Making Attachment Style Changes: Working Toward Security One Day At A Time

How you are raised can significantly impact how you interact with those around you, even in adulthood. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1950s, is a theory that attempts to explain how children attach to their parents and how adults attach to their romantic partners. Attachment theory proposes four attachment styles, with three insecure styles and one secure. Some may wonder whether developing a secure attachment style is possible if you have one of the three insecure types. Looking at current attachment research may help you understand this question better. 

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What is an attachment style? Anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure attachment styles 

According to attachment theory, an attachment style is the way you relate to your parents or primary caregivers in infancy and early childhood and how safe you feel based on how your needs are met or unmet. Per the theory, a child whose needs are completely met emotionally and physically will generally develop a secure attachment style, whereas a child who is neglected in any way or does not receive all of their needs from their parents or caregivers, even if not purposefully, may develop an insecure attachment style. 

Attachment theory initially focused primarily on children. However, as research continued, psychologists realized that attachment patterns often continued to show in the same way in adulthood as people entered romantic relationships or even friendships. For example, they noticed people would play out their attachment patterns developed in childhood in their adult relationships to try and protect themselves from actual or imagined loss or neglect. Below are the four attachment styles in adults and their definitions. 

An anxious attachment style

An anxious attachment style is often developed when a parent or caregiver is emotionally and/or physically distant or detached from their child. The child responds to this lack of support with efforts to get more attention and avoid abandonment, often in the form of reassurance-seeking, crying, or begging for support. 

Adults with an anxious attachment style tend to repeat this pattern with their partners, often asking for excessive reassurance that the individual won’t leave them, sending many messages when anxious, or partaking in behaviors meant to bring the person closer. However, these behaviors often have the opposite effect, causing others to pull away due to the intensity of the anxiously attached individual's fear. 

A dismissive-avoidant attachment style

Someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style may have had an emotionally volatile parent or a family that relied on them for a lot of support early in life. They could also have had a family that did not talk about emotions or made emotions a stigmatized subject or sign of weakness. As they grow up, these individuals often learn to be independent above all else, taking care of themselves and those they love physically and practically but abandoning their own emotions and often ignoring the feelings of others as well. 

In adulthood, dismissive-avoidant people may struggle to commit, attach, and connect with others. They may have frequent short-term or shallow relationships but often struggle to be truly vulnerable and open up. When emotional subjects come up, they might reject the conversation using avoidance tactics like leaving the room, blocking the other person, changing the subject, lying, or breaking up with someone and refusing to communicate further, often for long periods of time. Although they typically crave love, they may struggle to understand how to get it healthily, and they may run away when their feelings get deeper than they feel they can cope with.  

An anxious-avoidant (disorganized) attachment style

People with anxious-avoidant attachment styles often grew up experiencing abuse, severe neglect, or a parent who was back-and-forth with their affection. For example, their primary caregiver may have sometimes been loving and kind and other times cruel and neglectful. This confusing dynamic could lead to the child developing a similar style of behavior in which they sometimes crave connection and get anxious and other times avoid their emotions and retract. 

In adulthood, disorganized attachment can resemble a pattern of valuing and devaluing people. These individuals may deeply crave love and affection, seeking relationships and vulnerability with others. However, once a deep level of vulnerability and love is achieved, they often flip to an avoidant mindset, struggling to be truly vulnerable and potentially abandoning their partner. 

In extreme cases, this pattern of valuing and devaluing can be so quick that a person goes through the cycle a few times a day, apologizing for their actions and being loving and then avoiding or becoming cold again. Some people with this attachment style might develop borderline personality disorder (BPD), which has similar patterns of attachment but also requires other symptoms to be present to be diagnosed. 

A secure attachment style

People with secure attachments may have had one or both parents or primary caregivers attend to their needs adequately in early life, both emotionally and physically. Their parent(s) may have talked openly about emotions early on, been a role model(s) for healthy love, and guided their children in positive and healthy behavioral patterns. These individuals are often able to have close, vulnerable connections in adulthood and tend to value interdependence and independence. 

Adults with a secure style can usually have open conversations about emotions and set boundaries when they need space. Even when they experience intense or difficult emotions, they tend to be able to emotionally regulate and understand themselves, not blaming others for these emotions. They can often also talk openly about their needs and respect the needs and feelings of their partner without avoiding them.    

Is it possible to change your attachment style? Research on attachment styles 

Changing your attachment style is generally thought to be possible. According to a 2020 study, those with anxious and avoidant attachment styles were able to reduce their attachment anxiety over time. The researchers found that a strong desire to change one’s attachment style was positively correlated with being able to do so. 

Another study done previously in 2005 suggests that attachment style changes were directly correlated with self-education about attachment and relationship patterns as well as attempts to make positive changes to one’s behaviors in relationships. Finally, a 2022 study indicates that positive interpersonal relationships seem to be associated with more secure attachment. Even people with insecure attachments who can cultivate healthy relationships may eventually start to showcase more secure behaviors, especially if their partner is secure.   

The connection between trauma and attachment 

Insecure attachment styles often develop from trauma in early childhood. For example, a neglectful parent who leaves their child without food, affection, and/or shelter could cause them to develop an insecure attachment style. An insecure attachment might also develop from rocky relationships with any primary caregiver who isn’t necessarily a parent. If a child is raised by their grandparents, a foster care system, or multiple caregivers, they may be more likely to have an insecure attachment style. Abuse, especially childhood sexual abuse, may also be linked to disorganized attachment. 

