Should We See A Marriage Counseling Therapist?

If you and your partner are experiencing consistent disagreements in your marriage, or you worry that the spark is gone, it may be time to talk to a marriage counseling therapist. Marriage counseling therapists can help with a variety of relationship concerns, including trust issues, financial disagreements, parenting conflicts, rebuilding intimacy, and more.

Learning more about various marriage counseling methods may help you and your spouse understand the specific ways in which marriage therapy may be able to help your relationship. In this article, we’ll explore different types of marriage counseling and how they can benefit couples.

Types of marriage counseling

Below are descriptions of common marriage counseling practices including emotionally focused therapy, solution-focused therapy, narrative therapy, and the Gottman Method.

Emotionally focused therapy

Emotionally focused therapy (which, should be noted, is different from emotion-focused therapy) was specifically designed for use in marriage counseling situations. However, you do not have to be married to benefit from participating in this therapeutic method as a couple. It is based on Gestalt psychology theory and has been refined for couples counseling by Dr. Susan Johnson

As the name implies, emotionally focused therapy focuses on your emotions. Specifically, it homes in on each person’s emotional sensitivity level and factors that could be impacting their emotional responses and expression, such as depression, anxiety, or childhood experiences. By helping couples name, understand, address, and express their emotions, emotionally focused therapy can improve healthy communication between partners and subsequently strengthen the relationship.

A session with a couples therapist using emotionally focused therapy will likely follow these steps:

1. Stabilization: In stabilization, the therapist works with you and your partner to identify a conflict pattern in the relationship that you both want to work on. They help both of you identify and more deeply understand the emotions you associate with the conflict, which may help you reframe the conflict and start to see it from your spouse’s perspective.
2. Bonding: In bonding, the therapist encourages both of you to be honest and vulnerable with each other, now that you understand the emotions undergirding the specific conflict. You’ll each work on expressing your needs and wants to your partner and determine a way to address the conflict that maximizes emotional engagement. 
3. Consolidation: With consolidation, you both take your new understanding of each other, your emotions, and the conflict, and come up with a solution. You can then determine if a similar solution can be applied to other conflicts within your relationship.

Emotionally focused therapy is considered the gold standard for relationship therapy, and if you seek counseling within your marriage, it is likely that your therapist will suggest trying this method. 

Solution-focused therapy

Solution-focused therapy, also often referred to as solution-focused brief therapy (SFBT), is an intensive therapy practice focused on finding solutions to particular relationship challenges. Its duration is shorter than other therapy practices and it requires less of a time commitment, so it may be a helpful option for couples who seek therapy in the hope of finding help with what they may see as a “bump in the road,” not a foundational relationship issue. Common concerns couples bring to solution-focused therapy include money or parenting issues.

Unlike emotionally focused therapy, solution-focused therapy doesn’t entail a deep dive into each member of the couple’s childhood or past relationships, and the process does not seek to understand the emotions that may be driving a particular issue. Solution-focused therapy is forward-thinking and focused on identifying strategies to progress in the relationship. It can help couples validate and respect each other and enhance their ability to work as a team.

Solution-focused therapy can be a useful option for couples who may have run into an obstacle in their relationship but do not believe their current conflict is representative of any larger hidden or unspoken issue. For deeper relationship concerns, solution-focused therapy may not be the right choice.

Narrative therapy

Narrative therapy was originally developed for family therapy settings to discuss conflicts between parents and children or within larger family systems. It can also be helpful within the context of couples therapy, though. 

A marriage counseling therapist using narrative therapy may ask you and your partner to talk about a problem in your marriage by telling it as a story with characters. This process of externalizing a conflict can help you both see the situation from an outside perspective. The next step in narrative therapy typically involves learning how to rewrite the story of the conflict, and then enacting that rewriting in the life you share with your spouse. 

Narrative therapy can help you and your partner to see each other as members of the same team, people who are co-writing the story of their lives together, as opposed to adversaries. It can teach you how to solve problems together instead of attempting to address them individually and ending up in opposition. Gaining a sense of perspective can also help you both to see the bigger picture of your lives and how a certain problem in your marriage might feel overwhelming, but is likely not the defining aspect of your story so far. Further, it does not need to be a fundamental part of the story you two will write in the future. Stepping away from your conflict and viewing it through the lens of a story can help you adopt a more neutral attitude when the conflict surfaces in your daily life, which can then help you feel more in control of how you respond. 

Gottman method

The Gottman Method, co-developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is one of the most popular types of couples counseling. It focuses on developing and enhancing respect, affection, and intimacy in a relationship, supposing a strong foundation of those three qualities can help with processing conflict and other stressors in a relationship. 

When navigating conflict, the Gottman Method teaches couples to focus on working together as a team, not necessarily on resolving the conflict. According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, around 69% of issues in a relationship are unsolvable. This means that couples must learn how to navigate and manage conflict instead of avoiding it or viewing it as something that must be overcome.  

If your marriage counseling therapist is employing the Gottman Method, you will likely focus on one of the following areas:

• Stating your needs and listening to your partner state theirs
• Expressing love and admiration for each other
• Talking about your values, hopes, aspirations, visions, and dreams
• Developing more effective problem-solving skills
• Recognizing behaviors that contribute to unhappiness in your relationship
• Trusting the process and establishing a positive outlook
• Believing in commitment and building trust
• Learning how to love each other through conflict, as opposed to trying to fix it
• Developing a sense of perspective
• Creating “love maps,” which are charts you make together to map out your history, the joys and stressors in your lives, and any concerns or hopes you each have for the future

If you and your spouse benefit from the Gottman Method of couples therapy, you may want to consider attending a couples retreat with Drs. John and Julie Gottman themselves. 

Finding support for marriage problems

If you and your partner are experiencing concerns about your marriage, it may be time to find a marriage counselor skilled in employing one of the above-mentioned marriage therapy types. You might also find that meeting with a therapist individually could be beneficial for your relationship. Individual therapy can help you recognize unhelpful thoughts and behavior patterns that may negatively impact your relationship, using techniques such as psychoanalysis or cognitive behavioral therapy. 

If you are ready to talk to a therapist, either as a couple, individually, or both, online therapy could be a helpful resource for getting the support you need. Online platforms, such as BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, might be more financially accessible than other kinds of therapy. The licensed professionals on these platforms are typically more willing to work with your availability, which can be especially beneficial if you and your spouse have conflicting or demanding schedules. 

The efficacy of online therapy for marital troubles

Research demonstrates that online marriage counseling can be just as effective as marriage counseling accessed in a traditional in-person setting. One study found that the convenience and accessibility of online couples therapy made it beneficial to clients and that online interventions may have enhanced couples’ connections to their therapist even more than in-person therapy. Creating a strong therapeutic alliance can be vital when addressing different concerns and working toward the strongest outcomes. Online marriage counseling could be a helpful option for you and your spouse to begin exploring marriage therapy methods previously mentioned. However, you may find that your therapist employs other techniques to help you and your partner move forward together. 

Takeaway

Talking to a marriage counseling therapist can make a significant difference in relationship satisfaction. Emotionally focused therapy, solution-focused therapy, narrative therapy, and the Gottman Method can all help couples address concerns and focus on improving their connection. Individual therapy may also be useful in resolving personal issues that have carried into the relationship. Couples can connect with a therapist locally or choose online options to find support and care more conveniently.