Dating After College: How To Build Successful Relationships

Post-college dating often comes with unique challenges that recent grads may be surprised to encounter. In college, meeting someone can seem simple and straightforward. With groups, classes, and social activities on- and off-campus, there may be plenty of opportunities to meet like-minded people. 

After college, though, meeting people can require more effort, and you may have fewer opportunities to do so. In fact, about 75% of single people say it’s difficult to find people to date.

Figuring out how to meet people while working your first full-time job and taking on more responsibilities can result in a sense of pressure and anxiety. It can be helpful to speak to a therapist if you’re overwhelmed by the prospect of dating after college or if you struggle to form healthy relationships.

Consider what you want

When dating after college, it can be helpful to consider what you want out of a relationship. One of the first things you should decide may be whether you’re interested in a long-term, serious relationship or are looking for something more casual. You should also determine if you want to be exclusive with one person or if you are open to dating multiple people or having multiple committed partners. 

Once you have a better idea of the type of relationship you’d like, ask yourself the following questions:

• What qualities or traits are you looking for in a partner? 
• Do you have any non-starters or deal-breakers?
• What has worked for you in past relationships? 
• What hasn’t worked for you in past relationships?
• What are your values and beliefs?
• What are your red flags, and what are you doing to work on them?
• Are you happy with yourself?

What you want from a relationship will likely affect who you date. For example, if you’re looking for someone with whom to build a long-term relationship and know that you want to get married and have children, you may look for someone with different traits than if you want something more casual. Use your best judgment to determine the path that is right for you, or talk to a therapist or those who know you well for further insight.

Remember, there are no rules for dating after college. Whatever you decide you want may be okay as long as you and those you are dating are safe and happy. That said, remember that being on the same page as the people you’re dating about things like commitment, exclusivity, and expectations can be helpful. 

How to meet people after college

A significant change that some people may experience after college is having to put more effort into finding like-minded people. In college, you may have been around a lot of people who shared the same interests as you, whether that was through associating with other people in your major or in clubs or groups that you joined. 

After college, if you want to meet people, including people to date, you may need to make an effort to put yourself out there and expand your circle of friends. 

If you’re having a hard time meeting new people, here are some things you can try: 

• Spend time doing things you enjoy. The more time you spend doing activities you enjoy, the more likely you may be to meet someone with common interests. For example, if you love physical activity, strike up a conversation with someone you met at the gym or join an intramural sports league. If you love to read, join a book club or go to a reading at your local bookstore. 
• Be open to meeting friends of friends. Ask your friends if they know of anyone you might be interested in dating. If they want to set you up with someone, give it a try. Being open to new experiences can be an effective way to meet new people. 
• Try a dating app. Many dating apps enable you to find people you may otherwise not have had the chance to meet. 
• Ask someone out. If there is someone in whom you are interested, whether it’s the man you see every morning at the bus stop or the woman you bump into on your mid-day coffee run, make the first move and ask them out. If they say no, remember that it doesn’t mean anything about your value as a human being. Learning to handle rejection can be valuable when dating after college.

Building successful relationships

Once you find someone you’re interested in dating, the following strategies may help you build a successful relationship. 

Utilizing effective communication skills

Communication tends to be a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. It can help you become more connected to your partner and work through any challenges you face together.

One tip for improving communication is to clearly tell your partner what you need. No one can read your mind, so you shouldn’t make your partner guess or expect them to know what you need or what you’re thinking.

Good communication usually also involves being an active listener. When talking to your partner, be present. Put away your phone and give them your full attention. Try to listen without judgment, attempting to understand the other person’s point of view even though you might disagree with it. Ask questions to help you understand them better, but don’t interrupt. Wait until they are finished talking before you respond.

Knowing how to fight fairly

All couples may fight sometimes, but there are techniques you can use to fight productively and fairly without causing unnecessary pain. 

When you are in the heat of the moment, take a deep breath and think before saying anything. When tensions are high, you may be tempted to say something hurtful that will likely only worsen things. Avoid personal attacks like name-calling or criticism, and try to focus on the real issues at hand without getting off-track.

Many couples have the same arguments repeatedly and may be able to predict what their partners will say and how they will respond. For a more productive outcome, you can try to change what you say and how you say it. Reframe your argument using respectful language to see if you get different results. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes to try to understand their point of view as well.

Understanding consent

Consent can be seen as an ongoing process of communication between people who are engaging in physical intimacy or sexual activity to ensure that all parties involved are comfortable and that everyone’s boundaries are respected. Consent should be freely and clearly communicated. 

Ensuring verbal and affirmative consent during intimacy is generally a safe standard to follow; this is sometimes called enthusiastic consent. Rather than waiting for someone to say “no,” enthusiastic consent requires someone to say “yes.” To obtain enthusiastic consent, the other party can ask permission before changing the type or degree of sexual activity by asking, “Is this okay?" and confirming interest before continuing.

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

You don’t have to figure it out alone

Dating after college can be overwhelming. If you’re having difficulty determining what you want from your dating life or need help building self-confidence, working with a therapist can be beneficial. 

Online therapy can be a suitable option if you’re concerned about long commutes or if your area lacks available providers. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can work with a licensed mental health professional from the comfort of your home at a time that works for your schedule. There are more than 30,000 providers on the platform, and you can change therapists at any time until you find the right fit for you. If you want to attend therapy with your partner, BetterHelp also has a sister site called Regain that supports couples counseling.

In addition to being flexible and convenient, research has found that online therapy can be highly effective. Studies suggest that client outcomes are the same regardless of whether a person attends therapy face-to-face or online.