Premarital Counseling: Benefits & More
Getting married can be a significant life milestone for many people. As soon as you said "yes" or popped the question, you may have envisioned the life ahead of you and your partner. However, part of the planning that goes into your marriage and life after the big day may include preparing for challenges.
Many couples elect to attend couples counseling pre-marriage, before their wedding ceremony. Couples counselors can prompt partners to consider questions and scenarios they might not have discussed and give couples a safe space to practice healthy problem-solving and coping skills before they marry. Any couple can try premarital counseling online or face-to-face, regardless of their relationship's health. Many couples use premarital counseling to discuss and process potential concerns before they occur. In short, premarital counseling can help by offering effective strategies to build a solid foundation for your relationship.
Practice makes (almost) perfect
While a "perfect" union may not occur, premarital counseling could help you and your partner address issues that married couples often face.
You may be asking, "What is premarital counseling?" and how it might be a useful tool for future married couples. Did you know that counseling can provide a future married couple with conflict resolution skills and strategies? For example, they may learn to discuss sensitive topics like spending money or having children.
Often, the purpose of this proactive strategy is to prevent couples from engaging in unhealthy behavior that could cause challenges in the future. Examples of some topics that are discussed during a premarital counseling program include the following:
- Individual and joint finances
- Parenting styles
- Communication styles
- Conflict resolution strategies
- Decision-making styles
- Roles in the marriage
- Family therapy
What makes a healthy marriage?
93% of Americans think a healthy marriage is one of the most important life goals. However, the divorce rate is high in the US. Although many couples begin their relationship with the best intentions, challenges may occur.
A healthy marriage might also include the following:
- Healthy boundaries
- Respect
- Trust
- Honesty
- Openness
- Humor, laughter, and fun
- Emotional intimacy
- Commitment and willingness
What are therapy styles used in premarital counseling?
Depending on your background, reasons for seeking support, personality, and your partner's personality, there are different types of premarital counseling. Choosing the most effective type of premarital education based on these factors might increase its effectiveness and the benefits you receive from the experience.
Faith-based premarital therapy
Generally, faith-based sessions can be conducted in a combination of different styles, including group courses, one-on-one meetings with a religious advisor, or compatibility tests. For many people, religious beliefs are a part of how they approach married life.
If your partner's religion differs from yours, you might also address these differences during counseling sessions.
If you engage in religious or spiritually-based counseling, ensure you meet with a counselor with a degree in counseling, proper state licensure, and experience with couples. Sometimes, a religious leader offers premarital counseling or support but is not licensed to provide mental health advice. You can check a therapist's license status through your state licensing board by phone, email, or mail.
One-on-one professional therapy
One-on-one premarital counseling sessions can teach you how to tackle common issues related to long-term commitment struggles. You may have opportunities to ask questions and work through potential issues before they grow. Many licensed marriage and family therapists accept insurance if you're seeking premarital counseling and are concerned about the cost.
Different approaches to premarital counseling
Below are a few other premarital tools you and your partner might utilize.
Online courses
You may answer premarital counseling questions in a quiz format and receive customized feedback based on what the survey finds through an online course. At the end of the course, you may receive a certificate of completion as a reminder of your commitment to your marriage. For example, the Gottman Institute offers a variety of couples workshops and courses like this following the Gottman Method, a research based approach to relationships. However, some courses may not be led by a licensed counselor. Take the information you learn from an online course in stride and ensure you reach out to a licensed provider or doctor for further guidance.
Compatibility tests or questionnaires
These assessments may be used as a resource to help facilitate your individual growth and ability to offer proper support to your partner during your marriage. Many can be found that are created by therapists with a background in couples or family psychology. They can be a fun way to start conversations and discuss certain areas, such as your love language.
Group courses and discussions
Group sessions often occur in community centers with other soon-to-be-married couples. You and your partner may learn about new conflict-resolution strategies you may not have considered. Group courses and discussions may tackle subjects you might learn in couples therapy with a less personalized lens, or have discussions around marriage self-help books.
Benefits of couples therapy
One of the many benefits of working with marriage and family therapists that couples often overlook is that it may not only improve their relationship and ability to communicate but also reduce conflict. Therapy could also set the stage for both individuals to seek professional guidance if they experience relationship struggles later in their marriage.
It can encourage struggling partners to seek mental health therapy
In one study, researchers determined that couples who worked with marriage and family therapists before marriage were more likely to request an appointment with mental health professionals or a marriage and family therapist if they had problems after marriage. Both couples and individuals in the relationship may reap the following benefits from participating in premarital counseling.
