Navigating Neurodivergent Relationships: Arguing With Someone Who Has ADHD
Relationships are often a central aspect of life. However, every relationship tends to face challenges. For neurodivergent individuals, including people with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), relationship challenges can be especially difficult to navigate due to a variety of factors, such as impulsiveness and difficulty regulating emotions. Strategies like learning about each other’s values, establishing guidelines, and taking a step back when challenging emotions arise can be helpful. For more personalized guidance, consider scheduling an online or in-office session with a licensed therapist.
Examining ADHD symptoms
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can be defined as a neurological condition impacting the brain and nervous system. While it may be commonly discovered during childhood, ADHD symptoms usually persist into adulthood.
The challenges of neurodiversity: Common ADHD symptoms
While adult ADHD symptoms often vary, someone who has ADHD will likely experience the following:
- Impulsive behavior
- Lack of organization
- Difficulty with prioritization
- Challenges with time management
- Difficulty maintaining focus on tasks
- Excessive restlessness or activity
- Ineffective planning skills
- Limited tolerance for frustration
- Frequent fluctuations in mood
- Struggles with task completion and follow-through
- Tendency toward a quick temper
- Difficulty coping with stress
In relationships, the impact of ADHD symptoms often goes beyond challenges with attention and focus. Emotional dysregulation, one of the key symptoms of the disorder, can significantly influence personal interactions and lead to conflict.
Often, people with ADHD struggle with impulse control and emotion regulation, which can contribute to arguments. Individuals with ADHD may find it harder to manage their emotions and, as a result, may impulsively engage in potentially unnecessary conflicts.
Difficulty processing and regulating emotions can make it challenging for individuals with ADHD to express themselves calmly and effectively, sometimes leading to misunderstandings and strained relationships.
Additionally, ADHD can be associated with a phenomenon known as rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). RSD tends to amplify emotional responses to perceived criticism or rejection, often leading to intense emotional distress.
Arguing with someone who has ADHD
The impulsive nature of those with ADHD can lead to difficulties in navigating disagreements and resolving conflicts.
Renowned ADHD author and expert Gina Pera can shed light on the intricate dynamics of relationships involving individuals with ADHD. Pera describes the "ADHD roller coaster,” capturing the ups and downs neurodivergent individuals may experience in their interactions with others.
Gina Pera also highlights the tendency of those with ADHD to “self-medicate” through arguments. As explained by Pera, ADHD self-medication in this context generally refers to the stimulation that individuals with ADHD seek by provoking conflicts, whether consciously or not. This self-stimulating behavior can have detrimental effects on their lives and relationships.
ADHD communication strategies
To address the potential pitfalls of ADHD self-medication through arguments, exploring ADHD-specific communication strategies can help.
Explore each other’s values
Determine what matters most to you and your ADHD partner. It can be helpful to consider the unique perspective of an individual with ADHD. Identifying common ground and acknowledging differences in values can help you approach disagreements with understanding and respect for mental health.
Establish guidelines for your neurodivergent relationship
Implement guidelines for how, when, and where arguments can occur. This can be crucial for fighting fairly and maintaining mental health. For instance, you might limit intense conversations to times when ADHD symptoms are well-controlled. Consider alternative communication methods, like email, if face-to-face discussions pose challenges related to impulsivity.
Take a step back
A critical rule of arguing may be to halt discussions immediately if either you or your partner becomes angry. You might allow a 30-minute breather to let emotions settle before resuming the conversation. This grown-up time-out, possibly involving activities like going for a walk or spending time with a pet, can be helpful for preserving mental health and avoiding saying hurtful things to each other.
Use your own words
Look out for body language
Recognize signs of anger in your ADHD partner and pause the argument when they arise. It can be best to address the conflict later in a calm and collected manner. Prioritizing verbal resolution over escalating emotions often contributes to a healthier overall dynamic.
Consider the importance of the argument
Assess the significance of the argument and consider whether it's worth the potential toll on your and your partner’s physical and mental well-being. Maintaining perspective can be crucial for mental health, especially in relationships involving an ADHD partner.
Acknowledging and addressing the unique communication needs associated with ADHD can be vital for fostering understanding and creating a supportive environment for neurodivergent individuals in relationships.
