Don't Test Me: Understanding Men And Anger
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Anger is a normal emotion that almost everyone feels at certain times. It isn’t indicative of having mental health challenges and doesn’t always necessitate anger management techniques, online therapy, or other “fixes.” Likewise, while anger in men gets a lot of attention in most cultures, anger happens to people of all gender identities.
However, if you feel like anger is often a driving force behind unhealthy urges and behaviors in your life, it may be worth examining how you can control your anger. Understanding how to cope with anger is possible, and anger doesn't have to lead to unhealthy behaviors.
You're not alone if you're a man struggling with anger or any other mental health concern. Despite the stigmas surrounding men and mental health, there are a few avenues of support you can reach out to.
What is anger?
According to the American Psychological Association, anger is "an emotion characterized by tension and hostility arising from frustration, real or imagined injury by another, or perceived injustice." In some cases, anger is a secondary emotion. It often occurs as a response to other feelings like sadness, fear, or disgust.
Although it can feel distressing, anger isn't necessarily unhealthy on its own. In some cases, anger can motivate and let you know what needs to change. It can also help you see when you've been wronged. However, anger might become unhealthy when you lose control of your stability and behavior. For many men, anger can be a challenging emotion to cope with.
What are the signs of anger issues in men?
Anger can be beneficial when identifying threats and defending yourself. If not managed, however, anger can cause problems in relationships, careers, education, and personal life. A few signs of difficulty controlling anger include the following:
Hurting others verbally or physically
Finding yourself in a constant and consistent state of anger
Feeling your anger is out of control or you don't have a firm grip on it
Consistently regretting what you said or did while angry
Feeling angry after minor occurrences
Being told by others that your anger is negatively impacting them
Frequently scaring others with your anger-motivated behavior
Struggling to control your anger can also take its toll on your physical health. Studies have shown links between anger, cardiovascular issues, diabetes, and road accidents.
Types of anger
Anger is not limited to lashing out or breaking items. It can come in different styles and degrees of intensity, including the following.
Inward anger
Inward anger is often directed internally at yourself. It may include disappointment with yourself for not meeting your expectations, anger about your appearance, or anger at your past behaviors. This type of anger is often characterized by negative self-talk, depressing thoughts, and urges to "punish" yourself. It may involve self-harm or thoughts of suicide.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text 988 to talk to someone over SMS. They are available 24/7 to offer support.
Outward anger
Outward anger is often characterized by lashing out verbally or physically. Outward anger can include breaking objects, shouting, cursing, or engaging in road rage.
Passive anger
Passive anger can be challenging to identify. It is often demonstrated through passive-aggressive behavior, sarcastic comments, ignoring others to prove a point, or sulking. It may also accompany back-and-forth behavior between outward anger and internal anger.
Do men get angry more than other genders?
Men are often depicted as angrier than women. This depiction is common in movies, books, and real-life stories. Although men are more likely to commit violent crimes, people of all genders can experience anger.
Men are often more likely to express their anger outwardly. They might also be more susceptible to expressing their anger aggressively. For example, punching holes in walls, yelling, or throwing objects might occur.
Do traditional gender roles cause men to be angry?
Some men may struggle to identify with their emotions unless they're angry. While men experience a full range of emotions, anger seems to be the most socially acceptable emotion to some men. Society often depicts anger as powerful and masculine, while showing vulnerability is sometimes considered "weak."
For men, anger may often stem from another emotion. One of these emotions could be fear. For example, a man might fear losing their partner when they notice they're coming home late from work. When their partner arrives home, they might get angry, and unsure how to express their fear. For many men, part of reducing anger is understanding how to express and accept other emotions. It is not "feminine," "weak," or "shameful" to be sad, cry, feel fear, or worry about those you love.
Types of outbursts and negative impacts
Expressing your anger outwardly and aggressively can negatively impact your life and relationships. Below are some of the adverse effects.
Verbal abuse and shouting
One of the most common expressions of harmful outward anger is verbal abuse and shouting. A verbal outburst can be directed at your kids, partner, friends, family, or coworkers. Verbal abuse and shouting can be expressed in a variety of different ways, including the following:
Name-calling: This behavior often takes the shape of abusive and derogatory language. These insults may harm the self-esteem of others.
Threats: Threats are often used to strike fear and control the person on the receiving end.
Criticism: Criticism offered while angry might be harsh and persistent, causing the target of the abuse to feel harmed.
Blaming: Someone who is angry might blame others to reduce their accountability for themselves.
Judging: Judging can take the form of looking down on an individual or holding them to unrealistic expectations.
