How To Manage Grief And Anger
Like grief, anger can be a complicated emotion. When the two occur together, it can be challenging to work through them. If anger and grief are affecting your ability to function in daily life, or if you have been grieving for longer than a year with minimal improvement, working with a mental health professional can help you learn to manage these complicated emotions.
Stages of grieving
To understand how anger and grief are connected, it can help to look at the five stages of grief. Although everyone copes with grief in their own way, these five stages can give some idea of the types of emotions most people experience. Note that people do not always move through these stages linearly, and they may not experience all of the stages.
Denial
Denial can be seen as a defense mechanism that people may use when grieving as a way to avoid accepting the reality of what is occurring or has occurred. This can be a typical reaction to grief and may help individuals slowly process and accept a situation that may initially be overwhelming. Denial can take many forms, like avoiding talking about the subject or refusing to acknowledge that it is happening.
Anger
Once someone has begun to accept the reality of the situation at hand, they may move into anger, the next stage of grief, although the stages may not always take place in this particular order. Grief-related anger can be directed in any number of places: at oneself, at others, at God, at doctors, or even at the person who has passed away. For example, someone may blame a surgeon for not fixing a complicated medical problem or be angry with the deceased individual for not going to the doctor sooner.
Bargaining
Grief can lead to a sense of hopelessness and may be a stark reminder of how little we can control. It can be common for people to make agreements with themselves or a higher power to relieve intense feelings, try to undo a situation, or attempt to change the outcome. For example, someone may promise God that if things return to how they were before, they will go to church every Sunday.
Depression
Another common stage of grief is depression. In this stage, people usually begin to process their feelings about the loss, whereas previous stages typically function as methods of avoidance. In the depression stage, people may experience a loss of interest in things they once enjoyed. They may have changes in sleep or eating patterns and experience significant shifts in energy levels or weight.
These feelings can be seen as a natural response to grief. Depression resulting from bereavement generally lasts for a limited time. If depression symptoms continue and cause significant impairment for more than a year, the individual may have prolonged grief disorder, a diagnosable condition that often benefits from professional treatment.
Acceptance
The fifth stage of grief is acceptance. During this stage, a person typically accepts the reality of the loss and begins to move forward with life.
Symptoms of the anger stage of grief
Because everyone grieves differently, the anger stage can manifest in many ways. Some people may cope with their grief and anger by acting out in rage, while others may become irritable, frustrated, or cynical. They may look for someone to blame or begin blaming themselves. Some may turn their anger outward and yell or throw things, while others may turn their anger inward and isolate themselves from their friends and family members.
Other symptoms of grief-related anger can include seeking revenge, neglecting self-care and hygiene, engaging in self-harm, or misusing substances to cope.
Anger, depression, and other emotions in the grieving process
Anger can be a sign of depression in some cases. Because anger and depression can both be stages of grief, and people can move through these stages out of order, it can be difficult to tell where one stage ends and another begins.
In fact, one of the criticisms of the five stages of grief is that it is too linear and implies that people must move through each stage in order, eventually reaching acceptance.
It can be crucial to remember that each person’s experience with grief is unique. Some people may move through these stages linearly and fluidly while others may exhibit signs of more than one stage at a time or move through the stages in a different order. People can experience a range of emotions, from anger to depression, shock, guilt, loneliness, and everything in between, at any time during the grieving process.
When does anger during grief become a problem?
There may be a point when your feelings of anger or the way you respond to them can be signs of a concern other than the typical grieving process. Here are some considerations that may help you determine whether what you are experiencing is typical grief or something else.
Typical emotions associated with grieving
People can experience a wide variety of emotions in association with grief, but these emotions tend to fade over time. That does not necessarily mean that the emotional pain associated with grief resolves completely, but most people are able to move forward adequately within a year of the loss.
Prolonged grief disorder
According to Harvard Health Publishing, between 7% and 10% of bereaved adults experience prolonged grief disorder. This can be described as a debilitating condition involving unresolved grief that interferes with various aspects of function. It typically involves ongoing symptoms more than a year after the loss.
Symptoms of complicated grief, a term sometimes used to refer to prolonged grief disorder, can include intense pain and rumination about the loss, difficulty accepting the death, bitterness about the loss, and an inability to enjoy life or look back on positive experiences with the deceased person. People with complicated grief may have a difficult time functioning in their day-to-day lives and may isolate themselves or withdraw from others.
Coping with anger and grief
Coping with grief can be challenging, and it can take time. You may not experience all of the stages of grief, or you may get stuck in the anger stage or another stage. It can be important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to mourn.
Experts say that you should allow yourself to grieve in your own way, on your own time, as you learn how to let go of, accept, and live with the loss. That said, if you are experiencing significant amounts of anger or struggling to manage outbursts, there may be some strategies you can use to adapt and move through this stage of grief.
Moving beyond the anger stage
While it may be beneficial to give yourself grace for feeling angry while grieving, you may be able to work through this intense emotion, particularly if it is harming you or those around you.
Try identifying why you are angry. For example, if you are mad because you sense you’ve been abandoned, try reaching out to your support system or connecting with support groups. It can help to set aside some time every day to cope with your anger. You can try stress-relieving techniques like yoga, meditation, deep breathing, or journaling. Releasing pent-up tension and stress can alleviate anger and prepare you to manage it more effectively when it does arise.
