Dating Someone Who's Sapiosexual? Here’s What You Need To Know

Sapiosexuality is a sexual identity generally referring to primarily being attracted to a person’s intelligence rather than other factors, such as physical appearance and personality. Both heterosexual people and LGBTQIA+ people can hold this identity. This may not be as well-known as other sexual identities, such as pansexuality or bisexuality, but it is still a valid sexuality. Research suggests 1% to 8% of adults aged 18 to 35 may identify as sapiosexual. Dating someone with this identity may require spending time together in ways that are intellectually stimulating. A sapiosexual partner may require deep conversations with like minded individuals who have similar interests. For professional insight regarding matters of sexuality, consider scheduling an appointment with a licensed therapist online or in your local area.

Visit a museum

Museum dates often allow you to appreciate art, science, or history while also discussing your opinions and knowledge of what you see. This can help you get to know one another, and a museum is generally a place where a sapiosexual person would feel comfortable and intellectually stimulated.

Join a book club together

Many sapiosexuals like to read. Joining a book club together can enable the two of you to get to know one another while bonding over books and discussing your thoughts about literature in general. Some sapiosexuals may also be interested in creative writing and may enjoy participating in a writing event or challenge as a date idea. 

Spend hours talking over coffee

Watch a documentary together

Have a game night

It can be important to validate your sexuality and remind yourself that your wants and needs in a partner are valid. Sexual orientation is part of who you are and is outside of your control. 

Are you sapiosexual? How to know if you are sexually attracted to intelligence

• You gravitate toward dates that involve some element of intellectual stimulation, such as a museum, library visit, or documentary screening.
• You are sexually aroused by debate or deep conversation.
• You are not concerned about someone’s physical appearance; your attraction to them is entirely or almost entirely based on their intelligence.
• You experience sexual arousal from dirty talk.
• You are most attracted to people who have above-average intelligence.
• You get turned on by reading something someone wrote.
• You find lectures or TED Talks arousing.
• For you, physical attraction is based first and foremost on the other person’s intelligence.
• You like learning from or teaching things to your partner.
• You feel turned off by grammar mistakes or similar errors.
• You hate small talk.
• You appreciate “nerdy” characteristics like glasses-wearing.

Keep in mind that it can be normal to possess some of these traits. Many people are attracted to intelligent and smart people. Sexuality tends to be complex and personal so if you’re unsure of your identity, you may find that it takes time, introspection, or working with a therapist to understand your thoughts about your sexuality.

Understanding sexuality and the spectrum of attraction

When thinking about sexual orientations, it can be important to recognize the spectrum of attraction. Most people, regardless of sexuality, have specific preferences within their sexual identity that are unique to them. For example, demisexual people require emotional connection to experience attraction for someone. A person’s sexual attraction, behaviors, and preferences can all create their own personal sexuality. There are many other forms of attraction besides just physical and sexual, and some people may experience these different forms of attraction to different degrees and in different ways. 

This can make it slightly more difficult to classify someone’s “exact” sexuality, but it may also allow for fluidity and freedom in expressing and experimenting with one’s sexuality. It can be important to remember that defining your sexuality is completely personal and up to you to decide. 

Therapy for mental health support with sexual attraction

Sexuality can be a complicated and distressing topic for some people, especially if they feel pressure from media, culture, or loved ones to prescribe to a heteronormative way of being. For others, accepting their sexuality is less of a challenge than finding someone with whom they romantically connect.

In any case, dating and romance can be difficult areas to navigate. Being single can be isolating, while building a significant emotional bond with another person often comes with ups and downs. However, there may be many avenues of support to make the dating process easier. For example, you may lean on friends and family for emotional support as you navigate dating, or you may find it beneficial to work with a therapist to address any challenges you may be facing with sexuality or romance. Additionally, therapy comes in many forms, so it can be possible to find the right fit for you. 

If you’re someone who has a busy lifestyle, online therapy may be a convenient option. Sessions can be booked outside of typical office hours, and you can attend them from any location with an internet connection, eliminating the time spent commuting to and from a therapist’s office. Plus, you may find it easier to open up to a therapist with the options of video conference, phone call, and online chat.

While studies haven’t yet been conducted on the efficacy of online therapy in addressing matters of sexuality, existing evidence supports the idea that online therapy can produce the same client outcomes as traditional in-office therapy. Both options can be effective treatments for a wide variety of mental health disorders and challenges.