Understanding A Man Who Identifies As Sapiosexual
Medically reviewed by Julie Dodson, MA, LCSW
Updated April 18, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Sapiosexuality is a sexual preference in which individuals tend to be highly attracted to intelligent people. People with this identity usually prioritize a person’s intelligence over other traits, such as their looks or personality. For lots of people with this identity, sexual attraction or emotional connection does not occur unless they are attracted to a person’s intelligence first.
If you may be sapiosexual, there may be some dating differences of which to be aware. It can be beneficial to show interest in your partner’s hobbies, join a book club or other intellectual group together, and learn new skills together. For professional guidance in navigating your sexuality, consider online or face-to-face therapy.
Learn more about sexuality in online therapy
Is sapiosexuality a controversial sexual identity?
You may be wondering what it might mean to be sapiosexual. Some people may be new to the idea of sapiosexuality and may thus find it strange or confusing. Some people may also question if it is a true sexual identity since it is not necessarily widely known. However, it can be important to remember that sexuality is often a deeply personal thing, and each individual’s sexuality may vary.
While sapiosexuality may be somewhat rare, it can be a valid sexual identity. Some believe that sapiosexuality is unlike other sexual orientations and is technical just a preference rather than an orientation of its own. One study from 2018 suggests that between 1% and 8% of the population identify as sapiosexual.
However, there may be a limit to the intellectual level that people usually find attractive. The same 2018 study found that most people were attracted to individuals with an IQ of 120, which is generally above average and higher than 90% of the general population. However, once individuals hit an IQ of 135, their attractiveness typically goes down, according to potential mates.
Dating as a sapiosexual man
If you’re sapiosexual, you may encounter unique challenges when it comes to dating. While others who are dating may value factors like appearance and specific personality traits, you likely find it hard to be sexually attracted to others with whom you don’t have an intellectual connection. You may only be romantically attracted to highly intelligent people with whom you have similar interests.
For this reason, it may be helpful to communicate your sexuality and preferences upfront. Tell potential dates that intelligence and deep conversations can be integral to your romantic attraction to someone else. This may make it easier to immediately determine whether you may be compatible with someone. Sapiosexual individuals may end up connecting with other people of the same identity, as both would have their value of and attraction towards intelligence.
Additionally, if you’re someone who uses online dating, consider chatting with your matches about sapiosexuality, or even write that you are sapiosexual on your profile. After all, sapiosexuality was somewhat popularized by the dating website OkCupid, which was one of the first dating platforms to offer sapiosexuality as a selectable sexuality. Some dating apps may provide an easy way to meet sapiosexual people.
It can also be important to remember that you may date people who are not sapiosexual or who are less attracted to intelligence than you are. It may be crucial to compromise when it comes to date ideas and conversation topics in order to get to know new people.
How do I know if I am sapiosexual? Being sexually attracted to intelligence
It may be difficult to determine whether you’re sapiosexual. In general, it is not a particularly well-known sexuality, and it may be hard to find information about it. Additionally, you may struggle to determine whether or not you are attracted to intelligence to the degree of being sapiosexual.
This can be hard to distinguish because most people tend to be attracted to intelligence. Studies show that intelligence is often one of the top qualities people look for in a romantic partner. However, while many people may be attracted sexually to smart people, the difference is usually that sapiosexual people may be unable to experience any sexual attraction without an intellectual connection. On the other hand, people who are not sapiosexual can still be sexually attracted to people with whom they do not have an intellectual connection. This is similar to demisexual people, who cannot find someone sexually attractive until they have formed an emotional bond.
If you are unsure whether you are sapiosexual, consider the following signs of sapiosexuality:
- You find it arousing when someone speaks in depth about a complex topic
- You gravitate toward “nerdy” characteristics in others, like glasses-wearing or bookishness
- You care more about someone’s thoughts and ideas than their looks
- You can’t stand small talk
- You feel energized or sexually aroused by stimulating conversation
- You prefer partners with above-average intelligence
- You have the most fun while participating in mentally engaging activities
- You like teaching things to partners or being taught by partners
- You like debates and deep conversations, and may be sexually aroused by these types of conversations
- You find lectures sexually arousing
If you are still unsure whether or not you might be sapiosexual, consider using psychometric evaluation or the help of a professional.
