Am I In A Toxic Relationship? How To Identify Toxic Behavior In A Relationship And Find Support

Medically reviewed by Laura Angers Maddox, NCC, LPC and Majesty Purvis, LCMHC
Updated October 8, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include abuse which could be triggering to the reader. If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7. Please also see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

An unhappy relationship can take many forms—in some cases, one or both people may be dealing with personal issues that make it challenging to maintain a healthy dynamic, while other times, the relationship may reach a natural conclusion due to changes or fluctuations in feelings or life circumstances. Toxic relationships, however, are those in which unhealthy patterns of disrespect, blame, or lack of trust begin to make the relationship feel emotionally unsafe. 

Here, you’ll learn what a toxic relationship is and how to identify them in your life, plus how to differentiate between toxicity and abuse. You’ll also learn how to address toxic relationships in your life, and cultivate healthy connections that bring you joy and fulfillment. Whether you’re concerned you may be in a toxic friendship, romantic relationship, or family relationship, this guide is for you.

Address toxic behavior with couples therapy

What is a toxic relationship?

Broadly speaking, a toxic relationship is one characterized by dependence, imbalance, and dominance. One person may put significant effort into the relationship, while the other may harbor feelings of resentment, express animosity, or attempt to exert control over the other party. In some cases, both people may exhibit toxic behaviors towards each other. 

Those in toxic relationships often describe feeling on edge around the other person, or feel unfairly or harshly judged or criticized. This can lead to ongoing conflict, and in some cases, may result in emotional or even physical abuse. 

Toxic relationships can exist between romantic partners, family members, friends, or colleagues. Toxic behaviors can stem from a number of underlying issues, including unmet emotional needs, poor communication or interpersonal skills, personality disorders, or past trauma. 

How to identify toxic relationships

If you begin to notice unhealthy patterns of negativity in a relationship in your life, it may be an indication that the relationship has become toxic and needs to be addressed. Look for the following:

1. Anger and frustration

While occasional disagreements can be a normal part of even healthy relationships, constant or excessive frustration or hostility can signal a toxic dynamic. Minor issues often escalate into major conflicts, and one or both partners may struggle to manage their emotions effectively. This pattern creates constant tension, placing undue strain on the relationship.

2. Lack of respect

If you or the other person constantly feel disrespected or demeaned, it may be a sign that the relationship has become toxic. This lack of respect could take the form of belittling comments, dismissive behavior, ignored boundaries, or lack of regard for each other’s time, feelings, or opinions. 

3. Fear or uncertainty

Feeling fearful or unsure about how your partner might react can signal a toxic dynamic. You may feel constantly on edge or anxious about the relationship, making it difficult to feel safe and stable. In cases where the relationship has deteriorated from toxic to abusive, fear may be more acute, such as when triggered by aggression, intimidation, or physical abuse. 

4. Constant criticism

Research into romantic relationships has identified criticism as one of the key predictors of divorce, and indeed, destructive criticism is known to have damaging effects on a person’s psyche. Patterns of criticism can spark unnecessary conflict, and over time can erode goodwill between people, which can 

5. Manipulation and control

Whether conscious or unconscious, the desire to manipulate or exert control over the other person’s feelings, actions, or thoughts can signal that a relationship has become untenable. One or both parties may feel stifled, resentful, or disconnected, and disagreements may arise about boundaries, autonomy, and mutual respect.

6. Lack of support

If you don’t feel supported by the other person—that is, if they consistently ignore your needs, dismiss your concerns, or fail to provide encouragement and understanding—it can indicate a toxic relationship. Whereas a healthy dynamic creates a positive feedback loop where both people support and celebrate each other, an unhealthy dynamic may leave you feeling undervalued, uncared for, and neglected.

7. Jealousy and possessiveness

While jealousy and possessiveness are most often thought of as being features of toxic romantic partnerships, these traits can also be a feature of problematic friendships, family relationships, and even professional environments. This can lead to accusatory or controlling behavior, undermining the long-term stability of the relationship.

