Is Someone You Love Chronically Angry? How To Help Someone With Anger Issues

Intense, inappropriate, or poorly controlled anger represents almost 8% of the US population, meaning that 1 in 12 Americans may experience challenge with anger issues. Notably, men and younger adults are especially prone to experiencing said reactivity to anger. Being the friend or family member of someone experiencing chronic anger can produce uncertainty surrounding how to best support them. It is of benefit to consider specific communication strategies, while also encouraging your loved one to seek professional support to manage their anger. Therapy can provide a safe place for individuals to discuss ways to navigate their anger effectively. 

Signs of anger issues

Anger is a common emotion that many of us face from time to time. The differences between occasional anger and anger issues stems in the frequency, duration, and intensity of a person’s anger. Signs of anger issues may include the following: 

• A low tolerance for frustration or issues
• Violent tendencies when faced with challenges or frustration
• Frequently experiencing angry feelings or irritation
• Angry verbal outbursts
• General trouble controlling anger
• Physical symptoms of anger such as a racing heart and rapid breathing.

While chronic anger isn’t a diagnosable condition, certain adverse impacts that you loved one may be facing could correlate with anger issues. 

Communication tips

Being mindful of the ways you communication with someone experiencing anger issues can be useful in reducing the likelihood of conflict, while also diffusing anger when it occurs.

Give space in the moment for anger management techniques

Addressing anger during a time when someone is actively experiencing it may not be the best time to intervene. In these instances, it’s worth considering taking a pause, walking away, or remaining present and not saying anything. This can assist the person experiencing anger to process how they’re feeling, while also considering use of strategies to aid them with de-escalating. 

Don’t accept verbal abuse or aggressive behavior in a conversation

Identifying behaviors that you deem inappropriate can be a useful strategy to assert boundaries. For instance, you may agree that it’s not okay to:

• Participate in yelling or screaming
• Name calling or use of derogatory terms
• Making threatening statements 
• Using sarcasm or passive/aggressiveness 

These expectations can apply to all parties involved in a particular conversation, not just the person who is experiencing challenges with regulating their anger. Although the temptation to react to anger may arise, staying calm produces the likelihood of diffusing conflict, while also working towards a particular resolution. 

Use “I” statements to stress the impact on your feelings

Speaking openly with the use of “I” statements allows someone experiencing anger to better understand how their behavior is impacting you. Furthermore, it provides the potential for the angry person to be receptive to feedback after their behavior. This is due to “I” statements being perceived less as an accusation of the angry person due to these statements generating ownership of the other persons feelings in response to the persons anger.  

Suggest anger management resources

Learning how to manage anger on your own can be difficult. Utilizing anger management resources created by professional organizations can be useful to consider. 

The American Psychological Association recommends certain strategies to mitigate anger reactions.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) offers a free 12-session anger management workbook that can be utilized for self-study.

AIMS is a self-help course designed by the US Department of Veteran Affairs. It’s based in CBT strategies originally intended to assist veterans who experience anger and irritability. It can be used secondarily by others who experience challenges in regulating their anger.  

Searching for mental health professionals that provide guidance on anger management is also encouraged.

Set boundaries

Determining whether or not to maintain relationship with someone dealing with anger issues can be challenging. Due to this, it can be healthy to establish limits and rules surrounding which behaviors you are or aren’t okay with. Personal boundaries are the limits and rules that are set within relationships for ourselves allow us to share more of ourselves when warranted, while also preserving some aspects of ourselves when we feel wronged or invalidated. In certain instances, it can be beneficial to discuss examples of anger reactions that may cause a relationship to require distance. Boundary conversation allows for the potential for your loved one to work towards controlling their anger so that the relationship can be maintained. 

Stress the value of healthy coping strategies to help someone with anger issues

Certain coping strategies can assist your loved one to better manage their anger. Some strategies to consider include: 

• deep breathing exercises
• mindfulness practice or yoga
• physical activity such as taking a walk

Noticing when a loved one experiencing anger issues implements a certain coping strategy allow for the behavior to continue via reinforcement. We can do this by pointing out the specific behavior and thanking them for making that choice. An example of how this looks would be: “I really appreciate you being assertive with me surrounding your anger. When you’re forward with me surrounding your feelings, it helps me to trust you more.” 

When someone displays aggressive behavior or abuse

Typically, those who have anger issues won’t become violent or abusive towards you. In the event you do feel like you’re in a situation where you’re at risk, considering making a safety plan could be useful. A safety plan includes a list of people and organizations to contact if you feel unsafe. 

Aggressive anger doesn’t always take the form of physical violence. In fact, aggressive anger can also be portrayed as emotional abuse. Abusive emotional behaviors can include someone who lies, calls you names, screams at you, or demonstrates gaslighting. Gaslighting is a colloquialism that involves statements and behaviors to cause the other party to question their sanity. If you’re experiencing some of the following behaviors, it is encouraged to consider making a safety plan in order to protect your well-being. 

Encourage them to seek help from a mental health professional

For some people, anger issues are a result of an untreated mental health condition such as anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, or other conditions. A mental health professional, such as a therapist or social worker, is typically equipped to help someone with anger issues learn how to more effectively manage their anger and prevent anger issues from negatively impacting their life and the lives of others. 

Common treatment options for chronic anger may include the following.

