Ways To Support And Help Survivors Of Domestic Violence: A Guide

Medically reviewed by Karen Foster, LPC
Updated October 12, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include suicide, substance use, or abuse which could be triggering to the reader.
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Domestic violence can occur when one partner in an intimate relationship might behave in a way that maintains power and control over their partner. Anyone can be a survivor and perpetrator of domestic violence, regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation or race. While domestic violence can be harmful to those experiencing it, it can also be difficult for bystanders and loved ones to witness and acknowledge.

If you know someone experiencing domestic violence, you may be wondering how you can best help them. Below, we’re going to cover how you can support domestic violence survivors and support them in obtaining the help they need.

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What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence, also sometimes known as domestic abuse, can constitute physical, emotional, financial, and sexual abuse between intimate partners. Some examples of domestic abuse can include hitting, insulting, stalking, tracking your social media activity, preventing communication with family, performing unwanted sexual acts, and controlling finances.

Since domestic violence might often be kept hidden, not all instances of abuse are reported. However, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, domestic abuse is estimated to affect more than 12 million individuals in the US each year.

How to recognize possible signs of domestic violence

Since intimate partners might spend lots of time alone with each other, it may be difficult to tell when a friend, family, or coworker is experiencing abuse from their partner. The abuser may also only act abusively when they are alone, which can make it hard to directly witness abuse.

Signs of domestic abuse

Some signs of domestic abuse to watch for can include:

  • Unexplained bruises
  • Being on edge around their partner(s)
  • Social withdrawal or spending less time with friends
  • Verbally affirming or expressing safety concerns

Since it can be difficult for individuals to express if they are experiencing domestic violence, it can be important to listen to and trust someone if they tell you they are experiencing domestic abuse. Talking about abuse is not always easy, and sometimes survivors might feel as if they will be in more danger if they discuss their abuse. Remember that all reports of abuse should be taken seriously and acted upon accordingly to safeguard the health and wellness of everyone involved.

Helping friends and family experiencing domestic violence: Where to start

If you suspect that someone you know personally is experiencing domestic violence, it is generally possible to support them in a safe way. During this process, it can be important to remember that being surrounded by domestic violence can be a traumatic experience—even if you are not experiencing abuse yourself. Therefore, it can be important to take note of your emotions and feelings and seek help when necessary. You may be able to better support your loved ones if you first support yourself.

How you support someone who is experiencing domestic violence can depend on how you learned about the violence. 

If your loved one comes to you for help

You may choose to let them know you support and care about them. You can also listen to what they have to say rather than letting them know your feelings about their relationship or situation. You can also remind them that abuse is not their fault and they do not deserve to experience it, putting them in contact with resources that can help.

If your loved one acknowledges the abuse but does not ask for help 

You can choose to directly ask them how they’d like you to help, possibly giving you more insight into their personal safety and experiences. They may ask you for a range of supportive actions, such as serving as their emergency contact, creating code words for urgent communication or holding onto copies of important documents and resources. Your loved one may also wish you to support them as they develop a plan to leave their partner.

If your loved one denies experiencing abuse, but abusive behavior is observed

You can still let them know that you support and care about them. Rather than framing the situation around being with a bad partner or making bad choices, you can instead center your concerns and vocalization around the individual’s safety. Even if they are not open to accepting their abuse or your help, you can let them know that they can contact you any time. Showing up with support, love and patience can go a long way for survivors of abuse.

We do want to note: While it can be important to validate a survivor’s feelings, it can also be important to let them know that abuse is not okay and doesn’t need to be tolerated by them. Sometimes, individuals might not know that abuse is abnormal and unacceptable—especially if they’ve never been in a healthy intimate relationship. Affirming this can empower some to seek a higher overall quality of life. If you choose to remind them of this, it can be helpful to use the utmost discretion to avoid causing any further conflict between your loved one and their partner(s).

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Help survivors of domestic violence with supportive resources: Where to begin

While you can serve as a trusted support system for someone experiencing domestic violence, it can sometimes be necessary to advise them to turn to professional help. This can be a powerful step for many. In fact, one study suggests that even if survivors of violence may not seek out these resources on their own, having someone point them in the right direction may encourage them to seek help.

A good place to start for many may be a domestic violence shelter. These spots can offer support in the form of emergency services, safe places for survivors to live, specialized counseling, and legal services. Individuals who work at these centers often have years of experience working with domestic violence and can provide specific and helpful support.

If you worry someone is in immediate physical danger, you can contact law enforcement at any time. However, it can be important to remember that if a survivor denies abuse when authorities show up, their abuse may become worse. This can be a reason why many choose to leave the situation rather than immediately involve authorities, possibly attempting to enact some form of self-preservation.

If you aren’t sure where to start, or if your loved one needs support in a more discrete way, you may recommend that they speak with a licensed online therapist. Therapists can help individuals who are experiencing abuse, and may decrease feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and distress in some. Additionally, therapists can support those who are working to actively live and survive abuse as well, possibly offering support that can improve social adjustment.

Seeking help for yourself

Even if you are not experiencing domestic violence yourself, it can be traumatizing to witness it occurring to others. This might be especially true if you feel like you cannot help the person experiencing abuse.

You may find that witnessing domestic violence may make you confused, hopeless or depressed. No matter what you are feeling, however, it can be helpful to recognize that your feelings are valid. You might also benefit from the help of a therapist to work through your feelings, overcome trauma and learn how to best support survivors of domestic violence.

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How can online therapy support survivors of domestic abuse?

Survivors of domestic abuse may need therapeutic support that doesn’t require obvious engagement, as in-person therapeutic services would. Additionally, they may find it difficult to attend in-person therapy sessions due to a packed schedule or limited resources (such as reliable transportation or the means to cover high session costs). Online therapy can be a more flexible and convenient way for many, possibly acting as a more appealing alternative for many survivors of domestic violence. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

Research suggests that online therapy can be an effective way to treat anxiety disorders, depression, and trauma in many, all of which may occur after witnessing or experiencing domestic violence. Connecting with an online therapist is often the first step for many to develop a plan to improve the symptoms they’re experiencing, allowing them to take the next right step in navigating their situation—whether they are working to support others through domestic violence or whether they are working to leave a violent situation themselves. 

Takeaway

Domestic violence is generally not only difficult for those who experience abuse but also for those who witness it. Learning the proper ways to support domestic violence survivors while taking care of yourself can empower all parties to experience a higher quality of life. Modalities such as online therapy can be particularly helpful for survivors of domestic abuse, possibly addressing co-morbid experiences and diagnoses (such as depression, anxiety disorder, and PTSD). BetterHelp can connect you with an online therapist in your area of need.
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