Analyzing The Cycle Of Domestic Violence

Medically reviewed by Corey Pitts, MA, LCMHC, LCAS, CCS

Updated October 10, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include abuse which could be triggering to the reader. If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7. Please also see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

One way to combat domestic violence is to analyze and comprehend the cycle of abuse. There are often patterns in abuse, and while specific details can vary, the overall progression may not deviate far from the norm. Understanding the cycle of domestic violence entails observing the warning signs, taking note of typical behaviors and characteristics of abusers, and maintaining an awareness of the unique types of domestic violence that can exist.

Before analyzing the cycle of domestic violence, understanding that anyone can be a survivor can be paramount. Anyone of any gender, sexuality, age, nationality, race, or background can be abusive or be a survivor of abuse. Domestic violence does not discriminate, and the identities of the people involved do not change the severity of the case. Regardless of who experiences domestic violence, the cycle involves three key phases, including tension building, abusive behaviors, and the honeymoon phase.

Are you in need of therapy after domestic violence?

Licensed online therapists can help

Phase one: The tension-building phase

The first phase in the cycle of domestic violence is the tension-building phase. Tension and discord between the parties may begin after an argument or disagreement. There are various ways in which the tension-building phase can manifest, but it often acts as a warning sign of the escalation of future abuse.

Tensions can mount over matters like money, employment, household responsibilities, or people outside of the relationship. At the beginning of the tension-building phase, the abusive partner may gradually lash out at the survivor via name-calling, insults, or put-downs. They may stop being as loving, kind, and charming as they may have been when the two individuals met, which may confuse the survivor.

In turn, the person who is being mistreated may attempt to please them or ask them why they're suddenly acting unkindly. The survivor might believe that changing their behavior or actions can dispel any arguments or disagreements before their inception. They may also attempt to appease the perpetrator by tiptoeing around them, trying to stay out of their way, or going out of their way to give the individual everything they ask for. However, none of these attempts at reconciliation work, although they may temporarily stop the abuse for a few hours or days.

The tension-building phase is steady yet gradual. This phase of domestic violence may cause the survivor to have a clue that something bigger and more dangerous is brewing. This unease may prompt them to attempt to avoid this "blow up" by doing everything they can to stop the tension.

In some cases, the attempts of the individual to appease the abuser may lead to the abusive phase, as the individual may not be satisfied by their attempts or turn the attempt against the survivor. Deep down, the abuser may know that they are acting unhealthily. However, due to the tension, they choose to lash out at the survivor to absolve themselves of guilt or responsibility.

Phase two: The abusive phase

If you are experiencing sexual abuse or have experienced assault, note that the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) has a hotline dedicated to supporting individuals experiencing sexual assault, harassment, or intimate partner violence. You can contact them anytime by calling 800-656-HOPE (4673) or using the online chat.

The abusive phase occurs when the perpetrator lashes out at the survivor. This abuse may occur physically, such as hitting, punching, throwing objects, destroying property, forcing sexual contact, choking, shaking, smacking, or restraining them. However, physical and sexual abuse are not the only types of abuse that can occur.

Domestic abuse can come in various forms

While physical and sexual abuse is domestic violence, understanding and recognizing that abuse can occur in various manners is paramount. In some cases, abusers employ multiple forms of abuse to control the survivor and have power over them. Abuse is based on a desire to control the other person's actions, thoughts, and emotions.

Abusers may use threats and intimidation

Some perpetrators of domestic violence use threats and intimidation as tactics to maintain their control over survivors. They may destroy objects, throw dirty looks, threaten to kick their partner out of the home or suggest harming the survivor's family, friends, or loved ones. Abusers may also attempt to control their survivors financially by preventing them from going to work, stealing their money or credit cards, sabotaging their current employment, or refusing to allow them to have their own money.

Despite the mounting tension that occurs before the abuse, the abusive phase may still be a surprise to the survivor. Perpetrators of domestic violence may seemingly "explode" and lash out unpredictably or over insignificant topics. When an abuser mistreats their partner, it may seem impossible to reason or rationalize with them. The survivor may attempt to calm down the perpetrator of the abuse, but it may make the abuse worse or be unsuccessful.

Domestic violence often occurs in cycles

Another part of the domestic violence cycle comes in the form of escalated instances of abuse. Some survivors may initially believe that the episodes are one-time occurrences and won't happen again. However, as domestic violence occurs in cycles, the abusive phase repeats itself and may worsen each time.

