What Is Ugly Duckling Syndrome, And What Can I Do If I Have It?
“Ugly duckling syndrome” is a phrase that has been making its way around social media. Despite the official-sounding word “syndrome,” it’s not a scientific term. Instead, ugly duckling syndrome refers to the emotional and social challenges around shifting societal perceptions. Here, we’ll take a closer look at exactly what ugly duckling syndrome is, the challenges it can present, and tips for addressing them.
What is ugly duckling syndrome?
In the 1843 Danish fairytale, The Ugly Duckling, an ungainly young duck doesn’t fit in with its family. It’s considered “ugly” by the other ducks and grows up believing in its own unattractiveness. The baby duck is rejected and taunted and spends most of its time alone—until one day, all the animals around the pond are shocked to find that the “ugly duckling” has grown into a swan, considered beautiful by everyone. The story teaches the lesson that the “duckling” wasn’t ugly at all—just different.
In a process sometimes referred to as a “glow up” on social media, someone who was considered an “ugly duckling” in their youth may experience challenging emotions related to suddenly being treated differently by a society that highly values physical appearance.
Signs that you may be experiencing ugly duckling syndrome
For someone who was never considered or never felt conventionally attractive, beautiful, handsome, or “hot” growing up, it can be a tough cognitive and emotional shift to now be treated as physically attractive. Though it’s not a diagnosable or clinical syndrome or disorder, there are some socially recognized signs that you may be experiencing ugly duckling syndrome, including:
- You’re self-conscious about your looks. Because you were not recognized or treated as attractive for so many years, it may be difficult to think of yourself as good-looking, even if people start treating you that way. As a result, someone with UDS may feel judged by others, spend time and money trying to appear more attractive, and/or find themselves continually comparing their looks to those of others.
- You experience low self-esteem. Especially for those who were bullied or ignored by most people due to their appearance in the past, low self-worth and poor self-image in “ugly ducklings,” or individuals with UDS, common. As a result, it can be difficult to accept compliments from others, or you may assume that you are being teased if someone says you are attractive.
- You have trouble telling if someone is attracted to you. Social cues may be more challenging to pick up on if you’re not accustomed to positive attention from others. It may be hard to tell when someone is flirting with you or interested in you romantically and/or sexually.
- You’re uncomfortable with attention. When a person is accustomed to being negatively judged for their appearance, it can be uncomfortable or even alarming to suddenly receive positive attention. For example, you may have trouble making eye contact with others or feel awkward when someone tries to make conversation with you.
- You tend to value personality over appearance. Because of the values you internalized as a perceived “unattractive person,” you may be more likely to include and show kindness to people that society may consider conventionally unattractive. Especially if people treated you unkindly in the past based on your appearance, you may make an effort to avoid the same thing happening to those around you.
Challenges often associated with ugly duckling syndrome
Experiencing ugly duckling syndrome has the potential to lead to negative impacts on a person’s life and relationships. Some challenges that you might experience as a result of ugly duckling syndrome include:
- Trouble feeling connected to others. A lack of trust is common in individuals who are not used to receiving positive attention. As a result, someone with ugly duckling syndrome may have difficulty accepting compliments, affection, or love from friends and loved ones or feeling emotionally connected to others.
- Craving validation. A person who was previously rejected or ignored because they didn’t match society’s standards for conventional attractiveness may come to crave validation related to their looks. They may frequently seek it out from others in an effort to soothe the part of them that was hurt by their past experiences.
- Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Some people who had the idea or impression that they weren’t conventionally unattractive growing up may not be used to receiving positive attention. This experience could cause them to develop people-pleasing tendencies and to have trouble setting boundaries with friends and romantic partners.
Tips for addressing the challenges of ugly duckling syndrome
If you’re experiencing uncomfortable or distressing effects of ugly duckling syndrome, there are some areas you can work on that may help bring balance to your life, such as:
- Work on ways to boost your self-esteem. Engaging in gratitude, practicing self-compassion, and making a list of your best non-physical qualities or your proudest accomplishments are all examples of techniques that may help you increase your self-esteem over time.
- Practice accepting compliments. When a person gives you a kind compliment, you might practice holding eye contact and thanking them without deprecating yourself. It could also help to practice becoming aware of and challenging unhelpful and unkind thoughts related to compliments, such as “They don’t really mean it” or “They’re just being nice.” Practicing mindfulness and engaging in cognitive behavioral therapy with a licensed provider are two methods that may help with this.
- Learn to set healthy boundaries in your relationships. Again, it’s not uncommon for individuals experiencing UDS to exhibit people-pleasing tendencies and have trouble speaking up for their wants and needs. Learning to set healthy boundaries can take time, but techniques like pausing to check in with yourself before agreeing to something, saying “No” more often, and getting comfortable with discomfort could be helpful in the process.
Finally, engaging in therapy can also be an effective way to identify and navigate many of the emotional and social challenges that can come with experiencing ugly duckling syndrome. A therapist can offer the support and tools that may help you increase self-esteem and self-worth, draw healthy boundaries in your relationships, and manage stress. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in particular was designed to help individuals learn to shift distorted and negative thoughts and to adopt healthier and more positive patterns, and research suggests that it can be effective in improving self-esteem.
For those who may have difficulty scheduling or regularly attending in-person therapy sessions, online therapy can be a convenient alternative. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist after filling out a brief questionnaire, and you can then meet with them remotely from the comfort of your own home. Recent studies suggest that online CBT can be as effective as in-person therapy in many cases.
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