Discernment Counseling: Considering Divorce In Couples Therapy
Some marriages may go through time periods when conflict and disagreements can feel like too much to overcome. Spouses may get to the point where a decision needs to be made regarding whether to enter the divorce process or take an alternative approach to address concerns in the marriage. In these cases, discernment counseling can help couples make that decision. Many people find it helpful to seek the advice of a discernment counselor to get an outside perspective, receive guidance, and have someone neutral to talk to about their thoughts and feelings.
What leads couples to consider divorce?
Conflicts that can lead a couple to contemplate divorce might arise for a variety of reasons, ranging from personality conflicts that seem irreconcilable to a failure to effectively communicate. The following are common reasons couples experience tension that may benefit from discernment counseling:
Financial difficulties
If spouses have different opinions or values regarding the use and management of money, this disconnect can cause strain on a marriage. Financial duress can lead to the loss of possessions or the inability to pay monthly expenses, which can create further conflict and increase the tension between spouses.
Children from previous relationships
Establishing parent-child roles can be hard with a spouse’s children from a previous relationship. Enforcing rules and setting boundaries may be complicated for the other partner, and this dynamic can produce difficult emotions for the children and the parents.
Ineffective communication
Many times, spouses don’t know how to talk to and understand one another. Trouble communicating can cause major disruptions in a relationship, often leading partners to feel ignored or disregarded. Marital and family therapy, including discernment counseling, can help spouses enhance their connection and gain a deeper understanding of one another’s perspectives.
Lack of sexual intimacy
When a couple is not on the same page regarding intimacy, conflict can arise. Professional medical advice can sometimes resolve this type of concern if one partner has an underlying medical issue affecting intimacy. In other cases, family therapists can uncover and potentially resolve the source of a lack of intimacy.
Extramarital affairs
Trust can be broken when one partner is unfaithful, making rebuilding the relationship difficult. Research shows that infidelity is one of the most common contributing factors to divorce.
What is discernment counseling?
It was originally developed by Bill Doherty, PhD, at the Doherty Relationship Institute in Minnesota. Discernment counseling is a widely accepted type of couples therapy among mental health experts.
The initial commitment for the couple is typically a two-hour session. During this session, each person decides separately if they would like one more session, up to a maximum of five. The goals for treatment are clarity and confidence in the direction of the marriage, based on a deeper understanding of what has happened in the past and each person's contributions to the underlying concerns.
Unlike traditional couples counseling, discernment counseling focuses on helping couples decide whether they are interested in continuing their relationship or if their marriage has reached its conclusion and it is time to talk about next steps. This type of therapy can be especially useful for “mixed agenda” couples, or those where one partner wants to divorce (known as the “leaning out partner”), and one does not. For these couples, discernment counseling can help reduce conflict between partners if they decide to separate, possibly easing the strain of their separation or divorce.
A couple’s discernment counseling intervention will typically lead to one of three outcomes: maintaining the status quo and remaining married, beginning the process of divorce or separation, or entering into a six-month commitment to engage in continued counseling help, with divorce off the table for that timeframe. Discernment counseling can facilitate communication between spouses, even when previous attempts at marital therapy were not successful.
Discernment counseling sessions aim to give a couple the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings regarding their hope for the future of their marriage. This part of the therapy is typically a brief process, often lasting for about five sessions, that focuses on getting a couple to the point of deciding whether they wish to pursue more in-depth help to preserve their marriage, or if they feel that it is in their best interest to divorce.
Benefits of discernment counseling
Discernment counseling can create an environment of patience that allows many couples the opportunity to process their own feelings while setting a positive tone for their future relationship, married or not.
Discernment counseling gives both spouses an opportunity to not only discuss their current feelings, but to explore their concerns and anticipated needs for the future. It offers couples a chance to reflect upon the positive and negative aspects of their marriage and to consider what changes, if any, can help prevent the end of their marriage.
If a couple chooses to pursue marriage counseling, they may find that communication is less of a struggle after discernment counseling. Mixed agenda couples can clarify which issues are most central to their conflicts. Additionally, identifying conflicts prior to engaging in marriage counseling can be helpful as each partner can learn to focus on what they can do to help improve the relationship, or how to amicably start the separation process.
Couples who participate in discernment counseling and decide that ending the marriage is the best option may find that settling issues related to divorce is easier, which can have a positive impact on mental and emotional health and may help prevent financial hardships related to divorce.
