Navigating Family Drama And Conflict: How To Move Forward Healthily
Family dynamics can be complex, and family members may not always get along. When family drama arises, you may be unsure of how to react. Family members may choose sides, and conversations can become heated. In these cases, having strategies to protect your peace and reduce the chances of worsened conflict can be helpful. Therapy might also be valuable, allowing you to speak to family members in a neutral environment and receive an objective opinion of the situation.
What is family drama?
“Family drama” is a term often used to describe interpersonal conflict between family members, often on a large scale, with more than one opinion being argued. When family drama occurs, arguments may start, and people may struggle to maintain a partial, logical view of the situation.
In severe conflicts, one family member may become the “scapegoat,” and they may be treated poorly or accused of starting the problem by other family members. In other cases, two or more separate family groups may split off and turn against each other. These situations can be highly stressful, as family is often listed as one of the most important aspects of life.
Common causes of family dramas
Family drama is often unique to each family unit and may involve one’s immediate family or extended family. Below are several potential causes of family drama:
- Favoritism from parents toward siblings
- Financial disputes, including child support, alimony, loans, inheritances, family businesses, etc.
- The loss of a family member
- Differing political opinions, religious beliefs, or values
- Family secrets
- Generational gaps and generational trauma
- Trauma, mental illness, substance use disorders, and physical illness
- Relocation or moving
- Divorce or separation
- Infidelity and other forms of betrayal
- Clashing personalities
- Jealousy, envy, and competition
- Blended family conflicts
- Legal challenges
- Marriage to an “unapproved” partner
- Controlling parents or in-laws
- Parental estrangement
- Boundaries
- Caregiving disagreements
- Broken promises
- Property or land arguments
These causes of conflict and dysfunctional family dynamics can lead to various outcomes, including family estrangement, frequent arguments, mental health challenges, substance use or misuse, custody battles, “picking sides,” and a loss of connection.
Because conflict is often highly distressing, having effective strategies to get along with family members and mediate challenges may be helpful.
How to get along with family members you don’t like
In some cases, tolerating or remaining emotionally regulated around family members you don’t like may be necessary, such as when you decide to go to a family gathering or when you must see them in court. Below are some tips for reducing the chances of conflict when spending time with family:
- Avoid mentioning the subject of the conflict
- If the conflict is mentioned by someone else, say, “I’m not comfortable discussing this”
- Remain friendly but guarded
- Avoid sharing personal details about your life that could be used against you or that you don’t want to be shared with others
- Change the subject when you’re uncomfortable
- Talk to family members you do like and avoid those you don’t if you’re at a larger family event
- Practice self-care before meeting with family members who cause you stress
Learning to set boundaries around your home, life, children, and body with family
Boundaries can be critical in a family environment, but not all families know how to set and maintain them. You can set boundaries for your personal space, time, energy, money, belongings, and body. You cannot change how others act, but you can tell them what you will and won’t accept.
For example, saying, “I won’t remain in this conversation if you yell at me,” is a boundary because you are taking control of your own behavior in the situation (staying or leaving). Having boundaries can ensure you know which situations and conflicts you’re willing to work through and which situations you will leave or change. Below are a few boundaries people may set with family members:
- Not speaking on the phone at certain times of day
- Requesting that relatives ask for permission before coming over
- Requesting that relatives ask for permission before sharing information you’ve discussed with them
- Only being open to giving a certain amount of money to a family member who frequently asks for help
- Not hugging family members with whom you’re uncomfortable or asking your family members to refrain from hugging and kissing your children without permission from them
- Not remaining in the lives of family members who repeatedly break boundaries or harm you or your immediate family
- Not talking about specific subjects, such as politics
What to do when a family member doesn’t respect your boundaries or the boundaries of your children and marriage
If your family pushes past your boundaries with statements like, “But I’m family!” “You can’t tell your mother what to do,” or “Those rules don’t apply to us,” you might be stressed and unsure about how to move forward.
In these cases, try to remain firm on your boundaries. Let your family members know that your boundaries are not flexible, and you’re going to restrict your relationship if they don’t change their behavior.
Ending a relationship with a family member can be challenging, but people may make this choice after giving the family member many chances to make changes. Talking to a family therapist can be another way to give a relationship another chance in a safe, monitored, and neutral environment.
How to cope with family members that “pick sides”
If two or more parts of your extended family participate in family drama, people might “pick sides,” leading to a group mentality of “us against them.” This mindset can lead to distress, detachment, and fear.
To avoid people who pick sides, let your family know you’re not comfortable participating in the conflict because you love everyone and want to work through the challenges healthily.
Picking teams can lead to treating family members like pawns in a game instead of complex individuals, and it’s generally not healthy. Family therapy may also be helpful in this scenario.
Ways to move forward
Below are other ways to move forward during a family conflict, regardless of how many people are involved.
Avoid arguments, aggression, and picking sides
Avoid situations that can escalate existing arguments or disagreements. When expressing your feelings or thoughts, avoid raising your voice, labeling others, making threats, or picking sides. If you’re struggling to cope without expressing these thoughts, you might release them through healthy methods like journaling or talking to a therapist.
Avoid family events that may lead to family drama
If there are common events or meetups where family members frequently cause conflict, or family members with whom you’re uncomfortable will be attending, such as Thanksgiving dinner, consider not going. You don’t have to give a reason for your boundary. If you plan a family event, you might choose to only invite those who respect your boundaries.
Be firm in your boundaries and identity
Even if family members pressure you, call you names, threaten you, or tell you that you’re not a “good family member,” be confident in your integrity and do what you know is right for you. If the family drama concerns your identity, find ways to continue solidifying and validating your identity.
For example, if you’re in the LGBTQIA+ community, look for other LGBTQIA+ people in your area, such as a support group, so you can see that who you are is normal and safe, and that your family’s views of you don’t necessarily reflect the world or your importance in it.
Nurture relationships with positive family members
Find positive family members to whom you can turn during challenging moments. Ensure these are people who understand you, love you, and support you and aren’t going to share what you tell them with others. Look for people who make you happy, have fun with you, and don’t always bring up family drama when you spend time together.
If you struggle to find this dynamic within your family, you might consider building a “chosen family” of friends and non-relatives who give you this sense of safety.
Take breaks from family drama, a specific family member, or family events
Take breaks from spending time with family members who often bring up conflict or share secrets with other family members. If you frequently become distressed during family gatherings, consider skipping one or two. During family events, you can also take a walk by yourself after dinner to collect your thoughts or spend some time before bed meditating or practicing mindfulness to regulate your nervous system.
Mental health support: Finding a marriage and family therapist
Talking to a therapist can be one way for people with family challenges to receive professional support. Marriage and family therapy can be a safe environment for family members to talk about emotionally charged topics. A neutral mediator can offer advice and walk clients through evidence-based techniques for working through conflict.
However, family therapy doesn’t necessarily work for everyone, and some people may want a safe space where they can talk about their family challenges on their own. In these cases, online therapy platforms like BetterHelp may be a more accessible and flexible choice.
Through an online platform, clients can meet with a therapist via phone, video, or live chat sessions, giving them control over how they receive support. In addition, the flexibility of scheduling can allow people to fit therapy into busy routines.
Studies often support the effectiveness of online therapy, finding it especially helpful for parents of children looking to learn emotional regulation skills and reduce family stress.
Takeaway
Family drama and conflict can be distressing. Having strong boundaries, protecting your mental health at home, and talking to a family therapist may be a few ways to move forward. If you’re looking for personal support, consider seeking guidance from a provider online or in your area to learn more about setting boundaries, expressing emotions healthily, and finding a supportive community.
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