Am I In A Toxic Relationship? How To Identify Toxic Behavior In A Relationship And Find Support
An unhappy relationship can take many forms—in some cases, one or both people may be dealing with personal issues that make it challenging to maintain a healthy dynamic, while other times, the relationship may reach a natural conclusion due to changes or fluctuations in feelings or life circumstances. Toxic relationships, however, are those in which unhealthy patterns of disrespect, blame, or lack of trust begin to make the relationship feel emotionally unsafe.
Here, you’ll learn what a toxic relationship is and how to identify them in your life, plus how to differentiate between toxicity and abuse. You’ll also learn how to address toxic relationships in your life, and cultivate healthy connections that bring you joy and fulfillment. Whether you’re concerned you may be in a toxic friendship, romantic relationship, or family relationship, this guide is for you.
What is a toxic relationship?
How to identify toxic relationships
If you begin to notice unhealthy patterns of negativity in a relationship in your life, it may be an indication that the relationship has become toxic and needs to be addressed. Look for the following:
1. Anger and frustration
While occasional disagreements can be a normal part of even healthy relationships, constant or excessive frustration or hostility can signal a toxic dynamic. Minor issues often escalate into major conflicts, and one or both partners may struggle to manage their emotions effectively. This pattern creates constant tension, placing undue strain on the relationship.
2. Lack of respect
If you or the other person constantly feel disrespected or demeaned, it may be a sign that the relationship has become toxic. This lack of respect could take the form of belittling comments, dismissive behavior, ignored boundaries, or lack of regard for each other’s time, feelings, or opinions.
3. Fear or uncertainty
Feeling fearful or unsure about how your partner might react can signal a toxic dynamic. You may feel constantly on edge or anxious about the relationship, making it difficult to feel safe and stable. In cases where the relationship has deteriorated from toxic to abusive, fear may be more acute, such as when triggered by aggression, intimidation, or physical abuse.
4. Constant criticism
Research into romantic relationships has identified criticism as one of the key predictors of divorce, and indeed, destructive criticism is known to have damaging effects on a person’s psyche. Patterns of criticism can spark unnecessary conflict, and over time can erode goodwill between people, which can
5. Manipulation and control
Whether conscious or unconscious, the desire to manipulate or exert control over the other person’s feelings, actions, or thoughts can signal that a relationship has become untenable. One or both parties may feel stifled, resentful, or disconnected, and disagreements may arise about boundaries, autonomy, and mutual respect.
6. Lack of support
If you don’t feel supported by the other person—that is, if they consistently ignore your needs, dismiss your concerns, or fail to provide encouragement and understanding—it can indicate a toxic relationship. Whereas a healthy dynamic creates a positive feedback loop where both people support and celebrate each other, an unhealthy dynamic may leave you feeling undervalued, uncared for, and neglected.
7. Jealousy and possessiveness
While jealousy and possessiveness are most often thought of as being features of toxic romantic partnerships, these traits can also be a feature of problematic friendships, family relationships, and even professional environments. This can lead to accusatory or controlling behavior, undermining the long-term stability of the relationship.
8. Lying, dishonest behavior, or lack of trust
Researchers and relationship experts often consider trust to be foundational to a healthy relationship—without it, feelings of insecurity and doubt may lead to discord. Thus, lying and dishonesty can be considered toxic behaviors that are incompatible with the viability of any relationship—be it an intimate partnership, friendship, family bond, or professional relationship.
9. Blame and guilt
Blame can be another sign of a toxic relationship. Rather than working together to resolve conflicts, such as might occur in a healthy relationship, one partner may blame the other for issues without acknowledging any role they may have played. This could be due to a lack of self-awareness, or it could be an attempt to use guilt as a tool for control and manipulation.
10. Isolation from friends and family
Toxicity can not only affect the dynamic between you and the other person, it can also affect your relationships with others. You may feel like you have to lie about, avoid, or make excuses for the toxic person, or feel like others don’t understand them or the relationship. In situations where abuse or manipulation may be occuring, the other person might try to isolate you from friends, family, or other support systems.