Additionally, the discernment therapist may meet with each spouse separately for individual conversations. Meeting with spouses separately allows each person to express feelings of uncertainty or frustration with someone who is objective. When the spouses are brought together, the discernment counselor can guide the session through their knowledge of what each person has been thinking and feeling, while providing the couple with an opportunity to work through their ideas about the direction of their relationship and whether ending the marriage is really the best option.
Differences between marriage and discernment counseling
While both marriage counseling and discernment counseling focus on marriage and relationships, there are differences. Discernment counseling is relatively short-term compared to marriage counseling, which may last several months or longer. If you choose to participate in discernment counseling and decide that more comprehensive marriage counseling is what you and your spouse want, you can talk with your counselor about transitioning from one to the other. Most counselors who offer discernment counseling also have university training in more general areas of marriage and family therapy and may be able to offer their services to you as you pursue rebuilding your marriage. Alternatively, they may provide you with a referral to another counselor.
What happens if you choose divorce?
Divorce may not be the solution that was originally hoped for, but it may be the solution that makes the most sense for your situation. This outcome does not mean that your relationship is a failure or that future relationships will end in divorce or separation. It simply means that you and your spouse have decided divorce is the best course of action for you.
Divorce can be an emotional journey. Learning to live life independently, rather than as part of a couple, can feel foreign and overwhelming. Because of this, it can be helpful to seek divorce counseling or individual therapy during and after a divorce.
Benefits of working with a therapist online
An increasingly large body of evidence points to online therapy as a useful method of counseling for couples in distress. A wide-ranging analysis of an online course of therapy interventions for couples found that treatment could enhance relationship function and improve symptoms of individual mental health concerns. Researchers noted that online therapy can address common barriers to treatment present with in-person therapy, including geographical limitations, high costs, and time constraints.
Consider looking for discernment counselors who offer online therapy
If you’re working through complicated emotions regarding relationship concerns and a possible divorce, consider utilizing an online therapy platform like BetterHelp. With BetterHelp, you can be matched with one of thousands of licensed mental health professionals based on your preferences and areas of concern. And because there are no costs associated with office space or similar forms of overhead, online therapy is affordable—BetterHelp subscriptions start at $65 to $100 per week (based on factors such as your location, referral source, preferences, therapist availability and any applicable discounts or promotions that might apply), and you can cancel anytime.
Takeaway
When faced with the hard decision of working on or ending a marriage, many people don’t know where to turn. If you’re in a similar situation, discernment counseling can help you evaluate your circumstances and feelings so that you and your partner can decide what you want and need for the future of your relationship. For further help with the complicated emotions that can accompany relationship tension, consider reaching out to a mental health professional online. No matter what happens in your relationship, you deserve to move forward in life and thrive.
What is discernment counseling?
Discernment counseling, sometimes referred to as divorce discernment counseling, is a type of therapy for couples on the brink of divorce who would like neutral guidance from a third party on whether they should recommit to their marriage or begin divorce proceedings.
What is the process of discernment counseling?
The process of discernment counseling might vary slightly depending on a couple's specific needs, but it typically begins with an individual interview between the therapist and each partner. This is so the therapist can assess the situation, understand each partner's perspective, and determine their level of commitment to the process.
If all parties agree to participate actively, the therapist will clarify three different possible outcomes to the process:
Commit to therapy
When a couple decides to commit to the therapeutic process, they'll proceed with the understanding that they're there to address the problems in the relationship, examine all possibilities, and move forward together with clarity and confidence—regardless of whether they decide to stay together or separate by the end of therapy.
Divorce
Discernment counseling can help couples save their marriage, but it can also help provide a clearer perspective on divorce if they've decided that's the best option for their unique situation.
Keep the status quo
Some couples leave discernment counseling without resolution and are unclear about what they want for the relationship's future. In such cases, they can still benefit from improved communication and a deeper understanding of the issues in the relationship.
Discernment therapy is designed to be a shorter-term process, usually featuring five (or fewer, depending on the couple) intensive sessions. The first is typically two hours, with 11/2-hour sessions after that. During this period, the counselor might ask questions like:
- How long have you been together?
- How would you rate your listening, communication, and conflict-resolution skills?
- What is your level of intimacy?
- When did the issues begin?
- How often do you argue? What are some common triggers for your arguments?
- What are your parenting styles? Are you united in how you parent the children, or is it a source of conflict?