Mutual goals and resolutions for your marriage
By discussing beforehand what you hope to get out of your marriage, you can determine your goals and potential resolutions for common marriage conflicts. When you both understand your goals and wants for the relationship, even when it comes to difficult conversations like sex or resolving conflict, you may feel more compassionate toward your partner and understand their motivations for specific actions.
Adaption to new communication styles
Another of the potential benefits of premarital counseling is that you may learn how to adapt to each other's communication styles to ensure that you'll be able to successfully talk through potential problems and resolve conflict, instead of ignoring or arguing about them. If you communicate differently, your therapist can teach you what this means and how to tackle it.
Anticipation of conflicts before they occur
Pre-marriage therapy can help you work through potential short-term conflicts before they occur to ensure that differences do not lead to difficult issues or long-term challenges.
Understanding of marriage anxiety
During your joint sessions, you might confront possible causes for anxiety and work through them. Facing issues head-on could help you and your partner feel reassured that marriage is the next positive step for your relationship. If one of you doesn't feel ready for marriage, your therapist can help you discuss it and devise solutions or compromises.
Strategies for premarital counseling success
If you and your spouse-to-be decide that professional support is for you, there are ways you can ensure you get the most benefit out of the experience. These include the following:
- Understanding that premarital counseling may be challenging
- Reducing the temptation to "cheat" or downplay thoughts and opinions to make it seem like you and your significant other are completely compatible
- Letting go of the idea of a "winner" and "loser"
- Respecting that time with your therapist is a "safe zone" and that what you discuss with them can't be fuel for future arguments or "I told you so" moments
Family systems and relationships can be beneficial to the health of a marriage. Develop a healthy relationship with both sides of the family, if possible. Family involvement can be essential for many people as they work to build a solid foundation for their marriage.
"How can I find premarital counseling near me?" If you and your fiancé(e) have decided to embark on this journey, plenty of resources are available to help find a professional counselor for your intimate relationship needs.
Marriage and family counseling options
Today's busy couples may have trouble scheduling in-office appointments. Along with managing individual responsibilities like work and family, the time leading up to a wedding may be busy. Online counseling through a platform like BetterHelp can be convenient for busy couples who are serious about strengthening their relationship, but have trouble committing to in-person sessions with a couples counselor.
Online marriage and family therapy
Not only is preparing for a wedding time-consuming, but it can also be expensive. For some, it may be difficult to afford premarital counseling, due to premarital counseling costs. Online therapy is often a more affordable option for couples than in-person therapy, which can reduce stress leading to a wedding celebration. It can also be as effective. In one study published in 2022, researchers divided 30 couples into two groups to receive face-to-face or video-conferencing couples therapy. After six sessions, results indicated no difference in benefits between the two groups, which both experienced improvements in relationship satisfaction and individual mental health.
Attending therapy online can offer engaged couples the convenience they seek to maintain their busy lives while preparing for their new connection.
Takeaway
What is the point of pre-marriage counseling?
Pre-marriage (also called premarital) counseling helps couples lay a foundation for a healthier, more balanced marriage in the long run. It builds communication skills and gives the couple tools to address potential conflict areas.
What is the meaning of premarital counseling?
Premarital counseling is a type of couples counseling that helps people identify and resolve relationship issues, strengthen their bonds, and set long-term goals before they commit to marriage.
What are the problems with premarital counseling?
For most, premarital counseling is a healthy, productive way to prepare for the coming changes in the relationship. However, some people might experience downsides to going to counseling before the wedding. For example, complex or unexpected issues that are challenging to work through might arise. Premarital counseling could be difficult or ineffective if both parties aren’t entirely committed to the therapeutic process. Additionally, couples might find premarital counseling to be unaffordable, have a hard time coordinating schedules, or face challenges finding the right therapist.
What is the success rate of premarital counseling?
There are few current studies on premarital counseling outcomes, but older research indicates that couple’s therapy is highly effective. For example, one study published in Family Journal surveyed 46 couples and found “statistically significant improvements in relationship satisfaction for men and women who completed premarital counseling.” Also, studies suggest that couples who attend premarital education programs have a greater willingness to seek professional help for marital issues after marriage—which can have a significant impact on reducing divorce rates.
What are the top 3 things that couples should discuss during premarital counseling and why?
Premarital counseling often covers several key areas to help couples prepare for marriage. The issues that couples should prioritize in premarital counseling will likely differ between couples and their circumstances. Part of the process includes identifying and addressing the potential areas of conflict they face and how that might play out as they make the long-term commitment to marriage. Here are some of the most common issues discussed and why they’re necessary to address:
- Communication: Couples often express themselves and respond to stress differently. Communication is critical in any relationship, and understanding and improving communication can prevent misunderstandings and help build a stronger foundation in the future.
