How To Stop Sibling Bullying In Your Household
It's not unusual for siblings to argue, fight, and compete against each other from time to time. So how do you know when this common behavior crosses the line into harmful bullying? One study in pediatrics found that sibling aggression might indicate an issue.
Parents can watch for signs of bullying between their children
Watch for warning signs such as one sibling consistently making fun of or hitting the other, leading to anger in the victimized child. There are certain signs to be aware of that may indicate there's more conflict between the children and/or adolescents in your home than is healthy or safe.
After identifying some of these signs, we’ll point out a few tips that can help you put a stop to it.
What is sibling bullying (and what isn’t)?
Sometimes the line between what is considered normal sibling behavior and what is bullying can be quite fine. Observing how your children interact with each other and watching for the signs, like anger or depression anxiety, can help you identify which might be the case.
Be aware, not dismissive
It's important to be aware and honest with yourself about what you see, avoiding dismissing or laughing off harmful behaviors as horseplay since bullying can have negative effects on the victim, the perpetrator, and even the overall family dynamic.
Bullying behavior usually consists of the following components, according to a definition of bullying released by the CDC in 2014:
1. Unwanted aggressive behavior
This is the first component of the CDC's definition of bullying. It's characterized as unwanted, aggressive behavior that can take many forms. Among siblings, it may look like name-calling, intimidation, humiliation, destroying property of the other, and even physical violence. In some instances, an older child may target a younger one, or one sibling may become the primary perpetrator. Families should be aware of these dynamics and work to establish rules and a calm environment that discourages sibling bullies and promotes healthy relationships.
2. Repetition, or high likelihood of repetition
One-off conflicts typically don’t qualify as bullying. Instead, bullying usually happens repeatedly over time. If you notice one of your children consistently behaving badly to another—especially if it includes similar themes or methods each time—it could be a sign of bullying. The repetition of this behavior over time is also part of what can make it so harmful to the victim. In instances where the bullying extends beyond the home, such as in school or university, it's crucial for parents to be aware and collaborate with educators to resolve the issue.
3. Observed or perceived power imbalance
According to Dr. Dan Olweus, an associate professor, pioneer in bullying research, and the founder of the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, two individuals in a bullying situation cannot be approximately the same strength, physically or mentally. In other words, there’s generally always an imbalance of power in bullying situations. In siblings, this may be an age difference or a difference in physical size. Research in pediatrics shows that this element of bullying in particular may cause depressive symptoms in the victim because it can make them feel powerless to change the situation.
Other signs of bullying
Fighting between siblings that has crossed the line into bullying may also lack a true resolution. In non-bullying conflicts, rules can typically be established, and expected behavior followed, with all parties able to enjoy themselves and experience warmth toward one another afterward.
Lack of warmth or presence of malice
In a bullying relationship, however, you may notice that a sense of warmth is lacking between the two parties, even in an instance when they're not directly engaged in a conflict. Finally, some bullies may show signs of harmful intent: taking delight in the suffering of the victim, or showing no remorse when their victim is clearly upset or when they themselves are reprimanded for their behavior.
The lasting effects of bullying on children
One of the key reasons that it’s so important for parents, caregivers, or other adults to intervene in any type of bullying situation is that being a victim of this type of abuse can have lasting, harmful effects.
According to Stopbullying.gov, children who are bullied may display specific physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, bedwetting, nightmares, lower self-esteem, self-destructive behaviors, and avoidance of social situations during childhood.
Children who are bullied may have poorer outcomes
Over the long term, the effects can be even more severe. One review of research shows that, over their lives, victims of childhood bullying are:
- At greater risk of internalizing problems, especially in a way that can manifest as anxiety disorders and/or depression between ages 18–50
- Reported to have poor general health, including more bodily pain, headaches, and slower recovery from illnesses
- Found to have lower educational qualifications, be worse at financial management, and earn less than their peers even at age 50
- Reported to have more trouble making and keeping friends and to be less likely to live with a partner and have social support
Some conflict is normal—even healthy
However, research also shows that typical sibling conflict is not harmful when it is constructive and properly managed. If parents or caregivers can notice the signs and intervene promptly and helpfully to help children or adolescents relate in a healthier way, they may be able to avoid lasting negative consequences.