11. Unresolved conflicts
Due to the nature of toxic relationships, it’s common for problems to go unaddressed, which can lead to constant tension and argument. Small issues may escalate into larger ones, and voicing normal concerns may trigger unhelpful or disproportionate responses marked by criticism, hostility, and lack of forgiveness.
12. Feeling drained and impacting mental health
Toxic relationships tend to be emotionally draining. You may feel ill-equipped to devote ample time or energy into other areas of your life, and may find yourself constantly feeling anxious, sad, or stressed by the relationship issues you’re dealing with. Rather than feel happy when you hear from them, you might feel negativity when communicating with them or anticipating an interaction.
13. Constant doubt in toxic relationships
While there could be many reasons a person might be experiencing relationship doubts, patterns of consistent doubt can often be an indication that a relationship has become unsustainable. You may begin to imagine breaking ties with someone, or feel deeply uncertain about the possibility of repairing your bond.
Abusive vs. toxic behavior
It’s not uncommon for an abusive relationship to be described as “toxic” and vice versa. However, abuse refers to a specific pattern of behavior intended to exert power and control over the other person. While toxic behaviors can be the result of poor interpersonal skills or lack of self-awareness, abuse involves deliberate attempts to hurt and manipulate the other person.
Abuse can take many forms, including physical violence, financial control, emotional manipulation or bullying, or sexual assault. There tends to be a clear victim and perpetrator, where fear and intimidation are used to maintain power and control. Abusive relationships often follow a cycle of tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm.
Whereas toxic behaviors can sometimes be addressed through communication, therapy, and mutual effort, an abusive relationship requires intervention, professional support, and often a complete separation to ensure the safety and well-being of the victim.
Find mental health support in therapy
If you’re struggling with a relationship that feels toxic, support is available. Using evidence-based techniques from approaches like interpersonal therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy, a licensed therapist can help you understand the toxic dynamics that are impacting your life, and offer practical guidance for addressing them. For romantic partners struggling with patterns of toxicity, couples counseling has been found to be beneficial for creating healthier dynamics.
With BetterHelp, you can attend weekly one-on-one sessions with a licensed counselor, plus benefit from added features and benefits like group therapy, guided journaling, educational webinars, and digital therapy worksheets. For couples, BetterHelp’s sister platform ReGain may be worth considering.
Effectiveness of online therapy in understanding how to identify a toxic relationship
Online therapy has been found to be just as effective as in-person therapy, and may be preferable for those who prefer a convenient, flexible, low-cost alternative to traditional face-to-face appointments.
Takeaway
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about toxic behavior in a relationship.
What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
Toxic relationships can look different for most people, as each relationship is unique in what negative traits can show up. However, common warning signs of toxic traits may include frequently arguing, passive aggression, aggression, extreme stress, avoidance, intense attachment, codependency, an unfair power and control dynamic, and guilt-tripping behaviors. Anyone can be on the receiving end of toxic behavior. Whether the relationship is with a family member, toxic friend, or partner, toxic individuals can cause extreme stress in a connection, which may lead to low self-esteem and mental health challenges.
Toxic patterns are not necessarily the same as abusive relationships. Toxic relationships may be able to be worked on with healthy boundaries, honest conversation, personal growth, and self-awareness. However, if your partner or another person is emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, or spiritually abusing you, the safest option is often to find a way to leave the relationship. You can call, text, or chat with the Domestic Violence Hotline to find resources in your area.
Can you fix a toxic relationship?
Relationships involving toxic ways of communication may be red flags for future abuse. If your relationship is abusive, it isn’t recommend to try to fix the relationship. However, if both you and your partner are struggling to deal with patterns in your daily life together, you might try working through these behaviors together and aon your own to better your lives. To start, you may both set boundaries around your own body, time, energy, space, belongings, and emotions.
