Ways To Change An Attachment Style: How To Create A Secure Attachment
Attachment theory describes the way in which human connection is established in a person's life, starting from emotional development early childhood between a child and their primary caregivers. This attachment can impact future relationships as an adult, including those with one's own children, friends, partners, and lovers. The child's interaction with their attachment figure can form one of the four main attachment styles.
In some cases, factors such as abuse, trauma, or difficulties in a child's life can lead to an insecure attachment style, such as avoidant attachment or ambivalent attachment. For those with insecure styles, learning to develop a secure attachment may feel impossible or challenging due to existing attachment issues or emotional problems.
A 2020 study found that it is possible to change your attachment style and become less anxious or avoidant over time, with the intention of working toward a secure attachment style.
What are the five attachment styles in attachment theory?
The attachment theory, first published by psychologist John Bowlby, aimed to understand why infants experienced psychological distress when separated from their mothers, impacting their childhood development. He found that infants and young children displayed different behavioral patterns, influenced by how securely attached children felt in relation to their caregivers.
His colleague, Mary Ainsworth, expanded on this theory by hypothesizing that there were several main attachment styles and identifying them accordingly. Observing the varying ways children reacted to attachment-related challenges, she classified their responses into one of the following main attachment styles, highlighting the significance of emotional cues, body language, nonverbal communication in forming these connections.
Secure attachment style: How to create secure attachment styles
In securely attached adults, individuals feel safe expressing their own emotions, communicating with others, and setting boundaries. People with secure attachments tend to experience higher self-esteem and may not feel anxious or worried about their place in someone's life, trusting that people love and care about them without much reassurance.
Often, secure attachment starts when babies form connections through consistent and responsive caregiving. Here, the baby learns to trust their caregivers to meet their needs, fostering a sense of safety and emotional connection that minimizes the baby's stress. Consistent caregiver actions such as compassionate nursing and bottle feeding can influence the individual to have a more secure attachment style throughout their lifespan.
When facing an unhealthy relationship, they may feel confident in cutting off contact or removing themselves from the situation. They often don't avoid conflict, difficult conversations, or the emotional needs of others. These securely attached adults understand that emotions are an essential part of being human, and they are better equipped to form healthy relationships, including intimate relationships and romantic relationships.
Insecure attachment styles
There are four insecure unhealthy attachment styles, including the following:
Anxious-preoccupied: Those with this attachment style may question the intentions of others, often worry about being abandoned, or feel intense jealousy. They may go to great lengths to avoid being harmed, often ask for reassurance, and experience low self-esteem.
Dismissive-avoidant: Those with this attachment style may avoid emotional conversations or topics, keep their relationships at a distance, and shame others for their deeper feelings. They may feel uncomfortable or not know how to express their own feelings. They may reject openness or vulnerability.
Fearful-avoidant: Those with this attachment style crave intimacy and vulnerability but may become fearful or uneasy when they have it. They may end relationships early, stay busy to avoid others, or avoid intimate behaviors.
Disorganized: Those with a disorganized attachment style may struggle with features of several insecure types. They may go back and forth between avoiding intimacy and craving it. In some instances, they may ask for reassurance and become frightened; in others, they may become angry, cold, or distant.
An insecure attachment style may develop from abuse, abandonment, or a rocky relationship with a caregiver or parent. No perfect parent exists, but understanding how a child feels in the strange situation of developing an insecure attachment can help caregivers work towards helping them develop a secure attachment.
As you become an adult, your attachment style may reflect the behaviors you took on to defend yourself in a complex relationship when you were younger. For example, you may be avoidant of the emotions of others due to having an emotionally volatile parent who asked you to care for their emotional state. Or you may crave reassurance or become frightened due to a parent who was distant, neglectful, or didn't meet your needs. It is better to talk to a counselor if you feel like your attachment style turned into one of those unhealthy attachment styles.
How to create a secure attachment style
Becoming more secure may feel highly challenging at times. Unlearning patterns from childhood that your family could have taught you may take time. However, a recent study shows that learning or re-learning security is possible. In the study, 46% of participants changed their attachment style within the course of two years.
Consider the following methods of encouraging a secure attachment style in your own life.
Learn to set boundaries
Boundaries may be rules that you set for yourself, your body, your space, and your belongings. Consider the following examples of boundaries:
Not letting your niece eat on your new couch
Asking a partner not to touch your face without asking
Telling someone you're not interested in dating them
Saying "no" to sex
Telling someone you need a day to think before answering their question
Rejecting a job offer
Not letting your little sister use your makeup without asking
Ending a relationship that is harming you
Telling a boss what you need to stay in a position
Boundaries do not control someone else's behavior. Others may still have the right to set their own boundaries about themselves or their belongings. Confidence in your limits may help you create a healthier connection with someone you love.
