The Anger Iceberg: What Your Anger Is Really Telling You

Consider the last time you got angry. What did you feel? Were you only aware of your anger, or did you notice other emotions alongside it? 

You may be surprised to learn that anger is often a symptom of other difficult emotions, such as disgust, shame, or fear. These emotions (sometimes called “primary emotions”) can hide beneath the surface of anger, a bit like how most of an iceberg is hidden underwater. Understanding the ways other emotions can lead to anger may help you build emotional intelligence, gain control of your reactions, and manage conflicts in a healthier way. 

Primary emotions vs. underlying emotions 

Let’s start by reviewing the two main types of emotions: primary and secondary. While different experts may not categorize all emotions the same way, understanding the difference between these types may make it easier to understand the emotional iceberg. 

What is a primary emotion?

Primary emotions, sometimes also called “core emotions,” are universal emotions that anyone can feel, no matter where they’re from or what they’ve experienced. These emotions tend to happen immediately and instinctively as a response to outside situations. Some common examples of primary emotions include:

• Fear
• Joy
• Sadness
• Surprise
• Disgust
• Shame
• Shyness

What is a secondary emotion?

In contrast to primary emotions, secondary emotions are not universal. These emotions can depend on people’s environment, experiences, and culture, and they often originate from primary emotions. For example, if someone experiences the primary emotion of joy combined with a positive reaction from others, they might feel the secondary emotion of pride. Some other examples of secondary emotions may include:

• Guilt
• Anxiety
• Hope
• Annoyance
• Hopelessness
• Jealousy
• Frustration
• Confusion
• Resentment

Are feelings of anger primary emotions?

According to the American Psychological Association (APA) points out, not all experts agree on which emotions are primary and which are secondary. It may be helpful to view anger as a secondary emotion because it is often a response to a different, more deep-seated emotion. In these situations, anger may serve as a defense mechanism, protecting you from threats and motivating you to act. For example, when someone violates your boundaries, you might feel a core emotion like shame or disgust, which can cause you to become angry. Similarly, some people might lash out in anger when they’re afraid or surprised. 

What is the “anger iceberg?”

As mentioned above, anger may not always provide a clear picture of the emotions you’re actually feeling. You might feel angry in response to other emotions, such as sadness, shame, or fear. For this reason, mental health and relationship professionals may use the image of an iceberg to illustrate how anger can mask other hidden emotions. 

When you look at the part of an iceberg that’s above the water, you might think you’re seeing most of it. However, research shows that approximately 90% of an iceberg is beneath the surface and not easily visible. The anger iceberg represents the theory that beneath everyone’s anger lies hidden emotion.

The consequences of emotion: Negative effects of uncontrolled anger

Exploring the emotions beneath your anger iceberg may help you learn to better manage feelings of anger. To understand why this can be important, let’s take a look at some of the ways anger can negatively affect health and relationships. 

Anger and physical health

Anger, like other feelings, can have a range of short- and long-term effects on the body. Some examples include:

• High blood pressure
• Eczema and other skin issues
• Trouble sleeping
• Headache
• Heart attack
• Stroke
• Pain
• Digestive issues

Anger and mental health

Uncontrolled anger has also been associated with mental illnesses like depression and anxiety. Beyond these, unmanaged anger may contribute to mental health challenges like:

• Other negative emotions
• Low self-esteem
• High levels of stress
• Challenges with substance use

Anger and relationships

Finally, anger may also have negative effects on relationships. While it can be natural for loved ones to occasionally get angry at each other, uncontrolled anger can jeopardize couples’ safety and well-being, with consequences like:

• Explosive outbursts
• Unresolved arguments
• Isolation from family and friends
• Physical violence

How to use the anger iceberg for anger management

Given these possible side effects, learning to control your anger may be a worthwhile investment in your mental, physical, and emotional health. Using the anger iceberg may help you gain insight into your anger, identify what’s behind it, and find constructive ways to resolve conflicts. Below are some potentially helpful tips for doing this. 

Learning to identify anger: The first step in anger management

Sometimes, anger can seem like it strikes without warning, but there are often signs in the body and mind as anger builds. Becoming aware of these warning signs may help you recognize anger and gain control before it becomes unmanageable. Symptoms of anger may include:

• Racing thoughts
• Muscle tension
• Sweating
• Headaches
• Irritability, impatience, or restlessness
• Butterflies in your stomach
• A raised voice
• Trouble controlling your impulses
• An overwhelming need to be right or “win”

Self-reflection: What are the emotions beneath the anger iceberg?

Once you’ve recognized that you’re feeling angry, getting some space to reflect may be helpful. You might consider going for a brief walk, taking a break from the interaction, or changing your environment. Next, you might think about which primary emotions might be causing your feelings of anger. You can try asking yourself questions like the following:

• If I were to ignore my anger for a moment, what emotions would I be feeling right now?
• What physical sensations do I feel in my body? Do I notice any tightness, a racing heartbeat, sweaty palms, or burning eyes?
• What happened right before I got angry? How is it affecting me? Do I feel sad, ashamed, afraid, or surprised?
• Is the anger I’m feeling really my own, or am I picking up on someone else’s anger?
• Does this event or situation remind me of other events from my past?
• What am I telling myself about this event or situation? 

Communicating your underlying emotions

Once you’ve identified what you’re feeling beneath your anger, you might consider looking for constructive ways to communicate those feelings to the other person. By using “I” statements without making accusations, you may be able to find more constructive solutions to the conflict. Some examples include:

• “I feel ashamed and shy when you criticize me in front of our friends. If you have negative feedback for me, I would appreciate it if you could share it with me.”
• “I felt scared when you didn’t text back to let me know you were okay. In the future, I’d appreciate your checking in so I don’t worry.”
• “I feel sad when we can’t spend quality time together. Is there any way we can connect more often?”
• “When you asked me to do this project, I felt surprised and caught off-guard. Next time, can you give me more notice?”

Getting help with anger

Building awareness of your own emotional iceberg may be the first step toward managing your anger and addressing challenges in a healthy way. However, this process may not always be enough on its own. 

If anger is causing you problems in your daily life, a therapist may be able to help you learn healthy communication skills, identify your anger triggers, and develop personalized strategies for controlling your emotions. If you’re experiencing anger due to another mental illness, therapy may also help you manage your symptoms and improve your well-being. 

Anger doesn’t have to control you

Learn anger management from a professional

Talking to a therapist about anger can be highly personal, and finding a counselor you feel comfortable with can sometimes take a few tries. With online therapy, you can be matched with a therapist based on your unique needs and preferences. Platforms like BetterHelp also let you change therapists at any time, for any reason, which may make it easier to find the right therapist for you. You can discuss challenges related to anger with your therapist via phone, video, or live chat at a time that works for you. 

Studies show that online therapy may be an effective way to develop anger management skills. In a study from 2023, 234 people experiencing challenges with anger received therapist-supported online treatments. They experienced improvements in their levels of problematic anger and aggression.