Managing Your Emotions When Dating And Knowing How To Set Emotional Boundaries
Relationships can be emotionally stimulating in both positive and negative ways. For some, these heightened emotions can lead to greater sensitivity to conflict or more frequent emotional outbursts. Regulating your own emotions, responding healthily to the feelings of others, and setting boundaries can help you develop a base for a healthy relationship. By labeling your emotions and using various coping strategies, you can take positive steps toward change. A licensed therapist can help you develop the skills you need to develop and maintain healthy relationships.
What does it mean to manage your emotions?
Managing your emotions generally means understanding them and responding to them healthily. When you manage your emotions, you typically acknowledge that they are occurring and can respond to the behavioral urges that accompany them in healthy ways.
For example, someone who feels sad might have the behavioral urge to cry and hug their friend. This behavior can be healthy if their friend is comfortable offering hugs and emotional support. However, if someone feels sad and repeatedly sends messages to a friend who asks them not to do so, this behavior can be unhealthy. Whether a behavior is healthy or unhealthy may depend on whether it respects your own and others’ boundaries.
To effectively manage your emotions, you might discern when a behavior makes sense in the situation and control yourself when it doesn’t. Emotional management and emotional balance do not necessarily mean “turning off” your emotions, avoiding the emotions of others, or choosing to pretend an emotion isn’t impacting you. Emotional management also doesn’t mean being so open that you disregard others’ emotional boundaries and allow your emotions to rule your behavior.
The importance of emotional intelligence and regulation when dating
Relationships can be challenging, as they typically involve two sets of emotions that may not always align. Those who are overly empathetic to their partner’s emotions may find that when their partner experiences negative feelings, they begin to feel the same way. This can lead to a cycle of negative feelings that don’t improve.
Emotional intelligence in relationships can involve both partners understanding their emotions and taking responsibility for their own feelings. Emotional intelligence can also involve frequent communication, apologizing when mistakes are made, and being open to change.
Individual emotional intelligence has been linked to satisfaction in romantic relationships. According to a 2022 study, emotional intelligence can lead to relationship satisfaction and improved relationship quality.
By managing your own emotions, you may enhance the quality of your relationship. If your partner also takes steps to improve their emotional intelligence, you may notice that communication becomes healthier and more manageable.
The dangers of taking on the emotions of others when dating or in a relationship
Some people tend to be susceptible to their partners' emotions, to the point that their mood changes when their partner’s does. Empathy can be a positive quality in a relationship, and it may help you attune to your partner’s needs and desires. However, conflict may arise when you struggle to regulate your mood due to your partner’s emotions or if you depend on your partner for emotional support when they’re not feeling well.
Enmeshing your emotional needs with your partner’s can also lead to codependency, as you both may start to depend on each other for emotional wellness. Being able to remain regulated when your partner is upset and communicate your emotional needs when you’re feeling down can ensure you and your partner maintain a healthy sense of individuality.
How to manage your mental health: Addressing anxiety, depression, anger, and other emotions in relationships
Consider the following tips to manage your emotions and show up more authentically in your relationships.
Journal for improved mental health
Although updated evidence may be needed, studies have found that expressive writing, like journaling or poetry, can improve mood and mental well-being. Journaling about your feelings may allow you to write whatever you want without censorship. When talking to a partner, saying whatever you want might not always be healthy.
You can explore complex topics in a journal without overwhelming your partner or hurting their feelings. In addition, you may learn more about your thoughts, emotions, and the behavioral urges that accompany them.
Learn to label your emotions: Anxiety, depression, anger, and more
Research suggests that labeling your feelings can improve your ability to understand the emotions of others and more accurately express how you feel. For example, if you say, “I feel am sad,” when feeling sad, you may be more comfortable openly expressing this emotion, and others may better understand you, too.
Emotions can be difficult to understand, but physical sensations in your body may help you clue into what you’re experiencing. Below are the sensations often associated with common emotions:
- Anger: Heat, flushing in the face, headaches, an urge to yell, irritation in the back or stomach
- Sadness: Chest pain, crying, heaviness in the limbs
- Fear: Tingling sensations in the back or neck, the urge to run or hide, a pounding heart, elevated blood pressure, difficulty focusing, confusion, shallow breathing
- Love: Warmth in the chest and whole body, a sense of “fullness”
- Shame and embarrassment: A “crawling” feeling under the skin, an urge to run or hide
- Happiness: A sense of lightness in the body, urges to smile or laugh
Other emotions can also arise, and not everyone experiences these feelings in the same way. Talking to a therapist may help you understand how emotions feel for you.
Explore your attachment style
Understanding your attachment style may help you understand how you process and share emotions in a relationship. Insecure attachment styles, such as avoidant, anxious, and disorganized attachments, can contribute to conflict and challenges in relationships.
Meanwhile, a secure attachment style generally allows individuals to approach emotions healthily, communicate openly when necessary, and regulate emotions independently. If you have an insecure attachment style, it can be possible to develop a secure attachment style over time, especially with the guidance of a mental health professional.
