Dating With ADHD Tips: How To Navigate Love With A Neurodivergent Mind

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is usually defined as a neurodevelopmental condition and form of neurodiversity that can involve challenging symptoms in daily life. One area of life ADHD tends to impact is personal relationships, including dating. When dating with ADHD, it can be difficult to set healthy boundaries, slow down, and consider your needs. You may find it helpful to practice assertive communication, choose fun and interesting dates, and learn healthy ways to cope with rejection sensitivity. For more personalized insight and guidance, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist.

Understanding attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) as a neurodevelopmental condition. Three subtypes of ADHD can be diagnosed, including primarily inattentive type (ADHD-PI), hyperactive-impulsive type (ADHD-HI), and combined type. Attention deficit disorder (ADD) is no longer used as a clinical term in the DSM-5. 

In general, symptoms of ADHD must be significant from childhood into adulthood, last at least six months, and may not be explained by a substance use disorder or another medical or mental health condition.

ADHD symptoms

Inattentive symptoms of ADHD might include the following: 

• Forgetfulness 
• Difficulty focusing on tasks 
• Hyperfocus only on tasks one is passionate about (sometimes called a “special interest”) 
• Forgetting items at home, such as a phone charger, wallet, or keys 
• Difficulty paying attention to surroundings, potentially running into objects or knocking over dishes 
• Difficulty listening when spoken to directly
• Difficulty following through on instructions and finishing tasks due to loss of focus or getting sidetracked
• Challenges with organization
• Being easily distracted 
• Emotional reactivity and dysregulation 

Hyperactive and impulsive symptoms can include, but are not limited to, the following: 

• Difficulty sitting still or remaining in one position
• Difficulty waiting your turn, waiting in a line, or waiting to speak 
• Restlessness
• Difficulty taking part in leisure activities quietly
• Seemingly being “driven by a motor” or always “on the go” 
• Talking excessively or loudly
• Interrupting others 
• Partaking in risky behaviors

What is neurodivergence?

ADHD can be considered a form of neurodivergence. Some people with ADHD may identify as neurodivergent, which generally means having differences in cognition, sensory experiences, emotions, and social behavior that vary from “typical” behavior usually seen in neurotypical individuals. 

The theory of neurodiversity posits that ADHD and conditions like autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and dyslexia may not be curable diseases but unique brain differences. These brain differences may have positive impacts but could also cause functional challenges due to the world not necessarily being set up to support people who require accommodations. 

Potential challenges of dating with ADHD

Dating and forming romantic relationships with adult ADHD may be difficult and overwhelming. According to ADDitude Magazine, people with ADHD tend to experience obsession, limerence, and hyperfixation toward their crushes. Individuals with neurodivergent minds may fall in love quickly, experience intense emotions, and react intensely to rejection. These intense emotions can cause one to lose some self-awareness, although not everyone with ADHD has this experience. 

Falling in love and dating with ADHD symptoms

Falling in love quickly may subject these individuals to unhealthy relationships, as they may enter a relationship with the first person they date. Relationships may also progress quickly due to boredom, difficulty waiting, or the desire to learn as much as possible about a partner. 

It can be possible to have healthy relationships when living with ADHD symptoms, regardless of experiences in past relationships. With a few healthy tips based on evidence-based mental health resources, you may take control of your dating habits and show up more authentically in your relationships. 

Dating with ADHD: Navigating love with a neurodivergent mind 

Below are several tips for navigating dating as a neurodivergent individual or person living with an ADHD diagnosis. Those dating someone with ADHD may also benefit from these tips. 

Communicate your needs to your date

Communication can be beneficial for people with ADHD. Setting boundaries upfront may be helpful in reducing potential for conflict. Communicate with your dates about the type of relationship in which you’re interested, whether casual or long-term. In addition, communicate about the types of dates you prefer. You might also set boundaries regarding the times of day you’re available and how often you want to meet up.

Some people with ADHD may be more comfortable dating when there isn’t a strict schedule or pressure on dates. For example, you might prefer to go on dates on a spontaneous basis instead of planning them out weeks in advance. Others might prefer more structure. Look for a system that works for you, and be open with your dates about your preferences. 

