How To Manage And Express Anger As A Parent
Parenting stress may come from various sources, including concern for your child or a reaction to the behavior displayed by the child. When you’re angry, it may be challenging to respond in a calm, constructive way. It can be normal to feel frustrated or angry as a parent, but there are coping mechanisms and healthy ways to address anger management challenges while tending to your mental health and that of your child.
Trying to understand where your anger stems from and seeking healthy coping strategies are often key to managing anger. Doing so may help you make logical decisions rather than emotional ones. While trying to separate emotions and actions can feel challenging, it might allow you to approach your child’s behavior with empathy instead of reactivity.
Have a plan for stressful moments
It may be beneficial to set limits on how you choose to interact with your child when they lash out at you. Gaining control of your reactions (or having a plan for moments where you anticipate losing control) may help you discipline your child without physically or mentally harming them. Feeling angry is a normal emotion. Allowing for the fact that parenting styles differ, there are constructive and destructive ways of addressing a situation in which parental anger gets triggered.
The American Psychological Association recommends various strategies to manage anger, including improving communication skills to navigate conflict and methods to relax your body and mind when you’re feeling angry.
Research shows that physical punishments are ineffective and typically do not accurately convey the boundaries that have been crossed. Adverse childhood experiences, such as physical violence, are linked with serious negative effects. Additionally, Physical discipline may lead to emotional and mental trauma for children, as well as increased aggression, violent behavior, and decreased academic achievement. Both physical and verbal abuse negatively affect a child's life, establishing a foundation for negative relationships and mental health issues in the future.
It can be normal for a parent to reach their limit or feel overwhelmed, as anger is a normal emotion. Try to have empathy and forgiveness for yourself.
If you have lashed out in a way that you are uncomfortable with, taking a moment to address this reaction with your child can benefit your mental and emotional well-being. Learning how to apologize to your kid and take accountability for your actions may allow you to move forward in healthier ways.
Use a calm tone
The way that you speak to your child can have an impact. Parents often serve as examples for their children, including the language, tone, and volume they use. Think about the words you’re using and how you’re saying those words. Studies show that yelling at your child can have detrimental impacts. Findings indicate that the effects of verbal abuse may carry into the child's future, leading to several mental health issues, such as internalized abuse, a form of abuse turned on themselves.
Disciplining your child may mean teaching them right from wrong.
Instead of allowing their negative actions to influence you, calmly tell your child what they did wrong. Conveying that you’re disappointed in their behavior and discussing their actions with them could be more beneficial than raising your voice.
For example, adults do not often solve problems by shouting at others and making inflammatory statements to other adults. Similarly, with children, talking through challenges and taking accountability may help create solutions. While experiencing a teachable moment, approaching it from an understanding angle can make a lasting difference.
Consider your child’s side of the story
It may help parents to keep in mind that any behavior from a child may represent communication. If you frequently become angry in response to your child’s behavior, it may be worthwhile to consider their perspective.
How to find an anger management therapist
Many parents are busy with parenting, work, and other life commitments. It may make it difficult to find time for an in-person therapy session or a frequent commitment from nine to five. You might try online anger management therapy if you want to attend therapy on your own schedule and from anywhere with an internet connection.
A recent study found that online mindfulness-based interventions demonstrated significant potential to improve participants’ mental health outcomes, particularly when stress was involved. The services offered by platforms like BetterHelp may help offer perspective on a multitude of parent/child relationships.
Therapy may help you find ways to grow as a parent. It’s possible to contain anger issues and focus on improving communication in your relationships with your children. A therapist might help you respond from a place of composure and rational thought, which could help you parent more effectively.
Takeaway
When managing angry reactions to your children’s behavior, try not to take things personally and view moments of frustration as teachable moments. Creating a gap between an irritating behavior and an automatic reaction may provide the space to breathe, consider the communication behind the behavior, and respond with empathy.
If you’re struggling to control your behaviors, consider reaching out to a counselor to learn research-backed techniques for healthy parenting.
How parents can manage their anger?
Managing angry feelings as a parent can be especially challenging. In many cases, one of the best ways to avoid the consequences of anger is by removing yourself from the situation that angers you. However, that technique is frequently unavailable to parents; taking time away from a child to calm down is not always possible.
Although it may be challenging, it is possible to employ effective strategies as soon as anger hits. Several techniques are scientifically supported to help you remain calm in the moment:
Deep Breathing. Although it may seem cliche, there is a reason that slow, deep breaths are one of the most recommended techniques for reducing anger quickly. Anger is typically a response to an internal or external threat, whether real or not. Deep breaths signal the brain that a threat is not present and initiates a calming process that lowers blood pressure, heart rate, and anger’s mental load.
To breathe deeply, follow these steps:
- Inhale slowly for four to six seconds.
- Hold your breath for a second or two.
- Exhale slowly, again taking four to six seconds.
- Monitor Your Emotions. Anger can become overwhelming quickly. One of the best ways to keep anger from getting out of control is to keep an eye on your pre-anger emotions. The best time to apply relaxation strategies or remove yourself from a situation (if possible) is before your anger appears. Checking yourself when your anger is still low is often much more effective than trying to calm yourself after.
- Increase Your Communication. Communicating effectively and completely before you are angry can help avoid sudden bursts of anger. Communication lets you know others' perspectives, adding context to a situation that may be helpful when trying to avoid anger. Communication also lets other people - children and adults - know you are reaching your limit and need time and space to calm down.
Why is it important to control your temper as a parent?