You might come up with safe words you can use during an argument to end the conversation and take time alone if it gets heated. You can also talk to a therapist, whether alone or together, to find more ways to feel uplifted and safe in your relationship. Often, fixing challenges in a relationship requires all parties to be open to change, including by examining your own actions and how they might contribute to problems. However, fixing these challenges may be possible, as 70% of couples find couples therapy helpful.
How do you stop toxic behavior in a relationship to protect your mental health?
If your mental health is negatively impacted by a relationship, you may consider spending time alone to think about your values, boundaries, and needs in the relationship. You don’t have to stay in a relationship that is not changing or growing. However, you can also consider your own behavior and how you would want others to treat you. In some cases, toxic patterns may arise because two people aren’t compatible or don’t get along, which can be normal. Ending a relationship because you realize it is no longer serving you is okay. Journaling, talking to a therapist, and asking loved ones for advice may also be helpful.
What is gaslighting in a relationship?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation that involves discrediting someone else’s experiences despite knowing that they are accurate. For example, if someone’s partner brings up a toxic trait or behavior they partook in, the person might gaslight them by saying, “That didn’t happen. It’s in your head.” They may further try to guilt trip the individual to make them feel guilty for bringing up the topic in the first place despite being fully aware that their partner is telling the truth. If you are being gaslit, mixed with other forms of emotional abuse, talk to someone you trust. You’re not alone, and there is hope.
When should you leave a relationship?
Leaving a relationship can be difficult and scary. Reading about doing so can be different from doing so in real life. However, if you notice common signs of toxicity or abusive behavior in your relationship, you may benefit from letting go. Long-term exposure to abusive relationships can lead to problems in physical health, such as high blood pressure, migraines, and chronic pain. Talking to a therapist or someone you trust can be a starting point if you’re scared to leave. You can also practice what you want to say to the individual before you break up or leave them. If you’re in a dangerous situation, you might not want to leave the individual in person, as doing so can be dangerous. Calling the Domestic Violence Hotline can get you potentially connected to abuse survivor resources in your area so you can act fast and get help.
How do toxic relationships start?
Toxic relationships can start in different and often subtle ways. You might gradually start noticing more controlling behaviors over time, though these types of relationships aren’t the only ones that can be toxic. In some relationships, people may start out intensely by “love bombing” the other person, a term used to describe intense, obsessive gestures of love that occur very quickly at the beginning of a relationship or after a fight to try to distract someone from what occurred.
Why do toxic couples stay together despite toxic behaviors and stress?
The patterns in toxic relationships are often difficult to avoid, and because people with toxic behaviors often love bomb or apologize profusely after acting in unhealthy ways, a person might be manipulated to stay. Manipulation can also cause a person to gaslight themselves about what they’re experiencing if their partner is gaslighting them. They may think that they are the problem, even though they’re being abused. If you are experiencing abuse and having difficulty leaving your relationship, tell someone you trust what’s happening and consider calling or chatting with a hotline. They can help you make a plan to leave.
What are toxic people like in terms of personality traits and feelings?
People may not be inherently toxic as individuals, but behavior can be toxic. These people might have personality traits they’ve learned over time, such as controlling behavior, difficulty letting go, codependency, and a desire for power. They might struggle with empathy and compassion, as well. Depending on the individual, they may feel anger or apathy more frequently than other emotions. However, everyone is different, and no emotion is inherently toxic. What one chooses to do with an emotion can matter more.
Do toxic people know they have toxic behavior?
Toxic people may sometimes be self-aware. However, not everyone with toxic behavior is able to take responsibility or accountability for their behavior. People who are working on their behaviors in therapy or practicing self-help techniques may be more likely to be self-aware. Self-awareness can be a powerful tool for change.
What is the psychology of a toxic person?
Toxic behaviors can come from many causes. For example, some people with certain mental health conditions might be more likely to behave in unhealthy ways. However, this factor doesn’t mean that everyone with a certain condition is abusive, toxic, or unhealthy. Many people work on their symptoms to not have behaviors that harm others. Often, toxic behavior that goes unchecked is due to a lack of self-awareness, low self-esteem, and an inability to self-reflect. Narcissistic or avoidant tendencies can contribute to this factor.
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