Exploring Shame About Being Single: Why Do I Feel This Way?

Many parts of society focus on romantic and sexual relationships, including ads in the media, retail stores selling jewelry and clothing, and popular TV shows and movies. Relationships are often depicted as one of the highest displays of success in life, and not being in one can lead some people to believe they’re missing out or that part of themselves is lacking or not “good enough.” The shame surrounding being single can be challenging to address. Having effective techniques to cope with shame and understanding its causes may be helpful when moving forward. A licensed therapist can guide you through this process.

Understanding shame: What does this emotion look like? 

Shame is a secondary human emotion, often arising in response to social expectations, pressure, or labels. The American Psychological Association defines shame as an emotion stemming from self-consciousness due to the self-belief that one is “dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous” in one’s behavior. 

Shame is often closely tied to one’s morals, values, and social system, and feeling shameful can lead to negative self-talk, self-loathing, and difficulty connecting with others. 

Signs of shame can include the following: 

• Low self-esteem 
• Difficulty trusting others
• A sense of worthlessness in relationships 
• A lack of identity
• Symptoms of depression and anxiety 
• An increased risk of codependency in relationships 
• Avoidance of social interaction 
• People-pleasing tendencies
• Perfectionism 

When it arises in response to being single, shame might cause someone to obsessively seek out a relationship, chastise themselves for perceived flaws, or avoid dating due to believing they are “unworthy.” 

Shame can lead to significant distress and may hinder a person’s relationship with themselves, potentially preventing them from developing healthy connections with potential partners. 

Why do I feel shameful for being single? Single shaming and other forms of shame about being single 

Shame related to being single can be common, and you’re not alone. Being single is not a flaw or personal failure. However, the following factors might cause a single person to feel shameful or experience a sense of pressure to find a partner. 

Cultural pressure and single shaming 

Some people grow up in cultures that highly value relationships, especially in the traditional sense. There may be pressure from the community as a whole to get married and carry on a family name, which is often rooted in patriarchal and heteronormative views on what a family “should” look like. Someone might be told they are shaming their community and loved ones by not seeking marriage. 

For example, in a closed religious community, a woman might be frequently pressured to marry and begin having children in her early 20s to ensure there are enough children to continue the family business and legacy. 

In other cultures, arranged marriage might be expected of young adults, and rejecting a parent’s suggestions or refusing to meet with arranged matches might be highly frowned upon and shamed. 

General US culture can also contribute to the pressure to be in a relationship. Movies, TV shows, and songs about love, combined with a society built around events that can be difficult to attend alone, can pressure people to seek a relationship to fit in and access the services and products made for couples. 

Singles events in cities are often only geared toward meeting other singles to start a relationship, and there may not be as many opportunities to make new friends and prioritize other areas of life. 

Family expectations that lead to shame about being single 

According to a 2021 study, people of all genders may experience pressure from their parents, friends, and family to enter a romantic relationship. Women typically scored highest in the research and frequently experienced pressure from friends and family. Women are often asked to shoulder the responsibility of deciding whether to have children, whether to get married, and how to expand their families. 

When a woman chooses not to marry or does not actively seek out a relationship, her family might tell her she’s wasting her time or not prioritizing the “right” parts of life. Women who focus primarily on their careers over relationships often experience a form of social shaming, which can lead to distress and imposter syndrome. 

Often, men are also expected to start relationships and a family, leading some men to experience deep shame about their appearance, personality, or accomplishments if they’re struggling to meet someone. 

Envy 

Around 69% of all US adults are in a relationship, which can make up a significant portion of society. When you desire a romantic relationship but aren’t currently in one, seeing other people who are happy in relationships can lead to shame. Shame can contribute to negative self-talk, such as “I’m not good enough,” “They’re more attractive than me,” or “I’ll never have that.” These thoughts often arise due to social envy and can be painful to experience. 

Fear of missing out 

Seeing other people in relationships, experiencing societal pressure, and desiring a relationship can all lead to a fear of missing out. When single, someone might worry that they’ll always be alone and miss out on the opportunity to have children with another person or to get married. 

For some, these milestones may be related to a certain timeline, as fertility can decrease over time, and some might want to start a family and get married by a specific date. Not meeting one’s own expectations can lead to shame. 

Insecurity 

Some people experience shame when single due to insecurity. They may struggle to accept certain aspects of their personality, appearance, or identity, potentially leading to self-loathing and negative thoughts. 

Low self-esteem and a lack of confidence can be barriers to starting a relationship, which may further perpetuate harmful self-beliefs and shame, as someone might begin to believe a relationship will never happen for them. The idea that they are somehow “flawed” can lead to feeling poorly about themselves and not trying to seek connections. 

Being single is normal, and you’re not alone 

When you’re single, it may seem like the rest of the world has found love while you have not. This sense of “me vs. them” can be challenging and may lead to beliefs that you aren’t doing enough or experiencing the same milestones as others. Media can make it seem like everyone has already found a partner with whom to live “happily ever after.” However, millions of adults are single, whether by choice or while they wait to meet a suitable partner. 