How to stop sibling bullying at home
As a parent or caregiver, what can you do to prevent or stop bullying behavior between children or adolescents? The following tips might help:
1. Supervise
It’s difficult to intervene in a bullying situation between your children if you don’t see it happen. Increasing adult supervision whenever possible can increase the likelihood of you noticing and putting a stop to bullying behaviors since they’re usually repeated over time. For the times when adults aren’t around, you can make it clear to each child or teenager that they can come to you or another adult for help when they experience this type of aggressive behavior from a sibling.
2. Don’t ignore—intervene
If you notice unusually aggressive behavior between your children, don’t write it off as a symptom of a harmless sibling rivalry. Intervening right away is typically the best course of action if you notice potential signs of bullying, especially if they’re persistent. Make it clear to all parties that physical and verbal abuse among them will not be tolerated. If you don’t notice positive changes as a result, you may want to consider some form of discipline to try and curb the behavior (like taking away privileges, or another form of healthy, constructive discipline you believe your child may respond to).
3. Introduce healthy conflict-resolution techniques
Children and adolescents may turn to forms of verbal or physical aggression to try and get what they want or otherwise handle a conflict. Teaching them that this is not acceptable is typically part one of a two-pronged solution, with the other part being to equip them with healthier methods. You might work with them—or seek out a mental health professional who specializes in children or adolescents to do so—on how to identify their feelings and then healthily handle them.
For example, some bullies may lash out because of stress or feelings of inadequacy. Helping kids learn to notice these feelings and find constructive rather than destructive ways to cope with them can help get to the root of bullying behavior and potentially shift their impulses over time. Children and adolescents may also benefit from learning some conflict-resolution techniques like the stoplight method, for example.
Getting guidance for navigating parenting challenges
Being a parent or primary caregiver of children or teenagers can be difficult at times. If you’re feeling frustrated or overwhelmed as you face challenges like stopping sibling bullying or any other trying element of parenting, a therapist can be someone to lean on. They can help you express, interpret, and manage your emotions related to parenting or other aspects of your life, develop strategies for self-care, and/or manage symptoms of any mental health conditions you may be experiencing, such as anxiety.
Online therapy for learning how to stop sibling bullying
Since research suggests that online therapy offers similar benefits to in-person sessions, it can be a convenient option for busy parents who want to connect with a counselor. If you’re interested in meeting with a licensed therapist online from the comfort of your own home, you can get matched with one through a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp.
Takeaway
Because sibling bullying can have such insidious and lasting effects on victims, it's important to stop it in its tracks. If you're looking for guidance in coping with the emotional challenges of parenting, especially when one child is involved in peer bullying, connecting with a therapist may help. This support can be particularly beneficial for students who spend a considerable amount of time with their siblings and may be more prone to experiencing angry outbursts or conflicts.
What should one do when siblings are mean to each other?
While it is common for siblings to be mean to each other sometimes, there are situations when that occasional strife can be a sign of something larger.
First, find out how serious the situation is by observing and questioning the kid’s behaviors. You may also get a bigger picture by asking the children’s teachers and other caregivers to do the same.
If you determine there is aggressive or physical abuse present, it’s vital to intervene immediately. Make sure all parties understand the behavior will not be tolerated and what will happen if it continues. In cases where parent intervention and punishment are ineffective, it may be helpful to get involved in family support groups and therapy.
What if they’re being unkind, but not aggressive?
For situations where aggression isn’t a worry, it may be helpful to try and understand each sibling’s perspective. Communicate with them together and separately to identify the reasons why they are mean to each other and try to establish empathy between them.
When you notice the behavior, intervene and separate, then address it when emotions aren’t running so hot. Let them know that you won’t tolerate disrespect in the household and outline the consequences clearly if it happens again. No matter how tense things may be, or how frustrated you may be, it’s crucial to speak respectfully. This sets an example for how you expect them to treat each other.
How do you deal with a bad sibling?