The perpetrator may first start by hitting the survivors. Hitting may escalate to punching, and punching may escalate to strangling. Some people may end up losing their lives to domestic violence, which may end the cycle for them, while their ex-partner moves on to someone else or faces legal challenges. Often, abusers do not stop acting abusively until they are forced to stop.

Many survivors may believe they can change their abuser or stop the abuse. However, this logic may be faulty because the survivor is not at fault for the abuse; the abuser is. Normal, healthy, and sane individuals do not mistreat and abuse the people they claim to love and care for. Abuse is not love. Domestic violence is not love. Mistreatment and intimidation are not love.

The honeymoon phase

The honeymoon phase may occur after the phase of abuse and before the tension-building phase repeats itself. Throughout the "honeymoon" phase, the abuser may profusely apologize for their actions. They may express genuine remorse, claim that they'll seek professional help, or revert to a loving, caring persona to regain the comfort and trust of their survivor.

The abuser's shift in conduct during the honeymoon phase may be enacted to prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. This phase of the domestic violence cycle can also be confusing for the person on the receiving end of the abuse. During the honeymoon phase, they may be reminded of the person they fell in love with. The kindness, promises, and vows to never lash out again may cause the survivor to believe that the relationship can be salvaged, at least at first.

Repeating the cycle of domestic violence

However, the cycle of abuse is often never-ending. No matter how often the abusive individual apologizes, cries, or begs for forgiveness after the fact, the cycle may repeat itself until the survivor leaves the relationship permanently. However, leaving an abusive relationship can be challenging. When abusers and perpetrators of domestic violence feel as though they are losing control or that the survivor will truly leave or has left the relationship, they may be more dangerous. 75% of homicides caused by abuse happen after a survivor has left a relationship.

For this reason, a vital support system can be critical for survivors. If a survivor is in a situation where they fear for their life or safety, they can contact the authorities and the Domestic Violence Hotline, which can connect them with resources and advocacy. While the abused individual may view notifying authorities as a betrayal to their abuser, it can often determine the difference between life and death. You're not alone, even if isolated from your immediate support system. Systems are in place to help survivors leave if they are ready.

Are you in need of therapy after domestic violence?

Licensed online therapists can help

Long-term mental health support for survivors of abuse

Immediate support can be essential for survivors, but many survivors are also left with mental health challenges after they leave a relationship. These challenges can consist of but are not limited to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, and chronic stress. If you're experiencing these mental health conditions or want to talk to a trauma-informed professional about leaving abuse, it may be beneficial to reach out to a licensed therapist for long-term care.

Some survivors may avoid seeking support from a therapist due to fears about leaving home or still being connected with their abuser. In these cases, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp may be effective. An online therapy platform lets clients connect with a therapist remotely via phone, video, or live chat sessions. If you don't want to speak aloud during therapy, you can use the live chat session option to talk to your therapist. In addition, you may be able to schedule sessions outside of standard business hours.

Studies back up online therapy's effectiveness for those with a history of domestic violence or abuse. One study found that survivors of domestic violence with PTSD or depression experienced significant improvements in symptom severity and quality of life.

Takeaway

The cycle of abuse can be challenging to experience and may seem to get quicker as time goes on in the relationship. However, you're not alone in experiencing this challenge; there are ways to find support. Consider contacting a domestic violence hotline for immediate support or an online or in-person therapist for long-term mental health guidance.

Frequently asked questions

Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.

What is the honeymoon stage in the cycle of domestic violence?

The "honeymoon phase" is a critical and somewhat misleading stage in the cycle of violence, particularly in the context of domestic violence. This phase follows an episode of abuse and is characterized by a period where the abusive partner may exhibit seemingly loving, kind, and remorseful behavior. It's a phase that creates a complex and confusing dynamic for the victim, often leading to a cycle that perpetuates the abuse.

During the honeymoon phase of domestic violence, the abusive partner may engage in various behaviors aimed at reconciliation or minimizing the recent abusive incident. These actions can include expressing remorse, apologizing, and making promises that the violence will never happen again. The abuser might display affectionate, caring, and attentive behaviors, give gifts, or be overly complimentary and loving.

This phase can be emotionally disorienting for the victim, as the abuser's seemingly positive behavior can instill hope that the relationship will improve and that the abuse will not recur. The phase often leads to a temporary cessation of violence and a superficially peaceful relationship period, which can convince the victim to stay in or return to the relationship.

