What Is Passive-Aggressive Behavior And What Can I Do About It?

This behavioral pattern can be maladaptive and unhealthy, potentially leading to conflict and tension in relationships. But it can also be addressed so that more constructive and assertive methods of interaction are being utilized. In this article, you will learn what passive-aggressive behavior entails and how you can identify and address it in your life.

What is passive-aggressive behavior?

Unlike aggressive behavior—which typically involves openly expressing negative thoughts and emotions—passive-aggressive behavior tends to be much more indirect and subtle. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), passive aggression is “behavior that is seemingly innocuous, accidental, or neutral but that indirectly displays an unconscious aggressive motive”. 

Examples of passive-aggressive behaviors

An example of passive-aggressive behavior might be an employee performing a task slowly or ineffectively because they aren’t happy about being chosen to complete it. There are many ways passive-aggressive behavior can manifest, often depending on the individual and the situation. The APA provides additional examples of passive-aggressive behavior, including "procrastination, dawdling, stubbornness, intentional inefficiency, ‘forgetting’ appointments, or misplacing important materials”.

Signs of passive-aggressive behavior

Even though they can be hard to spot sometimes, passive-aggressive modes of interacting can be associated with the same hostile and resentful feelings as aggressive behaviors. Here are more signs of passive-aggressive behavior in action:

• Avoiding and evading problems
• Deliberately procrastinating or making mistakes on a task
• Complaining and making excuses frequently
• Criticizing and blaming others
• Sarcastic, avoidant, and argumentative communication
• Pessimistic attitude and outlook

Passive-aggressive interactions often come from people who feel unable to express their feelings. They may have a tendency to bottle up or bury them and become out of touch with them. People who display this behavioral pattern may occasionally express themselves directly, but will typically use evasive communication techniques or subtle behaviors to convey displeasure, dissatisfaction, or other negative feelings. This can result in confusion rather than resolution. 

Passive aggression and mental health

Passive-aggressive behavior was once considered a sign of a personality disorder known as negativistic personality disorder (also called passive-aggressive personality disorder). This condition was recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV). Despite the fact that it isn’t specifically mentioned in the DSM-V, it can help us understand the characteristics of passive-aggressive behavior and why it occurs.  

Passive-aggressive behavior has also been linked to mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety, another personality disorder, and substance use disorder.

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

If you or someone you know is displaying passive aggression towards others, it’s not always indicative of a mental health disorder. However, it can still be helpful to seek out the assistance of a mental health professional for guidance and an opportunity to unpack why the behavior might be happening.

What causes passive aggression?

As with many personality-based concerns, passive-aggressive behavior is thought to be caused by a variety of factors. Environmental influences are considered especially important contributors. Most of the time, behaviors and communication styles are learned. They are often influenced by an individual’s upbringing and early environments.

Passive aggression and upbringing

It has been suggested that certain parenting styles may lead to passive-aggressive behavior. If a person had a parent who displayed passive-aggressive behavior, they might adopt this way of thinking, communicating, and dealing with negative emotions themselves. This behavioral pattern can also arise out of a situation in which an individual was discouraged from expressing themselves directly. 

Passive aggression and genetics

Additionally, passive-aggressive personality traits are thought to have a genetic component. In fact, they have been suggested to have a heritability of 50%. People can also learn passive-aggressiveness as adults. For instance, someone might develop passive-aggressive behaviors to avoid confrontation in the workplace or conflict with an intimate partner.

Passive aggressive communication and relationships

According to the APA, passive-aggressive behavior is associated with an individual’s conflicting feelings toward themselves and those around them. This can lead to actions and emotions that are inconsistent. For example, someone may want to avoid upsetting a friend by being confrontational while still feeling the need to express their displeasure in some way. 

While passive aggression is a common form of interacting with others, it can make it difficult or impossible to work through conflict, mend strained relationships, and promote the reflection and compromise that is often necessary to overcome obstacles.

What to do if you are being passive-aggressive

It’s not always easy to realize that you are behaving in a passive-aggressive manner, and sometimes the awareness comes when someone points out your behavior and how it’s affecting them or others. Recognizing the concern is usually the first step to improving and correcting these behaviors. Being as self-aware as possible can help you identify moments when your communication style is not assertive or direct. 

For example, at some point, you may become upset because your partner did not take out the trash. In this situation, if you take the trash out of the can and put a note on it, think about whether that is the most effective way of expressing your displeasure.    

The main concern that you may need to address when attempting to make a change is how to manage and express negative feelings. It can be important to find healthy outlets for these emotions. In the above situation, you can talk to your partner about your expectations and concerns. If you’re concerned about upsetting them, you may also bring that up. 

The roles of introspection and mental health care

You may also want to take some time to consider why passive aggression has made its way into your communication style. Do you feel unsure about discussing your true feelings with others? Are you afraid of what others might say or do if you do? Are you worried about whether your feelings are valid, or are you hoping that others will uncover your frustration themselves? Knowing the source of your behavior can help you better alter it.

It may also help to address underlying mental health challenges. If your passive-aggressive behavior is linked to depression, social anxiety disorder, or another condition, managing the symptoms of these conditions may lead to more direct forms of interacting with others. A mental health professional can help you both address mental health symptoms and develop more active, constructive methods of expressing yourself. 

How to help someone who is using passive-aggressive communication

If you recognize the signs of passive-aggressive interactions in people around you—whether they are a friend, family, a romantic partner, or a coworker—confronting the situation can be challenging. You might fear backlash or worry about putting the other person on the defensive. 

First, it can be important to not make assumptions about why someone is acting passive-aggressively; what may seem like malicious behavior may be rooted in self-doubt, fear, or confusion. It can be helpful to frame things as they affect you rather than the person you’re talking to, especially if you’re worried about coming off as aggressive yourself.

Communicating with someone about their passive-aggressive behavior

Expressing your frustration openly and patiently may give you the best chance of getting through to the person in question. Try to avoid accusations or statements that might incite guilt. Instead, focus on discussing why this sort of behavior can be hurtful to you.

Statements like “Sometimes, I feel like you don’t tell me when you’re upset with me. When that happens, I feel confused and don’t know how to make things better”, may be more well-received than accusations or questions that may put them on the defensive (e.g., “Why don’t you just say what you mean?”).

Addressing passive-aggressive behavior and mental health concerns in online therapy

Research suggests that online therapy can help individuals address passive-aggressive behavior, develop constructive communication skills, and navigate related mental health concerns. For example, in one study, researchers indicate that online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) led to “increased assertive behavior and reduced psychiatric symptoms”, including those of social anxiety disorder. The study also suggests that the educational component of the online therapy program helped participants learn the differences between passive-aggressive and constructive modes of interacting.  

If you’re seeking guidance and support as you work to develop healthy communication techniques, consider connecting with a licensed therapist online. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can discuss challenges with passive aggression remotely, through video call, voice call, or in-app messaging. BetterHelp works with a team of mental health professionals who have diverse skills and areas of expertise, so you’ll have a good chance of matching with someone who can address your specific concerns regarding behavioral patterns or communication.