How To Know If You're In An Abusive Relationship

Wondering if you are facing abuse may bring up a mixture of emotions, such as fear, confusion, or nervousness. Abuse is a serious and potentially dangerous occurrence, so it can be beneficial to recognize the signs to look for in an abusive partner to defend yourself as soon as possible if your relationship is abusive.

Prevalence of abuse

In the US, nearly 20 individuals experience abuse per minute. Anyone of any gender, race, sexuality, background, class, or ability can experience abuse. Although unhealthy partnerships can be prevalent in many societies, support is available. Many hotlines, non-profits, and therapeutic alliances have come together to create resources if or when we are hoping to escape an abusive situation. Creating a safety plan can be the first step.

How to know if you're in an abusive relationship

Not all abusive relationships are the same. Whether you’re experiencing signs of abuse in a romantic, familial, or platonic relationship, there are often initial “red flags” that may help illuminate a potentially unhealthy or abusive dynamic.

Signs of an abusive relationship

• Love Bombing: Love bombing is when an individual may shower you with gifts, love, compliments, and intense commitment either at the beginning of a relationship or after acting in an unhealthy way. 
• Jealousy and possessiveness: A partner might start to tell you where to go, ask you to stop talking to people of a specific gender, tell you to change your outfit, or accuse you of cheating with a co worker. 
• Isolation: Someone may isolate you from others in your life, trying to get you to spend most of your time with them. They might also talk poorly about others in your life or hide your car keys so you can’t get away. 
• Breaking/hitting objects: Those who may later act physically abusive may show signs of aggression against physical objects before they turn hostility on you. 
• Fast displays of love: In a romantic relationship, an individual might commit to you quickly, want to move in after a few months, or suggest marriage before you’ve had time to get to know each other. 
• Disregarding boundaries: An unhealthy individual might disregard your rules for yourself, your space, and your items.
• Frequent contact: The person may contact you often, sending multiple messages, or emails or making frequent phone calls. 
• Stalking: The person may follow you or try to find out where you’re going at all times.
• Inconsistency: They might act unkind, hostile, or in scary ways around you but act kind, charming, and funny while spending time with your family members and friends. 

Who can be affected by abuse?

Psychological or emotional abuse can happen to anyone, including children, adults, and elderly individuals. It may happen in a romantic, familial, platonic, or professional relationship. Although emotional trauma may not include physical harm to someone, it can be considered controlling behavior and may be a sign that physical abuse could follow. It can also be as harmful to an individual’s health and wellness as physical abuse. 

If you’re experiencing emotional abuse, reach out for help. Just because you have not been physically harmed does not mean that you are necessarily safe. 

What types of abuse can occur in a relationship? 

There are several types of abuse, and each can be as harmful as the others. All abuse is a form of trauma and may have physical and mental health consequences, including low self-esteem or self-worth. Multiple types of abuse may occur in the same relationship. It can also be possible for only one form to occur. 

Emotional abuse

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, it may involve intimidating, threatening, scary, or unhealthy behaviors or words. Typical forms of emotional abuse include: 

• Gaslighting
• Yelling 
• Isolation 
• Reflection
• Triangulation 
• Love bombing 
• Name-calling 
• Guilt-tripping
• Withholding affection
• Coercion 
• Pressuring 
• Humiliation
• Infantilization
• Silent treatment
• Control
• Ridicule
• Intimidation 
• Threats
• Harassment
• Denial 

Emotional abuse may not seem obvious at first. The abusive individual might deny their actions or turn the responsibility on to you, stating that they wouldn’t act that way if you acted “different” or “healthier.” They might also accuse you of acting abusive toward them, which could be.

Physical violence

Physical abuse physically harms you or someone near you, causes fear or harm, or threatens your physical well-being. The United Nations states that physical abuse can also involve denying medical care or support. 

Examples of physically abusive behavior include: 

• Hitting 
• Kicking
• Slapping 
• Punching
• Throwing
• Scratching
• Blocking
• Damaging property (kicking doors, punching walls, etc.) 
• Throwing items
• Driving dangerously
• Denying medical care 
• Trapping someone in a room, house, or area
• Using a weapon to threaten 
• Cutting 
• Choking
• Sexual assault
• Abandoning you in an unsafe situation 
• Other physically aggressive, unsafe, or threatening actions 

Physical abuse can be extremely dangerous. It may escalate over time, and there is a risk of injury, disability, or death. If you are unable to leave, or are afraid to attempt leaving on your own, an abusive situation, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788. You are not alone, and you are not the only person experiencing this. 