However, the honeymoon phase is typically followed by a buildup of tension and, eventually, another abusive event perpetuating the cycle of violence. Recognizing this pattern is crucial for understanding the dynamics of domestic violence and the challenges victims face in leaving abusive relationships. It highlights the importance of external support and intervention in helping victims break free from the cycle of violence and seek safety and recovery.

Which behavior is an abuser likely to use in the honeymoon phase?

During the honeymoon phase of domestic violence, an abuser is likely to engage in various behaviors designed to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. One such behavior is employing manipulation. In the context of an abusive relationship, manipulative tactics are used by the abuser to confuse, control, or cause doubt in the victim.

These types of mind games can take several forms. The abuser might alternate between kindness and cruelty, creating an unpredictable emotional environment. This unpredictability keeps the victim off-balance, making it more difficult for them to make clear decisions about the relationship. The abuser may also gaslight the victim, a form of psychological manipulation where the victim is made to question their own memory, perception, or sanity. For example, the abuser might deny that the abuse occurred or claim that it wasn't as bad as the victim remembers.

Additionally, an abuser might make grand gestures of affection or promise to change. These actions are designed to give the victim hope for a better future and often lead the victim to rationalize or excuse the abusive behavior. The abuser may also shower the victim with gifts, apologies, and affection, which can be confusing and create a sense of obligation or guilt in the victim.

It's important to understand that these tactics are part of a deliberate strategy to maintain power and control in the relationship. While most abusive relationships follow a similar cycle, the specific behaviors displayed during the honeymoon phase may vary depending on the individual abuser's tactics and the victim's responses. Ultimately, this phase is part of a larger pattern of abuse and manipulation and not an indication of genuine change or healing in the relationship.

What concepts describe the honeymoon phase of gender-based violence?

When partners are experiencing violence in an intimate relationship, the honeymoon phase is a term used to describe the period that follows abuse. This stage can include anything from apologies and remorseful behavior to attempts at reconciliation and control. The honeymoon phase is often characterized by conflicting emotions for both the abuser and the victim.

The concepts of power and control play a significant role in understanding gender-based violence and its cycle of abuse. During this second phase of domestic violence, the damage can be felt by the victims as they feel increasingly powerless or have little control over how the abuse affects them. They may also have to depend on an abuser for physical, emotional, or financial needs, which can be used against them in the future.

Another crucial concept that applies to the honeymoon phase is trauma bonding. Trauma bonding refers to the intense emotional attachment victims develop with their abusers due to the cycle of abuse and manipulation. The abuser uses a combination of reward and punishment techniques, leading the victim to develop an attachment that is based on fear, hope, and feelings of dependence.

Cognitive dissonance is another concept often used to describe the conflicting emotions victims experience during this phase. This concept refers to the psychological discomfort that arises when a person holds two conflicting beliefs or ideas. In the context of domestic violence, victims may struggle to reconcile the abuser's loving and kind behavior with their previous violent actions, leading to confusion and internal conflict.

Understanding these concepts can help increase awareness about the dynamics of gender-based violence and how victims are affected by the cycle of abuse. When we are more aware of the motivations and tactics of abusers, we can better support victims in breaking free from abusive relationships and seeking safety and healing.

What are the four cycles of emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence that involves using words, behaviors, and actions to control, manipulate, or diminish another person's mental and emotional well-being. While the specific tactics used by an abuser may vary, there are four general cycles that commonly occur in emotionally abusive relationships.

The first cycle is known as the tension-building phase. In this phase, small conflicts or disagreements may arise, and the abuser may become increasingly critical or demanding. This can lead to a sense of walking on eggshells for the victim as they try to avoid triggering the abuser's anger or hostility.

The second cycle is known as an explosive phase. During this phase, tension reaches its peak, and the abuse occurs. This can take various forms, such as verbal attacks, physical violence, or manipulation. This phase can be intense and frightening for the victim, who may experience a range of emotions such as fear, shame, guilt, and anger.

After the explosion phase comes the third cycle, known as the calm phase or honeymoon phase. In this stage, the abuser may apologize profusely and show remorse for their actions. They may also promise to change or make grand gestures of affection, trying to lure the victim back into the relationship. This phase often creates confusion and conflicting emotions for the victim, who may struggle to reconcile these actions with the previous abuse.

The final cycle is known as reconciliation and recovery. In this phase, both the abuser and the victim try to move on from the abusive incident. The abuser may try to minimize the abuse or deny it, while the victim may start making excuses for their behavior. This cycle creates a false sense of hope and can perpetuate the cycle of emotional abuse.