How therapy can help a neurodivergent relationships
Using arguments to cope with the challenges of ADHD can inadvertently exacerbate conflicts and strain connections with loved ones. Therapy may serve as a transformative tool in addressing these tendencies. Through therapeutic interventions, individuals can gain insight into the root of their impulsive behavior and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Therapists specializing in ADHD can provide guidance in identifying symptoms and navigating them effectively.
However, it can be challenging to stick to the therapy process, particularly for individuals with ADHD. The demands of life and busy schedules can often pose obstacles to consistent attendance. This challenge may be amplified for couples seeking therapy, when synchronizing schedules can become an added complication.
Benefits of online therapy for people in neurodivergent relationships
Online therapy can offer a flexible and accessible alternative, potentially making it easier for individuals and couples to engage in therapeutic sessions from the comfort of their homes. This adaptability can align well with the often-unpredictable nature of ADHD and the challenges couples may face in maintaining consistent therapy attendance.
Research suggests that online therapy tends to be as effective as in-office therapy. A 2022 study on the efficacy of online therapy for adult ADHD found that most participants experienced improvements in attention deficit and social function.
Takeaway
Are ADHD and autism spectrum disorder part of neurodiversity?
Yes. Both attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and autism spectrum disorder (ASD) are considered neurodivergent conditions.
Is ADHD a form of neurodivergence?
Yes. ADHD is a form of neurodivergence. Due to the chemical makeup and structure of the human brain in people with ADHD, they may learn differently. These neurodiverse individuals may also face certain challenges such as forgetfulness and lack of focus, for instance.
What is neurodivergence?
Neurodivergence or neurodiversity refers to a condition (or conditions) that cause a person’s brain to function differently relative to the average person. Neurodivergence can affect how an individual thinks, learns, and behaves. Moreover, neurodiversity can come with challenges, and the person may need to use visual aids or create routines for the purpose of managing stress from day to day.
What is neurodiversity in relation to autism?
Neurodiversity in relation to autism simply means that autistic individuals have brains that are wired differently (not better or worse) than the typical person. As a result, neurodivergent people with ASD may experience the world differently and have difficulty in everyday life as they try to navigate a world designed for a neurotypical person.
Why do people struggle with neurodiverse relationships?
Communication is an important aspect of any healthy relationship, but neurodivergent people may communicate differently than their neurotypical partners. This can sometimes result in frequent misunderstandings, conflicts, or the inability to validate one another’s emotions. Some people who are neurodivergent may have trouble expressing emotions or reading nonverbal communication, which can negatively impact emotional intimacy in romantic relationships.
Can couples with neurodivergence stay together?
While neurodiverse couples may face unique challenges, they may still be able to stay together and enjoy a satisfying relationship. It may require effort on both the neurotypical partner and neurodivergent partner to make things work. These couples may also benefit from couples therapy to help them communicate openly, especially if they have difficulty understanding one another. A neurodivergent person may not recognize nonverbal cues, for instance, which could cause confusion. Professional guidance from a therapist can help them gain insight into one another’s communication styles and foster empathy as they navigate challenges together.
How does a neurodivergent partner show love?
Neurodivergent partners may show love and affection differently, but it could depend on the person. While one partner may desire sensory stimulation through physical touch, for instance, another partner may have sensory sensitivities (e.g., aversion to certain textures and sensations) and might need to set personal boundaries for some types of physical intimacy. Enhancing communication can help ensure each partner’s needs are met.
What is a neurodiverse relationship?
A neurodiverse relationship is one in which the individual partners have neurological differences that could affect how each partner processes information, communicates, or behaves in certain situations. Of course, no two relationships are alike and there will be natural variations for each couple, whether neurodiverse or neurotypical.
What is the divorce rate for neurodiverse couples?
Some studies indicate that up to 85% of neurodiverse relationships end in divorce. This may be because they experience challenges their neurotypical counterparts might not face. For example, they may feel misunderstood on a regular basis or avoid having difficult conversations.
What are neurodivergent intimacy issues?
Some neurodivergent couples struggle with intimacy. These challenges could be due to a number of different issues such as sensory overload, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, or the inability to communicate expectations. Couples can overcome these obstacles with mutual support, active listening, and acknowledging one another’s strengths. In terms of final thoughts, there are also plenty of benefits to being in a relationship with a neurodivergent individual, including unique perspectives on life and love.
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