ADHD Limerence: I Develop Feelings Quickly

Relationships can be impacted by a myriad of factors, such as life experience, childhood trauma, past relationships, and mental or physical health. People living with neurodevelopmental disorders like attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) may approach relationships differently than what is considered “typical.” 

One concept that often arises in the context of neurodivergence (differences in neurological function, as can occur in autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, and more) is “limerence,” a type of relationship fixation that can be harmful. Exploring this topic in more detail may guide you toward ways to reduce limerence and understand your attachment style. If you struggle to develop and maintain healthy relationships due to limerence, consider turning to a licensed therapist for guidance.

What is limerence? 

Someone with limerence may idolize the person they love, believing that person can do no wrong. They may make every effort to please the person, often giving more than they get in return. 

Limerence is not considered a mental health disorder. However, this type of infatuation may be common in people with certain mental health conditions, such as ADHD, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), and borderline personality disorder (BPD). The Attachment Project reports that limerence can occur even when these feelings are not reciprocated and may be stronger when love is one-sided. 

Is limerence connected to ADHD? 

People with ADHD often partake in dopamine-seeking behaviors, as theorists believe ADHD often involves dopamine deficiency. Relationships can be a significant source of dopamine. Fixating on a limerent object of affection may lead to an obsessive and recurrent pattern of believing one must act a certain way to achieve the other person’s attention, potentially releasing more dopamine.

People with ADHD may also experience intense emotions and may be hypersensitive to the interactions they have with others. However, limerence in people with ADHD can lead to harmful co-occurring symptoms like rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) if they are facing unhealthy or unrequited love. 

Hyperfocus on a relationship can also lead a person to abandon other areas of their life, such as work and other relationships, to attend to their feelings for the person they love. 

Someone with ADHD limerence may spend significant amounts of time focused on their crush or partner. They may scroll through their social media profiles frequently, constantly ask for reassurance, make or buy hundreds of gifts, write long messages, and want to spend most of their time with the object of their affection. 

In some cases, this obsessive rumination and love can push others away. When a person with ADHD limerence is rejected, their desire for the same dopamine release they once got from the relationship can increase, and they may try anything they can to repair the relationship. Alternatively, they may ruminate over the ending of the connection for months. People experiencing limerence may believe that they cannot live without the individual. 

People with ADHD may also be prone to maladaptive daydreaming and creating fantasies about the person they love. They may think frequently about the type of relationship they’d like to have with the individual, even if that relationship is not currently the reality. They may become so enmeshed in this fantasy that they start to believe it is real and experience emotional pain when they realize it isn’t. 

Why does ADHD limerence occur?

Limerence may have several causes, including various forms of childhood trauma, like neglect and abuse. Often, limerence is considered to be a sign of an anxious attachment style, which may lead a person to crave and obsessively seek attention, love, and healing. People with an anxious attachment style might also exhibit the following symptoms and behaviors: 

• Extreme fear of and preoccupation with the idea of abandonment 
• Rejection sensitivity 
• Reassurance-seeking (such as frequently asking, “Are you mad at me?”) 
• A desire to know they are loved but difficulty believing it 
• Low self-esteem and self-worth 
• Self-blame 
• Difficulty being away from those they love 
• Obsessive infatuation 
• Sensitivity to another person’s behaviors and emotions, often taking them on as if they’re their own 
• A belief that they are not “good enough” 
• Excessive attempts to avoid the end of a relationship 

Limerence is often considered a sign of an anxious attachment style. However, although updated evidence may be needed, research suggests that anxious attachment can be changed and become more secure over time with an understanding of attachment styles, professional help, and willpower. 

How to avoid limerence 

If you notice ADHD limerence occurring in your life, consider the following tips. 

Take relationships slowly

When you start dating someone or have a crush, try to maintain a slight sense of distance from them. Do not open up about all of your emotions, past experiences, and interests from the beginning. Instead, give the relationship time to grow naturally, and allow yourself to be curious about other options. 

Try not to assume that your first date with someone means you’ve found your soulmate. Understand that it may take a few tries before you find someone with whom you genuinely connect, and remind yourself that healthy people usually engage in reciprocal relationships.

