Codependent Relationship: Recognizing Codependency Behavior

Loyalty is a highly valued characteristic of almost all relationships, and it’s nice to know that we can count on those close to us when we need them. However, loyalty can turn unhealthy when it contributes to codependency. 

In this article, we’ll be exploring some common signs of unhealthy relationships, specifically those that are codependent. Once you recognize what codependent relationships look like, you can take steps to avoid getting into one yourself and find healthy ways to address a codependent partner or family member.

What is a codependent relationship?

According to a paper exploring the experience of codependency through interpretative phenomenological analysis, codependency is a highly contested topic in clinical psychology and peer-reviewed studies. However, based on the experiences of self-reported codependents, it’s a real experience with the potential to have real repercussions. This article discusses the topic from that lens. 

Codependency is a term for a behavior-based condition where one partner in a relationship—whether a romantic relationship or a relationship with a friend, family member, or other person—assists another person’s addiction, lack of responsibility, or destructive behavior.

Understanding codependent relationships: core characteristics and dynamics of this behavior

People who are codependent often rely on others for approval and the safety of their sense of identity and self-image. The definition of codependent behavior may vary depending on the situation or patterns of unhealthy behavior. 

The impact of codependency on mental health in relationships

In a codependent relationship, one person is normally the caregiver, while the other partner takes advantage of their efforts. There’s often a power imbalance in these types of partnerships. In many cases, one or both partners rely on each other to a fault and prioritize the other’s feelings over their own emotions. 

It may become hard for both or all parties to function independently without the other, which can lead to low self-confidence, issues maintaining a sense of self, and lack of attention to personal needs. Codependent individuals may neglect other friendships and connections outside of the relationship, or they might feel guilty to attention to their own wants instead of working for their family member’s or partner’s approval. 

If left unaddressed, codependency can lead to resentment, burnout, and the breakdown of the relationship. It may result in circular relationship dynamics, emotional abuse, lack of emotional development, and excessive self-sacrifice.

Codependency and addiction

Codependency often accompanies addiction. Supporting a partner through addiction involves care and loyalty, but relapse is common, and multiple treatments may be needed for lasting sobriety.

Life’s stressors can trigger relapse, even after a long period of sobriety, causing stress for partners and family members and potentially leading to dysfunctional dynamics.

Strategies for overcoming codependency in codependent relationships

Making excuses for your partner to others is a sign of codependency. Staying in a relationship with someone experiencing addiction can be challenging, but the thought of leaving might seem even harder. Consistently covering for your partner during relapses or when they face criticism can lead to resentment and might indicate codependency.

Codependency reflects relationship dynamics and may stem from underlying mental health struggles, not just the addiction. This can occur in any relationship, including with family and friends of those who misuse substances. Recognizing the signs can help you seek support to foster a healthier relationship, address codependency, or decide to leave the relationship.

The impact of codependency on relationship health, mental health, and personal wellbeing

To better understand whether you have an unhealthy or dysfunctional relationship with a partner, parent, family, or friend, it helps to learn some notable facts about it. Researchers began to learn about codependency after many years of studying the effects of alcoholics’ behavior on their family and close friends. At that time, they began to use the term ‘relationship addiction’ to describe codependent people.

Clinicians generally believe that this is a learned behavior developed from spending time with and imitating others who display the same behavior. It is so prevalent in some families that it can even be passed down intergenerationally, much like attachment styles can be (e.g., insecure attachment style).

Clinicians agree that it is a behavioral condition that affects a person’s ability to have a healthy and mutually happy relationship. Codependency often involves someone who finds themselves in one-sided, harmful, or emotionally challenging relationships.

Navigating codependent relationships: strategies for reducing dependency

Researchers became interested in codependency after learning that people who misuse substances often had relationships with others who became codependent on them. Today, this discovery has led to a broader definition of codependency which can refer to any person who is codependent from a dysfunctional family or relationship. Clinicians have also noted similar patterns of codependency in families where there are instances of mental illness.

