Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include abuse which could be triggering to the reader. If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7. Please also see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. Even though the signs can sometimes be subtle, gaslighting can be damaging and even dangerous to those who experience it—especially over the long term. That’s why it may be helpful to be familiar with common gaslighting tactics to take action if you feel that you or a loved one is experiencing them. Let’s look at how to recognize these forms of psychological abuse and how you can respond to them.
What is gaslighting and what are the different forms of gaslighting?
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines the verb gaslight in the following way: “to manipulate another person into doubting his or her perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.” It can be a severe form of emotional abuse* that can result in survivors losing their sense of self-worth or identity.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, when gaslighting causes an individual to feel that they can’t trust themselves, they’re less likely to leave a relationship. While it’s often referred to in intimate or romantic partnerships, gaslighting can also occur in platonic, familial, or work relationships. There are common gaslighting techniques used by abusive partners, people with narcissism, and those who try to control groups of people, such as cult leaders, to gain power. It can even take place in professional settings, as one can see with examples like workplace gaslighting and medical gaslighting.
Examples of gaslighting
Gaslighting may take different forms and often happens in stages. Remaining cognizant of the signs of gaslighting can help you identify it and limit its effects. Some of the most common signs of psychological manipulation and gaslighting include:
Countering: Telling you that you misremember something to exert control and increase self doubt
Trivializing: Making you feel like your thoughts and feelings don't matter or that you’re just being overly sensitive
Withholding: Keeping money or affection from you
Stonewalling: Refusing to listen or engage with you in conversation
Blocking: Changing the subject when you try to clarify a situation or express your own feelings
Diverting: Questioning the validity of your thoughts and your own judgment
Forgetting: Pretending to forget things that happened causing the other person to feel confused or question your own reality
Denying: Telling you that your own perception of something is wrong or that an event you remember never actually happened
Faking compassion: Telling you that the harmful thing they’re doing is for your own good
Racial gaslighting: Trying to undermine or minimize someone’s experiences of racism
Where this behavior comes from
Abusers often use gaslighting to manipulate and exert control over the person they’re abusing by questioning the victim's memory and making them doubt their reality. Employing this tactic can sometimes be a sign that they have a mental illness or mental health challenges. Certain personality disorders, including narcissistic, antisocial, and borderline personality disorders, may make a person prone to using gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of abuse, and it’s never the survivor’s responsibility to try to help an abuser see the error of their ways and get help. That said, the abuser may be unlikely to change their hurtful behavior unless they seek help from a mental health professional.
Why is it called “gaslighting”?
The term gaslighting comes from a play that was eventually turned into a film. The 1944 movie Gaslight tells the story of how a husband manipulates his wife’s environment in ways that make her question her judgment and sanity. For instance, this abusive partner questions whether the gas lights in their home aren’t flickering, even though he was intentionally making them do so by turning each gas light down. The wife experiences severe emotional distress, but by the end of the film, she starts to question her partner’s abusive behavior. Eventually, she finds someone who helps her prove that her experiences are real, and she then leaves her marriage.
Getty/Vadym Pastukh
The negative effects of gas lighting
Over time, gaslighting can cause serious harm to a person who experiences it. They may come to doubt their own memory, judgment, opinions, or emotions, which can isolate them socially and from loved ones. They may experience a significant drop in self-esteem or even begin to lose their sense of identity.
In the long term, consistent gaslighting can cause a person to experience mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
How to handle gaslighting or domestic violence from an abusive partner or family member
If you’ve noticed signs and symptoms of being gaslighted by a romantic partner, boss, colleague, friend, or family member, know that you are not alone. One of the first steps to recovering may be to understand that this is abuse, even if the person gaslighting you does not realize it. It can damage your mental and even physical health, particularly if you spend a lot of time with the person who is doing it. Here are some steps you might take to defend yourself.
Keep track of evidence
Saving voicemails, texts, emails, and notes can help you remind yourself later of what the person really said or what really happened. This strategy can assist you in standing up to gaslighting tactics used by your abusive partner that make you doubt your memory or interpretation of events. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, documenting the abuse can also help you prove you were experiencing manipulative behavior, if necessary.
Lean on loved ones
One common tactic of abusers is isolating you from friends and family because they don’t want anyone to point out their hurtful behaviors to you. Although it may be difficult in the face of direct manipulation, maintaining strong ties with people outside of the gaslighting relationship may help keep you in touch with reality and provide you with the support you may need along the way.
End or adjust the relationship, especially if domestic violence or emotional abuse is involved
Leaving abusive unhealthy relationships with emotionally unstable people can be difficult, but it’s sometimes the only way to end the abuse. When it comes to romantic or platonic relationships involving gaslighting, ending it may be necessary to keep yourself safe. If it’s a familial relationship that you are not willing to fully step away from, setting firm boundaries may be helpful. If it’s a working relationship, speaking with a supervisor or someone in human resources can be a helpful next step. If you’re making a plan to leave a relationship in which emotional abuse or other forms of domestic violence are present, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has tips and resources that can help you do so safely.