Parents serve as guides and models of behavior for their children. A parent’s instructions to their children certainly have an impact, but the behavior a parent demonstrates is arguably more important. Parents who control anger before it controls them are more likely to introduce positive, effective ways of helping their children manage their behavior. Conversely, frequently expressing anger around children is linked to behavior problems and emotional control problems as children age.
Frequent parental anger is also associated with communication difficulties in children. In addition, failing to control anger may lower your child’s self-esteem and introduce self-deprecating thoughts and behaviors, known as internalized abuse. Although many people believe that anger is acceptable so long as it does not become physical, evidence suggests verbal anger can have significant and severe effects on a child’s mental health, developmental function, and overall well-being. If you’re worried about your anger as a parent, it may be helpful to get mental health resources to help you address the underlying cause.
How would you deal with a parent who is angry and upset?
A parent who is angry and upset poses a significant risk to their child. Repeated, uncontrolled anger can cause serious problems in a child’s development and well-being. If you know a parent well and notice that they are upset, it may be helpful to allow them to remove themselves and calm down. You could offer to take something off the parent’s plate or find some way to help reduce their stress immediately.
If you do not know an angry parent well, prioritize your safety first. Do not approach someone who is visibly angry, and do not attempt to offer assistance. If you feel that the safety of children or bystanders is at risk, contact the police immediately.
How does a parent with anger issues affect a child?
A parent - or another family - who struggles to control their anger poses a serious risk to the children. Sustained, repetitive anger can significantly impact a child’s self-image. Treating someone with anger conveys contempt, disrespect, and dislike. Children usually identify with their parents and rely on their parents to help safeguard them from others’ unpleasant behavior.
When a parent treats a child poorly, they violate their duty to shield them from harm. This may lead the child to internalize negative feelings about themselves. They may think they are not worthy of kindness and may see themselves in a negative light. A parent always needs to safeguard their child’s well-being, and it is the duty of a parent to teach children how to control a difficult emotion appropriately.
Children raised around angry parents are also significantly more likely to develop behavior problems or mental health problems and may struggle more in personal relationships. Children pay close attention to the behavior modeled by their parents. If parents are frequently angry and display that behavior to children, it teaches them that angry behavior is acceptable. If you regularly express your anger to your children inappropriately, you may inadvertently be teaching them to be angrier later in life.
How can I parent without losing my temper?
One of the best ways to parent without losing your temper is to maintain emotional awareness. Maintaining emotional awareness means staying aware of your current emotions, recognizing anger’s physical warning signs, and taking time to identify triggers. Anger triggers are things that drive you to anger very quickly; it is important to know what those situations are so that you can avoid or prevent them.
You may become especially irate when a child does not comply with a request, argue, or behave disrespectfully. Knowing what provokes your anger lets you anticipate when your anger will rise quickly. You may not always be able to avoid anger-inducing situations, especially with children, but staying aware of your triggers will likely give you an opportunity to know your anger will rise.
It is usually significantly easier to prevent anger from developing than it is to stop it in its tracks. If you know when your anger is likely to become severe, you may have an opportunity to calm yourself before it happens. Strategies like relaxation techniques are also much more effective when they are used while anger is growing rather than when it is in full swing. If you’re frequently concerned you may lose your temper, you may want to seek professional help to address the problem before it gets out of hand.
Why should parents not use punishment when they are angry?
Parents should avoid punishing their children when they feel angry because punishments dealt out in anger may be severe, may not effectively redirect behavior, or may harm the child, especially if the punishment is physical. Evidence suggests that physical punishments, such as spanking, are more likely to be used when a parent is angry or severely upset. The evidence further indicates that physical punishments are ineffective when redirecting behavior and can have significant negative impacts on a child’s mental and physical well-being.
Why is it important for parents to discipline their children with love rather than anger?
Evidence indicates that positive behavior interventions that communicate love, kindness, and respect are far more effective at initiating long-term behavior change than punishments based on anger or fear. Children’s misbehavior is very rarely malicious, and most children do not intuitively understand the impact of their actions. They may understand that they have broken a rule or behaved inappropriately, but angry redirection or discipline does not give the child the deeper context to understand the implications of their behavior.
How do you parent a child with a bad temper?
Parenting a child with a bad temper comes with unique challenges. Parents must not only model good behavior and control their own tempers, but they must also maintain their composure when their child may be treating them disrespectfully or ignoring their instructions. Below are a few tips that parents can follow when parenting a child with a bad temper:
- Stay Calm. First and foremost, parents must remember that they have significantly more self-control than their children. It is up to them to maintain their composure when a child misbehaves. Attempting to change a child’s behavior when a parent is angry is likely to be less effective than if the parent were calm.
- Maintain Boundaries. It may be tempting for a parent to give in to a child’s behavior, giving them what they want to get them to behave properly. However, rewarding bad behavior exchanges short-term peace for long-term problems by reinforcing that the child can use poor behavior to get their way.
- Reward Appropriate Behavior. Often, parents focus solely on a child’s misbehavior. They may see appropriate behavior as a “normal expectation” that does not need to be rewarded. However, punishing bad behavior is far less effective than rewarding good behavior. If a child is complying with requests, following rules, and behaving acceptably, parents should praise them and demonstrate appreciation for their accomplishment.
How should parents discipline their child?
There are no firm rules regarding how parents should discipline their children. It is an individual decision based on a child’s needs and their caregiver’s parenting style. However, there is one rule for parenting that experts believe should never be violated: avoiding physical punishment. Evidence suggests that intentionally harming a child to change their behavior is ineffective and can have lasting consequences that may impair their behavioral and emotional control for the rest of their lives.
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