Grief counseling
If you are having a difficult time coping with anger or any of the other stages of grief, working with a mental health professional can help you learn to manage these complex emotions.
What is grief counseling?
Grief counseling can be described as a type of mental health therapy that can help people who have experienced a loss learn techniques for healthy grieving. This type of therapy may focus on a variety of techniques for coping with grief, accepting the loss, connecting with and expressing your feelings about the loss, and overcoming guilt.
Coping with anger in therapy
If you are experiencing anger as part of the grieving process or as a symptom of another condition, working with a therapist can help you manage this strong emotion. Anger can have many effects on your physical and mental health, and it can lead to relationship issues as well. If you are experiencing anger and grief simultaneously, it can be overwhelming and difficult to adjust and move forward.
Getting support in online therapy
There are many ways to seek support for grief and anger, but some people may find it difficult to talk about potentially vulnerable emotions in person. Online therapy can be a convenient, flexible option that allows you to work with a qualified mental health professional from any location with a reliable internet connection.
Benefits of online therapy
With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can meet with a licensed mental health professional at a time that suits your schedule. Most people who sign up are matched with a provider within 48 hours, and you can switch therapists at any time until you find the right match.
Research has found that online therapy can effectively treat a variety of mental health concerns. According to a 2021 systematic review and meta-analysis, online therapy can reduce symptoms of grief, depression, and post-traumatic stress.
Takeaway
Anger can constitute one of the stages of grief, and it can be a typical reaction to loss. If your grief interferes with your ability to function in day-to-day life, or if you have been experiencing severe grief for longer than a year with minimal improvement, working with a mental health professional in person or online can help you process these complicated feelings and begin to move forward.
Frequently asked questions
Can grief cause lashing out?
Anger is a natural response to dealing with the loss of a loved one. You might experience frustration, resentment, and other difficult emotions as you grasp what has occurred. In some cases, people may lash out in their relationships to express their hurt. However, coping skills for grief may help them reduce this risk. You can experience grief and feel anger and still make positive choices in your relationships.
How long does the anger phase of grief last?
People experiencing grief may feel angry for any amount of time. In addition, the “Five Stages of Grief” model may not fit everyone’s situation. Some people don’t experience anger at all after a significant loss, instead experiencing sadness or feeling overwhelmed. If you wonder whether you’ve been angry for too long or not angry enough, it may be helpful to consider that all grieving is different. Although the five stages model may explain some people’s experiences, it’s okay if yours fits into a different outcome or model.
Can grief cause anger issues?
Anger issues can easily manifest after loss, whether due to primary or secondary losses. Grief counselors are often trained in anger management for this reason, as many people experience anger as a grief response, including children, adolescents, and adults. People may become angry at the world, their loved ones, themselves, or God. They might blame themselves for a loved one’s illness or take on responsibility for what they could’ve done “differently.” Anger can also be a response to suppressing sadness or desiring to take care of others and ignore one’s own emotions during grief.
Why does anger grow from grief?
Anger can occur when grieving for many reasons. For some, anger is a protective mechanism to cope with the deep sadness of loss. For others, anger might arise as a form of denial of the situation. Everyone is different, but you may be able to learn more about your anger response by speaking with a grief counselor.
What is grief rage?
Grief rage is a term to describe rage after loss. Someone might have episodes of extreme anger that are difficult to cope with. These episodes can be confusing, especially if one doesn’t know why they’re happening or isn’t usually an angry person. If you’re rageful while going through your grief, know that this response is normal. Talking to a grief counselor may help you cope with the emotions and come up with ways to reduce the impacts.
How do I let my anger out from grief?
There are many healthy ways to express emotions after grief, including but not limited to the following:
- Watching a movie or listening to a sad song that helps you cry (if you struggle to cry on your own)
- Writing about your feelings and thoughts in a journal
- Filling out a guided grief journal
- Listening to a guided grief meditation
- Talking to someone you love about your feelings
- Talking to a grief therapist
- Attending a grief support group
- Creating art or music
- Completing a ritual to say goodbye or let go of someone you’ve lost
Can grief make you go mad?
Grief can cause intense emotions that seem to never end. These feelings can be so strong that one might become confused on how to handle them. However, grief is not permanent, and neither are emotions. You may have difficult moments that come and go, and they may last a long time. However, with support and time, you may start to notice these feelings fade or become more manageable.
During which stage of grief do people lash out?
People can lash out at any time during their grieving process, and not everyone lashes out in anger. Some people may go through grief and not feel angry at all. Generally, in the five stages of grief model, anger is the second stage. However, some people don’t relate to this model, and people can go through the stages of grief in any order. Some people may skip the anger stage altogether.
Can grief change your behavior?
Grief can cause significant emotional shifts, which may cause new behavioral urges. For example, while experiencing intense anger, one might have the urge to yell at loved ones. This urge might be different from how they’d normally react when not grieving. These behavioral changes are often temporary unless one develops a mental health condition like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to their grief. Talking to a mental health professional may be helpful in these cases, as many challenges related to grief are treatable or manageable with support.
Can grief cause erratic behavior?
Yes, grief can cause erratic behavior. However, not everyone is the same. If you’re noticing new behavioral urges after a loss, consider seeking support from a licensed therapist or grief support group. You’re not alone, and support is available.
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