Tools to help you build a secure attachment 

Looking to build more security in yourself, even if you’re already securely attached? You might try the following tools based on what has been suggested by the above studies to be effective. 

Self-reflection and self-awareness exercises

Self-reflection and self-awareness exercises may help you learn more about your attachment style, the behavioral patterns you want to change, and the feedback you get from others about attachment issues. When you self-reflect, you question yourself to learn whether your thoughts are based on reality or could be changed to fit the situation more effectively. You can also learn more about your emotions, what causes them to arise, and how to best regulate yourself. Below are a few methods of self-reflection to try:

• Journaling, whether with or without a prompt 
• Writing poetry about attachment, relationships, and childhood 
• Doing the self-inquiry exercise from RO-DBT 
• Asking someone for feedback on how you could change and journaling about their response after 
• Filling out a guided journal for attachment or relationships 
• Talking to yourself in a mirror as if you were a friend or loved one 
• Reading old journal entries and then writing a list of all the ways you’ve grown and changed since then and how you achieved this 

Self-education 

Self-education can help you understand yourself more profoundly, which may help you grow as a person. To do this, you might read about attachment styles in depth. Read articles from different sources, consider buying a book, and watch videos online from psychologists discussing this topic. You can also watch videos on changing your attachment style, what secure attachment looks like, and how to meet healthy people. Look for information on healthy relationships, toxic relationships, and patterns to look out for when dating. 

Therapy for learning secure attachment styles

Therapy may be particularly helpful if you struggle to organize a plan of action for working on your attachment or want to learn more about the roots of your unique attachment style. A therapist with experience addressing attachment issues can be an empathetic and valuable resource as you navigate the complexities of attachment to others—especially since attachment styles may impact more than just romantic relationships. For example, you can also talk to your therapist about how your attachment impacts your friendships and family connections in adulthood. Looking back at your childhood and healing any wounds from that time may also help you develop a more secure personality in the future.  

What are the traits of secure attachment (rather than disorganized, anxious, or avoidant attachment)?  

Many traits are associated with secure attachment and secure relationships in adult attachment styles, including but not limited to the ability to: 

• Self-regulate in difficult emotional moments 
• Ask for help from loved ones 
• Accept rejection, even when it hurts 
• Walk away from a relationship that is toxic or no longer serving you
• Communicate openly about your emotions with a partner, even when you’re scared 
• Actively listen to and validate your partner’s emotions, even when you don’t understand them 
• Set healthy boundaries on your time, money, energy, belongings, space, home, and body and hold these boundaries even when others push them 
• Spend time alone comfortably and have your own hobbies, interests, and skills outside of your relationship(s) 
• Not abandon other relationships in your life when you get into a romantic relationship 
• Treat your partner with respect in all situations and apologize when you make mistakes 
• Accept the end of a relationship and not keep trying to get back into a relationship after it has ended 
• Maintain long-term, stable relationships and form secure attachments with a partner(s)

Understanding attachment in romantic relationships 

Anxiously attached people are often attracted to avoidantly attracted people, and vice versa. These couples may play out patterns from their childhood together. They may initially connect over similarities in insecure attachment, such as a traumatic past or difficulty with caregivers in childhood. However, over time, the differences between the two typically become striking. 

Often, the avoidant ends the relationship, leaving the anxious individual even more nervous and attempting to reconcile to cure their wound of abandonment. This back-and-forth chaser-and-runner pattern is not healthy and can lead to toxic relationships. Couples who are in this dynamic but want to work on building more secure love might consider individual and/or couples therapy. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is one modality that focuses on childhood wounds and attachment styles and may be a helpful starting point. 

In relationships between two disorganized individuals, they might go back and forth between having extremely close moments and moments where they struggle to connect altogether. If one partner frequently devalues the other, the relationship can quickly turn toxic or abusive. Disorganized attachment is not inherently abusive but can be unhealthy for both people involved. Working with a therapist can be helpful in understanding why these patterns may occur in your relationship and working towards shifting them. 

Work with a professional toward secure attachment

Connect with a compassionate therapist

Mental health support options 

If you’re looking to try therapy to explore your attachment style in more depth, you might not know where to start. Barriers to in-person therapy can arise for some people, such as time, cost, or lack of transportation. In such cases, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples may be a more readily available option. Through these types of online platforms, you can engage in therapy from home via phone, video, or live chat. In addition, you can utilize features like messaging with your therapist, journaling prompts, worksheets, goal tracking, and support groups, which are all included in the membership. 

Studies suggest that online couples therapy can be especially effective, with some couples reporting that they find it more effective than in-person therapy. In one study, for example, couples report enjoying the video therapy format, finding that it made them feel more comfortable opening up than they did when talking to a therapist in person. For challenging topics like attachment, this feature may be particularly helpful. 

Takeaway 

Adult attachment styles can be insecure or secure and are thought to initially develop in early childhood due to how you were raised. It’s thought that you can change your attachment style with time, especially if you are educated in attachment and strongly desire personal growth. If you’re ready to receive professional help in addressing your attachment style and building a secure relationship, consider seeking guidance from a therapist online or in your area.