Take it slow while keeping it interesting

Because people with ADHD can be at risk of limerence and hyperfocus on relationships in the beginning stages, taking it slow can be helpful. If you’re worried that taking a relationship slow will cause you to lose interest, consider the following ways to keep dating interesting:

• Date more than one person to figure out what you’re looking for in a partner.
• Go on unique dates, like trips to an aquarium or a dance class.
• Try board games, card games, and other interactive activities.
• Try a physical activity during a date, such as rock climbing or swimming.
• Meet with your date in a different setting or activity every time you meet.
• List the qualities you enjoy in your date after you see them, as well as any “red flags” you may have noticed, to remind yourself of the facts. 
• Find ways to stimulate your mind and enjoy your time alone when your date is not present. 

List the qualities you’re looking for in a partner

Some people with ADHD may go into dating unsure about what they’re looking for in a partner. In these cases, listing the qualities you want in a partner may be helpful. When you get to know potential dates, consider checking whether they fit the qualities you’re seeking. For inspiration, below are some traits people may value in a new relationship: 

• Kindness
• Honesty
• Trustworthiness 
• Emotional availability
• Humor
• Individualism 
• Assertive communication 
• Self-care habits 
• Respect
• Self-esteem
• Empathy 
• Calmness 
• Interest in your hobbies and passions 
• Time to prioritize your connection 

Come up with your own list, and know that you are worthy of finding someone who meets your standards. 

Find ways to cope with rejection sensitivity

For example, if someone’s date says they’re unavailable to go out for a week, the individual with ADHD may experience deep sadness and internalize the feelings negatively. Perceived rejection, even when it doesn’t occur in reality, can lead to reassurance-seeking behaviors, fear of vulnerability, and a heightened stress response. 

Signs of rejection sensitivity dysphoria may include the following: 

• Crying at any thought of being rejected
• A pang of sadness or pain in the heart after perceived rejection, such as a change in someone’s tone 
• The fight-flight-freeze response to perceived rejection
• Extreme emotional responses to real rejection 
• Anger or devaluation 

If you notice rejection sensitivity impacting your relationships, it may be helpful to try the exercise recommended by the ADDA, as follows.

Step 1: Check in with yourself 

Recognize your emotions and check in with your body. What are you physically feeling? Does it seem like you’re going to cry? Are you tensing your muscles? Label these sensations and emotions to yourself. 

Step 2: Find your functioning level 

ADDA generally defines levels of rejection sensitivity using a green, yellow, or red intensity model. Green typically means you can easily use coping mechanisms like walking, creating art, or listening to music. Yellow can be seen as an emotionally heightened state in which it may be helpful to avoid conversation. In the red state, your nervous system may be in fight-flight-freeze mode. In this case, you might try activities like bathing, using a weighted blanket, and avoiding communication until your emotions stabilize. 

Step 3: Reflect

Consider the factual accuracy of your conclusions about the situation in the reflection stage. Is the rejection sensitivity dysphoria you’re experiencing a response to actual or perceived rejection? What did the other person say or do that caused you to have this reaction? If you were supporting a friend experiencing the same emotions in response to their partner, what would you advise them to do? 

Step 4: Reframe

Consider other possible causes of the response that caused you to perceive rejection. For example, if the individual did not text you affectionately, ask yourself why they may have been less enthusiastic. Is it possible they were busy, stressed about something unrelated to you, or did not think about their tone? In some cases, conflicting or incompatible needs may cause rejection sensitivity. Taking a proactive and problem-solving approach may help you cope with these situations. 

Find neurodiversity-informed professional care

Connect with a licensed therapist online

Relationship and mental health support for neurodivergent adults

Dating as a neurodivergent adult can be challenging due to inattentiveness, hyperactivity, impulsivity, and challenges like rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It may be helpful to have a professional on your side to talk about your experiences and receive evidence-based advice. 

The benefits of mental health treatment through online therapy

Some people with ADHD may have difficulty making appointments or reaching out for support in their area. In these cases, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp may be beneficial. Online therapy can offer phone, video, or live chat sessions and extra resources like worksheets and goal-tracking options. 

The efficacy of online therapy for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder

Peer-reviewed studies also tend to support the effectiveness of online therapy for individuals with ADHD. One study found that internet interventions were usually associated with improved social and cognitive functioning in clients with ADHD.