Tools For How To Control Anger In A Relationship

Anger can be a healthy emotion, but it has the potential to cause damage when it is uncontrolled, so strategies for managing anger in a relationship can be helpful. Anger can be defined as “an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.” While humans may instinctually respond to perceived threats, unchecked anger can prompt aggressive and inappropriate responses that can be detrimental. Learn more about strategies to manage anger, including treatment options like therapy, below. 

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Why learning to control anger can be important 

Anger can be seen as a natural human emotion and experience, and there may be valid reasons to feel angry in certain situations. Anger can also be a helpful emotion when it leads us to take steps to address a toxic situation, such as an unhealthy relationship. However, when someone finds it difficult to manage anger effectively, this powerful emotion can become harmful.

Reasons to control anger 

Among the reasons to learn to manage anger are the following:

• Anger can negatively affect relationships.
• Anger can impact mental and physical health.
• Anger can impair judgment and decision-making skills.

The nature of anger 

Anger generally serves as part of the body's natural "fight-or-flight" response to threats, prompting physiological changes in the body. For example, when we experience anger, stress hormones are typically released to keep the body alert and ready to respond to potential threats. Anger tends to emerge when we sense we have been threatened in some way. 

Tips for thinking about anger and other challenging emotions

While uncontrolled anger can be detrimental, anger tends to be part of the human experience. Learning to channel anger and diffuse tension when it threatens to override our best interests may be a healthy goal. 

Anger can also take many forms. For example, some people may dwell on an incident, hold it in their minds for some time, and then lash out in response to a minor disagreement. Others may be more reactive and quicker to anger in general. Learning to express anger in a healthy way can benefit the relationship and address underlying concerns.

Anger management tools

Anger management can be defined as "the ability to control feelings of anger so that you do not shout, act violently, etc." Anger management can also refer to a psychotherapeutic program for learning to prevent less constructive expressions of emotion. While the tips below may apply to various situations, they can also be useful when addressing anger in relationships.

Anger management tips

Some helpful strategies for managing anger include the following:

• Check your anger level before it escalates. For example, if you sense that you're very upset, it might be helpful to step away from the situation by taking a walk. 
• Try relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing exercises, to regain control of your emotions and ease some of the physiological changes that may be taking place in your body.
• Avoid dwelling on a situation, especially if you have already discussed the incident or issue that upset you.
• Avoid words like "always" and "never" when you're talking to your partner. Instead, you might try explaining how a certain issue or incident made you feel. 
• Aim to get a more balanced perspective by appealing to your logic. One way to do this may be to remind yourself that while something is upsetting, it doesn't necessarily mean that the person doesn't care about you.
• Turn demands into requests by asking for what you want rather than expecting it or giving an ultimatum.
• Take a few moments to think before responding to what the other person has said. Sometimes, it may be helpful to pause, go into another environment, and resume the conversation when you feel calmer. 
• Exercise and stay active to vent pent-up energy.
• Avoid bringing up topics when you're tired or otherwise stressed.

How to control your anger in a relationship

Occasionally experiencing anger in relationships may be unavoidable, but there tend to be helpful and less helpful ways of managing anger. Suppressing angry feelings or expressing anger in a volatile, unchecked way may be seen as less helpful and even damaging to the trust between two people. 

However, learning to express anger in constructive ways may foster closeness and contribute to greater relationship satisfaction. For example, one study suggests that having a higher level of mindfulness may promote the quality of romantic relationships via partners' increased ability to control anger. 

Tips to control your anger in a relationship

Some ways to control anger before, during, and after an argument arises include those listed below:

• Set a time to talk when you're both less likely to react negatively, such as when you’re both well-rested and don’t have any other obligations.
• Try to identify the cause of your anger. For example, it may be that you were worried because your partner did not call when they said they were going to do so. 
• Express your thoughts in a clear, direct way by identifying the situation that led to hurt feelings, expressing how you felt, and making a request that your partner consider this in the future.
• Avoid jumping to conclusions and listen to what your partner has to say.
• Allow your partner time to process what you have said so that they can formulate a response.
• Remain calm and avoid reacting in a defensive way.
• Take steps to address stress, such as practicing self-care, relaxing, and spending more time in nature.

Anger's effects on health

Anger can provoke physiological and biological changes in the body. Research indicates that both suppression of anger and frequent or extreme expression of anger tend to be associated with worsening health problems. 

Health concerns related to anger

Unchecked anger can affect physical health in many ways:

• Worsened asthma symptoms
• Worsened cardiovascular conditions, such as high blood pressure, irregular heart rhythms, and increased inflammation
• Increased chance of developing coronary heart disease
• Increased likelihood of developing stress-related conditions, such as digestive issues and sleep disturbances

The effects of anger on mental health

Anger can have significant effects on mental health and well-being. Unchecked anger issues can also raise one's stress levels, which may negatively impact both mental and physical health. Moreover, poorly resolved anger may manifest in unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance use, which can worsen existing mental health conditions. 

In some cases, anger can also be a symptom of an unaddressed mental health condition, such as depression, intermittent explosive disorder (IED), or bipolar disorder.

Self-help tips for fostering mental health and well-being

Some self-care tips that can promote mental health and allow you to healthily address challenging emotions include those listed below:

• Prioritizing sleep
• Practicing gratitude for the positive aspects of your life 
• Eating nutritious meals
• Doing a relaxing activity, such as yoga
• Including mindfulness in your daily routine
• Exercising regularly
• Spending time in nature
• Connecting with supportive friends and family members 

Learn to effectively manage your emotions

Work with a licensed therapist online

Therapy for anger management 

Many people struggle to manage their anger, but therapy can help. However, if in-person therapy presents a challenge, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp is an option, as it enables you to attend sessions with a licensed therapist from any location with an internet connection. 

Research suggests that online therapy can effectively address maladaptive anger. In a 2023 study, participants generally experienced decreased aggression, anger expression, and anger rumination after four weeks of virtual treatment.

Takeaway

Uncontrolled anger may result in aggressive and inappropriate behavior that can be damaging to a person’s relationships. It can be helpful to learn how to manage anger and express it in a way that fosters understanding and promotes change. If you believe you might benefit from support in navigating challenging emotions like anger, consider reaching out to a therapist online or in person.