Questions To Ask On The First Date

The dating world can be tricky to navigate at times. From making a good first impression to deciding who pays for dinner on the first date, there's a lot of etiquette to learn—and oftentimes, plenty of awkward moments. But before you jump into this pool, it's important to take some time to ask yourself a few dating questions and reflect on whether or not you're actually ready to date.

If you’re ready to start going on dates and to find your person, it can help to know what you’re looking for in a significant other—or whether you're looking for a partner at all rather than a best friend —and how you’d like a relationship to look. This can help you to determine what questions to ask and how to approach your relationship, possibly helping you to have the best chances at creating the life you want. 

To that end, we’ve compiled a list of first date questions to ask yourself and open-ended questions that can help you confidently embark on your dating journey and increase your chances of finding the right person for you.

Questions to ask on the first date

First dates can be nerve-wracking for many people—whether you meet at a restaurant or a coffee shop—and it may be that your date is just as or more nervous than you. First date questions are generally intended to break the ice with the new person in front of you while getting a sense of who they are. While some awkward silences are common when you're first getting to know someone, there are some ways to reduce first date jitters. If you're looking for suggestions on what to ask on a first date, the following might help:

Ask open-ended questions that allow your date to express themselves, and then actively listen to their answers. Psychologist Carl Rogers considered deep listening the key to building a healthy relationship. While listening is not always easy, it's a skill that can be learned. Listening will also give you a clearer sense of who your date is and may help you pick up cues on their personality, sense of humor, and style of communication—factors that can help you figure out if you're interested in them.

Dream job

Some people liken a first date to a job interview, a sentiment that can put a lot of pressure on both parties. If you're just starting to date again, for example, you may want to view a first date as a mutual way to get to know each other and find out whether you want to see them again. However, just as it can take a few interviews before you land a dream job, finding a partner can take a few first dates.

Past relationships

It's understandable to want to know about the past relationships of the person with whom you've decided to go on a first date. However, unless it's a spontaneous thing, naturally mentioned in the course of the conversation, this is a topic that might alter the tone of the first date, making it less light-hearted. Each person sees this differently, though. Some people consider it inappropriate or intrusive to ask questions about exes on a first date. Others eschew what they consider "small talk" so they wouldn't shy away from asking about their date's version of their life partner or delving into topics that matter to their date. 

Someone who has already been in regular contact with their date may favor presenting their true self by discussing more serious topics, regardless of whether or not it leads to a second date. 

Another person may be more interested in establishing common ground by sticking to typical first-date questions. While there is no "rule" as to which type of questions to ask, someone may feel nervous or uncomfortable discussing these questions on a first date. If you ask an open-ended question about exes or a previous relationship, you must wait to see how the date responds before asking follow-up questions. 

What are the questions to ask on your first date 

If you're looking for specific questions to ask on your date, you may first wish to consider your intentions and what you're hoping to get out of the date. Sometimes having a few questions prepared can help you get the conversation going. A few suggestions:

• Ask a few ice breakers, such as "Are you a night owl or a morning person?", "What's your dream vacation?", "What was your favorite tv show growing up?" or "What's the worst movie you ever saw?"

• Ask questions that aim at finding out their values and what really matters to them, such as "What's really important to you?"

• If it matters to you that the person has a defined sense of what they're looking for in a relationship (or just this date), it's okay to ask them questions like, "What are you looking for?" or "What do you most value in a relationship?"

• If you delve into past relationships, you may consider asking, "What is something you've learned in your previous relationship?" This might clue you into their level of self-awareness and ability to reflect on what they could've done differently. It might also let you in on whether they take responsibility or put all the blame on their ex for how the relationship ended.

Important questions for yourself

Knowing the qualities you’re looking for in a partner and what you’d like out of a dating relationship can help you increase the odds of finding a good match and having an enjoyable first date. You may want to determine the values that are important to you, how much freedom you’d like to retain, and the level of commitment you’re ready to offer. The following are some helpful questions you can ask yourself before you start dating—helping you to avoid the first date jitters as you start a conversation in confidence. 

What kind of relationship am I seeking?

When you’re dating, it can be important to have a clear idea of the shape you’d like a relationship with a potential partner to take. This may depend on several factors, such as your available free time, career, long-term goals, etc. You might be looking for someone to date casually and have fun with, or maybe you’d like to develop a more serious, committed partnership with someone who can keep the conversation flowing. Knowing the type of relationship you’re interested in can help you better focus your dating search and make the most of your time, prompting you to determine what’s the best way to get to what you want on the timeline in which you want it. It can also help you communicate your needs and preferences to potential partners once you start dating.

What values am I looking for in a partner?

Try to take some time to reflect on what matters most to you and consider what qualities and beliefs you would like to see in a potential partner. This can help you ask the right questions, attract the right person, and build a fulfilling and meaningful relationship from a first date.

How much independence do I want?

There's no one-size-fits-all formula for how involved you’d like a potential partner to be in your life and how much time you’d like for yourself. You may already know how much space you like in a relationship based on past experience or other factors, such as time constraints. 

The key to a successful dating relationship often lies in finding a balance that works for both parties. Determining your expectations ahead of time can help you be clear with a date about how much time you can commit to them. 

How (and how often) do I want to stay in contact with a partner?

Communication is a key aspect of relationships, but figuring out how much interaction works for both parties can be challenging. Some people thrive on frequent interactions, while others prefer more intermittent contact. 

Additionally—whether you enjoy speaking on the phone, texting, emailing, or using other channels—determining your communication style within a relationship can be important. It can help you better determine how you’ll stay connected with someone you’re dating and avoid complications later on. For example, if a potential partner likes to text throughout the day, but you’re not comfortable being in such close contact, you can set expectations regarding communication that work for both of you.  

What level of commitment can I offer?

Are you ready for a long-term relationship, or do you want to keep things more casual? Prior to dating another person, it can help to be honest with yourself about what you’re willing to commit to. Mismatched expectations can lead to hurt feelings and tension while dating. Knowing how much commitment you’re willing to offer can help you be upfront and honest once you start going on first dates.

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