Dating as someone interested in a sapiosexual man
If the man you are interested in dating is a sapiosexual, you may be wondering how to be a good potential partner to him or how to appeal to his preferences. When planning a first date, try to think of activities that are conducive to deep conversations and engagement on an intellectual level. Some ideas for getting to know a sapiosexual person include:
Express interest in his hobbies and interests
Sapiosexual people most likely know a lot about the things in which they are interested. For example, if you are dating a sapiosexual who is interested in photography, you may ask them about what inspired their love of photography, who their favorite photographers are, and why they enjoy photography. This can prompt connection through conversation – something that sapiosexual people often need in relationships.
Ask them about their favorite books or documentaries
Expressing interest in their intellectual life can make a sapiosexual person feel seen. Asking them about books or movies they like can show that you understand their preferences and help you get to know them better.
Consider joining a book club together
Many sapiosexual individuals like to read, and joining a book club together can provide a way to spend time together while also learning something new and connecting with others.
Learn a new skill together
Because sapiosexual people often value learning and education, taking a class together or learning a new skill as a couple can be a great way to bolster your relationship. They may be attracted to seeing you learn a new skill, and this can also provide a fun and productive avenue for spending time together.
Remember, if a sapiosexual man is attracted to you or interested in dating you, it’s likely that you already possess the qualities he prefers. Try not to pressure yourself to be more “intellectual” than you naturally are. However, if you are not also sapiosexual, you may find it difficult to get to know one another beyond an intellectual connection. For this reason, you may want to talk to your partner about engaging in other forms of connection that you like in addition to the ones they prefer.
Understanding the spectrum of attraction: What is a sexual orientation?
There tend to be many nuances when it comes to attraction. Some people want to date exclusively women, for example, whereas others are open to dating all genders and sexual identities. While sexual orientation often falls into three distinct categories – gay, straight, and bisexual – sexual attraction can be more of a gray area and can involve overlapping.
Who and what we are attracted to usually varies greatly from person to person. While some people may be unaware of sapiosexuality or doubt that it is a valid sexuality, it can be important to note that all sexual identities are valid, including sapiosexuality.
Therapy for mental health support with sexual attraction
If you’re trying to understand your sexuality, you may feel confused and overwhelmed. Although society may have become more accepting of various sexual orientations and gender identities, it can still be difficult to navigate dating and romance if you’re unsure about your own sexuality. If you feel attraction for intelligent people or have unconventional mate preferences, you may find benefit from exploring your sexuality with a professional.
Additionally, if you’re sapiosexual, you may struggle with dating or finding someone with whom you have a good intellectual connection. For these problems and more related to sexuality and identity, therapy may be a helpful tool. Working with a therapist can empower you to explore your thoughts about your sexuality in a safe and supportive environment. Various therapy modalities, like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and affirmative therapy, can be utilized for concerns around sexuality.
Learn more about sexuality in online therapy
You can also opt for online therapy, which generally allows you to connect with a therapist from the comfort of your home. With thousands of therapists with whom you may connect, it’s often easier to find a licensed professional who has experience helping others with questions about sexuality and identity.
While there may not yet be research on the efficacy of online therapy for exploring your sexuality, existing evidence suggests that online and in-person therapy tend to have the same level of effectiveness.
Takeaway
Sapiosexuality can be defined as a sexual identity in which people are attracted primarily to a person’s intelligence. Sapiosexual peoples typically prioritize intellectual curiosity and intellectual attraction over other traits, like personality and physical appearance. If you’re sapiosexual or interested in dating someone who is sapiosexual, expressing interest in your partner’s interests and learning new skills together can enhance your relationship. If you’re struggling with your sexuality, finding it hard to meet like-minded individuals, or are looking for mental health support, you may wish to consider online therapy.
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