- What are some of the best times you've experienced together?
- What is your goal for counseling?
- What are your boundaries? What are you willing to do to move forward and improve the relationship regardless of the outcome?
How does a therapist conduct discernment counseling?
Throughout the therapeutic process, the counselor will continue to speak with each member independently. In subsequent sessions, the therapist will encourage each partner to provide their unique perspective on the relationship and continue to ask questions to gather information and for the partners to reflect upon independently and perhaps identify their own contributions to the problems.
What are the goals of discernment counselors?
The primary goal of discernment counseling is to establish a clear consensus (if possible) on which direction the couple wants the relationship to go and how they will move forward, regardless of whether they decide to stay together or separate.
Does discernment counseling help?
Research on discernment counseling is ongoing, but existing studies indicate it can be a highly effective tool for couples. In one example, the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy conducted a phenomenological study of individuals who participated in discernment counseling with their then-partners to understand 1) the impact it had on their post-divorce relationship as co-parents and 2) the impact it had on their experience of the divorce process.
The participants' overall experience of the process centered around three main themes:
Achieving honesty and clarity
Discernment counseling helped many of the participants achieve greater clarity and honesty about their marriage and their own contributions to the issues in the marriage. Many participants reported that these insights helped cultivate greater self-awareness and informed how they approached future relationships. Individuals also said that discernment counseling provided a forum to be honest with each other about their feelings and a space to communicate the things they couldn't or wouldn't have without a therapeutic mediator. Additionally, the participants reported that the process provided the tools for developing acceptance and resolution for all parties.
Appreciation for the structure of the intervention
The study participants reported that discernment counseling reduced ambivalence about divorce and allowed them to move forward in a more informed, decisive, and supportive manner. It provided the couples with a platform where their perspectives could be understood and acknowledged by their former spouse. Discernment counseling also proved to be a valuable tool in understanding what they might expect and learning to navigate the impacts of divorce independently and as a family unit.
Co-parent cooperation post-divorce
While not every couple found it beneficial, discernment counseling helped most participants learn to work together more productively during the divorce process and co-parent in a more balanced and functional way.
What is the difference between discernment counseling and couples therapy?
Discernment counseling is a short-term process of intensive counseling to help couples decide if they want to stay together and work on the relationship or come to an agreement that divorce is the best option. Alternatively, marital and family therapy often focuses on building stronger communication, problem-solving, and empathy between partners to improve the relationship. Marriage and family therapy is typically a longer-term process that may take months rather than weeks.
What is discernment in psychology?
Within a psychological context, discernment can be defined as the ability to perceive and understand the underlying intentions, emotions, and motives of oneself and others. It involves the capacity to make sound, intentional decisions based on a deeper understanding of human behavior that is in alignment with one's personal values. It also involves understanding the differences between influences that contribute to one's psychological well-being and those that may cause harm.
It's an essential skill for navigating relationships, work life, academic endeavors, and social situations empathetically and effectively. Developing discernment is often a highly personal process, but there are a few core things you might focus on when cultivating better discernment in your own daily life:
Self-reflection
Take time to reflect on your own thoughts and feelings and how they influence your behaviors. This can help you identify patterns in your responses and reactions in different situations that embody good discernment versus unhealthy discernment. Additionally, this self-awareness allows you to better understand your own biases and fallacies of belief.
Cultivating empathy
Putting yourself in someone else's shoes and trying to understand their motivations and emotions can help you see beyond surface-level interactions and develop a deeper understanding of their perspective.
Improving emotional intelligence
Work on recognizing and managing your own emotions as well as understanding and responding to the emotions of others. Practicing emotional intelligence can help you navigate complex social situations and make more informed, balanced decisions.
Strengthening critical thinking skills
Consider multiple perspectives, question assumptions, and evaluate evidence before making decisions. Critical thinking can help you avoid cognitive biases in order to make more rational, informed choices.
Inviting feedback from others
Ask for feedback from trusted friends, family, or colleagues to gain insight into how others perceive you and your interactions. This can help you identify "blind spots" and improve your discernment.
Practicing mindfulness
Mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing exercises, meditation, or yoga can help you stay focused and present in the moment, allowing you to better observe and understand your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
Educating yourself
Read and learn about human behavior, psychology, and interpersonal relationships. Books, blogs, articles, and research on these aspects can provide insight and perspective to enhance your discernment.
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