8. Lying, dishonest behavior, or lack of trust

Researchers and relationship experts often consider trust to be foundational to a healthy relationship—without it, feelings of insecurity and doubt may lead to discord. Thus, lying and dishonesty can be considered toxic behaviors that are incompatible with the viability of any relationship—be it an intimate partnership, friendship, family bond, or professional relationship.

9. Blame and guilt

Blame can be another sign of a toxic relationship. Rather than working together to resolve conflicts, such as might occur in a healthy relationship, one partner may blame the other for issues without acknowledging any role they may have played. This could be due to a lack of self-awareness, or it could be an attempt to use guilt as a tool for control and manipulation.

10. Isolation from friends and family

Toxicity can not only affect the dynamic between you and the other person, it can also affect your relationships with others. You may feel like you have to lie about, avoid, or make excuses for the toxic person, or feel like others don’t understand them or the relationship. In situations where abuse or manipulation may be occuring, the other person might try to isolate you from friends, family, or other support systems.

11. Unresolved conflicts

Due to the nature of toxic relationships, it’s common for problems to go unaddressed, which can lead to constant tension and argument. Small issues may escalate into larger ones, and voicing normal concerns may trigger unhelpful or disproportionate responses marked by criticism, hostility, and lack of forgiveness.

12. Feeling drained and impacting mental health

Toxic relationships tend to be emotionally draining. You may feel ill-equipped to devote ample time or energy into other areas of your life, and may find yourself constantly feeling anxious, sad, or stressed by the relationship issues you’re dealing with. Rather than feel happy when you hear from them, you might feel negativity when communicating with them or anticipating an interaction.

13. Constant doubt in toxic relationships

While there could be many reasons a person might be experiencing relationship doubts, patterns of consistent doubt can often be an indication that a relationship has become unsustainable. You may begin to imagine breaking ties with someone, or feel deeply uncertain about the possibility of repairing your bond.

Abusive vs. toxic behavior

It’s not uncommon for an abusive relationship to be described as “toxic” and vice versa. However, abuse refers to a specific pattern of behavior intended to exert power and control over the other person. While toxic behaviors can be the result of poor interpersonal skills or lack of self-awareness, abuse involves deliberate attempts to hurt and manipulate the other person.

Abuse can take many forms, including physical violence, financial control, emotional manipulation or bullying, or sexual assault. There tends to be a clear victim and perpetrator, where fear and intimidation are used to maintain power and control. Abusive relationships often follow a cycle of tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm.

Whereas toxic behaviors can sometimes be addressed through communication, therapy, and mutual effort, an abusive relationship requires intervention, professional support, and often a complete separation to ensure the safety and well-being of the victim.

Address toxic behavior with couples therapy

Find mental health support in therapy

If you’re struggling with a relationship that feels toxic, support is available. Using evidence-based techniques from approaches like interpersonal therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy, a licensed therapist can help you understand the toxic dynamics that are impacting your life, and offer practical guidance for addressing them. For romantic partners struggling with patterns of toxicity, couples counseling has been found to be beneficial for creating healthier dynamics.

With BetterHelp, you can attend weekly one-on-one sessions with a licensed counselor, plus benefit from added features and benefits like group therapy, guided journaling, educational webinars, and digital therapy worksheets. For couples, BetterHelp’s sister platform ReGain may be worth considering.

Effectiveness of online therapy in understanding how to identify a toxic relationship

Online therapy has been found to be just as effective as in-person therapy, and may be preferable for those who prefer a convenient, flexible, low-cost alternative to traditional face-to-face appointments.

Takeaway

There are many ways that a person can display toxic behavior in a relationship, such as isolating you from loved ones, frequently showing jealousy, and keeping an emotional scorecard. Failing to put in effort, projecting their emotions onto you, and not allowing you to say no can also be examples of toxic behavior. While sometimes, the solution to this type of behavior may be to end the relationship, you may wish to first see if it’s possible to work things out in couples therapy. You can connect with a licensed couples therapist online or in your local area.
Target disruptive behavior in therapy
The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.
Get the support you need from one of our therapistsGet started