Verbal abuse and shouting can harm both the individual partaking in them and those impacted. The effects can include but are not limited to the following:
Decreased self-esteem
Anxiety
Chronic stress
Social withdrawal and isolation
Substance use
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Self-loathing
Breaking objects
When angry, breaking an item, throwing something, or putting your hand through the wall or a door may feel tempting. You may have been frustrated at someone and unsure how to contain your anger. Instead of lashing out verbally or physically at the individual, you might decide to break an item.
While aggression might offer short-term relief, studies have shown that those who break an item or hit a wall can become angrier after the fact. In addition, breaking an item can harm an individual emotionally and lead to property damage and potential wounds.
Healthy ways to release anger
Healthy anger can be expressed as a short-lived emotion focused on solving a problem or coming to a resolution. With healthy anger, the end goal isn't hurting someone, seeking vengeance, or gaining power. Below are some strategies for healthily releasing anger.
Deep breathing
When feeling intense levels of anger, it's easy to overlook and neglect your breathing. Not focusing on your breathing may keep you in fight-or-flight mode, leading you to stay angry for longer. Consider taking deep and controlled breaths. Breathe all of your anger in through your nose, then exhale through your mouth, releasing the anger.
Try finding a calm and relaxing spot to practice your breathing, and allow your neck and shoulders to relax and release tension. If you are consistently angry, consider doing these exercises three to five times a day for about five minutes at a time. Studies have found that deep breathing works, so keep trying if it doesn't work at first.
Move your body
When faced with difficult and frustrating situations, you might feel dissociated or "out of your body." Research shows that engaging in physical exercise can reduce anger. Next time you find yourself in one of these situations, try moving your body. Taking a walk, doing jumping jacks, and stretching can help you feel in touch with your body and environment and release pent-up energy.
Change the environment
In some cases, you may benefit from leaving the situation entirely. Try taking a walk, driving, or spending time alone in your space. When asking for space, do so in a healthy way. Don't jump out of a moving vehicle, pretend you're abandoning someone you love, or run away without a word. Instead, you can say, "I need some time alone to take a breather. I'll be back soon." Removing yourself from the situation or environment may allow you to clear your head. When you return, you can use coping mechanisms to have a healthier conversation with the person you felt angry at.
Use humor
Using humor to cope with unwanted emotions and anger may effectively change your mood and perspective. Studies have found that laughing can increase mental health and wellness, as well. If you're not in the mood to laugh, consider watching funny videos, making a joke, or going to a local comedy show.
Practice sports
Moving your body can be an effective way to relieve anger and stress. If you are in a more frequent state of anger, consider sports. Sports can relieve more than one need, as they are often a way to make friends and connect socially.
Combat sports like boxing, MMA, and jujitsu can all be ways to release anger and tension. Sports like tennis, baseball, and soccer are also options. Hitting and striking a ball may allow you to express your emotion outwardly and physically without causing harm to yourself or your loved ones.
Consult with a professional
One of the most effective ways to address your anger and better grasp emotional difficulties may be to seek a licensed counselor. You might try online therapy if you don't feel comfortable going into a therapist's office. Online counseling can be done from home, and you can use a nickname to attend sessions discreetly. You can also choose between phone, video, or live chat sessions, giving you control over the format.
Studies have found that men often prefer online therapy to in-person options more than any other gender due to the stigma surrounding mental healthcare for men. Online healthcare has also been found more cost-effective and can be a discreet option. If you're interested in receiving care online, a platform like BetterHelp can connect you with one of over 30,000 therapists.
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Takeaway
Why are men prone to anger?
Men, like women, can experience anger, but the perception that men are more prone to anger may be influenced by social and cultural factors. Several factors can contribute to this perception:
- Societal Expectations: In many cultures, traditional gender roles have historically assigned men the role of defender and provider. These roles can come with the expectation that men should be assertive and strong, which may manifest as anger in certain situations.
- Emotional Expression: Men may be socialized to express their emotions differently than women. They may be taught to suppress or mask vulnerable emotions like sadness or fear and instead display anger as a more socially acceptable emotion.
- Socialization: From a young age, boys are often encouraged to be tough and not to cry or show vulnerability. This socialization can lead to the expression of frustration or anger as an alternative to other emotions.
- Stress and Pressure: Men may experience higher levels of stress and pressure related to their roles as breadwinners or the expectation to be stoic in the face of adversity, which can result in anger as a coping mechanism.
- Coping Mechanism: Some men may turn to anger as a way to cope with difficult situations or feelings of powerlessness. It can serve as a defense mechanism to regain a sense of control.
