Finding Independence And Balance During National Codependency Awareness Month

Codependency often arises in relationships when one person is emotionally or psychologically reliant on their partner. These relationships can create a pattern in which one person's needs seem to dominate, causing an imbalance in the relationship. While codependency is not officially recognized as a specific personality disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), it shares characteristics with other relationship-related challenges and may contribute to emotional and mental health problems.

Left unaddressed, codependent individuals may focus intently on the needs of others, often neglecting their own needs and struggling to live independently. Some people may find it difficult to express their emotions, which can cause their identity and decisions to become entangled with the other person. While codependency can develop in any type of relationship, including with friends or family members, it often occurs in romantic partnerships. 

What is codependency, and what does codependency look like?

Codependency is a term used to describe an unhealthy relationship pattern where individuals become mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually reliant on one another. This type of relationship can occur between romantic partners, family members, and friends, and it can often negatively affect both parties in the relationship.

Is codependency a mental health condition in the DSM? 

Some people may wonder, “Is codependency a diagnosis?” or “What are the codependent personality disorder signs?” However, codependency is not officially recognized as a distinct mental health condition in the DSM-5, a guide used by healthcare professionals to diagnose mental disorders. It shares aspects with other recognized conditions, such as dependent personality disorder, which might cause it to become confused with specific mental health conditions.

What does codependency look like in a relationship?

Codependency can often develop in the form of behaviors that show an unhealthy reliance on another person in a relationship. It may be helpful to recognize these signs when determining whether a relationship is becoming codependent. 

A sense of responsibility for other people's happiness or well-being

One common sign of codependency is experiencing an overwhelming sense of responsibility for a partner's happiness, emotions, or well-being. While caring for and supporting those you love can be beneficial, it may be unhealthy when this support becomes a sense of obligation to solve their problems or ensure their constant happiness.

An excessive desire for approval and validation from others

In a codependent relationship, a person might constantly seek approval and validation from their partner. This approval-seeking behavior could lead to situations where they prioritize their partner's opinion over their own, which can negatively affect their self-esteem and confidence. For example, the person might find themselves constantly changing their actions based on their partner's expectations, causing them to lose touch with their values.

A tendency to enable or rescue others from their problems

Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings

Those in codependent relationships may struggle to express their thoughts or emotions openly and honestly. These individuals might hold back their opinions because they fear confronting or displeasing their partners. For instance, someone in a codependent relationship might stay silent about their preference for a quiet night at home, even though they're exhausted, because they worry that suggesting it might upset their partner, who prefers going out. As a result, the individual may develop suppressed feelings and create emotional distance.

Fear of rejection or abandonment

A vital characteristic of a codependent relationship is a fear of rejection or abandonment. A fear of rejection could prevent an individual from setting boundaries in the relationship, which might also push them to cling to their partners, even when the relationship becomes harmful or toxic. This fear of rejection or abandonment can trap them in a cycle of unhealthy compromise. They might stay in a damaging relationship because they believe it's better than being alone. 

Avoiding conflict at all costs, even if it means sacrificing one’s own needs

Those in codependent relationships might avoid conflict even when specific challenges arise in the relationship. Avoiding conflict can lead to suppressing their needs or desires, which may cause resentment and limit their personal growth.

An inability to enjoy leisure activities or time alone

Dependency on a partner could be so ingrained that individuals experiencing codependent behaviors may struggle to enjoy leisure activities or time without the other person. For example, a person who can't seem to have fun watching their favorite TV show or reading a book unless their partner is by their side may be showing signs of codependency. Being unable to enjoy their own company could worsen their ability to be independent, which can create an unhealthy relationship dynamic. 

With these signs of codependency in mind, it may be possible to increase awareness and take steps to build a healthier, more balanced relationship.

Possible causes of codependency

Codependency is a complex interpersonal problem, and various factors may cause it. Below, explore some common causes of codependency, including family dynamics, trauma or abuse, and low self-esteem.

Family dynamics

Family dynamics may be a factor in developing codependency. Growing up in a household with dysfunctional roles or poorly defined boundaries can lead someone to learn codependent behaviors. Often, children in such families become caretakers and develop a strong sense of responsibility for other family members. This pattern may continue into adulthood and affect their relationships outside the family as well.

Trauma or abuse

Experiencing trauma or abuse can also lead to codependency. Abuse survivors may develop caretaking and people-pleasing behaviors to experience safety and avoid further harm. As a result, they may prioritize the needs of others over their own, which may lead to codependent behaviors in their relationships. They might not even realize they're doing it, but this habit of trying to make others happy at all times may mean they forget to look out for themselves.

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem is another factor that might lead to codependency. People with low self-esteem may struggle to identify their emotions and make decisions, causing them to rely on others for validation and support. Relying on others can create an unhealthy dynamic in relationships, in which one person's needs dominate the other's, potentially leading to codependent behaviors.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism may also be a factor in developing codependency. People who identify as perfectionists may experience a desire to control their environment and the people around them. This desire can arise as codependent behaviors, such as wanting to constantly prove their worth by caring for others and neglecting their needs. 

For example, a person driven by perfectionism might constantly overwork themselves to ensure their partner's life runs smoothly, like volunteering to do all the household chores or solve their partner's problems, hoping to be seen as the “perfect” partner.

Knowing the possible causes of codependency can be one of the first steps to creating healthier relationships. With these factors in mind, individuals can start the process of building more balanced connections with others.

Therapy for those struggling with codependency

In some cases, a person who struggles with codependency may be experiencing underlying challenges, such as low self-esteem and difficulty setting boundaries. For this reason, therapy may be a helpful tool to identify and understand the root cause of codependent behaviors. In therapy, a professional can help clients understand the meaning of codependency and how it develops in their relationships, whether they’re with friends, family, or romantic partners. For example, a therapist might recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to learn new ways of thinking and live more independently. 

Online therapy for their mental health

In addition to traditional in-person therapy, online therapy may be effective for individuals looking to manage codependency. A study on the effectiveness of online therapy found that it can be as beneficial as face-to-face therapy, helping clients access qualified therapists from the comfort of their homes. 

An online platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples can match individuals with licensed therapists who are trained in managing codependency and other related concerns. As a result, online platforms can be a convenient, accessible way to manage codependency through individual or couples therapy sessions.