Important Things To Know About Polyamorous Dating

Polyamory is generally considered to be a type of consensual non-monogamy. Research suggests that it can often be motivated by the desire to fulfill unmet needs, achieve personal growth, develop identity, express political values, explore various sexual orientations, belong to a community, or experience sexual diversity. 

Polyamorous relationships can fulfill these desires and add positive value to your life. However, polyamorous dating generally relies on clear communication to be successful. Still, you may have polyam friends but are confused about what it entails and how you might be able to pursue this type of relationship. If you’re unsure how to talk about your needs and desires, a poly-affirming therapist can help. Read on to learn more about polyamorous dating. 

What is polyamory?

Polyamory can mean different things to different people. Still, many people in poly relationships practice ethical non-monogamy with multiple partners that may or may not involve romantic attachments (or sexual relationships). 

Other types of ethical non-monogamy, such as “monogamish” or swinging, generally involve non-monogamous sexual relationships without romantic attachment. An example might involve those who are married engaging in a relationship with a new partner. In some cases, partners may even choose to be friends with a significant other’s other partners.

Types of polyamorous relationship structures can include:

• Triad: This term can define long-term relationships between a poly couple and another person.

• Vee: This term can define a poly relationship where one person separately dates two people (who might not be romantically involved with each other). 

• Quad: This term can define poly couples who date other couples. 

• Polycule: This term can define the network of people involved in multiple relationships. 

• Anchor partners: This term can define a partnership that is not hierarchical but recognizes differences in that relationship. 

• Solo polyamory: This term can define a poly person who lives alone but has multiple partners. 

• Hierarchical polyamory: This term generally describes a situation in which a primary couple has secondary partnerships/relationships.

• Parallel polyamory: This term can define a structure in which multiple people involved in a relationship with one person do not engage with each other and instead communicate through that partner to discuss any concerns. 

• Kitchen-table polyamory: This term can define a structure in which everyone in the polycule can openly discuss their relationships together. 

• Relationship anarchy: This term can describe a situation in which there are no defined restrictions, rules, labels, or hierarchy concerning romantic and sexual connections. Honest communication and trust are generally relied upon in this instance.

• Polyfidelity: This term can define polyamorous relationships that generally agree not to go outside of the polycule for sexual or romantic connection. 

Polyamory can be complicated, and it can often rely on clear communication and trust to express needs and desires.

Polyamorous vs. monogamous relationships

Monogamous relationships involve a closed relationship with one other partner, focusing on exclusive emotional and physical bonds. Many prefer this structure for its clarity in the relationship structure and the stability it may provide, making it easier to dedicate quality time and emotional work to one partner. 

Polyamorous relationships, on the other hand, often involve dating multiple people in which everyone is aware of each other's presence. This arrangement requires significant emotional labor and communication, aiming to ensure no one will feel insecure or left out. Despite potential challenges like power imbalances and metamour jealousy, engaging in polyamory can feel like a win-win for many people, offering the advantage of experiencing diverse forms of love and support. 

Choosing between monogamy and polyamory depends on personal preferences, what one might expect, emotional capacity, and whether one might be afraid or ready to assume the responsibility of managing multiple relationships. Monogamy offers simplicity and stability, appealing to those who value exclusivity. Polyamory may require more communication but provides a broad support network, suitable for those desiring connections with multiple partners simultaneously.

What motivates people to try polyamory? 

According to research theories, the motivation for engaging in polyamorous relationships can vary, but possible reasons might include some of the following: 

Fulfilling unmet needs

Some people cannot meet all their psychological needs within a monogamous relationship. A poly relationship often makes sense to allow for different needs to be met by multiple partners. 

Personal growth and freedom

Ethical non-monogamy can provide a sense of autonomy, self-expression, authenticity, and a more equal division of power when meeting people. For example, individuals may experience increased personal growth as they explore relationships with autonomy and clear boundaries in an ethically, non-monogamous setting.

Developing identity

Many people might engage in poly relationships for a short period of time, possibly as they are developing a sense of self and experimenting before making monogamous commitments. 

Religious or political rebellion against cultural norms

Some people may engage in poly relationships as a form of self-expression against norms and societal expectations. 

Exploring sexual identities

Polyamorous relationships might often fall outside of the dichotomy and expectations of monogamous relationships (particularly heterosexual monogamous relationships). Poly relationships can enable further exploration of identities such as fluidity and bisexuality, particularly when dating people with different sexual orientations.