It's important to remember that these cycles do not occur in a linear pattern and can vary in length and intensity. A verbally abusive partner may hurt their victim with words multiple times a week, while a physically abusive partner may have longer periods between violent episodes. No matter the form or frequency of abuse, you deserve to be in a safe and healthy relationship free from any form of emotional or physical harm.

What are red flags in the honeymoon phase of the domestic violence cycle?

The honeymoon phase of a relationship is often associated with feelings of happiness, love, and excitement. However, when it comes to abusive relationships, the honeymoon phase can also be a red flag for potential harm.

Some red flags in the honeymoon phase of an abusive relationship may include the following:

Excessive apologies or gifts
Blaming others or minimizing abuse
Isolating the victim from friends and family
Controlling behavior, such as constant monitoring or demanding approach to devices and accounts
Pressure for quick commitment or marriage
Possessiveness and jealousy
Manipulative behaviors, such as gaslighting or guilt-tripping
Promises of change without concrete actions or efforts to seek help
Threats of self-harm if the victim leaves the relationship

These warning signs can indicate an unhealthy and potentially dangerous relationship. It's essential to pay attention to these red flags and seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals if you notice them in your own relationship. Remember, love should never come with abuse or manipulation.

What are some examples of the honeymoon effect of abuse?

The honeymoon effect of abuse refers to the positive and loving behavior an abuser may display after a period of abuse, often during the "calm phase" or honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle.

Some examples of the honeymoon effect of abuse may include:

Apologizing for previous abusive behavior and promising to change
Showering the victim with gifts, affection, and compliments
Blaming external factors or past trauma for their abusive actions
Playing the role of a loving partner in public but returning to abusive behavior
Minimizing or denying past instances of abuse

While these actions may seem like positive gestures, they are often manipulative tactics used by abusers to maintain control over their victims and perpetuate the cycle of abuse. You should always trust your instincts and seek help if you notice these behaviors in your relationship. Remember, no amount of gifts or apologies can make up for abusive behavior. Your safety and well-being should always be the top priority.

What is the difference between love bombing and the honeymoon phase?

Love bombing is a term used to describe the intense and overwhelming displays of love, affection, and attention that an abuser may use at the beginning of a relationship. This behavior often involves excessive compliments, gifts, and grand gestures aimed at gaining the victim's trust and devotion. Love bombing is not genuine or sustainable and is often used as a tactic to manipulate and control the victim.

Love bombing may occur during the honeymoon phase of abuse. However, the key difference is that love bombing is used to lure the victim into the relationship, while the honeymoon phase occurs after a period of abuse. The honeymoon phase may involve genuine apologies and attempts at reconciliation from the abuser, while love bombing is solely manipulative behavior.

It's important to differentiate between these two concepts, as love bombing can be an early warning sign of an abusive relationship. A person's potential for abusive behavior is not determined by the intensity of their love and affection in the beginning stages of a relationship. If you notice excessive displays of love, attention, or promises early on, it's crucial to take a step back and assess the situation before committing further.

Do you argue in the honeymoon phase?

The honeymoon phase of abuse is often characterized by a period of calm and reconciliation between the abuser and the victim. However, this does not mean that arguments or conflicts do not occur during this phase. In fact, arguments may still happen, and they can be a sign of unhealthy communication patterns in the relationship.

In a healthy relationship, conflicts are resolved through open and respectful communication without resorting to any form of emotional or physical abuse. In an abusive relationship, arguments may be used as an opportunity for the abuser to regain control and manipulate the victim.

If you find yourself arguing frequently during the honeymoon phase or any other phase of the abuse cycle, it's essential to assess the situation and seek help if necessary. When arguments become emotionally or physically harmful, it's a clear indication of an unhealthy and potentially dangerous relationship.

How long does the honeymoon phase last?

The length of the honeymoon phase can vary from relationship to relationship. It may last for a few weeks, months, or even years. Some victims may experience longer periods of calm and reconciliation between abusive episodes, while others may not have a defined honeymoon phase at all.

The duration of the honeymoon phase is not an indication of the severity or frequency of abuse in a relationship. While it may seem like a welcome break from abuse, it's crucial to address the underlying issues and patterns of behavior in the relationship. A therapist can help navigate these concerns and create a safe and healthy path forward for both partners.

You should remember that the honeymoon phase is not love. Instead, it's a temporary respite from abuse. Seeking support and addressing these red flags in a relationship can prevent further harm and ultimately lead to healthier relationships based on respect, trust, and genuine love.