You can survive your child’s adolescence: Ways to support yourself and your child

The teen years may bring difficulties for adolescents and their parents. Teenagers experience various hormone changes and may experience emotions in response. Parents may wonder why their child no longer respects their authority or whether the mood swings and attitude changes will last.

“Surviving” your child’s adolescence can be possible, even with challenges. You may take several potentially helpful steps to support your child in navigating adolescence while maintaining your well-being and engaging in effective communication.

The four adolescent stages

Not all adolescents undergo physical, mental, and emotional changes in unison. Different genetic and environmental factors can influence the various processes involved in puberty, such as changes in body shape, capacity for more abstract thinking, and reliance on peer versus parental support and engagement. Below are the four stages of adolescence and the milestones often associated with them. 

Early adolescence

Early adolescence occurs between ages nine and 13 when changes in attitude, criticisms, complaints, and familiar teen topics appear. These behaviors may advance to rebellion, resistance, and experimentation. At this stage, kids may be predisposed to rejecting people and ideas because they want to reject childhood ties.

In some cases, parents anticipate common developmental issues. It may be challenging not to take these changes personally. However, consider that adolescents may not be acting differently to upset you but to separate from childhood and gain more independence and freedom. Kids this age may know that their parents are still in charge but may desire more freedom and struggle to understand how to achieve it. 

If your child begins to rebel at this stage, note that they may not be rebelling against you but against being a child. Rebellion in early adolescence often takes the form of active or passive resistance. Active resistance can appear as disobedience and debate; passive resistance may appear as delay and procrastination. Both can help the child gain the power and confidence to change. 

Rebellion in early adolescence can lead to more risk-taking behavior and pushing limits to see what one can get away with. Children of this age might engage in shoplifting, pranking, and vandalizing. Some parents may shrug these behaviors off as harmless mischief, but talking to your child about their behavior may be healthier. When caught pranking or shoplifting, you might ask them to confess, see how their actions affect others, and apologize. Letting this behavior go unnoticed may cause teens to believe they can break the rules in the future. 

While the relationship between you and your child may have changed significantly, try to cultivate togetherness and set boundaries that support your teen’s success. Adolescence is often a time for experimentation and development, and your child may push back to learn more about themselves and achieve adolescent growth. Structure and routine may provide a safe context to grapple with boundaries.

Middle adolescence

According to prolific parenting author, psychologist, and parenting expert Carl Pickhardt, the next stage of adolescence, mid-adolescence, occurs from ages 13 to 15. Pickhardt walks parents through the steps to survive adolescence, regardless of the stage. 

Instead of rebelling to test the limits and leave childhood behind, teens push back in this stage because of a strong desire for independence. When parents have legitimate safety concerns, their teens might accuse them of being overprotective and insist they’re fine. Adolescent sons and daughters of this age range may be more likely to use manipulation, intimidation, and lying to gain more independence.

In this stage of adolescence, it may be beneficial for parents to avoid the urge to overreact, as an intense emotional reaction may instigate more rebellious behavior. Rather than threatening to ground your teen for months, stay calm and be firm and specific with practical consequences. It may also help to accept that your teen may not always feel positive emotions toward you. Try not to let trying to stay on their positive side stop you from making and enforcing rules to keep them safe. Lies and manipulation are serious, so it may help if parents stay steady in their conviction to best support their children by maintaining healthy boundaries and consequences for unacceptable behaviors. 

In this stage, kids negotiate using emotional distortion and other familiar teen topics. They might say, “If you don’t let me do this, I will hate you forever!” Parents can respond by telling the teen that they will discuss the situation when they are willing to talk appropriately and that their threats are hurtful. You may also have a serious conversation with your child to learn what may be prompting these thought patterns. 