Being single can be seen as both neutral and normal, and societal expectations don’t have to determine your desires or your worth. If you want a relationship, continue to take steps to care for your self-worth and other areas of well-being. If you don’t want a relationship, that’s also valid. 

Life as a single person can be rich in experiences, joy, close friends, family, and fun, just as much as life in a relationship with someone else. 

The benefits of being single 

Being single isn’t necessarily a negative thing. Below are some benefits you might find from not being in a romantic relationship: 

• More time for your hobbies
• Flexibility to travel
• An opportunity to try hookups or casual sex (this may also be possible in open or polyamorous relationships) 
• Financial savings
• More personal freedom
• More time to spend on other types of social connections, like friendships
• More time to focus on your career
• Reduced stress caused by relationship conflicts
• An opportunity to redefine the types of relationships you want
• Time to focus on goals 
• An opportunity to move or make a huge life decision without impacting someone else 
• More time to self-reflect
• Space to work through relationship-related fears 

Ways to make the most of being single and reduce single shame 

Consider the following strategies to target shame and make the most of being single. 

Learn more about yourself outside of single shame culture 

Although many lessons can be learned while in a relationship, singlehood can also be a time of reflection and growth. You can learn more about yourself through hobbies, activities, and self-reflection exercises. You might try journaling, attending meetup groups, learning a new skill, or exploring hobbies you haven’t tried since childhood. 

You can also brainstorm qualities you’d like to find in a partner to learn more about what you want in relationships. Without someone else’s input, you will likely have more time to define who you want to be outside of others’ expectations. 

Focus on self-improvement 

If you struggle to work on particular challenges while you’re in a relationship, such as symptoms related to a childhood traumatic event or people-pleasing tendencies, you might be able to spend more time on remedying these challenges alone. Some people may decide to go to therapy when single to work on their mental health and prepare to be mentally healthy if and when they meet a partner in the future. 

Increase your confidence, self-love, and personal growth outside of shaming influences 

You can use your time alone to grow your confidence and self-love, which may also make you more attractive to potential partners. Ways to improve your self-confidence, regardless of relationship status, could include the following: 

• Gratitude journaling 
• Practicing positive affirmations 
• Talking to loved ones when struggling 
• Learning to accept and grow from rejection 
• Reflecting on why your last relationship didn’t work out and how you want to improve in the future 
• Facing your fears in dating (going to events despite social anxiety, etc.) 
• Improving your skills and learning new ones
• Traveling and seeing different cultures 
• Setting healthy boundaries with others in your life
• Building positive friendships 
• Healthily challenging yourself to meet goals 

Reframing life as a journey of personal growth instead of a predetermined shaming race 

Shame can be a heavy, challenging emotion with which to cope. If you feel shameful about being single, whether you want to be or not, you might benefit from reframing how you look at relationships. If you believe love should follow a set path or look a certain way, you might be limiting yourself to only a few of the hundreds of possibilities. 

Although knowing what you want can be a helpful way to set and achieve goals, constantly thinking about these goals and being hard on yourself if you don’t meet them can be counterproductive. 

Instead, try to see life as a journey in which you are a willing participant. You can take steps to find a relationship, but try not to make love your only priority. Instead, you might find ways to enrich all areas of your life. People often meet their partners through group meetups, work, friend groups, dating apps, and online platforms, so include many social outlets in your life to increase your chances of meeting others. Look at these options as a way to meet friends first, and relationships may develop naturally over time. 

If you fear not having a romantic relationship, consider analyzing the root of that fear. Come up with ways you could still find meaning and well-being in life, even if you do not meet a partner anytime soon. What would your life look like if you focused primarily on your career, friendships, or personal goals? How could you focus your life goals on identities and desires that aren’t connected to your single status? Having plans for all scenarios may help you focus less on obsessively seeking a relationship and more on happiness in general. 

Overcome shame in online therapy

Chat with a compassionate therapist

Mental health support for shame 

Being single when you’d like to be in a relationship or facing extreme pressure from others in your life to date and find a partner can be stressful. Talking to a therapist may be one way to cope with the mounting pressure and start to enjoy your life. A therapist can help you set boundaries with others and learn more about yourself. 

If you struggle to find in-person therapy options near you, online therapy platforms like BetterHelp can be an accessible way to find support. Through an online platform, you can spend more time on what you enjoy by logging in to sessions with your therapist from a remote location, such as your home or car. In addition, you can partake in self-reflection by using tools like group sessions, journaling prompts, and worksheets. 

Research generally supports the efficacy of online therapy platforms, with one 2018 study finding them more effective overall than in-person options, especially in reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety, both of which can occur alongside shame. 

Takeaway 

Being single can be a normal, neutral experience, but not having a partner can lead to shame for many people. Shame often arises in response to pressure, fear, and envy. If you’re experiencing shame related to a lack of romantic or sexual relationships, you might find talking to a therapist helpful. Consider seeking support online or in your area to get started.