The definition of a “bad” sibling typically varies between people. For some, it means constant criticism or an absence of support. For others, it may mean their sibling is an aggressive bully. Dealing with a difficult adult sibling depends on your interpretation, but there are some things you may do to neutralize the situation and minimize the pain it causes:
Sometimes it’s best to agree to disagree
Not every argument has toxic consequences, and it’s worth remembering that you are different people with differing viewpoints about some things. As long as you can stay respectful, is possible to disagree without hostility or judgment.
But have a strategy for dealing with escalation
If a situation becomes too heated, it might be best to take a step back and revisit the conversation later. If this isn’t an option, try the “grey rock” method in low-risk interactions. If your sibling tries to start an argument, avoid engaging with them. Provide short, neutral responses and adjust your body language to reflect disinterest.
Often, an individual looking to start a fight does so because they want an emotional reaction— boredom or distraction is probably not the reaction they’re looking for. Such behavior may neutralize their aggression and cause them to lose interest in arguing with you.
Have a scripted response for recurrent behaviors
For example, if your sibling’s MO is to offer criticism or unsolicited advice, a simple “we’re different that way” or “you could have a point” may be good enough to end the interaction.
Establish personal boundaries
If your sibling’s behavior is constantly harmful or negative, let them know what you’ll tolerate and what you won’t.
Be selective about what you say
If your sibling has a desire to be “right” or is judgmental about your life choices, avoid divulging too much about your personal life. This minimizes opportunities for them to get under your skin.
Seek the point of view of someone you trust
Whether it’s a parent, friend, or another family, seek out different perspectives. As long as it doesn’t turn into a bashing session, you can gain insight into your relationship with your sibling that you may not have had before.
Take good care of yourself
Sometimes, you can't change others, but you can control your reactions and behaviors. Focus on your own well-being, hobbies, and activities that make you happy. There is often a close relationship between bullying and mental health, and it’s important to recognize when and how it affects you.
How do I stop sibling rivalry?
If you’re a parent or caregiver, you know it isn’t always easy to get young people to listen and follow the rules, but it’s the first step toward getting sibling rivalry under control.
Work together to establish a set of family rules specifically addressing the conflict. If you include them in the process, it gives them the opportunity to navigate the issue and solve problems independently.
For example, hitting is always unacceptable and results in serious consequences-- but hurtful speech is too. Perhaps lay out rules that include using respectful words to resolve disagreements. Depending on the situation, the children may come up with rules of their own such as asking before using each other’s belongings or knocking before entering each other’s bedroom. Finally, teach them how to set boundaries gently but firmly with each other.
Also, encourage them to practice empathy during arguments. If you can get them to understand each other’s point of view, you may be able to get them to talk through their conflicts respectfully. Part of teaching empathy is modeling the behavior. Show them that you use empathy to help them mediate their issues— and you use it to resolve conflicts in your own life.
What is a toxic sibling like?
Sometimes people make us upset or uncomfortable, but we can’t put our finger on why. If your sibling makes you feel frustrated and sad every time you get together, but you aren’t exactly sure why, there are a few signs that may indicate you have a toxic sibling—whether you’re young or an adult:
- You may not ask for their opinion— but they’ll compulsively point out the “flaws” in your behaviors, appearance, life choices, etc.
- They try to control your life.
- They use emotional manipulation strategies to get what they want such as crying or erupting in anger.
- They gaslight you and make you think you’re overreacting when you’re upset with them.
- They don’t seem to have any remorse when they do things that hurt you.
- You come away mentally and emotionally drained after spending time with them.
- They find ways to sabotage your relationships.
- They undermine your success when you receive recognition or attention from others.
- They always need to be right and you’re always wrong. In some cases, toxic siblings may exploit mistakes you’ve made in the past to “prove” this point.
- Everything is a competition and you somehow always come out the “loser.”
- They ignore you or intentionally leave you out to make you feel isolated.
- They’re verbally abusive and badmouth you behind your back.
- They always want to be the “favorite,” so they undermine or talk badly about you to the rest of your family.
Is it OK to cut off toxic siblings?
Cutting off a sibling with toxic traits may be warranted when they interfere with your mental health, relationships, and well-being— especially if your sibling isn’t willing or able to see they’ve repeatedly bullied you.