- Conflict management: Most couples experience conflict, but how they handle it can determine the health of their relationship. Premarital counseling teaches conflict resolution skills, helping couples constructively navigate disagreements.
- Financial management: Money is one of the most significant sources of conflict in marriage. Part of addressing finances in premarital counseling involves settling from both parties of any debts each partner will bring into the marriage. Discussions about budgeting, saving, spending habits, and financial goals help couples align their expectations and create a financial plan.
- Sex and intimacy: Physical and emotional intimacy is a critical component of marriage. Couples discuss their expectations, desires, and any concerns related to intimacy to ensure they are on the same page and to build a healthy sexual relationship.
- Role expectations: Each partner may have different expectations regarding roles, work, parenting, and social responsibilities. Clarifying these roles early helps prevent frustration and ensures both partners feel satisfied and supported.
- Family and friends: It can create tension when partners don’t like or get along with the other’s friends or family. Counseling helps couples establish boundaries, navigate complex family dynamics, and agree on how much influence families will have on the marriage.
- Kids and parenting: In some relationships, couples are not in agreement about or haven’t discussed whether they want children or how many. This is a critical topic to address to avoid future conflicts related to family planning. Additionally, if couples do agree on having children, they may benefit from discussing parenting philosophies to ensure they maintain a strong partnership when raising a child.
- Spirituality and values: Some premarital counseling programs are religiously based, and some are not. However, having shared values and alignment around religious beliefs and spiritual practices (if applicable) can strengthen any marriage. Discussing these aspects helps couples understand each other's beliefs and how they will integrate them into their life together.
- Life goals and future planning: Aligning long-term goals, such as career aspirations, where to live, and lifestyle preferences, helps couples plan a future that satisfies both partners. It also helps prevent future disappointments if expectations differ.
- Commitment and trust: Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Discussing trust, loyalty, and commitment concerns helps couples address any insecurities and build a strong, trusting bond.
What is the timeline for premarital counseling?
There is no specific timeline for how long couples should attend premarital counseling. The length and frequency of treatment will typically vary with the couple's needs. Many attend therapy once weekly for anywhere between two to six months. Sessions usually take one or two hours. There are also intensive weekend programs or group counseling options where you may participate in counseling with other couples. Some organizations offer online therapy programs such as the Gottman Method workshops and courses.
How long before the wedding should a couple begin making preparations?
This also depends on the couple's unique needs and what type of therapy they agree is the best fit. Most premarital counselors suggest beginning therapy as soon as possible, even if you haven’t set a date or begun wedding planning.
Do most people do premarital counseling?
According to a recent study by The Knot, Generation Z and millennials attend premarital counseling at significantly higher rates than past generations—45% and 31%, respectively.
Why should engaged couples go through premarital counseling?
Overall, premarital counseling equips couples with the tools, knowledge, and confidence to navigate the complexities of marriage, fostering a healthier and more resilient partnership. Here are some of the specific reasons why engaged couples should go through premarital counseling:
- It helps couples develop practical communication skills, learn to express their needs, listen actively, and resolve conflicts in a healthy way
- It provides tools for resolving disagreements, teaching partners how to address issues calmly and find compromises
- It allows couples to discuss their expectations for marriage, including roles, responsibilities, and long-term goals
- It helps couples align their financial expectations and prepare for managing shared finances
- It provides couples with a comfortable space to explore and navigate their challenges and differences respectfully
- It deepens emotional intimacy by fostering open and honest conversations about hopes, fears, and goals for the future
- It may reduce the risk of divorce for some couples by giving them a platform on which to build a strong foundation, identify potential issues early, and develop strategies to handle challenges
- It encourages couples to discuss critical topics such as children, parenting styles, career goals, and sexual expectations, which might not have been thoroughly addressed otherwise
- It helps couples establish a support system with a counselor who can be a resource throughout their marriage
- It can help couples assess their compatibility and readiness for marriage, ensuring that they are making an informed decision
What is the appropriate duration of an effective premarital program for marriage?
Several factors might influence how long couples should attend premarital counseling services. For example, if the couple has been together for a long time, they may have already addressed many of the issues they would otherwise discuss in counseling. Couples who already have strong communication and conflict resolution might not need to attend as many sessions.
Couples facing challenges associated with past traumas, infidelity, or other serious issues may need to spend a longer time in treatment. Some people might bring individual matters to the relationship that need to be addressed, which might prolong counseling—for example, physical or mental health challenges or negative experiences in past relationships. The couple’s willingness to commit to the therapeutic process can have an impact on how long they’ll be in counseling, as can the counselor’s approach or the scope of topics they need to address.
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