How Therapy Can Help After Abuse
- For those experiencing suicidal thoughts, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988
- For those experiencing abuse, please contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
- For those experiencing substance use, please contact SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357
Abuse in romantic relationships is more common than one might think – one study indicated that various forms of emotional abuse take place in nearly 80% of intimate relationships, with overt aggressive behavior and subtle coercion as the most frequent forms.
When someone abuses you, you might feel alone or stuck, and the situation may be worse if you have met an abusive counselor, making it difficult to seek assistance and support. It’s tough to manage your life and your emotions when you’re living with someone who shows such little regard for your mental and physical well-being.
No matter your age, gender, socioeconomic status, sexuality, or education level, all people can experience abuse or domestic violence. It may be a relief to find that there is someone available who can help you explore these issues and make decisions that will benefit you now and in the future. Therapy can help people who face many different types of abuse.
Therapy can offer compassion and emotional support
One of the first things you might notice in therapy is your counselor’s support and compassion. Their emotional support may be something you’ve lacked for a long time. They can listen non-judgmentally while you talk about problems like emotional and physical abuse. As you discuss what’s happening or has happened in your life and how you feel about it, you might feel a sense of relief or hopefulness that you perhaps haven’t felt since the abuse started.
Therapy can teach you about the types of abuse you’re experiencing
Sometimes, it helps to know more about the different types of abuse, why they might happen, and what can occur as a result. Here are several types of abuse your counselor might tell you about:
Emotional abuse – When someone abuses you emotionally, they engage in behaviors that cause you psychological harm. Also called psychological abuse, this type of abuse may include criticizing you, humiliating, threatening, or blaming you for things that are not your fault. Abusers ultimately seek power over you and achieve it through intimidation, fear, and other tactics. Figuring out how to deal with controlling partners of this type is exhausting and can cause mental, emotional, and psychological stress.
Sexual abuse – According to the American Psychological Association, sexual abuse includes any unwanted sexual activity that someone forces on you physically, by threatening you, or by taking advantage of you at a time when you’re unable to give consent.
Physical abuse – Being abused physically means that an abuser is intentionally hurting you through bodily contact. It may include slapping, punching, kicking, biting, burning, or other forms of painful contact. If you’re experiencing physical abuse, it’s critical to get help right away and remove yourself from danger.
Verbal abuse – Most people have arguments from time to time. In emotionally abusive relationships, arguments can escalate into abusive behavior. When someone is calling you names, verbally attacking you, constantly disregarding your voice, or insisting that their perspective is the only one that matters, they’re verbally abusing you.
Therapy can help you recognize the signs of abuse
It may feel hard to sort out what is abusive behavior and what is normal behavior. It is normal for, and makes sense that, you would be confused. You may have a deep attachment to the person abusing you, and it can be hard to think that someone you care about might be doing things to hurt or control you. Your therapist can teach you how to recognize a wide range of abuses that might be occurring. For example, you might be able to identify emotional abuse from any of the following categories:
- Bullying
- Threatening
- Name-calling
- Controlling what you wear or where you go
- Controlling your money
- Isolating you from friends and family
Therapy can help you identify and cope with your emotions about the abuse
One thing that is common to many people who experience emotional abuse is that they don’t recognize what happened to them as abuse. Research on the effects of abuse has found there to be a connection between being emotionally abused or neglected and having difficulties identifying and describing emotions.
Your counselor can help you with this by providing you with a safe environment and encouraging you to think about and express your feelings. They also can help you sort through the facts of your situation in a supportive environment so that you can understand your feelings more effectively.
Therapy can help you build tools to manage emotions and stress
Emotional abuse can leave you feeling many different distressing emotions. Therapists can teach you stress management techniques to use, whether you choose to stay in the relationship or leave it. As you learn to manage your emotions and your stress more effectively, you may become emotionally healthier and less likely to accept the abuse any longer.
Therapy can help you choose helpful thoughts
The problem with emotional abuse is not just what happens to you. It’s also what you think about what happens, about yourself, and about the person who abuses/abused you. Sometimes, negative thought patterns can keep you stuck in a cycle of ongoing emotional abuse. But through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and other psychological techniques, your therapist can help you learn how to identify negative thoughts, evaluate them, decide whether it’s time to change them, and, if so, adopt more empowering thoughts.