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy helps patients learn cognitive restructuring techniques to manage stress and frustration in a more productive way. Some therapists include a technique known as stress inoculation, in which individuals imagine scenarios that would cause them to feel angry, allowing them to monitor how they feel and practice healthy coping strategies. 
• Family therapy can help families improve their communication and conflict resolution skills. 
• Psychodynamic therapy may be used to help patients explore the psychological roots of their anger
• Acceptance and commitment therapy teaches patients to accept their angry thoughts and feelings by growing their psychological flexibility. In some cases, ACT has been shown to be just as or more effective in treating anger than CBT. 
• Dialectical behavioral therapy is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy that teaches mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotional regulation. It has been shown to effectively reduce dysregulated anger and aggressive behavior. 

Chronic anger can also take a toll on a person’s physical health. Your loved one may also benefit from seeing their primary care physician to have their blood pressure checked and screen for other health risks associated with stroke or heart disease. If the anger seems unexplained or uncharacteristic, the doctor might also check for physical conditions that could contribute to those feelings. 

For some, anger issues stem from mental health conditions such as anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, as well as other conditions. Mental health professionals like therapists or social workers are equipped to assist someone with anger issues. These trained professionals can teach individuals how to manage their anger more effective, while also learning ways to prevent anger-related issues from adversely impacting their lives and the lives of others. 

Below are some common treatment options for managing chronic anger: 

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)helps individuals to learn skills like cognitive restructuring to assist with managing stress and overall frustration. For some clinicians, stress inoculation may be utilized in tandem with Cognitive-behavioral therapy. Stress inoculation involves use of guided imagery where the individual visualizes scenarios that would potentially cause them to experience anger. This allows folks to learn how to monitor their emotions, while also practicing effective coping strategies. 
• Family therapy assists individuals and their families to improve their communication, while also learning effective conflict management skills. 
  
• Psychodynamic therapy is a modality that assists individuals to explore some of the roots in association with their anger. 
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy that involves skills in mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, as well as emotion regulation. DBT has been shown in research to effectively reduce dysregulated anger and anger-related behaviors

Chronic anger has the potential to adversely affect one’s physical health. Loved ones experiencing anger-related issues could benefit from visiting with their primary care physicians for routine screening for blood pressure, while also considering additional assessment for other health related risks. Unexplained or uncharacteristic anger can also be screened by a doctor to rule out any potential physical conditions contributing to these feelings. 

How to care for yourself and your feelings when someone you love has anger issues

Coping with someone who is experiencing anger issues can cause strain on one’s physical and mental health. Those affected may feel as if they have to walk on eggshells, often negating some conversation points to reduce escalation with their loved one. If you’re experiencing this discomfort, there are ways you can mitigate this unease. For example, use of assertive communication allows you to let your loved one know their anger is making you uncomfortable in a way that honors both them and you. This also allows you to create and reinforce boundaries should you loved one become hostile. 

Remember you can’t control the way others control anger

Research suggests that some individuals may be more suspectable to anger as compared to others. This indicates that some individuals demonstrate a low tolerance for frustration. This creates the belief that the loved one experiencing anger shouldn’t have to navigate the inconveniences of life. Such traits can be influenced by genetics, physiological characteristics, as well as childhood experiences. 

Some may find that their anger manifests in unique ways. For instance, your loved one may express anger towards you over a small inconvenience or certain disagreement. In reality, this expression may be in response to unresolved stress that you’re loved one has experienced. Being the recipient of volatile anger reaction can be unnerving. Despite the inability to control how someone reacts, remember that you can control how you react to someone treating you poorly via use of assertive communication and boundary setting. 

Practice self-care

Allotting adequate time for self-care allows for opportunities to prioritize your own health, further enhancing your resiliency and ability to care for a loved one experiencing anger issues. Examples of remaining physically healthy include eating a nutrient-dense diet, exercising regularly, while also receiving adequate amounts of sleep. Maintaining other relationships with those that express their emotions effectively can allow for a buffer of support in navigating the strains associated with dealing with an angry person. 

Is someone else’s anger negatively impacting your life?

Connect with a licensed therapist

Talk to a mental health professional

Supporting a loved one with anger-related issues can be cumbersome, contributing to a wide array of feelings associated with anxiety and worry. Prolonged periods of stress could contribute to the development of certain mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression. Seeking out therapeutic support can provide outlets to cope with the stress associated with caring for a loved one with anger issues, while also providing adequate support for learning assertiveness and boundary skills. Online platforms like BetterHelp allow you to attend therapy at your pace and convenience. 

A clinically significant literature review involving 300 studies demonstrates favorable trends in participating in online cognitive behavioral study (OCBT). OCBT assists individuals to learn effective ways to manage stress, while also improving their overall life satisfaction. This modality is typically more cost-effective than traditional face-to-face therapy. 

Takeaway

Navigating relationship with someone experiencing anger-related issues produces a toll on one’s physical and mental health. Seeking out and suggesting anger management resources can assist your loved ones to develop more conducive strategies to express and regulate their anger in healthy ways. It’s important to note that a loved one’s experience of anger is not your fault. If you’re experiencing concerns about your safety either physically or emotionally, The National Domestic Violence hotline is an invaluable resource that provides you with immediate support and assistance. You can reach them at 800-799-7233. If you can ensure your safety but are still affected by a loved one’s anger, choosing to seek professional help via therapy can provide a safe, supportive outlet to consider boundaries, while also developing coping strategies.