These factors are not universal, and individuals vary in how they express and manage their emotions, regardless of gender. Addressing and managing anger in healthy ways is important for everyone, regardless of gender, to maintain emotional well-being and constructive relationships.
Is anger more common in men?
There is no conclusive evidence to suggest that anger is inherently more common in men compared to women. Anger is a natural and universal human emotion that can be experienced by individuals of any gender. However, the expression and management of anger may vary among individuals and can be influenced by a range of factors, including cultural, societal, and individual differences.
Some studies have suggested that men may be more likely to express their anger in overt or aggressive ways, while women may be more inclined to internalize or suppress their anger. However, these patterns are not universal, and there is significant variability in how individuals of all genders experience and express anger.
What to do about a man with anger issues?
Dealing with a man who has anger issues can be challenging, but there are 10 constructive steps you can take to help him manage and address his anger in healthier ways:
- Stay Safe: If you feel threatened or unsafe during an anger outburst, prioritize your safety and that of others. Leave the situation if necessary and seek help from authorities or a trusted friend or family.
- Communication: Encourage open and calm communication about the issue. Choose a time when both of you are relaxed and can talk without distractions. Express your concern for his well-being and the impact his anger has on your relationship.
- Listen Actively: Be a good listener. Allow him to express his feelings and concerns. Sometimes, anger can be a response to underlying stress, frustration, or emotional pain.
- Suggest Professional Help: Suggest that he seek professional assistance, such as therapy or anger management counseling. A trained therapist can help him explore the root causes of his anger and develop strategies to manage it effectively.
- Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries regarding what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Communicate the consequences of ongoing anger issues, and be prepared to enforce those boundaries if necessary.
- Encourage Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Encourage him to adopt healthier coping mechanisms for stress and anger, such as exercise, mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, or journaling.
- Seek Support: Consider seeking support for yourself as well, such as counseling or support groups for individuals dealing with loved ones who have anger issues. It can be emotionally challenging, and support can help you manage the situation better.
- Stay Calm: During interactions, try to remain calm and composed. Responding with anger or frustration can escalate the situation. Model the behavior you hope to see.
- Avoid Triggers: Identify common triggers of his anger, if possible, and work together to minimize or avoid them. This might involve changes in routines or environments.
- Monitor Progress: Encourage him to monitor his progress in managing anger. Celebrate small successes and be patient with setbacks.
Do men with anger issues change?
Men (or individuals of any gender) with anger issues can change and learn to manage their anger more effectively with the right support, self-awareness, and commitment to personal growth. Anger varies by person and the extent and success of change can vary depending on several factors, including the individual's willingness to address the issue, the underlying causes of their anger, and the support they receive. Not everyone with anger issues will make significant changes, and progress can vary from person to person.
Is anger issues a red flag?
Yes, anger issues can be a red flag in a relationship or when considering a potential partner. Anger issues, if left unaddressed or untreated, can have negative consequences for both the individual with an anger problem and those around them including physical or emotional abuse. Here are some reasons why anger issues may be considered a red flag:
- Potential for Harm: Anger issues can escalate into aggressive or abusive behavior, posing a risk to the safety and well-being of others in the relationship. This can include emotional, verbal, or physical harm when men hurt women or when women hurt men.
- Impact on Communication: When anger is a default emotion, it can hinder effective communication and problem-solving in the relationship. It may lead to shouting matches, blame, and avoidance of important issues.
- Emotional Intimacy: Anger issues can create emotional distance in a relationship, making it difficult to build trust and emotional intimacy.
- Recurring Conflicts: Frequent and unresolved conflicts related to anger can strain the relationship and lead to a cycle of repeated arguments and tension.
- Stress and Anxiety: Living with someone who has anger issues can be stressful and anxiety-inducing. The constant fear of outbursts or conflicts can take a toll on one's mental and emotional well-being.
- Negative Impact on Children: If children are present in the household, exposure to anger issues can have a detrimental impact on their emotional development and sense of safety.
- Isolation: Partners may isolate themselves or withdraw from social activities to avoid embarrassment or confrontation due to their partner's anger issues.
While anger itself is a normal emotion, chronic and uncontrolled anger that results in aggressive or harmful behavior is a concern. It's essential to address anger issues through therapy, relaxation strategies, counseling, or anger management programs to work toward healthier expressions of emotions and negative thoughts and to build healthier, more harmonious relationships.
Why is my husband so angry and irritable?
Anger is one of our basic emotions and it can be a normal response in some situations, however, if anger seems to be the norm it may be beneficial to understand more. Understanding why your husband is consistently angry and irritable can be complex, as there can be various underlying factors contributing to these emotions. Here are some possible reasons:
- Stress: High levels of stress, whether related to work, finances, family issues, or other factors, can lead to increased irritability and anger. When stress becomes chronic, it can manifest as ongoing irritability and may negatively impact the immune system along with other physical symptoms such as high blood pressure.
