Enabling Behavior: When Helping Goes Too Far

Medically reviewed by Julie Dodson, MA, LCSW and Dr. April Brewer, DBH, LPC
Updated October 31, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include suicide, substance use, or abuse which could be triggering to the reader.
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Many individuals are raised to be kind, caring, and helpful. Helpfulness can include putting others' needs first, giving aid when someone needs it, or doing something for someone that they struggle to do for themselves. Being helpful may be healthy when others are respectful, genuine, and aware of your boundaries. 

While it may help you feel helpful or positive about yourself for making someone's life easier, you may do more harm by enabling a dysfunctional or unhealthy habit, such as someone else disrespecting your boundaries. Learning what healthy helping entails might allow you to give without worrying about potential negative consequences to yourself or others.

Sometimes helpfulness hurts someone more than it helps them
Find out how from a licensed therapist

When has helping gone too far?

There are a few signs that your helping may be going too far and crossing into enabling:

  • You're keeping secrets

  • You're making excuses

  • You're blaming others for the person's behavior

  • What you're giving is undeserved

  • You experience difficulty setting healthy boundaries

  • You're resorting to threats to stop helping

  • You're trying to avoid the person you're helping

  • You ignore unacceptable behavior

  • You put the needs of the person you're helping before your own

  • You're being manipulated, threatened, or taken advantage of

  • You're helping outside of your means or resources

  • Your helpfulness is making it easier for someone to stay unhealthy in some way, such as stuck in an addiction

  • You're feeling resentful or burdened

It can seem challenging to recognize when your helping has gone too far, even when other trusted individuals in your life point it out. You might feel guilty, sad, or distressed by withdrawing your support from someone. However, letting go of a relationship or setting boundaries may be the healthiest option in some cases– for both of you. 

Keeping secrets, enabling unhealthy behaviors

Many individuals experience the impact when a loved one is struggling with an unhealthy habit or behavior, such as addiction. They may offer the person money because they dislike seeing someone they love not doing well. They might worry about their loved one becoming homeless or the behavior worsening without their help. 

They might keep their helpfulness a secret and cover up for it. Though this helpful behavior could sound beneficial in theory, it may enable the person struggling to fall further into their unhealthy behaviors without any consequences.

Someone acting unhealthily may need to see their impact on others before they can change. In addictions, this may show up due to a mental and physical pull many people experience to the substance they use. Although a social system can be valuable, boundaries are often essential. 

Making excuses

If you are an empathetic person, you may feel inclined to make excuses for the behavior of the person you are helping. You might want to justify your reason for helping or remind others of the person's humanity. 

No matter how hard it may be, try to see the situation as it is. If someone acts out violently, this is not healthy behavior. Remind yourself that harmful behaviors can harm the person you're helping and those around them. 

Blaming others for the individual's behavior 

You may find yourself placing blame on others in the person's life. It might be their partner, their parents, or a situation such as their upbringing. Although it can be empathetic and kind to understand why someone is struggling, their behaviors are often in their control and up to them to change. 

Studies show that those who have experienced abuse are less likely to act out abusively and continue the cycle if they seek professional treatment. One possible way to support the person in your life is to encourage them to seek professional help. 

Giving financial support, enabling someone with alcohol use disorder

Those participating in unhealthy behaviors may act irresponsibly regarding money. When someone knows you struggle with enabling behavior, they may try to persuade you to give them money or financial support instead of changing their patterns. They may lie about what the money is for or promise this is the last time they will ask. For instance, if you give financial support to a person with a substance use disorder, you’re not helping them. Instead, you’re enabling them to continue their unhealthy behavior.

Although it can be difficult, consider rejecting requests for help that have turned unhealthy. Although how someone chooses to spend their money is not your responsibility, you can choose to give them your resources or not. 

If the person you're helping needs money for things that aren't harmful to themselves or others, you may offer non-financial advice. For instance, you could help them find a job or encourage them to find a recovery house where they can live sober if they struggle with substance use. You might also point them toward financial resources or aid programs. 

