How To Cope With An Angry Toddler

Medically reviewed by Laura Angers Maddox, NCC, LPC
Updated October 10, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Adults can struggle to cope with and control anger, so a child who has not yet learned to control emotions can struggle severely. The world may seem huge and confusing to a toddler, so anger and stress may arise more quickly. For parents or caregivers, it can be challenging to know how to cope or support the child when they become overwhelmed. 

One of the first steps in coping with an angry toddler is understanding why they might have become angry. Once you have this knowledge, you may be better prepared to cope and offer compassionate support. 

Are you ready to learn calming strategies for an angry toddler?

What makes toddlers angry?

The toddler age range is often around one to three and a half years. During this phase of life, toddlers have significant mental development ahead of them. Because they cannot control their emotions, they may be more prone to anger and emotional outbursts. They may express this overwhelming emotion by screaming, crying, or acting out physically. 

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), the most common causes of toddler anger include the following: 

  • Lack of attention from those around them

  • Difficulty communicating their needs

  • Exhaustion

  • Sickness 

  • Lack of understanding from those around them

  • Difficulty controlling emotions 

  • Hunger or thirst 

  • Needing a diaper change 

Understanding what makes toddlers angry may relieve stress for those who question what to do when a toddler is screaming, crying, or having a tantrum. In some instances where you're unsure, go down the list to determine the cause of your toddler's distress. 

In some cases, toddlers may become angry when they believe something is missing from their daily routine. In addition, toddlers may struggle to communicate, so crying and screaming may be ways for them to attempt to meet their needs. If a caregiver is unable to meet their needs or responds with anger and blaming, the toddler may escalate due to a lack of emotional support and the initial inciting event. 

How to support your angry toddler 

Understanding what angers and sets off toddlers is the first step to supporting them. After determining the cause, taking a gentle and constructive approach with your child can be essential. They may not understand their emotions or the difference between healthy and unhealthy behavior at this age, so tailor your response to their age group. 

Be aware of your conduct

Be the role model of the behavior you want to see from your toddler. Experts show that children mimic their parents and learn from their environment. Children of this age are impressionable. They may learn to copy the behavior if they are exposed to adults who scream, swear, or lash out at others when upset or displeased. A toddler regularly exposed to an environment where anger is managed constructively may be more receptive to learning to manage their anger in ways that don't involve screaming or tantrums.

Set and enforce rules

Toddlers are naturally curious. They're surrounded by objects and artifacts that are new to them. They want to explore and learn, both of which are natural, healthy behaviors. However, there are certain instances where exploring may not be socially appropriate or physically safe. For example, it is unsafe for a toddler to explore an electrical outlet or hot stove. 

In cases where exploration is unsafe, and a child becomes angry, it can be essential to teach behaviors. When rules are established and set in place, you may avoid angry outbursts. Be consistent in these rules. If you sometimes let a toddler partake in an activity and sometimes don't, they may be more prone to anger. 

Reward positive behavior

Rewarding good behavior is one effective way to help toddlers reduce their anger. It may also prevent anger to an extent. However, understand that children may make mistakes and aren't perfect. Rewarding the positive teaches your toddler the expected behavior and may reduce some negative behaviors over time. 

Rewarding positive behavior doesn't mean your child will never make mistakes or do what you ask them not to. However, it may plant a seed for constructive and healthy development. You do not have to reward your child with presents or candy, as adults aren't always rewarded for their accomplishments, either. Instead, tell your child, "Wow! You did a great job!" Hug them and show them you're proud of them through your actions. 

Correct negative behavior

Correcting negative behavior may also be valuable for supporting a toddler's development. There are many ways to discourage toddlers from misbehaving. With time and consistency, toddlers may learn what they should and shouldn't do. Furthermore, they may be able to associate positive behaviors with positive outcomes and damaging behaviors with adverse outcomes.

Note that some parents believe consequences should match the severity and context of the behavior. For example, if a child throws their drink on the floor, sit with them and ask them to clean it up, reminding them that it isn't okay to throw drinks because it causes a mess that is a safety hazard. Each time they throw their drink, they're responsible for cleaning it up. When they learn that cleaning isn't fun, they may be less likely to throw their drink. Suppose you punish this behavior by yelling at them and putting them in a room alone for ten minutes. In that case, they may not associate the consequence with the action, instead believing they are being unfairly abandoned and ignored. 

Considerations for supporting angry toddlers 

You can take specific steps to cope with anger in toddlers. However, you may find that toddlers' general teaching and parenting can be tailored to improve overall behavior. Keep the following tips in mind. 

Remain open to options 

Toddlers are inherently curious about the environment around them. There may be moments when you cannot change the circumstances. However, in some cases, it may be beneficial to give toddlers options. For example, allowing toddlers to choose which nighttime story they want you to read to them or what two outfits they want to wear for the day helps them learn decision-making and provides an outlet for being less confined. Giving them autonomy over their decisions can be essential to showing them you respect their personhood. 

Say "yes" sometimes

There may be cases when your toddler asks you for a favor. It can be okay and healthy to say "Yes" sometimes. Constantly hearing "no" whenever they speak up about their desires may be frustrating for a young child eager to learn about the world around them and mimic their parents and siblings. Saying “No" is okay if you are setting a boundary. Giving in to your child when you've already set a boundary may do the opposite of helping. However, allow your child to enjoy an activity or treat they love or want to try occasionally. 

Keep a routine

Certain routines can change, vary, or disappear as a child ages. However, for toddlers, routines are often critical. Routines help toddlers know when to expect their needs to be met. When a toddler knows what's coming and when, it may reduce helplessness and frustration. Putting together and sticking with consistent routines often takes time and practice, but it can make a difference. Consider keeping your toddler's feeding times, walks, and enrichment on a consistent schedule. 

Prevent instead of "cure" 

You may help a toddler avoid tantrums and anger by preventing scenarios that often generate frustration. For example, be mindful of your environment. You can keep items out of their reach that you don't want them to touch, like a shiny, breakable bowl. In this scenario, you're preventing having to take it away from them in the future and deal with a tantrum. 

Often, toddlers are upset by loud noises, flashing lights, or other confusing sensory experiences. Be mindful of this factor when partaking in activities together. Toddlers may not benefit from toys that are too advanced for them, as it can overwhelm them and cause frustration. Over time, learn what sets your toddler off and do what you can to avoid it instead of blaming your child for their natural developmental milestones. 

Are you ready to learn calming strategies for an angry toddler?

Consider reaching out for support 

Some parents and caregivers may benefit from reaching out for professional support if their child is showing aggressive behavior. Parenting a toddler can be stressful. A therapist can help you troubleshoot difficult parenting milestones and mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, a significant life change, or stress. In addition, if you're too busy for in-person therapy, you can try online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp. 

With online therapy, you can attend therapy from home while caring for your children. You can also set a session that suits your schedule, as some therapists offer sessions outside of standard business hours. You can meet with your therapist anywhere you have an internet connection.

Studies show that online therapy is often effective. One study found that internet-based interventions were effective for individual clients from families experiencing significant stress and mental health challenges. 

Takeaway

Although there are many ways to support an angry toddler, you're not alone, and it's okay not to be perfect as a parent or caregiver. You might mess up sometimes, just like they do. Working with toddlers can be a journey, so learning as you go can be part of it. Understanding what angers toddlers and taking steps accordingly can be essential to improving the mental health of you and your toddler. 

Learning to cope with a toddler can be a trying experience for many people. If you're struggling, you're not alone. Consider reaching out to a therapist for further guidance and support.

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