Is Going To Bed Angry Bad For You?
You’ve probably heard the age-old saying, “Never go to bed angry” before. It’s often one of the most common pieces of advice given to newly married couples. It can be wise not to go to bed angry in some cases, as going to bed may exacerbate the conflict and cause the disagreement to linger. Going to bed angry can also negatively impact your sleep. However, sometimes it may be wise to go to bed before continuing to work out the issue at hand. For instance, if the disagreement can’t be easily resolved, if you’re too tired or not thinking clearly, and if you’re no longer focused on the real issues, it can be best to get some sleep. Online therapy is often a helpful resource for individuals and couples to address personal challenges and relationship conflicts.
Reasons to avoid going to bed angry
While it can’t always be avoided, going to bed angry can be problematic for the health of the relationship (and each partner) and may prevent issues from being properly addressed. The following are several reasons you should generally avoid going to sleep when you’re upset with your partner.
The disagreement can linger
When you go to bed angry, it can be tempting to wake up in the morning, push that anger aside, and go on with your day. The problem with this can be that you’re likely putting off the necessary work of finding a solution. Disagreements rarely resolve themselves, so you may simply be delaying an inevitable conversation. Particularly when it’s a manageable conflict, it can help to address the situation before bed.
It can exacerbate the conflict
Have you ever noticed that, at times, when you stay angry for a while, your anger starts to build? When you and your partner are upset, sleeping on a disagreement may worsen the situation. Studies have shown that negative associations can be consolidated during sleep, meaning you may have a harder time getting over a conflict if you sleep on it. Additionally, an argument might start about one thing but, over time, start to include disagreements from the past.
You might get poor sleep
It’s possible that trying to go to sleep when you’re feeling irritated or upset may affect your sleep. You may find yourself lying in bed, thinking about the situation. If your partner goes to sleep after an argument, but you're lying awake, that can cause your anger to grow. When sleep disruptions like this occur regularly, they can lead to mental and physical health challenges. A good night's sleep can promote emotional wellness, which may help you and your partner navigate relationship concerns in healthier ways.
When it’s okay to go to bed angry
There can be exceptions to the rule, “Never go to bed angry.” Below are some examples of times when going to sleep is likely the best option.
When the disagreement can’t be easily resolved
If you're angry about something that you can’t resolve quickly, then it can be worth going to bed instead of staying up and arguing about it. For example, if you and your partner are having a major disagreement over your budget, you are not likely to resolve that situation before bedtime. Managing the situation and your emotions on little sleep can make the situation even harder.
This doesn’t mean you have to go to bed angry, necessarily—just that you may have to go to bed before coming to an agreement. You can tell your partner that you understand the importance of the topic and want to finish the conversation, but that now might not be the best time. You and your partner can make plans on when to resume the conversation. This can help your anger subside a little as you take a break—as long as you have a plan to talk again.
When you’re too tired
Late nights can make tense situations feel even more uncomfortable. You may be tired from a long day and emotionally drained from the conflict with your partner, so it can be easy to let your emotions and anger escalate due to exhaustion. In these situations, it can be wise to get the rest that you need and address the problem the next day. You can mention to your partner that nighttime is not always the best time to make decisions or work through things, and that you’d like to table the discussion for the evening.
When you aren't thinking clearly
If excessive anger or other emotions are clouding your judgment, you may not be able to resolve the situation before you go to bed. When your heart rate is elevated and you can feel stress and tension building, it may not be the right time to talk. You could say and do things that you will regret when you try to resolve a situation with your anger at a high level. Additionally, if alcohol or other substances are involved, it can be even harder to have a constructive conversation. Instead, it may be better to spend a few minutes trying to decompress and relax, and then go to bed, waiting until the next day to address the situation when you are a little calmer.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
When you're no longer talking about the real issue
It's often a good time to go to bed once the argument has veered away from the original topic. You may notice that you’re no longer making progress toward a solution or have started to discuss other issues. When you reach this point in an argument, a good night’s sleep can help you approach the problem with a fresh perspective.
What to do when you can't resolve your anger
If you have reached a place where you have trouble managing your anger, consider talking to a therapist. Whether it's related to your relationship or other aspects of your life, anger can have significant effects on your emotional and physical well-being. If you and your partner often go to bed angry, a couples therapist could help you develop useful communication skills and provide unbiased insights into your relationship.
In addition to providing a different point of view, a therapist can help you manage symptoms of mental health concerns that you experience individually. Therapy can help you get to the root of your anger and teach you important coping skills. You can also seek out anger management courses or support groups, which may be attended individually or as a couple. Consider searching for local classes or participating in a remote anger management group.