Develop coping techniques for emotional distress
Having coping techniques on hand for emotional moments can allow you to regulate yourself so that you can communicate healthily and openly with your partner. Coping techniques can also be used when your partner is unavailable to offer support. Below are several coping strategies to try:
- Emotion or thought mapping
- Journaling
- Deep breathing exercises
- Spending time in nature
- Partaking in a hobby or interest
- Learning a new skill
- Practicing mindfulness or meditation
- Spending time with loved ones
- Singing, listening to music, or playing an instrument
- Volunteering for your community
- Reading a book
- Taking a nap
- Talking to a professional, such as a marriage and family therapist
Value communication about emotions in a relationship
Communication is often a crucial part of a healthy relationship. When emotions arise about your relationship, your partner’s behavior, or a topic that impacts you and your partner, communicating your feelings can help you come to a solution. Avoiding communication about difficult emotions can be as unhealthy as pouring out all your emotions at once. When talking about your feelings with your partner, use “I” statements, avoid blaming them for your feelings, and actively listen to their responses.
How to set healthy boundaries for emotions in relationships
Sharing emotions may not be necessary in every situation, and in some cases, the behavioral urges accompanying your emotions might be unhealthy. In addition, you’re not required to “fix” your partner’s difficult emotions if they depend on you for emotional well-being.
Setting healthy boundaries in relationships can mean looking at what you and your partner are comfortable with and what helps you problem-solve as a team. You and your partner might implement a rule for the relationship that you ask for consent from each other before opening a conversation about a trauma-related or complex topic. You may then schedule a time to talk about more difficult issues.
If your partner frequently pushes you to talk about uncomfortable topics or asks you to support them in ways with which you aren’t comfortable, you may need to set boundaries. This may look like establishing specific conditions in which you’re comfortable and open to discussing these types of topics. For example, you might say, “I’m open to this conversation when we can talk without raising our voices. I’m not comfortable speaking with you when you yell.”
What does an unhealthy response to emotions in a relationship look like?
Unhealthy emotional responses can take numerous forms. Below are a few signs of an unhealthy emotional dynamic in a relationship:
- Frequently trauma-dumping (sharing intense details of traumatic events without asking for consent beforehand)
- Relying on your partner for emotional well-being
- Struggling to regulate yourself without your partner present at social events
- Frequently blowing up in anger or irritation
- Yelling or raising your voice during conversations
- Always following your behavioral urges in response to an emotion
- Frequently bringing up a partner’s previous relationships or past hurts
- Saying, “This is just how I am when I’m upset. I can’t change,” when confronted about unhealthy behavior
- Using substances or engaging in other potentially harmful behaviors to cope with emotions
- Avoiding emotional conversations and communication altogether
- Labeling your partner “too emotional,” “dramatic,” or “crazy” for sharing their feelings only because you are uncomfortable with emotions
- Refusing to label and understand your emotions
- Calling crying or other healthy forms of expression “unhealthy” or “illogical”
- Ignoring or ghosting a partner when they show emotion as a way to get them to stop
- Frequently texting and calling your partner when they don’t respond to you, even when they ask you to stop
- Attempting to control your partner’s behavior when you are afraid or upset (Example: Telling them not to walk near a river because you’re scared they’ll fall in)
- Attempting to control what your partner wears or where they go
- Expecting your partner to drop everything to support you
- Breaking up with your partner whenever the relationship becomes emotionally vulnerable
How to control your emotions when your partner does not have healthy emotional boundaries
If your partner is avoidant of emotions or highly dependent on you for their emotional well-being, they may not have healthy emotional boundaries. Healthy boundaries are often part of making relationships work. To cope, regulating and communicating your own emotions may be helpful. Building a secure attachment style may allow you to make positive choices for yourself.
If you’re dating, you may also be able to pick up on relationship “red flags” before you start a relationship with an emotionally immature person. If your relationship is struggling, you might benefit from talking to a therapist with or without your partner present.
Professional mental health support options
Talking to a therapist can be one way to cope with emotional challenges in a relationship. You can speak to a mental health professional on your own or with your partner, and if you struggle to access support in your area, online therapy may be an option.
Through online platforms like BetterHelp for individuals and Regain for couples, you can receive care from home or any location with an internet connection. Online couples therapy may be more accessible for long-distance couples or those with different schedules. In addition, online therapy is often more cost-effective.
Studies show that online couples therapy is preferable to in-person treatment for many couples. In a 2019 study, couples generally found online interventions more comfortable and effective than face-to-face options. They reported that the perceived distance between themselves and the therapist helped them form a better connection with their provider.
Takeaway
Setting boundaries around your emotions in relationships and learning to regulate your emotions can be vital for relationship health. By communicating your needs healthily, using effective coping strategies as needed, and approaching the behaviors of others with compassion and confidence, you may be better able to regulate your feelings in a relationship. For support in this process, consider contacting a therapist online or in your area.
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