If you struggle to say "no" or bring up your needs, practice boundaries on your own first. Practice saying "no" in the mirror or ask a friend to bring up requests for you to decline. You may start small, as well. For example, you might practice saying "no" to water at a friend’s house or decline an offer to take an overtime shift at your job.
Learn when to communicate and when to take space
For those with insecure attachment styles, you may not know how to communicate emotions, needs, or ideas. Or you might struggle to understand when to take time away, give someone space, or let go of a harmful situation.
Learning to communicate when you don't have a healthy example may sometimes feel impossible. However, there are various resources available to help, including:
Therapy with an attachment/trauma therapist
Couples therapy
Books
Online quizzes
Articles and online resources
Online or in-person support groups
Communication courses
You may benefit from deciding to communicate more often with those you're in close relationships with if you usually avoid conversation. If you typically initiate conversation or struggle with taking space, you may find relief from journaling your feelings or taking time out before asking to converse with someone else.
This exercise may help to get you to a "middle ground" where you can healthily communicate or take space without extreme fear, anger, or upset.
Learn about emotions
If you struggle to identify or understand emotions, it may help you to create an "emotions chart." There are several widely known emotions, including:
Anger
Sadness
Happiness
Fear
Disgust
Jealousy
Envy
Love
Excitement
Desire
Willingness
Contentment
Contempt
If visual aids help you, consider printing out a visual chart of emotions. When you feel something and aren't sure what it is, ask yourself if it matches any of the pictures or labels on the emotions chart. Doing this exercise may help you name your emotions when others ask you, "how are you feeling?"
In some cases, long-term periods of one emotional state may be due to mental health conditions or mental illness. For example, extended periods of profound sadness may be depression, and frequent feelings of fear and worry may be due to anxiety. Speaking to a counselor may also be a beneficial option for you.
Find safe connections
Studies show that humans need social connections to feel safe and healthy, both physically and mentally. For this reason, finding safe and healthy relationships may be valuable for your health.
Unsafe relationships could cause an insecure attachment style to be more apparent, and you may not feel safe in creating a secure attachment. In a secure attachment, you may leave a relationship or be able to pick up on "red flags" before a relationship starts. If you're already in an unhealthy relationship, it may not be possible to work on your attachment style until you leave and are in a safe environment.
Someone who is safe and healthy to form a relationship or friendship with may fit the following behaviors:
They are open about their feelings and thoughts but can self-control and practice self-care when needed
They offer emotional support, kindness, and validation when they can
They do not belittle, threaten, or mislabel you
They respect your sexuality, gender identity, and pronouns
They express interest in spending time with you
They do not yell, intimidate, or throw things
They do not physically harm you
They respect your boundaries, including physical, emotional, and sexual ones
They practice active listening when you bring a concern to them
They are open-minded
They understand that no one is perfect and that mistakes can happen
They communicate when they need space or time away from the relationship
They are empathetic and compassionate
They have goals, ambitions, and desires unique to them
They have a strong sense of identity
You may find people who do not fit all these criteria, which may be okay to you. Not everyone will have healthy skills from the get-go. However, the relationship is probably not safe for you if you are experiencing threats, insults, physical or emotional abuse, or bullying.
Seek help through counseling
It may feel too challenging to work through attachment behaviors alone. You may not have a healthy example in your life or want advice from a professional. In this case, counseling can be a valuable option. Online counseling could benefit those who feel most comfortable at home or have busy schedules.
Studies show that online cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) effectively treats long-term exposure to stress and trauma and the symptoms that may go with that. Further studies show that a compassionate and focused therapist can effectively treat attachment disorders or insecure attachment styles.
If you're interested in meeting with a counselor to discuss this topic further, online platforms such as BetterHelp offer an extensive database of counselors with experience in various concerns, such as trauma, anxiety, and attachment.
Takeaway
How can insecure attachments change to secure attachments?
A person can become more secure in their attachments. An unofficial “fifth” attachment style, earned-secure, refers to those who started with an insecure attachment style but later developed the ability to understand their circumstances, collaborate with others, reflect on their childhood, and rationalize the source of their insecure attachment.