Seek the help of a therapist to answer "What is gaslighting?"
At first, it may be difficult to see how gaslighting can affect you emotionally or impact your relationships. You may even have trouble recognizing that someone is gaslighting you since it can be subtle—especially early on. Also, you may be in a difficult situation with your abuser, which may make it even harder for you to leave or take other steps to defend yourself.
Connecting with a therapist may help you get a more balanced perspective on your situation and gain the confidence to make the best decisions for you. A therapist can also help you understand the sources of a loved one’s gaslighting behavior, such as narcissistic personality disorder.
Meeting with a therapist may be helpful even if you’re no longer in a relationship in which you experienced gaslighting to help you gain perspective on your experience. Gaslighting can affect a victim's thoughts, and blame shifting can make you feel responsible. Working with a mental health professional may be able to help you work through complicated emotions related to the situation, rebuild self-confidence, and manage any symptoms you may be experiencing. You can do this type of therapy either in person or online.
Online therapy for emotional abuse and mental health
Online therapy tends to be a convenient option that allows you to talk to a therapist from the comfort of home. You don’t have to worry about commuting to an office or being on a waiting list for the next available appointment. When you sign up with BetterHelp, you can be matched with a therapist who has experience helping people recover from gaslighting. If you live with the person who is gaslighting you, communicating with your therapist via online chat or text may be a good option, but you can also talk to your therapist via telephone or video chat.
Peer-reviewed studies demonstrate that online therapy can be as effective as other forms of therapy in treating a variety of conditions, including post-traumatic stress disorder.
"Marilyn is extremely knowledgeable on trauma and its effects on the brain and behaviors. Because of her knowledge, she has been able to help me acknowledge what my responses are to my triggers and offered ways to calm myself so that I do not stay trapped in my trauma responses. I really enjoy having her as a therapist and am very optimistic on the future that we will work through."
Gaslighting is a type of abuse that consists of making another person doubt their own perceptions. It can be a painful and deeply harmful behavior. Getting familiar with the signs—even when they’re subtle—may help you recognize gaslighting behaviors and take action if you notice that you or a loved one may be experiencing this type of abuse.
If you’ve experienced gaslighting or some other form of abuse, you don’t have to face every bad memory alone. Take the first step toward healing from gaslighting and seek support from a BetterHelp therapist.
Frequently asked questions
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.
Is gaslighting always on purpose?
No, it is not always on purpose. It can be something that people do unintentionally to give them a sense of control, or it may be something that they learn from others in their lives. People who do this may not understand the impact of their words and actions on other people. That said, just because this behavior is unintentional doesn’t mean it's not real. If you need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE.
How do you explain what gaslighting is?
Victims may question what they know to be true. These tactics can take many forms, including the person doing the gaslighting pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to what the other person says, questioning the other person’s memories, changing the subject, trivializing the other person’s needs or feelings, or forgetting or denying things they said to the other person.
Why should we stop gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and control that can significantly affect the self-esteem and mental health of the person experiencing it. Long-term effects can include depression, anxiety, and even PTSD.
Can people gaslight without meaning to?
Yes, people may do it unintentionally because they may not understand precisely why they are doing what they are doing. Some people may have learned it from their parents or someone with another mental health issue during their childhood, and they may not completely understand its consequences. Other people do it because it helps them feel like they are in control. Whatever the reason, some people may not realize they are doing it. But just because this behavior may be unintentional doesn’t mean the consequences aren't real.
Is gaslighting always manipulative?
Yes, gaslighting is a form of manipulation, so the people doing it are likely trying to manipulate a situation or person. Many techniques can be used for manipulation: countering, trivializing, diverting, blocking, stonewalling, and forgetting, just to name a few.
How do you stop this behavior?
If you are experiencing this behavior in your relationship, you should understand that it's a form of abuse, whether the other person is doing it intentionally or not. You may not be able to stop or change the other person’s behavior, but there are some things you can do to take care of yourself.
Keep track of evidence. Save any emails, texts, or voicemails to help you remember the things that the other person said. Doing so can help you stand up for yourself later because you won’t have to doubt your memories.
Maintain contact with friends and family. Abusers may try to isolate you from your friends and family, but maintaining ties with people outside of the relationship can help you keep in touch with reality.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be difficult, but it may also be the only way to end the abuse. Whether dealing with someone in a romantic or platonic relationship, a family member, or a colleague, ending the relationship may be the only way to stay safe. Connecting with a therapist can help you maintain perspective on your situation and get the confidence to take the necessary steps to defend yourself.
Why is gaslighting or being gaslighted called that?
The term comes from a 1938 play called “Gas Light.” It was adapted into a film in 1944. The play and the movie tell the tale of an upper-middle-class couple, Jack and Bella. Jack tries to make his wife think that she's going insane by doing things like flirting with servants in front of her, disappearing, and convincing her that she's imagining seeing the gas lights dim in the home.
What is gaslighting and what does being gaslighted look like?
The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.
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