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse involves behaviors or words that cause one partner to feel forced, coerced, or controlled in a sexual context against their will. Sexual abuse is a non-consensual form of sexual activity or behavior, such as the following: 

• Coercion to perform a sexual act you don’t want to perform 
• Forced sexual activity 
• Incest
• Attempted sexual assault 
• Restricting the supply of birth control 
• Refusing to use a condom or other contraceptive
• Unwanted kissing or touching
• Unwanted violent sexual activity or fetishes without consent
• Sexual assault while drunk or incapacitated by substances or while sleeping 
• Manipulation regarding sex or sexual behaviors 

Financial abuse

Financial abuse may cause an individual to be financially controlled or out of options. It can include: 

• Taking all of an individual’s money
• Maintaining control over all bank accounts in the relationship
• Refusing to purchase necessary products like menstrual products, food, water, or sexual contraceptives
• Threatening financial loss if one reports the abuse or leaves the relationship 
• Stating an individual is unable to live financially independently 
• Complete financial control 
• Using money to threaten 
• Forbidding someone to work 
• Withholding money or giving an “allowance” to an adult 
• Stealing someone’s identity
• Causing someone to go into debt 
• Refusing to pay bills 
• Ruining someone’s credit 

Financial abuse may seem out of your control. However, support is available. Talking to a therapist, financial advisor, or crisis hotline can help you find ways to move forward and take control of your finances once more. 

Religious/spiritual abuse

In some cases, an individual might use spirituality, or beliefs as an excuse for controlling behaviors. Examples of this include: 

• Not allowing you to practice your religion or beliefs
• Forcing you to conform to a religion or belief system
• Using religious or spiritual teachings to manipulate, threaten, scare, or harm you in any way
• Shaming your beliefs
• Physically harming you in the name of religion or spirituality
• Claiming to be or speak on behalf of a religious deity or God
• Involving you in ritualistic behaviors that are scary, manipulative, or life-threatening
• Forcing you to attend spiritual or religious conversion therapy for your sexuality or gender identity 
• Forcing you to join a religious group, cult, or organization that you don’t want to join 
• Telling you that you will “go to Hell” or that you are a “sinner” when you do not believe in those ideas  

These types of abuse can be psychologically abusive as well as spiritually abusive. If you are experiencing spiritual or financial trauma, reach out for support from a helpline. 

Identity/cultural abuse 

Identity and cultural abuse may be focused on your identity or culture. For example, those part of a marginalized race, sexuality, gender, culture, class, sex, ethnicity, nationality, age, disability, spirituality, or social group may experience cultural or identity-based abuse.

Types of abuse that fall under this category can include: 

• Motivated hate crimes 
• Xenophobia
• Homophobia
• Transphobia
• Racism 
• Ageism
• Ableism 
• Forced conversion therapy 
• Other forms of hate based on identity or culture

Addressing abuse in a relationship

The National Network to End Domestic Violence states that it can be essential to reach out for support when you first notice red flags in a relationship. If you are experiencing any of the above signs of an abusive relationship, you may be experiencing abuse. Many sources show that leaving abusive relationships can be difficult, and those in the midst of them may find themselves wanting to forgive their abuser or internalizing the trauma and believing it’s their fault. Additionally, individuals may fear what could happen if they choose to leave due to the threats or actions of the individual hurting them or themselves. 

Connecting with others who have experienced abusive relationships

However, abuse is not your fault. Knowing you are being abused can be the first step to getting support. Many individuals leave abusive relationships and can go on to live healthy and positive lives with safe healthy relationships. RAINN outlines survivor stories by hundreds of others who have left abusive relationships if you want to read hopeful recounts of how others chose to leave.   

Finding support from a professional

If you are actively experiencing intimate partner abuse or are in a crisis, reach out to a hotline or resource as listed above. While having a support network of trusted friends and family can be helpful, if you are in an unhealthy relationship or want further support for your experiences, you may benefit from talking to a counselor. Many individuals experiencing trauma, poor behavior, or control in their relationships may struggle to find a safe time to leave home for therapy in an in-person office. In these cases, online counseling might benefit you. 

Processing trauma from domestic violence in online therapy

Online counseling can be done from anywhere with an internet connection. If there’s a location where you feel safe and can attend therapy alone, online therapy may be possible. Additionally, it is often more affordable than traditional therapy for those who struggle with the financial burden of counseling. Studies also show that internet-based therapy is highly effective for those who have experienced trauma or have been diagnosed with PTSD due to domestic violence.  

If you can get started, online platforms like BetterHelp for individuals and PrideCounseling for young adults in the LGBTQ+ community are available. Both platforms offer a growing database of licensed counselors specializing in various topics, including trauma, PTSD, and anxiety. Reach out to get started.