Benefits of online therapy
Online therapy platforms can help couples confront the underlying issues that lead to disagreements, and you may also be able to message your therapist outside of sessions. If you and your partner are having trouble communicating late at night, you can make a note of your disagreement or feelings then and there, and your therapist will usually respond when they are able. You can also schedule individual therapy sessions to address any personal challenges you may be experiencing.
Effectiveness of online therapy
Studies show that online therapy can be useful for both managing symptoms of anger and improving communication in relationships. One study found that online therapy can be beneficial for distressed relationships. The study mentions the barriers that often prevent couples from receiving in-person therapy, including time constraints, provider availability issues, and high costs, noting that online therapy can be a way to bridge that treatment gap.
Takeaway
What does going to bed angry do?
Going to bed mad can do many things, and it has its pros and cons. When you go to bed angry, it can cause the disagreement to linger and your anger to grow. You may wake up in the morning and go about your day, pushing your anger aside, but this may stop you and your partner from working through your issues. Plus, going to bed irritated and angry in the heat of the moment may affect your sleep, leaving you tired and more irritated the next day.
On the other hand, sometimes it may be beneficial to go to bed angry so as not to cause more harm. If you’re angry about something unlikely to be resolved quickly, staying up and arguing about it may make the situation harder to manage. You don’t necessarily have to go to bed angry or admit you’re wrong, though. Sometimes, it can be seen as hitting a pause button. If you both understand the importance of whatever you disagree about and commit to dealing with the topic tomorrow, it can be enough.
You may also find it beneficial to go to bed angry if you are too tired, drained, or unable to think clearly and really hear what your partner is saying. Emotions and anger may escalate with exhaustion, so it can be better to table the discussion until a later time when you can process the discussion more appropriately with the wisdom that comes with a good night’s sleep.
What does the Bible say about going to bed angry?
In Ephesians 4:26, the Bible says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.”
Is it OK to sleep on a fight?
Most relationship experts may agree that it can depend on the circumstances. For example, if you’re angry about something that may not be resolved quickly or are too tired to think clearly, sleeping in a fight can be the right decision. It can be helpful to come to an agreement with your partner that you both realize the importance of resolving the issue and planning to come back to it when you are better prepared to work toward a solution.
Is it normal to be angry at night?
If you find that you are experiencing anger at night more often than during the day, there may be a reason for it. The truth is if you have a stressful day and are tired or emotionally drained, you may be more easily frustrated or quicker to anger at night.
Why shouldn't you go to bed sad?
Some research shows that negative associations can be consolidated during sleep, which can mean going to bed sad may lead to still feeling sad when you wake up the next day.
How often does an average couple fight?
Every couple is different. Some may fight once or twice a month, while others may argue a few times a week. The frequency of how often a couple fights may not be a good measure of their relationship, though. Often, what they argue about and how they argue can be more telling.
How do I let my anger out at night?
If you need help letting your anger out at night, here are a few things you can try:
- Find a healthy distraction. Anger can consume your thoughts, making it difficult to let it go and calm down. Finding a healthy distraction can help you focus on something else. Try exercising, reading, playing a game with a friend, or watching your favorite movie or TV show in the evening to help you feel more relaxed.
- Change your environment. Sometimes, changing your environment and getting away from whatever is frustrating can help you control your anger. Try taking a short walk outside if safety and weather permit, or move to another room in your home where you can have the space to work through your emotions.
- Practice deep breathing and other relaxation techniques. Deep breathing, yoga, meditation, or art therapy can help you relax your body in the present, which may help you reduce your stress and anger.
- Write in a journal. Journaling can be a way to get your emotions out, acting as a release and a way to help you recognize patterns in how you respond to your environment.
- Establish an exercise routine. Physical activity can be an effective stress reducer. While it may not be a good idea to exercise at night, incorporating exercise into your daily routine can help you diffuse stress and anger and may help you feel calmer at the end of the day.
Do angry people sleep less?
There have not been many studies about the association between sleep and anger, but some research indicates that there may be a connection. Sleep deprivation can lead to mood changes, which may increase anger and aggression. Those who get enough sleep at night may have fewer emotional outbursts and less aggressive behavior.
Why do I get so angry when someone disturbs my sleep?
When sleep is interrupted, it can lead to a heightened response in the amygdala, which can result in decreased mood. Being suddenly awakened from a deep sleep can leave you feeling startled and shaken, which can cause you to react strongly toward the person who disturbed you.
Why do men sleep after a fight?
While it may seem like men fall asleep easily after a fight in a long-term relationship or a marriage, there is no scientific research that proves it to be true. If partners resolve the argument before bed, the stress of the argument being lifted can encourage better sleep.
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