Struggling to set boundaries 

If the person's behavior escalates, you may feel desperate to "fix" the person's life for them. However, if they feel dependent on you for support, you might have difficulty setting boundaries.

You might find yourself trying to set boundaries but have difficulty following through. For example, you might state you won't be able to emotionally support them the next time they act out but continue to support them out of fear or other emotional concerns.  

You could do this hoping that your words will make them think about their actions. However, boundaries may not work if they are not upheld. Instead, you could be subconsciously showing the individual that your words hold no meaning. 

If you set a boundary, try to stick to it. Explain to the person that you want what is healthiest for both them and yourself. Although you cannot control their behavior, you may choose to control your own and care for your mental health. Even if you love someone, you may understand that their actions are harming you. 

Avoiding someone: How does it affect mental health?

You may try to avoid the person about whom you care to free yourself of any guilt or pain you could feel due to their actions. You might believe that ignoring the problem could make it go away. However, studies show that suppressing your emotions or thoughts can have the opposite effect.

Social connection can be essential to mental and physical health. The individual about whom you care may crave a healthier connection with you. Try to be there in the ways you can, if you can. If the relationship harms you, you may still choose to remove yourself from the situation, which can also be healthy. 

Try to encourage this person to seek support independently and feel empowered without leaning on others. You might remind them of all the positive qualities you see in them. 

Ignoring unacceptable behavior

People who struggle with unhealthy behaviors may act out in ways that are morally, physically, or mentally unsafe or unhealthy. You may find yourself ignoring this behavior or refusing to accept it. You might continue telling family and friends that they are doing well or nothing is wrong. 

However, ignoring the reality of a situation may cause it to go on for longer. It may be time to decide what you can accept and what you must remove from your life. 

Sometimes helpfulness hurts someone more than it helps them
Find out how from a licensed therapist

Prioritizing others' needs above your own

You may find yourself putting others' needs before your own. You might do this because you believe they need your attention more than you need to care for yourself. However, self-care can be essential to your mental and physical health. 

If you want to give energy and time to another person, you may struggle to do so if you're not feeling healthy, happy, or safe. Consider engaging in research-based self-care activities.

Research-based self-care activities to address enabling behavior

  • Exercising or yoga

  • Spending time in nature

  • Expressive writing through journaling

  • Practicing healthy sleep hygiene habits

  • Cooking healthy meals for yourself or your family

  • Relaxing through meditation or mindfulness practices

Caring for someone else may cause mental burnout, called compassion fatigue. Try to combat this by acting as healthy as possible in your own life. Know that you do not need to care for someone else at the expense of your health. 

Covering up for someone’s substance abuse

You may find yourself covering for a friend or a loved one to shield them from embarrassment or judgment from other people. You might do this out of deep concern. However, this is a classic example of an enabling behavior. When you cover up for someone’s addiction, you are inadvertently allowing them to continue, delaying any necessary treatment and intervention.

Avoiding healthy coping skills

You may find it hard to encourage or support someone in using healthy coping skills. Instead of telling the person to control their negative behavior and use positive ways to cope with life’s challenges, you simply justify their actions because you don’t want to hurt their feelings.

Counseling to improve the mental health of those struggling with enabling 

If you've fallen into a cycle of enabling, consider reaching out to a counselor. You might consider online counseling if you're worried about leaving home, are low on financial resources, or want another way to gain professional support. 

Online therapy can help treat a variety of mental health conditions or symptoms. One study found that telehealth interventions were as effective as in-person treatments for those struggling with substance addiction. However, counseling may be effective for any concern, and you do not need to have a mental health condition to reach out for support. 

Through online mental health platforms such as BetterHelp, you may be able to meet with a compassionate counselor on your own time. Additionally, the online platform Regain is available for those who hope to work through couples' concerns together in therapy.

Takeaway

Helping others can be beneficial and may reap many benefits. However, there are times when helping could enable harmful behaviors of another individual. If you're looking for professional advice on how to break the cycle of enabling, consider reaching out to a counselor to discuss your concerns.

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