While codependency due to addictions and alcoholism is common, codependency is also common where food addictions, work addictions, sexual addictions, or gambling is present. Although codependent behavior isn’t necessarily an indicator of mental illness, underlying problems such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse may be the root cause of codependency for some.

When family or partners don’t know how to appropriately handle addictive behaviors in someone they care about, it often creates family dysfunction. People without addictive tendencies may experience fear, anger, pain, or shame because of the relationship but ignore it or deny it. For some, it’s easier to repress the feelings and disregard their own needs in favor of the addicted person’s needs. They may develop unhealthy ways of coping, such as detaching themselves from others, avoiding them, or pretending the problems don’t exist.

Behavioral dynamics of codependency: Recognizing unhealthy patterns in relationships

Codependency is common among men and women, and they tend to be equally loyal, but a study in the Journal of Substance Abuse shows that the characteristics of codependency manifest differently in men and women. In the study, codependent women showed the following five characteristics:

1. Control
2. Exaggerated responsibility
3. Worth dependency
4. Rescue orientation
5. Change orientation

Conversely, the findings indicated that men showed only control and exaggerated responsibility.

Codependency might affect entire families as well as the people involved in them. A study in Mexico suggests that families experience higher stress levels and have a higher probability of forming addictions themselves when one or both people are codependent. The study indicates that families of codependent people have a poorer quality of life in various aspects, likely because the primary focus of the family’s time and energy goes toward the ill or addicted person.

Codependent people feel a sense of devotion and loyalty to the person with addictive tendencies, but as their focus on the other person intensifies, their own well-being may decline. As a result, they may seek out other ways to feel better and restore positive feelings of self-esteem.

Key characteristics and behavior patterns

Those who have codependent tendencies may misuse alcohol or drugs to help them cope with their partner, which subjects them to their own addictions. Others may develop other coping activities like gambling, engaging in promiscuous sex, or becoming workaholics. Wives may cover up their husband’s bad behavior, mothers make excuses for a child’s criminal activity, and parents may try to prevent their children from receiving discipline for the consequences of their actions caused by substance use. These are all examples of unhealthy ways that codependent people may respond to the dependent person who needs them.

Codependent people who continually try to “rescue” their loved ones aid them in continuing the destructive behavior. This often leads to the affected person relying on them even more, thus perpetuating an unhealthy cycle of dependence. Codependent people often feel some sense of reward and satisfaction because the behavior makes them feel “needed.” Over time, however, the dysfunction of the relationship can lead to resentment, low self-esteem, and other unpleasant feelings.

What are the signs of a codependent person?

Understanding common indicators of codependency can help you address these tendencies if they arise in your familial or romantic relationships. According to Mental Health America, there are specific signs that may signal a codependent relationship dynamic.

Common signs of a codependent relationship:  

Understanding the signs of codependency is one of the first steps toward building a healthier relationship. If they are present in your life, it may help to spend time with a professional who can help you address them. 

Treatments for codependency

The more that you understand codependency, the better you can manage it in a healthy manner. Talk therapy with trained mental health professionals is the best tool for identifying, uncovering, and understanding the source of a person’s codependent behavior so that the individual may develop coping skills. 

Many people in codependent relationships benefit from individual therapy, family therapy, and group counseling with other people having difficulty with the same issues in their familial and romantic partnerships.

It can be very difficult to unlearn codependent behaviors, set boundaries, and develop healthier behavioral patterns, especially on your own. If you think you may be in a codependent relationship, going to counseling might help. For some, seeing an in-person therapist can be challenging due to barriers of scheduling, availability, and more. An alternative option is connecting with a therapist online through the BetterHelp platform. You can speak to a licensed, accredited mental health professional with an internet connection anytime, anywhere. 

Research behind online therapy for codependency in relationships

Being in a codependent relationship can lead to mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, and more. Different studies have found that online therapy is just as effective as in-person therapy. Researchers have discovered that it can successfully treat the potential underlying causes of codependent behavior. Further, it can help dependent people prioritize their own feelings and emotions and move on from unhealthy relationships stemming from those root causes.