Addressing Conflict Avoidance: Building Conflict Resolution Skills For Mental Health

For people who tend to be conflict-avoidant, avoiding disagreements may seem like an effective way to maintain peace. However, consistently avoiding difficult conversations or addressing differences can negatively affect relationships and individual mental health. Below, examine what conflict avoidance looks like, where it originates, and how to address it to enhance interpersonal connections and overall well-being.

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What does it mean to be conflict-avoidant?

A person who is conflict-avoidant might shut down and not respond when a potentially conflicting topic is brought up by someone else, or they might abruptly change the subject. In some cases, they may strive to maintain a “happy face” at all times, regardless of how they truly feel. They may agree with everything another person says to avoid any potential tension. 

Possible causes of conflict avoidance

Conflict avoidance can stem from many different sources. One of the most common is an individual’s upbringing. Someone who grew up with a highly emotional parent whose moods were unpredictable may become a conflict-avoidant adult, for example, since they may fear the other person's reaction if they speak their mind honestly. This response can be especially apparent in cases of past abuse or other types of trauma.

Specific mental health challenges could also contribute to the avoidance of conflict. For instance, someone with an anxiety disorder might fear being judged or rejected by someone for speaking their mind. Additionally, a person living with low self-esteem or a tendency toward perfectionism may be trying to protect themselves by avoiding all disagreements with others.

Culture can also play a significant role in a person's tendency toward conflict avoidance. For example, individuals socialized as women are often taught to be agreeable and prioritize promoting peace and harmony above all else. Research also suggests that women may avoid workplace conflict, for example, for fear of being perceived as aggressive and experiencing negative professional consequences as a result, even while the same trait may be rewarded in a coworker of another gender. 

Ultimately, many individuals are not taught effective methods for handling conflict. As a result, a person may experience “flooding” when a dispute arises, leading them to become emotionally overwhelmed and struggle to engage. Conversely, they may not know how to cope with the defensiveness that can occur, or they might lack the skills to express themselves clearly and calmly, so that they and the other person can work toward a mutually beneficial solution.

Short-term and long-term effects of conflict avoidance

In psychology in general, avoidance is typically viewed as a maladaptive or unhelpful coping strategy, which also applies to conflict avoidance. People often engage in conflict avoidance due to the potential short-term benefits: Maintaining peace in the moment and avoiding the discomfort or anxiety associated with conflict can be easier in the short term. However, conflict avoidance may be detrimental and lead to negative outcomes in the long term.

Effects of conflict avoidance on relationships

Open and honest communication is widely regarded as a crucial component of healthy personal relationships, spanning friendships to romantic partnerships. Failing to be honest about your needs and desires can be a significant obstacle to building intimacy and forming strong connections. Consistently putting aside your own needs can also lead to a buildup of resentment and unresolved issues, which could negatively affect the health of a connection and even lead to broken relationships. Speaking up for one’s needs and aligning the conflict styles of both parties can be crucial in strengthening relationships.

Still, conflict avoidance can sometimes be a response to abuse. In abusive situations, it may not be safe to speak up for one's needs or feelings. In this case, avoidance can be a survival response. Support for those experiencing abuse is available. Reach out to a hotline or online chat for support and resources. If you’re experiencing abuse, it’s okay to avoid your partner to protect yourself. 

Effects of conflict avoidance on mental health

Conflict avoidance often involves suppressing one's true feelings and failing to have one's needs met. Repressing your feelings may lead to negative physical and psychological health outcomes over time, and avoiding conflict could also increase fear and anxiety. Similarly, consistently not having one’s needs met could lead to low self-esteem, social withdrawal, or even depression.

Tips for managing your feelings and building conflict resolution skills

While the thought of facing conflict head-on can seem intimidating or overwhelming, it is typically possible to develop or refine your conflict management and conflict resolution skills over time. Try to be patient, as the way a person copes with conflict is typically deeply ingrained in them, often from childhood, and may take time to change. Considering this skill as a muscle that can be developed through consistent practice over time may also be helpful. Below are a few additional tips to consider as you refine your conflict management skills. 

Finding ways to get in touch with your feelings

Some people may struggle to set boundaries or speak up for themselves in conflict because they are disconnected from their own needs and emotions. If this resonates with your situation, you may want to practice mindfulness to become aware of your emotions, including both negative and positive emotions. You may also want to engage in journaling to practice emotional processing and regulation. If you are out of touch with yourself due to past trauma, depression, or another mental health challenge, working with a therapist can be advisable as well.

Strengthening your communication skills for improved conflict resolution

There are several approaches you can take to develop your communication skills, which can help you better manage conflict. Examples include the following: 

• Cultivating emotional intelligence (EQ)
• Using “I” statements to avoid blaming and reduce defensiveness
• Practicing active listening
• Trying to avoid using unhelpful and polarizing approaches like sarcasm, defensiveness, and contempt when communicating
• Choosing a quiet, relaxed moment to bring up potential points of conflict rather than high-stress or time-pressured moments

Learning to set healthy boundaries for better conflict management

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines a boundary as “a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.” Setting boundaries can help you meet your needs and may reduce conflict in your relationships, empowering you and the other person to resolve them more effectively. 

While setting boundaries can be challenging for a person who tends to be conflict-avoidant, it is possible to do so by starting small. For example, at first, you might practice saying “no” to tasks you don’t want to do or aren’t able to do in small, low-stakes ways or with people you know will be receptive. Over time, you may develop the habit of engaging in these practices more frequently.

Cultivating emotional resilience to reduce conflict-avoidant tendencies

Having emotional resilience can mean you're generally able to effectively cope with and recover from life's challenges. Emotional resilience may be helpful in conflict management because it can help you see an instance of disagreement or conflict as it is, rather than letting your anxiety magnify it. Regulation can also help you cope with difficult feelings that may arise as a result of a conflict. Some techniques to cultivate emotional resilience can include building a strong support system, cultivating self-esteem, finding a sense of purpose, and setting achievable goals.

Seeking support in therapy to improve communication and conflict management skills

Addressing a tendency toward conflict avoidance can be challenging, as it's often a deep-rooted, fear-based habit and may be linked to difficult or even traumatic past experiences. Seeking the support of a therapist can be a powerful next step toward managing conflict more effectively and with less distress. 

A therapist can help you uncover the roots of your tendency to avoid conflict and work with you on learning and practicing effective conflict management strategies. If anxiety, depression, past trauma, or another mental health challenge is affecting your ability to handle conflict, a therapist may also help address these. 

Exploring the option of online therapy for mental health

Commuting to and from traditional in-person therapy appointments isn't an option for everyone. Some people may not have many providers in their area, while others may feel anxious about speaking with a provider face-to-face. In such cases, online therapy can often be a more convenient or comfortable alternative.

With a platform like BetterHelp, you can be matched with a licensed therapist based on your answers to a brief questionnaire that assesses your needs and preferences. You can then meet with them remotely from anywhere with internet access, via phone, video, or in-app messaging. You can also message your therapist at any time outside of sessions, and they’ll respond as soon as they're able. Research suggests that online therapy can often be as effective as in-person therapy in treating a range of mental health challenges.