Therapy can teach you assertiveness
People who abuse others often use emotional abuse to take control of a person. After a while, you might find yourself letting them have their way without questioning it. You might even accept their hurtful words and behaviors, especially if you feel you deserve the abuse in some way or don’t recognize the abuse as such. By learning how to stand up for yourself in an assertive way, you can improve your mental health and be better equipped to make any changes you decide to make.
Therapy can improve your self-esteem
Being subjected to emotional abuse for any length of time can wear down your self-esteem. You could end up blaming yourself for the person’s abusive behaviors and feeling like they wouldn’t hurt you if you didn’t deserve it. You might start thinking that all the criticism and anger they throw at you is justified. Through therapy, though, you can rediscover your strengths and positive attributes. You can begin to see yourself as a worthwhile person again until you realize that you don’t deserve to be treated that way at all.
Therapy can help you overcome past traumas
Sometimes, the abuse you’re trying to overcome happened in the past, maybe even when you were a child. Whether the abuse is still going on or not, past traumas can have a profound negative impact on your life. Your psychologist or counselor can help you uncover old memories, recognize and express your emotions about them, and assist you in the healing process.
Therapy can guide you in creating a safety plan
If you’re experiencing abuse of any kind, it is important to know what to do in case it escalates to an emergency. Your therapist can help you make a safety plan with practical steps to take if you need to leave immediately. They can point you toward community resources for people who are being abused, as well.
Therapy can offer treatment for related mental health issues
Living with emotional abuse can lead to or exacerbate many mental health conditions including anxiety and substance abuse. So, if you’re in therapy for help with an abusive relationship, it might be useful to know that your counselor can also help you with the mental health concerns that might come up. Some of these conditions might include:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Obsessive-compulsive behaviors
- Insomnia or other sleeping problems
- Eating disorders
- Substance use disorders
Therapy can empower you to make decisions about what to do next
Once you recognize how you’re being abused and the negative impact it’s having on your life, you will probably want to make some changes. If the person abusing you has been trying to control you for some time, it might be hard to decide what to do next. Or, if you’re financially or otherwise dependent on the person perpetrating the abuse, it might be frightening to think of making changes.
In many cases, the only way to improve your situation may be to do something different, whether that’s leaving the relationship, getting more support, or finding some other type of solution. Your counselor won’t make the decisions for you, but they can help you determine what your options are and weigh each one carefully for yourself. Then, they can encourage you to do what you think is best for you and support you in whatever decisions you make.
Therapy can prepare you for healthier relationships in the future
After you’ve experienced any kind of abuse, there’s one more thing you might need to address in therapy. You may not know, or you may have forgotten, what a healthy relationship is and looks like. Your therapist can give insight into healthy relationships. They can guide you as you think about what you want in a new relationship. Additionally, they can help you develop a healthier communication style. Then, when you’re ready to move on, you can have the skills to cultivate healthier relationships in the future.
How to start therapy after experiencing abuse
Starting therapy during or after abuse can feel like an overwhelming task. It’s natural to be a little hesitant when your world is in such turmoil. Many people who felt the same way have found therapy to be an important part of transforming their life and their self-worth.
If you’re experiencing physical abuse or worry that your partner might start physically abusing you, it is important not to wait and to get help right away. That might mean seeking help at a domestic violence shelter or talking to a counselor in your community.
If you would like to connect with a therapist online, you can get therapy online at BetterHelp from licensed counselors who are experienced in helping people who have been abused. You can search for a therapist that fits your needs and have therapy from home or wherever you are and at a time that is right for you. Therapy sessions generally last between 45 and 60 minutes depending on the therapist and sessions may be ongoing until you feel like you are ready to move on without therapy.
There is substantial evidence affirming virtual trauma-focused treatments like CBT and other forms of psychotherapy as effective treatment methods for survivors of emotional, sexual, and domestic violence (including children and teenagers).
Takeaway
What should you do when someone abuses you?
If you’ve been abused, consider calling the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, or texting BEGIN to 88788. This domestic violence hotline is available in English, Spanish, and 200+ other languages. If you can, make a safety plan and get away from the abusive partner before calling. If you’re in immediate danger, call the police.
Talking with someone—such as a trusted friend, trained domestic violence hotline volunteer, victim support advocate, clergy member, doctor, or therapist—can help you decide on your next steps. For example, you might plan on leaving the partner, pursuing legal action, or trying to improve communication and boundaries.