The Attachment Project, an organization that helps people develop an earned-secure attachment style, describes how to improve secure attachment in four major steps:
- Leverage support networks. Many people who are insecurely attached struggle to depend on others. It is important to revisit past beliefs and actively choose to rely on others for emotional support and validation.
- Examine your childhood. Understanding the impact of your childhood and your caregiver’s parenting style can help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings as an adult. Processing past experiences and their associated emotions is necessary to develop an earned-secure attachment.
- Challenge your self-assessment. Insecure attachment styles are often associated with low self-worth. You may want to focus on improving your self-esteem or other forms of self-improvement. If your thought patterns negatively affect your self-perception, it will likely be helpful to consciously challenge negative preconceived notions about yourself.
- Enact deliberate change. Even though you’ve improved your self-worth and confronted personal insecurities, you may find behavioral change slow. Behaving in a secure manner takes conscious effort, at least at first. For example, insecure individuals often struggle to set strong boundaries. Even after working on their thought patterns and self-perception, they will still need to practice setting boundaries to develop the skill; the process is not automatic.
Moving from insecure attachment to earned-secure attachment may be easier with the help of a therapist. A mental health professional can help you understand your attachment style, what factors contribute to it, and what you can do to become more secure.
What causes a secure attachment?
The attachment process begins early in childhood, and a secure attachment style develops when children have attentive parents who make the child feel secure. The child can obtain comfort from their caregivers when distressed, and the caregiver is usually typically warm and nurturing. Securely attached children can also use their parents as a “secure base” to explore the environment and interact with other children. This is noticeable in toddlers, who may venture away from their parents to play but often glance back to their parents and search for them if they are not in sight.
As the child grows older, the important features of attachment remain. Parents often enforce security by providing a nonjudgmental atmosphere for adolescents to discuss problems or seek support. A caregiver often provides extensive emotional support and helps their teen learn how to navigate complex adult emotions. Generally, a strong parent-child relationship in childhood and adolescence predicts a secure adult attachment style, which can be beneficial across the entirety of a person’s lifespan.
What is secure attachment in relationships?
A secure-attachment relationship is typically characterized by openness, trust, empathetic communication, and independence. Both people who began adulthood with a secure attachment style and those who attained earned-secure attachment exhibit similar relationship traits. A few characteristics of a securely attached person in a relationship are listed below:
- Can control their emotions surrounding the relationship.
- They are willing to bond, open up, and engage in trusting relationships.
- Able to communicate their needs effectively.
- They are comfortable with closeness and mutual dependency.
- They seek emotional support and provide it to their partner.
- Comfortable being alone and working on their own goals.
- They are self-aware and can reflect deeply on the relationship.
How do you fix an insecure attachment child?
The most effective - and possibly only - way to fix insecure attachment in a child is to improve their caregiving environment. In extreme cases, such as when child abuse is present, removing the child from the parents may be the only viable solution. Typical human development usually requires extensive emotional scaffolding from caregivers. Evidence suggests that children can form new attachments with more secure caregivers, and providing children with a safe, secure environment will likely reduce future attachment concerns.
In most cases, a child remains with their caregiver and invested parents often strive to make changes in their own behavior to create a more secure and attentive environment. Standardized parenting programs, which help caregivers learn to communicate empathetically, raise their emotional awareness, and adopt new parenting skills, have been shown to increase attachment security in children when followed appropriately.
Parents and caregivers may wish to work with a mental health professional to gain insight into their own attachment style. Considering a parent’s caregiving style is often equally important as analyzing a child’s attachment style. Many parents notice large gains in their and their child’s personal security when they commit to moving from an insecure to an earned-secure attachment style. Parents who have attained earned-secure attachment often report that it is much easier to remain attuned to their child's needs, show empathy, and see their child as independent.
How do I make my child feel emotionally secure?
An emotionally secure child needs a safe environment and a nurturing response from caregivers. A child’s ability to engage in healthy relationships as an adult likely requires a solid foundation of emotional security in childhood. Experts suggest that there are five conditions necessary to raise a securely attached child:
- The child feels safe. Children need to feel that their basic needs are secure (food, shelter, etc.) and that their caregiver is a source of safety. If a young child strays from a caregiver, they must know they can return to them for comfort. Older children should know that their parent is willing to advocate for them and defend them from more complex challenges.
- The child is seen and known. Caregivers should anticipate their children’s needs and respond appropriately to a child’s behavior. Children learn that they can expect a prompt, predictable, and accurate response when they signal a need.
