Dating And Mental Health: Loving Someone With Anxiety Disorder

While some anxiety is common for most people, anxiety disorders can make it difficult to function and live a normal life. Anxiety can create more stress in intimate relationships, too. When dating someone with anxiety, you may have experienced those difficulties firsthand, but there are many things you can do to help your partner. First, it can be important to note that this might involve working with a mental health professional. Many people successfully manage their anxiety with professional help, so a therapist may be able to help you navigate this process, too. Additionally, showing that you're supportive of your partner will likely help them immensely on their journey to improved mental health.

Understanding anxiety disorders

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, various types of anxiety disorders may affect 40 million adults in the United States alone, likely making it the country's most common mental illness. 

If you've never experienced severe anxiety, it can be difficult to imagine what it's like living with it. There are common symptoms (like shortness of breath and a sense of dread) and several types (e.g., social anxiety), yet how they manifest is often different from person to person. Anxiety is also a common comorbid disorder with other mental health conditions such as bipolar disorder or depression, each of which presents its own unique challenges. Some of these symptoms may not be pleasant to be around, but please know that the behaviors that accompany anxiety typically say little about the person on the receiving end and are more a reflection of the anxious person's fears and worries.

In short, having an anxiety disorder can be mentally, physically, and emotionally draining. With this in mind, how can we begin to effectively show love to someone who is experiencing something as challenging as living with anxiety?

Tips for loving someone with anxiety disorder

Below, find several tips to help you support someone with anxiety disorder.

Loving someone with anxiety means educating yourself

In general, anxiety is a real mental illness that deserves attention and acknowledgment. You might read up on anxiety and ask your partner what anxiety means for them and what they wish people knew about it. It may show them that you care, simply because you asked. Other helpful questions might include, "What triggers your anxiety?" and "How do you manage panic attacks?" This can help you understand what their anxiety is like when it gets particularly bad for them and what you can do to help.

Avoid criticizing your partner’s anxiety disorder  

To avoid merging your partner with their illness, it can be important to remember that anxiety is not typically a weakness or a chosen way of being. People with anxiety usually wish to be seen as more than their illness. They're likely aware of the impact they have on others, and that can be difficult in itself. Saying things like, "Chill out," or "You're overreacting," may only increase their pain and make them feel more isolated.

Validate their anxiety disorder symptoms and anxious feelings

When possible, it often helps to be completely present for their anxious thoughts and feelings, acknowledging that their feelings which result from their thoughts are real and they matter. You might talk about what they're going through with an open mind and let them know that you don’t have any expectations for them to “fix” anything. At the end of the talk, it’s usually helpful to let them know they're accepted and loved as they are with a hug or a simple "I love you, and I'm here for you."

Keep in mind that anxiety disorders are not about you

In moments of frustration, it can be easy to make "you" statements, such as "You are irrational," or "You are always disappointing me." This can fuel an argument, stir up unhealthy defense mechanisms, and make the problem about the person instead of the mental illness. In reality, your partner’s behavior may rarely be personal. It’s often beneficial to take a step back so you can be calm and compassionate. Responses like, "What you're going through sounds hard. Do you want to talk about it?" or "Is there something I can do to reassure you?" tend to be much more helpful, potentially allowing you to refocus the conversation on the problem and not the person. In other words, while meeting your partner where they are tends to be very helpful, doing so without being reactive by taking it personally will be more helpful.

Celebrate the small victories, like attending a social event or overcoming a panic attack

For a person living with an anxiety disorder, completing small tasks sometimes seems like conquering a mountain. Don't forget to celebrate their milestones, no matter how little, such as having the courage to answer the phone or attend a social event with you. By celebrating what they can do, you may divert attention away from what they can't do and potentially motivate them to continue taking consistent steps forward in their recovery.

Invite them to do activities that will improve their mental health

If you have a self-care ritual that you like to do, or if you're thinking of starting one, you might ask them to join you. Options could include yoga, breathing exercises, or taking long walks in the mornings and evenings. Not only may this solidify your relationship and create deeper intimacy, but it can also help ease and reduce their anxiety.

If you know someone with anxiety, it’s often helpful to ask them, "What can I do to help you feel loved right now?" When they're having an anxiety attack, instead of repeatedly asking, "Are you okay?" when they're clearly not, you can say helpful things like, "Focus on your breathing," or "You've been through this before, and you can do it again". Try to remember to ask yourself if what you are saying or doing is ultimately helpful, kind, and necessary.

Mental health support for symptoms of anxiety disorders

When you love, know, or are dating someone with anxiety, being that person by their side who is willing to help can be comforting, life-affirming, and encouraging for the person. 

Anxiety is highly treatable, especially when people who are going through it reach out for professional help. You might gently encourage your partner to seek help from a third person who can support and guide them. As valuable as your help may be, you shouldn't have to be their therapist or their entire support system. 

The symptoms of anxiety may make it difficult to seek help, however. Factors like scheduling, convenience, and financial concerns can be deterrents. Some people experiencing anxiety may feel anxious or uncomfortable waiting in an office around other people or seeing a therapist in person.

Online therapy for anxiety

Many of these barriers can be overcome by speaking to mental health professionals online. With online therapy, you generally don’t have to encounter the potential added stress of driving to an office, dealing with traffic, or facing scheduling restrictions. 

Studies show that online therapy platforms can be useful in helping those who experience anxiety manage their symptoms. A study published in the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry concluded that therapist-guided online therapy can be an effective method of treating anxiety. Researchers specifically utilized cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), finding that it could significantly decrease participants’ feelings of worry related to generalized anxiety disorder. 

The licensed professionals at BetterHelp or Regain (for couples therapy) likely know how to help you and your partner navigate difficult challenges related to anxiety so that you can both live with less stress. An online therapist may offer valuable coping skills for managing the emotional and physical symptoms of anxiety.