Does Holding A Grudge Hurt You?

For many people, a grudge may start after feeling hurt or being wronged by another person. When this occurs, the trust in a relationship might be damaged, resulting in anger that is carried forward long-term. According to the dictionary, a grudge is a feeling of ill will or resentment. 

If you're holding a grudge against someone else, you might wonder whether these feelings will harm you. Understanding the impact of this experience can be beneficial when considering moving forward.

Effects of holding a grudge

"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." ---William H. Walton

When you are hurt, it might seem tempting to keep dwelling on the hurt and the circumstances behind it, letting resentment and hostility intensity. If left without processing, unwanted feelings might leave you in a state of bitterness, anger, and fear. These emotions can also lead to stress, which might have adverse long-term consequences. 

If you're holding a grudge against someone, it might also impact your relationships with other people in your life. If your anger or bitterness impacts others you love, you might struggle to enjoy your present surroundings and experiences. Holding a grudge can cause difficulty feeling joy, replacing it with unwanted emotions, conversations, and actions.

According to studies, suppressing your emotions can also harm your physical and mental health. Although you might express your emotions through holding a grudge, holding on to negative emotions over time may be a form of suppression, as it can keep you from positive feelings. 

In addition, many people who hold a grudge might wish they could change the past. However, changing the past is impossible, and focusing on the present or future may be healthier. While accepting and validating your experience can be beneficial, focusing on how you can heal and grow from the experience might produce greater positive results. It can be a conscious choice to hold onto your hurt and anger, or to let it go and move forward.

Does holding a grudge impact your health? 

While it might seem that holding a grudge only impacts your mental and emotional health, there are signs that it has a negative impact on your physical health as well. 

Several studies have suggested correlations between forgiveness and health. Charlotte van Oyen Witvliet, Ph.D., was the lead researcher in a study that measured the physical impact of holding a grudge. She noted, "When people think of their offenders in unforgiving ways, they tend to experience stronger negative emotions and greater [physiological] stress responses." Witvliet indicated that she believes those who don't forgive could be setting themselves up for future health problems, including cardiovascular challenges. 

When bitter and angry, it can impact your ability to cope with stress. Stress and a prolonged fight-or-flight response have long-term physical impacts, including inflammation and chronic pain. The stress response from anger can raise blood pressure, reduce the healthy tone of your vagus nerve, and activate a feedback loop of distress. The more you dwell on the circumstances and details of your grudge, replaying them continually in your mind, the more significant the physical impact may be. In many ways, holding a grudge hurts you more than others, sabotaging your body and its ability to remain healthy.

How does the fight or flight response work? 

For many people, holding onto resentment and anger activates the fight-or-flight response. The sympathetic nervous system then spikes cortisol levels, a stress-related hormone. Resolving a conflict or letting go of a grudge can stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, increasing the levels of oxytocin in your system. 

The two nervous systems work together, balancing your mood and your body's processes. However, when you hold a grudge, the sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive, putting out cortisol and increasing potential health risks. When in balance, these systems help you manage stress and its physical impacts on your body. When holding a grudge, that balance is disrupted.

Is forgiveness beneficial for your health? 

Throughout the years, research has consistently shown that forgiveness and letting go of a grudge can have a positive impact on your mental, emotional, and physical health. Forgiveness may allow you to stop dwelling on the negative aspects of your hurt while finding peace in putting the events into the past.

Forgiveness can be defined differently by many sources but may involve a decision to let go of your resentment and any thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt you might remain with you over time, but choosing to forgive the individual might allow you greater control of your feelings. Over time, it can allow you to develop more significant feelings of empathy, understanding, and compassion for others, potentially including those who have hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that you are excusing the harm done or reconcilling with the individual. Instead, it may be about regaining a sense of peace that can allow you to move forward without thinking about them so often, or with as much negative intensity.

Below are a few benefits of forgiveness:

• Improved mental health

• Lower blood pressure

• Decrease risk of depressive symptoms

• A stronger immune system

• Improved self-esteem

• Decreased levels of anxiety and stress

How do you forgive someone toward whom you have a grudge? 

The act of forgiveness can be challenging. Below are a few ways to forgive someone against whom you are holding a grudge. 

Practice forgiveness and empathy 

Like with many skills, practicing before you feel confident in your ability may be beneficial. For example, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of negativity, and it may be challenging to break that loop to initiate forgiveness. If you find yourself struggling to forgive, consider practicing empathy. Seeing the situation from the other person's viewpoint might help you understand their actions better, even if you don't accept them. 

Reflect on the situation 

Perhaps you might have reacted the same if the situation had been reversed. Ask yourself about the circumstances and what you might have done. It might help you feel more willing to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, or assume the best in them. You can also reflect on times when you might have hurt others. Did they extend forgiveness to you? How did that impact your relationship with them? In addition, try to think about times when you saw others extend forgiveness. How did it positively impact them?

Write in a journal 

Writing in a journal can also be a significant way to get your feelings out of your head, breaking the loop of your thoughts. Moving past a hurtful situation or circumstance often starts by articulating why you are hurt and the impact of the other person's actions. 

Give yourself time 

It might be valuable to recognize that forgiveness can be a process, which might mean you choose to forgive minor hurts repeatedly as you work to recover. In many ways, it may involve making a conscious choice not to continue to dwell on the situation but to focus on the positive aspects of your life as it is. 

Will forgiveness mean reconciling? 

Forgiving an individual does not necessarily mean that they will acknowledge what they did was hurtful or change their actions in the future. It also might not be appropriate for you to have further contact with that person, especially in cases of abuse.

Forgiveness may not be for the person who hurt you but more for yourself, so it isn't necessarily based on whether they are willing to change or take steps to repair their relationship with you. Instead, it can be about giving yourself peace of mind and releasing negativity surrounding the situation. It can take away that person's power over your life and your mental and emotional well-being.

If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat. 

Counseling options for further support 

In some instances, the circumstances underlying your grudge might be so significant that forgiving a person on your own seems impossible. In those instances, you might benefit by seeking a counselor or support group to help you learn techniques for moving forward from a grudge. They might also help you become more present through techniques like mindfulness. 

You might also benefit from online counseling if you face barriers to receiving therapy. Through a platform like BetterHelp, you can talk to a therapist discreetly from home or anywhere with an internet connection. In addition, you can write down your concerns before you get matched to potentially find a specialist in the area about which you're concerned. 

Studies also support the effectiveness of online therapy. One study found that internet-based interventions were as effective as in-person therapy for treating anger and aggression, which may be associated with "holding a grudge." As you move through treatment, you can gain personalized coping skills to support you in whatever emotions accompany your state of mind.