Late adolescence

The third stage of adolescence after early and mid-adolescence is late adolescence, from ages 15 to 18, which often coincides with the high school years. Teenagers learn a lot in high school, not only academically but also from being in a more grown-up environment where they have more independence and learn how to play a more complex, mature role. During this time, teens may try to take on “adult” roles, which could cause challenges for parents. 

At this age, teens learn vicariously through others. The more high school first-year students look to juniors and seniors for what to expect and how to act, the more difficult this learning curve can become. As parents, encouraging your child to hang out with kids their age can help, as can encouraging extracurricular activities. Being on a sports team or a member of the school band can help teens find a healthy source of connection and camaraderie. 

This age also offers opportunities for independence, including being able to drive, getting a part-time job, and dating and socializing independently. Parents can let their teens know not to make serious decisions without permission. You might also set rules on the conditions that must be met to give permission for privileges, such as spending the weekend with friends. However, note that social interaction is crucial for all humans, including teens, and isolating them from their friends may cause them to act out in this stage. 

Late adolescence may end when a teen graduates high school, which may come with significant changes. There may be a sense of accomplishment if a young person is graduating or moving into the working world, as well as a potential sadness at losing their community and friend group, especially if they are leaving their hometown. Anxiety about the future may be a challenge during this life stage.  

Trial independence

According to Carl’s witty yet sensible guidebook, the last stage of adolescence is trial independence, which occurs between ages 18 and 24. In this stage, some young people choose to no longer live at home. They often work full-time, pursue further education, and face more responsibility than they used to. They may be learning new skills at work, taking on more difficult academic work in college, navigating life independently with a roommate, and paying bills. 

At this stage, young people may discover that independence can be challenging and may be discouraged by not having a solid or clear direction or career path to follow. Parents can shift from trying to manage their child’s life to playing more of a mentor role, providing advice when asked. When parents try to control their child’s life at this point, they may risk stopping their child from learning life lessons or negatively impacting their relationship.

When parents act as mentors, they may offer the benefits of their experience to help their children make safer or more effective choices to achieve their goals. To do so, parents may let go of the idea of corrective discipline. Instead, they may strive to be approachable and express faith in their child’s abilities. They can also provide consultation, understanding, and confidence instead of doubt, anger, disappointment, or worry.

Some lessons may be challenging from which to recover as a young person, and young adults may want to move back home to figure out their lives, which can be understandable. In this case, try not to return to the manager role in your child’s life. Instead, understand that moving back home may come with a considerable decrease in self-esteem for the young adult. Allow them an agreed-upon set period to stay home to get their feet back on the ground and encourage them by telling them that it can be normal to make mistakes and take time to discover who they are. 

Support options 

Talking to a therapist may be advantageous if you aren’t sure how to best support your child during adolescence. Parent-child relationships can be challenging. Talking to a therapist specializing in familial relationships can help you work through any complicated feelings or thoughts about your own childhood and figure out how to offer your child love and support as they move into adulthood. 

Online therapy may be an option if you are uncomfortable talking to someone in person or don’t have the time to drive to an office for weekly sessions. When you sign up for an online platform like BetterHelp for adults or TeenCounseling for teens aged 13 to 19, you can be matched with an available therapist within 48 hours, and you can attend sessions from the comfort of your home, or anywhere you have internet access. 

Research shows that online treatment is effective. In one review of 14 studies, researchers found that online treatment was as effective as meeting with a therapist in person. Regarding support for parents, additional research studies have confirmed the efficacy of online parenting therapy. A 2021 meta-analysis of 20 related studies found that online therapy effectively improved child behavior problems and mitigated parental depression.

Takeaway

Adolescence can be challenging for parents, but it may also be difficult for teens going through intense changes in a fast-evolving world. Knowing why your teen child acts the way they do and how you can best support them at each stage may help you survive your child’s adolescence and guide them through it. 

An experienced, patient, and knowledgeable therapist may also be beneficial in helping you and your teen get on the same page while respecting each other’s autonomy. Consider contacting a therapist online or in your area to get started.