- The child feels comforted and soothed. At all ages, children should be able to obtain soothing emotional support when distressed. Helping children manage their feelings helps them learn to calm themselves when they are older. Eye contact and direct communication are important parts of soothing while teaching emotion control skills.
- The child is valued. Caregivers who regularly make their children feel valued often focus on Being rather than Doing. In other words, children should not feel valuable because of what they do but because of who they are. Frequent praise and encouragement can help children feel valued and supported.
- The child can explore. Parents can help their child develop security by acting as a secure “home base” for the child. The idea of a “home base” is literal for younger children. Young children regularly check in with their parents while exploring and may become distraught if their parent isn’t there to provide a sense of safety and security. For older children, a parent can be a “home base” by providing a safe, empathetic space for the child to express themselves and solve problems.
What is secure attachment, and how does it develop?
A secure attachment style in an adult relationship refers to a person’s ability to engage in healthy, trusting relationships. Insecurely attached people may find it difficult to trust or rely on others for emotional support, which can lead to problems in adult relationships, especially romantic ones. On the other hand, securely attached people often thrive in healthy unions and are usually willing to work on their current relationships. They can generally engage in empathetic communication and trust others easily.
Both secure and insecure attachment styles are formed during childhood. Securely-attached children tend to have parents who provide for their emotional needs as well as basic necessities. They are usually able to approach their parents for comfort and are made to feel known, safe, and valued. On the other hand, insecure attachments tend to develop when parents do not provide a child with safety, security, or emotional support.
What is an example of secure attachments?
Consider a romantic relationship between two people: Mark and Kaylee. Mark and Kaylee both have secure attachment styles, which are demonstrated through the daily interactions of their relationship. After a hard day at work, Kaylee comes home to Mark and discusses her day with him constructively. Mark listens attentively, empathizes with Kaylee, and offers emotional support. He is concerned about his girlfriend’s well-being, and her request for emotional support is welcomed.
The next week, Kaylee leaves on a 10-day trip for work. Mark isn’t concerned about her absence and looks forward to some extra time to work on his goals. Neither Kaylee nor Mark are worried about potential threats to their relationship; they both find each other trustworthy and have completely internalized that trust. Although Mark and Kaylee will miss each other, neither one is distressed by spending some time apart. Their secure attachments allow them to have deep, loving connections without sacrificing their independence.
What are the 4 S's of secure attachment?
Dr. Daniel Siegel coined the four S’s of secure attachment in his book The Power of Showing Up. Dr. Siegel is a psychiatrist who has worked extensively with children, teenagers, and families. The Power of Showing Up describes how consistent support from at least one adult can help a child become successful academically, improve their career prospects, and improve their future relationships.
Dr. Siegel’s four S’s are steeped in attachment theory and are based on the latest research regarding how parents and caregivers can best support their children. The four S’s are briefly described below:
- Safe. Children need an environment of safety and security. Parents should act as a secure “home base” that their child recognizes as a place of safety, both physically and emotionally.
- Seen. Truly seeing a child means noticing their emotions, both positive and negative, and responding to them appropriately. Parents should attempt to understand why their child feels the way they do rather than immediately redirect the behavior.
- Soothed. Soothing involves comforting a child and showing them how to manage complicated feelings. Children are effectively soothed when they know their parent is there to help them, and they won’t have to face new challenges alone.
- Secure. In Dr. Siegel's work, security is akin to “showing up.” When a child knows they can count on their caregiver repeatedly, they internalize a sense of value and safety. Providing consistency allows them to trust their sense of security around their caregiver, setting the stage for secure attachment in adulthood.
How do you know if someone is securely attached?
Securely attached adults tend to have the ability to engage in healthy relationships, communicate openly, and trust others. They are usually aware of their emotions and emotional needs, being able to express the need for support when necessary. They can also typically reflect on and learn from past relationships easily.
Generally speaking, there are three key signs that a person has a secure attachment style:
- Positive self-image. Securely attached people tend to have a healthy sense of self but are still capable of humility. They do not need a relationship to feel good about themselves but also do not reject intimacy or closeness to others.
- Positive view of others. People with secure attachment styles tend to trust the people in their life. They are not jealous and do not doubt their loved one’s intentions. They tend to bond easily with others and are comfortable being near other people.
- Positive view of childhood. People who have had a secure attachment since their childhood tend to report their childhood positively and have fond memories of growing up. Similarly, people with an earned-secure attachment style can also speak openly about their childhood but may not remember it positively. An inability to discuss childhood experiences or discussing them only in minor detail is usually a sign of insecure attachment.
- Previous Article
- Next Article