Work toward a secure attachment style

If you believe you may have an anxious attachment style, there are several steps you can take to start engaging in more secure behaviors in your relationship and to avoid limerence: 

• Learn more about attachment styles and notice when you’re exhibiting anxious behavior.
• Develop stronger boundaries for yourself and recognize when you’re struggling to respect others’ boundaries.
• Avoid dating people who have an avoidant attachment style or another type of insecure attachment style unless they are also working to improve their attachment behaviors.
• Be willing to explore all of your options instead of settling for the first person who offers you attention.
• Be wary of “love bombing” behaviors from others when you start dating.
• Maintain the non-romantic relationships in your life.
• Take time for yourself and focus on what makes you happy if your partner asks for space.
• Put your phone away if you are tempted to send lots of messages to someone. 
• Allow yourself time to calm down and think clearly before responding to emotional messages or returning to an emotional conversation.
• Combat any cognitive distortions you may experience.
• Connect with a therapist to work through trauma and attachment struggles.

Engage in activities that improve your self-esteem 

Limerence often arises from low self-esteem and a lack of identity. People with ADHD limerence may hyperfixate on others to receive validation that they are “worthy” of love and affection. This desire may occur in people who did not receive this validation from their parents or caregivers as a child. Improving your self-esteem and offering yourself validation may be helpful.

Treat your body well by exercising, eating nutritious meals, and spending time outside. You can also increase self-esteem through techniques like mindfulness, daily affirmations, and connection with your spirituality and values. Identify positive qualities in yourself and allow those qualities to flourish by partaking in activities that relate to them. For example, if you are creative, you might try making art. If you like to travel, you might make a point to visit a new trail every weekend for a hike.

Avoid monitoring and reassurance-seeking behaviors

You may get a dopamine release from looking at a person’s social media profiles, monitoring their nonverbal cues, or asking for reassurance. However, these behaviors can play into the obsession of limerence and make the “love addiction” worse. Instead, try to reduce the time you spend on social media and focus more on improving your mood during the day. Remember that how much a person interacts with your social media posts does not necessarily correlate with how they feel about you or your worth as a person. 

Prioritize other relationships 

Limerence can lead to individuals neglecting their other relationships, such as family connections and friendships. They may spend most of their time with the person to whom they’re attracted and forget to check in with others or spend time with them. This abandonment of other relationships from limerence might hurt loved ones and lead to rifts that are difficult to resolve. You might prioritize other relationships with the following actions: 

• Be fully present when you’re with other loved ones, avoiding talking to your partner or love interest while you’re with them.
• Plan hangouts with friends at least once a month. 
• Remind yourself of the reasons you connected with your loved ones and the joy and value they bring to your life.
• Talk to those you trust about limerence and how it’s impacting you. 
• Put some of the energy you aim toward pleasing romantic interests into giving back to other people you love, such as by making them gifts or reminding them of their importance in your life. 
• Don’t ignore text messages, calls, or requests to hang out with other people. 
• Be honest about your energy levels and how much you can give.
• When talking to your loved ones, avoid only talking about your love interest and ignoring other topics.
• Talk to your loved ones about the special relationships in their lives. 

Examine attachment challenges in online therapy

Work with a licensed therapist

Therapy for ADHD and limerence 

Limerence and anxious attachment in people with ADHD can be challenging to address on their own. Some people may benefit from seeking professional support to unpack the causes behind their limerence and steps they can take to move forward. Therapy can be an effective way to develop a healthier attachment style or to cope with ADHD. 

If you face barriers to in-person therapy, like a lack of time or financial challenges, you might try an online platform like BetterHelp. You can get matched with a therapist who has experience treating others with similar concerns, often within 48 hours. In addition, you can access additional resources like worksheets, goal tracking, and journaling prompts. 

Online therapy may be a helpful treatment option for people with ADHD, according to research. In a 2022 study, researchers concluded that online interventions for ADHD may be as effective as face-to-face treatment, and online therapy typically improved social function scores in participants. However, further research is recommended.