Children's Divorce Counseling & Coping Skills
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Divorce rates in America may have declined over the past decade, but many marriages still end in divorce. Although divorce is not often enjoyable, it may be the best choice for both partners and any children they have.
The idea that an unhappy couple should stay together for the benefit of their kids can be a harmful myth, as trying to make a marriage work when it is unhealthy may do more harm than good. Younger children in such situations could witness a toxic, abusive, or otherwise unhealthy relationship, which may become their idea of what a relationship or marriage “should” look like. It may also tell them that they shouldn’t prioritize their needs or wants in future relationships as adults.
While divorce can be complicated and elicit intense emotions from everyone involved, whether a partner, toddler, or older child, it is a form of life transition. Divorce does not necessarily have to destroy a family—it can become a process of remaking a family, potentially into a happier and healthier unit.
How therapy can help
Because of the intense emotions and complicated logistics often associated with divorce, the process divorced parents often go through may affect children’s mental health—even if the parents or caregivers attempt to reduce parental conflict and stay cordial. Divorce counseling may be a way for your family to receive additional emotional support to cope with divorce.
How does divorce affect children?
Even if your child is mentally healthy and you and your former spouse work together to create as smooth a divorce process as possible, divorce can be a significant transition, and helping children cope can be beneficial. Divorce can sometimes have serious emotional and psychological impacts on children, which may lead to various challenges. School-age children may experience:
- Worsened academic performance
- Earlier sexual activity
- Increased likelihood of substance use
- Mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Acting out in school or with their peers
- Damaged relationships with one or both parents
- Difficulty forming relationships with new family members, such as stepparents or stepsiblings
- Aggressive behavior or displays of anger
A children's divorce counselor may help your child cope and provide emotional support as they navigate the adjustment period during the divorce and the new reality immediately after the divorce process, which can be the most emotionally fraught time frame for many children. They can reassure children and help them process disruptions to their former lifestyle and daily routines.
Divorce counselors are trained in various therapeutic techniques, such as play therapy, that may help a child feel more comfortable connecting and communicating their emotions. These professionals can also provide them with coping skills for managing their complex emotions healthily and facilitate conversations within the family, potentially helping heal tensions and repair relationships.
For blended families that may involve stepparents, stepsiblings, and half-siblings, a children’s divorce counselor may help foster a connection between children's new family members.
Children's divorce counseling: Supporting children during and after divorce
Even in situations where divorce has been determined to be the healthiest choice for the family’s overall health in the long run, initiating and completing a divorce can be intense for everyone in the family. Many parents may seek therapy themselves following divorce to address feelings ranging from low self-esteem to fear to grief and anxiety.
The thought of their family situation changing through their parents’ divorce can cause a child anxiety and stress. In addition to possible divorce counseling for your child, divorced parents may be able to help their children by understanding how to reassure them during and after the divorce process. Below are a few ways to start helping children of all ages through this difficult time in your family.
Express love and be present
After a divorce, let your children know that you and your ex-spouse love them, that they are still a priority in your lives, and that both former spouses will do their best to ask them what they need and be there for them—even if the family no longer lives together.
Talk about the divorce process
Talk to your children about the logistics of divorce, such as when they will be spending time with either parent, potential changes in your child’s school, possible relocation, and potential financial insecurities. Keeping these challenges from your children may cause them to be in the dark about why their lives are changing, leading them to potentially feel rejected or struggle with trust. Parents and children can work together to give information about the process, as children of divorce are part of the family unit and deserve support and guidance.
It may also be helpful to talk to a child psychologist about how much logistical information to discuss with your child based on age and development level. Young children may feel confused by the complexity of custody, whereas teenagers may want more agency in determining their living situation. If you struggle to have this conversation with your children, regardless of their age, you may consider talking to them with a marriage and family therapist present. If you do not have an amicable divorce, you might consider whether one parent can show up for family therapy each week to discuss the children’s behavior.
Validate their feelings
Acknowledge all your children’s thoughts and emotions, even if those thoughts and emotions are complicated, uncomfortable, volatile, or contradictory. Allow your children to spend time with and express those feelings safely and validate them as much as you can. For example, try not to tell your child their feelings are “wrong”, “crazy”, “stupid”, or “senseless”.
In addition to being present in your child’s life, ensure they can discuss their thoughts and emotions around the divorce with people who are not their parents, which may include other family members, school counselors, teachers, or a children’s divorce counselor.
Consider family counseling in addition to children's divorce counseling
Consider family therapy, whether that involves one parent meeting with the other parent to discuss logistics with a divorce counselor without children present or regular therapy sessions with everyone to discuss concerns as a family.
Seeking divorce counseling for your child
Divorce can be an intense, emotional process for a family and can also present logistical challenges. For instance, if you and your former spouse take part in custody of your children, you might spend a lot of time transporting the children between residences, coordinating and communicating with your former spouse on essential parenting decisions, child support, and taking on additional responsibilities with a new partner or stepchildren.
With the hectic scheduling that sometimes accompanies blended families, you may have difficulty taking on additional responsibilities, such as attending an in-person family therapy or divorce counseling appointment. In these cases, online counseling through a platform like BetterHelp may be a beneficial alternative.