What are some sources of help for people who have been abused?
Here are some resources for survivors of domestic violence and other types of abuse:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline: This safe hotline provides 24/7 support for people in abusive situations.
- The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: This safe hotline provides support for survivors of sexual assault.
- Love Is Respect: Love Is Respect focuses on providing educational materials and helps people learn the warning signs of abuse.
The Office of Family Violence Prevention and Services established Sexual Assault Awareness Month for advocacy, survivors and their loved ones, and community education. They provide a range of tools for awareness training, prevention, and more.
How do you deal with someone who emotionally abuses you?
If someone emotionally abuses you, consider the following:
- Calling the police if you may be in immediate danger
- Calling a hotline, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Seeking emotional support from trusted friends, family, and/or a therapist
- Spending time with people who lift you up rather than knock you down
- Establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries
- Prioritizing your own wellbeing
- Taking steps to safeguard your self-esteem
- Reminding yourself that you cannot “fix” them
- Making a safety plan
- Leaving the relationship
If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, the abusive partner may try to minimize or invalidate your feelings. Remind yourself that every person is worthy of respect and kindness and talk to yourself the way you would talk to a close friend in your situation.
Do abusers know they are abusive?
There are many different types of abusive partners. For example:
- Some abusive partners may justify their behavior or feel entitled to act the way they do, and therefore do not consciously believe that their actions qualify as abuse.
- Others may be aware of the abuse but be unconcerned with how their behavior impacts their partner.
- Some abusive partners may not have healthy coping skills or know how to express negative emotions, leading to outbursts of abusive behavior that they may later regret and recognize as abuse.
In some circumstances, abuse may be a conscious choice, whereas others may model behavior that was normalized in their childhood or be unaware that their actions are abusive. Regardless of whether the abusive partner recognizes the harm of their behavior, abuse is never justifiable.
Can therapy help you heal from emotional abuse?
Yes, therapy can help you process the trauma, practice positive self-talk, rebuild self-esteem, and learn healthy coping skills. The most common type of therapy for survivors of emotional abuse is cognitive behavioral therapy, which focuses on reframing unhelpful thought patterns, managing overwhelming feelings, and addressing maladaptive coping skills.
How can you keep someone from abusing you?
You cannot control others, and changing your behavior is unlikely to stop an abusive partner from bad behavior. They are at fault for their abusive behavior, not you.
Instead, strategies to manage abuse include developing and enforcing clear boundaries, spending more time with other people you care about, reaching out to a professional for support, creating a safety plan, and considering leaving the relationship.
What are some warning signs that someone may be an abuser?
Warning signs of abuse include:
- Love bombing
- Rapid progression of the relationship
- Excessive jealousy
- Controlling behavior
- Limiting access to friends or loved ones
- Gaslighting, leading you to question your version of reality or whether you’re “making things up” or “being dramatic”
- Blaming others for their problems
- Making excuses and justifying their bad behavior
- Feeling like you must walk on eggshells around them
- Threats of violence to you or others you care about
- Name-calling, criticizing, humiliation, or other forms of verbal abuse
- Withholding money
If your partner is exhibiting abusive behavior, it’s not your fault. Consider seeking support from a trusted friend or family member, talking to a therapist, or utilizing other resources for support.
Can the effects of abuse be reversed?
The effects of abuse can be serious and long-lasting. Though you may not be able to undo the past, professional support and treatment can help you manage the lasting effects of abuse and heal your relationship with yourself.
How long does abuse recovery take?
There is no timeline for healing from abuse. Everyone is different and recovery will vary based on factors like:
- How robust their support system is
- The type(s) of abuse experienced
- Duration of abuse
- Whether the survivor has adequate access to mental health services
- Age at which abuse occurs
Some people may recover within months, whereas others may take years or decades to heal.
How do abusive relationships begin?
Abusive relationships may seem normal, or even exceptional, at first. The abusive partner may engage in love bombing or make declarations about how special the relationship is during the honeymoon phase. These types of relationships tend to progress quickly, with the abusive partner slowly isolating the victim and becoming more controlling over time.
While these characteristics are common in abusive relationships, they’re not universal. If you’re concerned that your relationship doesn’t feel right, consider discussing it with someone you trust.
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