Letting Go Of Anger: When To Get Help

Everyone can experience anger differently. Some people may rarely get angry and let it go quickly when they do, while others may have quick tempers or have a hard time getting over things that make them upset. 

Holding on to anger can have many adverse effects on your physical and mental health, professional life, and relationships, but letting go of anger can be challenging on your own. Keep reading to learn more about anger, where it comes from, how to let it go, and when to get help.

It can be hard to manage anger

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Stress, mental health, and feelings of anger

Anger is a complex emotion with many contributing factors, which may be part of why it can be so challenging to let go of. Below are some factors that can contribute to feelings of anger.

Stress

Everyone experiences stress, but each person responds to it differently, even when presented with the same stressor. Many things can influence how we react to stress, including genetics, environment, and past experiences. When stress becomes difficult to manage or lasts too long, it can lead to anger problems.

Past trauma

High levels of anger may be related to our natural survival instincts. After a traumatic experience, people may respond with anger as a way to shift their focus toward surviving. For example, people with PTSD may react with anger because they experience high levels of arousal symptoms, such as muscle tension or irritability, as well as self-blame and a greater need to control their surroundings.

Mental health conditions

Anger can be associated with a number of mental health conditions. Some of these may include anxiety, depression, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), borderline personality disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, bipolar disorder, conduct disorder, and oppositional defiant disorder.

Displaced anger

Displacement is a defense mechanism in which we transfer feelings like anger from their cause to another person or thing. For example, we may be angry at our bosses but take it out on a coworker who is less threatening or more convenient.

Displacing anger is believed to be an unconscious defense mechanism, so we may not even know when we are doing it. When we don’t know where our anger is really coming from, it can be difficult to process it and let it go.

Resentment: Another side of anger

Resentment is a complex emotion that generally occurs as a reaction to being mistreated, either by another person, group of people, or a series of events. It can feel like a mix of anger, disgust, bitterness, and disappointment. As with anger, if resentment is left unchecked, it can become increasingly difficult to move on from. Resentment can lead to a number of emotions, including anger, hate, and hostility.

Link between feelings of anger and resentment

When you experience both resentment and anger, it can be more challenging to let go. You may focus your anger and bitterness on the person or situation that caused these negative feelings and feel that you want to get revenge. In time, anger and resentment can take a toll on your mental and physical health.

Obstacles to letting go of anger

Part of what makes anger challenging to let go of may be the underlying cause. For example, people who are experiencing anger because of trauma or past experiences may have learned to associate that anger with certain feelings or experiences that cause a fight-or-flight reaction when they perceive a threat. Changing how the brain is wired to react to these experiences can be challenging. 

The way the body responds to anger can also be a factor. Anger can activate the body’s fight-or-flight response, causing increased blood pressure, heart rate, respiration rate, and alertness. Once these physical responses are set in motion, they may be difficult to control.

People who have high trait anger may also have a more difficult time moving on. Trait anger is an aspect of someone’s personality that relates to the intensity, frequency, and duration with which they experience anger. People with high trait anger may be quicker to anger and less capable of controlling their hostility, which can make it difficult to let go.

Anger management

If you are having trouble letting go of your anger, here are some anger management tips that may help.

• Take a time-out. If you feel yourself getting angry, consider taking a few seconds to collect your thoughts before speaking. Changing your surroundings may also help. For example, if you’re at work and feel yourself getting angry at a co-worker, you might excuse yourself and go outside to get some distance and try to calm down. 
• Talk about your concerns. After you have calmed down, it may help to express your frustration clearly, directly, and non-confrontationally. You might try using “I” statements to explain how you feel instead of placing blame on others.
• Start a regular exercise routine. Physical activity may help you reduce stress, which can, in turn, help you manage your anger. Exercise may reduce anger in the moment, too. For example, if you’re having an argument with your partner and feel your anger escalating, you might take some time to go for a job or run around the block to help lessen your tension. 
• Focus on solutions. Instead of dwelling on the things that make you angry, you might try to identify possible solutions. These solutions don’t have to completely fix the problem, but they might help you reduce your anger. 
• Use relaxation skills. When you feel your anger starting to grow, consider using relaxation techniques to keep yourself calm. Deep breathing exercises, journaling, yoga, and meditation may all help.

When to get help for anger and resentment

While some of the strategies above may help with anger, sometimes it may be necessary to seek the help of a mental health professional. The following are some signs that you may need to seek professional help for your anger:

• You feel like your anger is out of control. 
• You are resorting to violence or self-harm.
• Your anger is beginning to affect your self-esteem. 
• You are worried that you may become abusive. 
• The people in your life are afraid of you. 
• You are having physical or mental health problems as a result of your anger. 
• Your anger is blocking your ability to feel other emotions. 
• Your anger is putting your career at risk.
• You are unable to forgive people who did you wrong.
• You have been banned from stores, restaurants, or other public places because of anger outbursts.

Get help from a mental health professional

If your anger is affecting your daily life or a significant relationship, or if you’re concerned for your own safety or the safety of others, you may benefit from seeking professional help. A mental health professional may be able to help you understand where your anger is coming from and how you can learn to manage it. 

Is anger management the same as therapy?

Anger management is a type of therapy that may help you identify your triggers, change thought patterns, and learn coping skills to manage your anger.

In addition to helping you learn how to let go of anger, a professional therapist may address other challenges that could be contributing to your intense emotions. If you are experiencing trauma, stress, or another mental health condition, a therapist may help you manage the symptoms of these conditions as well as help you understand how they may be contributing to your anger.

It can be hard to manage anger

Get help with an online therapist

Letting go of anger in online therapy

If you’re interested in working with a therapist but are hesitant to meet with someone in person or are having a difficult time finding an available appointment, consider online treatment. With an online therapy platform, you can work with a licensed clinical psychologist, counselor, social worker, or other professional from the comfort of your home or anywhere you have a reliable internet connection. Most people are matched with an available therapist in as little as 48 hours, and you can change providers at any time, for no fee, until you find one that you feel comfortable working with. 

In addition to being convenient and flexible, research has found that online therapy is effective. A study from 2017 found online therapy to be effective for numerous mental disorders, including some that can cause anger, such as depression, substance use disorder, and bipolar disorder. 

Takeaway

Many factors can contribute to anger, including trauma, stress, and underlying mental health conditions. It’s a complex emotion that can be challenging to control or let go of. If anger is interfering with your daily life, impacting your relationships, or affecting your physical or mental well-being, working with a therapist may help you learn healthy ways to cope. Take the first step toward letting go of anger and reach out to BetterHelp today.