- Unresolved Issues: Personal or relationship issues that have not been addressed or resolved can lead to anger and frustration. These issues could include past conflicts, unmet needs, or communication problems.
- Mental Health: Some mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder, can lead to mood swings, irritability, and anger. If you suspect a mental health issue, consider seeking professional help.
- Substance Abuse: Substance abuse, including alcohol or drugs, can alter mood and behavior, leading to increased irritability and anger.
- Health Concerns: Physical health problems or chronic pain can contribute to irritability and anger. Discomfort or pain can affect a person's mood and patience.
- Relationship Dynamics: Relationship issues, such as conflicts, lack of communication, or unmet expectations, can result in ongoing anger and irritability within a marriage.
How do guys feel when a girl is mad at them?
When a girl is mad at a guy, it can evoke a range of emotions and reactions depending on the individual and the circumstances. Some common feelings that guys may experience in such situations include confusion, frustration, guilt, and anxiety.
Confusion often arises because guys may not fully understand the reasons behind the girl's anger or the specific actions or words that triggered it. This confusion can lead to negative emotions and frustration, as they may struggle to figure out how to resolve the issue or make amends. Guilt may also be a prominent emotion, as they may regret their actions or words that contributed to the girl's anger. Anxiety can also emerge from the uncertainty of how to address the situation and whether the girl's anger will escalate or dissipate over time.
Why do men get more angry with age?
While not all men get more angry with age, many do experience a drop in testosterone and other hormonal changes which may make them more irritable, angry, or grumpy. In addition to hormonal changes, health issues, loss and grief, along with stress may trigger anger more easily with age. It is important to note that every man ages differently and not all men become more angry over time.
When a man is frustrated?
When a man is frustrated, he may exhibit a range of emotional and behavioral responses. Frustration is a natural response to encountering obstacles or challenges, and how it is expressed can vary from person to person. Here are some common ways in which a man may react when feeling frustrated:
- Verbal Expression: He may express his frustration through words, such as venting, complaining, or vocalizing his feelings of annoyance or irritation.
- Physical Expression: Frustration can sometimes lead to physical manifestations, such as tense muscles, clenched fists, or restlessness. Some individuals may engage in physical activities like pacing or fidgeting.
- Withdrawal: In some cases, a man may withdraw or become quiet when frustrated, preferring to deal with his emotions internally rather than telling them verbally.
- Emotional Responses: Frustration can evoke a range of emotions, including anger, annoyance, impatience, or even sadness. Anger may be a secondary emotion and the specific emotional response can depend on the nature of the frustration and the individual's personality.
How do I deal with a short-tempered boyfriend?
Dealing with a short-tempered boyfriend can be challenging, but it's possible to navigate the situation effectively and improve the relationship by employing these strategies:
- Stay Calm: When your boyfriend becomes short-tempered, try to remain calm and composed. Responding with anger or frustration can escalate the situation. A calm demeanor can help diffuse tension.
- Communicate: Encourage open and honest communication with your boyfriend. Express your concerns about his short temper in a non-confrontational manner, emphasizing how it affects you and the relationship.
- Active Listening: When he's upset, actively listen to what he's saying. Sometimes, people just need to feel heard and understood. Ask questions to clarify his perspective and feelings.
- Empathy: Try to understand what might be triggering his short temper. It could be stress, personal issues, or external factors. Show empathy and support rather than judgment.
- Boundaries: Set clear boundaries regarding what behavior is acceptable in the relationship. Communicate the consequences of ongoing anger outbursts, and be prepared to enforce those boundaries if necessary.
- Seek Professional Help: If his short temper is causing significant problems in the relationship or if it escalates to verbal or physical abuse, consider suggesting professional help. A therapist or anger management program can be beneficial.
- Identify Triggers: Help him identify his anger triggers, and work together on strategies to manage or avoid them. This could involve stress reduction techniques, problem-solving skills, or relaxation exercises.
- Offer Support: Let him know that you're there to support him in managing his temper and finding healthier ways to cope with stress or frustration.
- Self-Care: Take care of your own well-being. Ensure you have a support system outside of the relationship, engage in self-care activities, and consider seeking counseling for yourself if needed.
- Evaluate the Relationship: Reflect on whether the relationship is healthy and fulfilling for both of you. If his short temper or chronic anger continues to cause harm or if the relationship becomes emotionally or physically abusive, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship's future.
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