Research shows that online therapy benefited children and parents experiencing turbulence like divorce. Research has also demonstrated that receiving therapy online can be as effective as therapy sought through traditional in-person sessions. Online therapy could be helpful if you are seeking mental health support for yourself or your children as your family is navigating divorce. In addition, if you opt for online couples therapy through a platform like Regain, you and your ex-spouse can talk to a counselor together from two locations.
Takeaway
Navigating a divorce can be complicated and stressful for anyone but having children may bring in a few extra steps. While divorce may be the best choice for your family, it can be challenging for children to experience – but they don’t need to suffer alone.
Connecting your children with support through divorce counseling may be helpful. If complex custody schedules and blended family logistics make it challenging to seek traditional in-person therapy, online therapy is another tool for your family.
How can you begin helping children cope with divorce?
Maintaining a consistent routine that is similar to their life pre-divorce can help to provide a familiar sense of stability and keep their minds off of what has been lost or changed. In a similar vein, introducing extracurricular activities that can help them process their emotions in a healthy way can provide opportunities for resilience and new social connections. Ensure that, while the children are at home, they feel comfortable communicating openly about their feelings, whether they are sad, angry, or confused; this, too, will help them process the divorce as they adjust to a new way of life. Finally, communicate with your co-caregiver to implement consistent rules and values. Being on the same page with your co-caregiver will allow the children to experience a sense of stability and unity, even if their new routines split their time between households.
What type of therapy is best for children of divorce?
The best type of therapy for children of divorce depends on the child’s needs and circumstances. Family therapy can be highly beneficial as it helps repair family bonds and allows all family members to process the life change together. If the child is too young to express themselves effectively verbally, play therapy is another approach that uses play as a medium through which they may be better able to express and process their feelings. Lastly, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may help older children reframe negative thoughts and develop healthy coping mechanisms during this period of change in their family life.
At what age is a child most affected by divorce?
There is not one specific age at which children will always be most affected, but children between ages 6 and 12 are often most affected by divorce. At these ages, they are old enough to understand the change but not mature enough to fully process their emotions around it. Teenagers may also experience a deeper impact of a divorce, often showing anger or withdrawal in response as they try to reconcile with the fact that their family life will fundamentally change.
While they may not understand the implications of a divorce, infants and toddlers can still be affected, especially if extensive disruptions in their routines create emotional distress that they are developmentally unable to process.
How long does it take for a child to adjust their coping skills for divorce?
Every child is different, and so the adjustment period will vary based on their developmental abilities, coping skills, and circumstances. Most children need a year or two to develop effective coping mechanisms for divorce. Supportive environments, regular check-ins with a mental health professional, and involvement in new routines can help reinforce coping strategies and potentially speed up their emotional adjustment.
What should you not say to kids during a divorce?
- Do not make promises you cannot keep. For example, do not promise that things will “go back to normal,” especially if you know that isn’t possible.
- Avoid being negative to children about the co-caregiver. Putting kids in a position to pick sides can create confusion, loyalty conflicts, and harmful family dynamics.
- Do not dismiss their feelings by claiming that the divorce isn’t a big deal or is “for the best.” Acknowledging their hurt is essential for a child’s recovery and promotes trust and resilience.
- Do not put emotional responsibility on a child by saying, “You have to be strong for me.” Such sentiments are burdensome and suppress a child’s natural responses.
Should children of divorce go to family therapy?
Family therapy and other therapeutic approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be highly effective tools for children of divorce, as they can teach and reinforce healthy coping strategies and speed up their emotional processing of the foundational shift in their lives.
Family therapy sessions can help repair family bonds and provide a safe space where children can express their sadness, anger, or confusion about the situation. This environment can also be an opportunity for parents to model constructive emotional responses, promoting sustainable healing and useful life skills.
What is the best schedule for children of divorce?
A consistent routine is crucial for children to maintain stability and emotional security. Shared custody schedules can provide predictability that can help to ground children through the upheaval of divorce. Custody schedules may need to be tailored to the child’s needs and age. Integrating extracurricular activities into their routine can also help to maintain a sense of normalcy and foster social connections.
How can I make divorce less painful for kids?
Prioritize family life stability with open communication and cooperative co-parenting that exhibits appropriate emotional responses and mutual respect between all parties. Maintaining a regular routine can help ground children in a predictable daily schedule within and without the family.
Is it better to stay together for a child?
Staying together in a high-conflict relationship may not benefit the child’s emotional development and overall well-being. The best environment for a child is supportive, stable, and grounded in routine and mutual respect. Prioritizing a cooperative family life post-divorce may be more beneficial and sustainable than staying in an unhappy or toxic marriage.
How can I get a divorce without affecting my kids’ mental health?
- Be proactive in creating a consistent routine to provide stability and a sense of normalcy.
- Be transparent, honest, and age-appropriate when discussing the divorce, ensuring you and your co-caregiver reinforce the same messaging.
- Offer safe spaces for open expression. Family therapy is an effective tool for emotional processing and the development of healthy coping mechanisms.
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