New sexual experiences

Ethically non-monogamous poly relationships can improve reported passion in otherwise monogamous relationships, and some people might consider poly relationships as a method of exploring sexual variety and desire. 

Sense of community

Polycules can be formed based on values, attitudes, and relationship beliefs. Spending time with polyamorous friends in a poly community may create close connections and a sense of belonging that can improve social support. This may be particularly valuable for individuals with a limited social network or those who might experience stigma or minority stress. 

Attachment theory and psychodynamic reasons

Some people who have avoidant or insecure attachment styles may seek poly relationships to avoid intense emotional attachment to a single partner. Other people, such as those who have previously experienced infidelity, may choose poly relationships to avoid re-traumatization. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

The rationale behind why people choose polyamory can vary. However, the foundation of polyamory is, for many, the belief that emotional and/or physical intimacy can occur with multiple people rather than a single partner. People who engage in polyamory might believe that romantic love is not a finite resource.  

Planning for successful polyamorous relationships

Generally speaking, many people have tried (or want to try) polyamorous relationships. According to a U.S. Census sample of almost 3,500 people, 16.8% of people reported wanting to engage in polyamory—and 10.7% of people have tried polyamorous relationships at some point. 

However, establishing strong poly relationships generally relies on partners having clear communication to determine boundaries, desires, schedules, responsibilities, and other agreements.

The following are suggestions one might consider before entering a poly relationship: 

Prioritizing communication

Establishing a dedicated time to meet and discuss needs in a non-judgmental, blame-free, and safe space can be helpful, especially early in the relationship.

Understanding that jealousy can be normal

Most people might experience occasional jealousy. Comparison, or happiness derived from the joy of others, can be highlighted to reframe jealousy. 

Establishing boundaries

Ethical non-monogamy is not generally considered cheating. Honest communication, trust, agreement, permission, and frequent reassessment are generally required to ensure everyone's boundaries are respected.

Determining time commitments

Relationships generally require both receiving and giving attention. The time commitment of polyamorous dating can be challenging to manage, so you may want to consider a calendar and be realistic about your ability to manage various commitments. 

Considering relationship structure(s) that appeal to you

Unlike monogamy, healthy polyamorous relationships, where experiences such as what happens when you add a new partner, might not be frequently modeled in media. Learning about different relationship structures can help you prepare to talk with your partner(s) about what you want. If you and your monogamous partner are considering polyamory, it can be helpful to consider: 

• How much you want to tell each other about your other partners 

• Discussing how responsibilities, such as child-rearing and finances, may change

• Determining whether you want to set aside time for just the two of you and if you want a hierarchical component in your poly relationship

• Boundaries 

• How you can communicate concerns, requests, or disagreements

• If both partners truly want to try polyamory, or if one partner agrees to try polyamory out of guilt or fear

• If your expectations are realistic  

If you are unsure how to start a conversation with your monogamous partner, you might consider these strategies:

• Be intentional, vulnerable, and not under the influence of drugs or alcohol 

• Emphasize what works and focus on ensuring your partner feels safe before discussing what you want to change in your relationship 

• Utilize “I” language to express how you feel rather than speaking in absolutes 

• Highlight love and how polyamory can enable a more expansive form of love 

• Don’t rush your partner, and instead give them time to process the idea 

• Consider reaching out to a therapist to hold more productive, vulnerable conversations 

Finding polyamory help and support

Communication can be challenging in any relationship. Additionally, jealousy, guilt, shame, or minority stress can put you at a higher risk of developing mental health conditions, such as an anxiety disorder or depressive disorder—which can contribute to communication difficulties. A poly-affirming online therapist can be a helpful resource to build stronger relationships and improve your quality of life. 

It can feel overwhelming to discuss polyamorous desires and other relationship concerns face-to-face in a clinical office setting. Many couples might feel freer to be honest and open in online therapy. 

Research is still being conducted when it comes to poly-friendly virtual therapy options, specifically. However, couples counseling has been suggested to effectively manage relationships, improve social skills, and reduce symptoms of anxiety disorders and depression. 

In a 2019 study, for example, couples were asked to attend video-conferencing therapy sessions. The study found that online couples therapy was effective and that many couples found it more comfortable to discuss sex and relationships with a therapist that they were physically distant from. BetterHelp can provide you with online therapists in your area of need.