Sapiosexual And Demisexual: Similarities, Differences, And More

Sapiosexuality and demisexuality are two sexualities that usually involve romantic attraction that goes beyond physicality. People who identify as sapiosexual tend to be sexually attracted to intelligence, while demisexuals are typically sexually attracted to those with whom they’ve built an emotional bond. If you’re struggling to understand your sexuality, speaking with a licensed therapist may be helpful.

What is sapiosexuality? An overview of sexual orientations

Sapiosexuality generally refers to a sexual orientation in which individuals are sexually attracted to intelligence. This usually means that sapiosexual people prioritize someone’s mind or intelligence over other traits, like personality or physical appearance. Sapiosexuality can overlap with other sexual orientations — such as homosexuality, bisexuality, or heterosexuality — or they may want to be with an intelligent person of any gender identity.

Sapiosexuality may be best understood as a sexual preference or identity rather than a sexual orientation. However, like sexual orientations, being sapiosexual is not necessarily a conscious choice. 

Sapiosexual individuals may enjoy dating in a way that is slightly different than those who are not sapiosexual. For example, many sapiosexual people dislike small talk, so dates may more frequently involve an element of intellectual stimulation and connecting on a deeper level. Sapiosexual individuals may be more likely to enjoy museum visits, documentary screenings, and long conversations rather than mini golf or hiking, for example. Additionally, sapiosexuals may look for partners who are well-informed about complex topics like politics, social justice, and philosophy. Having similar values may also be an integral part of a sapiosexual’s sexual attraction to someone. 

Research indicates that between 1% and 8% of people may identify as sapiosexual, with most people preferring those whose intelligence falls around the 90th percentile. Attraction tends to dwindle once intelligence rises above this level. 

How to know if you’re sapiosexual

If you think you may be sapiosexual, consider the following characteristics of sapiosexuality:

• You find it hard or impossible to be sexually attracted to another person unless you consider them to be intelligent or you have an intellectual connection with them.

• You dislike small talk and are more interested in having deep conversations.

• You find lectures or debates sexually arousing.

• Someone’s physical appearance and personality are much less important to you than their intellect.

What is demisexuality?

Demisexuality typically refers to a sexuality in which people are not attracted to others unless they have an emotional connection with them. While others may look at someone and sense sexual attraction based on their looks or personality, demisexuals do not usually sense a “spark” until they have gotten to know someone and built an emotional connection with them. While any fulfilling relationship will likely depend on emotional intimacy, for a demisexual person, sexual attraction can only come after the emotional connection is formed. 

When it comes to dating someone who is demisexual, there may be some important factors to keep in mind. First, to them, sex may be less important than emotional bonding. Some demisexuals may not wish to engage in sexual activity whatsoever, while others may simply be less interested. Even if sex is less important to demisexual people, everyone is different, and many demisexuals still experience pleasure from sexual intimacy in addition to emotional connection.

Demisexuality can be considered part of the asexual spectrum. Asexuality generally refers to individuals who have little or no sexual attraction to others. About 1% of the population may identify as asexual, and a portion of that percentage may identify as demisexual. More research may be needed to paint an accurate picture of the number of people who identify as demisexual.

There tends to be some disagreement about whether demisexuality is part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Some people believe that demisexuals are part of the community, while others do not, since a person can be both demisexual and heteroromantic (interested only in people of the opposite gender).

How to know if you’re demisexual

If you think you may be demisexual, you may wish to consider the following signs:

• You don’t feel attraction toward people you don’t know.

• You only feel sexual attraction for others once you have an emotional connection with them.

• You never have celebrity crushes.

• Deep emotional connection is the primary factor to consider when dating; it is much more important to you than physical attraction.

• Your physical desire for sex is less prominent than your desire for emotional closeness.
  
  

Sapiosexual vs. demisexual: Whom are you sexually attracted to?

The differences in the two sexualities may lie in their basic definitions. Sapiosexuals tend to be sexually attracted to a person’s mind or intellect, while demisexuals tend to be attracted to a person after forming a strong emotional connection with them. Sapiosexuals may look for signs of intelligence, while those of other sexual orientations look for other qualities in their potential partners.

For sapiosexuals, dating and connecting romantically often revolve around deep conversations and other intellectually stimulating activities. For demisexuals, dating may revolve around opening up emotionally and being vulnerable with one another to build trust. 

Another difference may be that some demisexuals report having less interest in sexual intimacy, even with people they are emotionally connected to. This is why demisexuality can fall on the asexual spectrum. Sapiosexuals, on the other hand, are not usually considered part of the asexual spectrum.

Can someone be demisexual and sapiosexual?

It can be possible for someone to identify as both demisexual and sapiosexual. Some people may use the term sapio-demisexual to describe themselves if they fall into this category. People who are demisexual and sapiosexual may also be homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, or heterosexual. 

Those who are demisexual and sapiosexual usually do not experience sexual attraction toward others unless an emotional bond and an intellectual connection are present. Sexuality can be complex, but it can be important to remember that your sexual identity is valid.

Understanding the spectrum of sexuality

While not everyone believes they can neatly categorize their sexuality into one distinct label, understanding what your sexual preferences are can help you meet like-minded individuals and experience more fulfilling connections when dating. Keep in mind that sexual orientation is a social construct that may be difficult to define and may change over time with new perceptions and cultural perspectives.  

Most people may be familiar with the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. Recently, more sexual identities and orientations have become popularized. Some of these include the following:

• Pansexual, which generally refers to an individual who is attracted to people regardless of sex or gender.

• Asexual, in which people may be interested in romantic love but do not experience sexual desire for others.

• Omnisexual, which can be characterized by a diverse attraction to multiple genders and sexual orientations.

• Graysexual, which may refer to those who are asexual but still engage in sexual activity.

• Androgynosexual, which typically refers to those who are attracted to androgynous individuals of various gender identities.

Exploring sexual orientation and sexual attraction in therapy

If you are sapiosexual or demisexual, you may have experienced challenges with embracing your sexuality or navigating romantic relationships. For example, some people do not consider sapiosexuality or demisexuality to be valid identities, and this can be damaging for people who identify with these labels. Additionally, dating as a sapiosexual or a demisexual may be difficult due to hookup culture and dating apps, which frequently normalize dating based on pure physical attraction rather than an intellectual or emotional bond. Those of unconventional sexual orientations may also face stigma from society. 

If you’re struggling with your sexuality, know there are options available to help you navigate your challenges. You may wish to consider therapy, as working with a therapist can help you address any obstacles that prevent you from being comfortable in your skin and offer you the tools you deserve to be confident in who you are. 

If you’re interested in a convenient therapy option that can work well with a busy lifestyle, you may wish to consider online therapy. This available option generally allows you to connect with a therapist from the comfort of your home, which can help you be more comfortable discussing potentially personal subjects like sexuality.

While studies on the efficacy of online therapy for exploring sexuality may not yet exist, a large body of evidence supports the notion that online therapy can be equally as effective as traditional in-person therapy when it comes to treating a variety of mental health concerns.