Only you can decide the right thing to do for your unique situation, but it isn’t a choice to be taken lightly. Take some time before making a decision. Get an outside perspective from someone you trust to be objective and honest with yourself. You may uncover new things about the nature of your relationship that hadn’t occurred to you before and that may affect how you handle the situation.
If you’re worried about cutting ties completely because you’d like future reconciliation, simply let them know you need to take a break.
What are the signs of a toxic brother?
Toxic brothers typically exhibit the same behaviors as those listed above that apply to any gender.
A toxic brother may turn everything into a competition, from relationships to workplace success. Conversations are often all about them, and they take little interest in your life. He may not respect your boundaries and find ways to make sure you value his needs above yours.
Toxic brothers may typically have ulterior motives and take no fault for their shortcomings. They might accuse you of overreacting when you address the things they do that hurt you.
Perhaps one of the biggest signs of a toxic brother is that you feel mentally and emotionally drained after spending time together. After you’re together, ask yourself if you feel better or worse than you did before.
Why do siblings annoy each other?
Bickering is a normal part of many sibling relationships, and there are many reasons why siblings may annoy one another. For example, competition and jealousy are common. Personality and temperament play a role in how well children (or anyone) get along, as does a child’s evolving needs as they grow and develop.
Why do parents create sibling rivalry?
Parents may try to maintain a semblance of control by pitting a child against their other siblings. They may instigate sibling rivalry because of insecurity, or they may be exposed to similar behaviors from their own parents. For example, victims of sibling bullying in childhood may project those experiences onto their children.
Mental health issues like depression and anxiety can also adversely affect parenting styles.
Regardless, parenting styles stem from a unique combination of past experiences within their own families, personality and temperament, and dynamics between themselves and other family members.
Are parents to blame for sibling rivalry?
There are many reasons for sibling rivalry, from jealousy to a need for parental attention. However, there are many studies indicating that parental involvement plays a large part, particularly where physical bullying is involved.
For example, researchers Finkelhor, Turner, and Tucker published a study in the Journal of Family Psychology to determine if there are common family traits that are more likely to influence sibling rivalry. Their findings suggest that there is a connection between sibling victimization, exposure to family violence, and inconsistent or harsh parenting.
Similarly, another 2015 Lancet Psychiatry study found that “Parenting quality and behavior are the intrafamilial factors most strongly associated with bullying between siblings.”
What should I do when my child hurts their sibling?
If you have a child who physically hurts their sibling, it can be difficult to know what to do to stop the behavior and replace it with positive behaviors. Here are some tips for what to do if your child hurts their sibling:
Attend to the bullied sibling first.
If your child hits their sibling, instead of disciplining them first, go to the hurt sibling and offer comfort. Explain to your child that there will be consequences for their behavior, and you’ll talk to them about it after you’ve established that their sibling is OK.
Establish clear boundaries and consequences for their behavior.
Set clear boundaries and explain what the consequences of their behavior will be if it continues. If necessary, give them some space and time to cool off so they may better understand what types of behaviors are unacceptable and what will happen if they engage in them. If (or when) the time comes, be sure to stay consistent with your expectations and consequences.
Help them recognize the emotions they’re feeling.
Strong emotions are typically at play when a child hurts another person, perhaps more so when that person is a sibling. Wait until they’ve had time to cool off then ask about their feelings beyond the act itself. For example, “Did you hit your sister because you were sad and didn’t know what to do about it?” or “Were you angry because of something that happened today?”
This might be a good way to show them they won’t be in trouble for having strong emotions, and you’re here to listen. It’s also a good way to explain how difficult emotions can sometimes result in behaviors that carry consequences, such as hurting their sibling.
Set aside quality time to spend together.
Let them choose an activity to do together and take time out every day to give them your full attention. Even if it’s just for thirty minutes, focusing on them completely can help you build connections and trust. It also shows them that they make you happy and you enjoy their company.
This type of engagement can help them develop better self-esteem and boost feelings of self-worth that can carry over into their sibling relationships. Your child will be more open to empathy when they know that the time you spend together is important to you.
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