ADHD Spouse Burnout: Ways To Address It
People with ADHD might be described as exceptionally creative, spontaneous, loving, and generous partners—qualities that likely attracted their non-ADHD spouse from the start. However, ADHD symptoms like forgetfulness, inattention, restlessness, and being easily distracted can be quite challenging (for both partners) when they repeatedly interfere with the relationship’s dynamic.
What is ADHD spouse burnout?
ADHD spouse burnout generally refers to a feeling of weariness and exhaustion from being in an ADHD-affected relationship in which one partner has ADHD and the other does not. Strategies like learning about ADHD, maintaining healthy boundaries, attending support groups, and engaging in regular self-care can be helpful. Attending individual or couples therapy can also be beneficial.
ADHD symptoms that can affect a partner
The ADHD spouse likely has both positive traits and common ADHD symptoms, such as forgetfulness, impulsivity, and time management challenges. Positive ADHD traits may include being spontaneous, present, and full of life.
However, spontaneity may also mean suddenly deciding to go on a trip with a friend right before an important family event. Distractibility can mean forgetting to do chores or pay bills on time, or it can manifest as being so wrapped up in an activity that they forget to show up to a dinner date.
ADHD symptoms and severity
Each person with ADHD may experience different symptoms and severity, so issues that apply to one relationship may not necessarily apply to another.
Symptoms of ADHD partner burnout
Partner burnout in relationships where one person has ADHD may be characterized by a pervasive sense of frustration, overwhelm, and exhaustion in relation to the relationship dynamics. This frustration can be psychological, but it may also manifest as physical symptoms stemming from ongoing stress.
Symptoms of ADHD spouse burnout
- Resentment toward one’s partner
- Decrease in empathy for one’s partner
- Reduced sense of connection and lack of intimacy
- Disappointment
- Anger
- Fatigue
- Isolation
- Irritability
- Impatience
- Less attention to self-care
- Emotional detachment from one’s partner
- A sense of being constantly overwhelmed
- Imagining what it would be like to end the relationship
Ways to rebuild your mental health, relationships and relieve burnout
Many partners of those with ADHD report taking on too much responsibility and becoming increasingly discouraged by their partner's behavior. When responsibilities and roles become unbalanced, relationships tend to be more likely to experience strain. While managing ADHD may be a lifelong challenge, there may be many helpful ways to address concerns, improve communication, and foster mutual understanding.
Addressing relationship challenges with an ADHD partner
Below are some helpful ways to address a relationship that has been affected by a partner's ADHD:
Learn about ADHD and establish healthy boundaries and responsibilities
- Learn more about ADHD and how your partner fits into the spectrum of symptoms and severity. This may also help you recognize that many of your partner's behaviors may be unintentional. Learning more about the condition may enable you and your partner to find strategies to manage their unique challenges.
- Establish healthy boundaries to reduce the sense of overwhelm and rebuild trust and mutual respect.
- Establish household responsibilities for each partner that consider each person's preferences and strengths. For example, if your partner likes being outdoors, they might be responsible for raking the yard. Responsibilities might have to be laid out on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis with a checklist of what has been completed.
Prioritize self-care and mental health
- Devote time to self-care to ensure that you tend to your own needs for space and attention. Self-care can involve going out with friends, taking a trip without your partner, going out for walks on your own, going to a spa, or engaging in any other activity that helps you recharge and reconnect with your own needs as an individual.
- Prioritize tasks to ensure that the most urgent or important ones are completed first.
- Set a regular routine with a list of tasks, schedules, and responsibilities for each partner.
- Accept that some days may be more challenging than others and that, despite your partner's efforts, they may not always be able to accomplish a task or activity.
- Seek out a mental health professional for support in navigating the challenges you are experiencing individually and as a couple. Therapy can provide a safe space in which you can both express feelings and frustrations, establish needs and boundaries, and work toward goals as a team.
Nurture positivity and teamwork
- Remember the positive side of the relationship and the traits and experiences that attracted you to your partner. Research indicates that people in less-than-happy marriages tend to underestimate the positive interactions they experience.
- Acknowledge your partner's efforts and show appreciation through words and actions.
- See yourself and your partner as being on the same team can help you recalibrate and connect your efforts to serve the relationship. Finding common ground and mutual goals can also serve to unite you.
- Aim to communicate clearly and calmly whenever possible and employ communication tools to de-escalate tension.
- Avoid excessive caretaking, which can lead to dependence and an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
Strengthen connection through quality time
- Set aside time for the relationship when you have a busy schedule so that you can reconnect with your partner romantically. This can involve a dinner date, going to a couples' spa, going for a walk together after work, or spending time together without phones or other electronic distractions.
- Consider your partner's point of view to understand their perspective, how they respond to criticism, and the unique challenges they may be facing.
- Join a support group to express your experience and learn from others in relationships with partners with ADHD. Members of the group may also suggest strategies that have worked for them and can serve as accountability partners in supporting your goals to shift the dynamics of the relationship.
Considering therapy
Many couples can benefit from seeing a therapist to help them navigate challenges and find ways to reconnect and improve communication. If you are looking for a therapist but have little time to attend in-person sessions, online therapy might be a good option.
Consider using BetterHelp
A platform like BetterHelp may enable you to attend sessions with a licensed therapist from the comfort of your own home. Sessions can be conducted by phone, video conference, or online chat. You can also exchange in-app messages with your therapist outside of sessions.
Consider online couples therapy
One study that looked at couples therapy conducted through videoconferencing suggested that the online format could be a viable alternative to in-person counseling. Researchers saw indicators of "improvements in relationship satisfaction, mental health, and all other outcome scores over time" in both in-person and online formats.
Takeaway
While managing ADHD may be a lifelong challenge for affected individuals, there may be many ways to improve the relationship dynamic. Establishing boundaries, learning more about ADHD, communicating clearly and calmly, joining a support group, and prioritizing self-care can be some of the ways to address challenges. Many couples may benefit from the support of a therapist when navigating such challenges. If you are looking for a therapist but have little time to attend in-person sessions, online therapy might be a viable option.
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