How To Help Parents Living With Alcoholism: Tips For Adult Children
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Being raised by a parent with alcohol use disorder can lead to many adverse effects, some of which can persist into adulthood, though that’s not always the case. There are many common personality traits and mental health issues that can occur in the adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs). Therapy is often helpful for ACoAs to overcome challenges stemming from childhood. Adult children of alcoholics who wish to help their parents may talk with their parent about the problem, stage an intervention, present rehab facility options, and offer emotional support. Online or in-person therapy may be beneficial in helping individuals determine the best ways to help their parents.
Do adult children of parents with alcoholism have common traits?
According to the American Psychological Association’s research on adult children of alcoholics risk factors, patterns in a dysfunctional family where at least one parent struggled with alcohol use disorder can create and reinforce maladaptive (negative or harmful) thought patterns and behaviors that may present themselves in the ACoA. These may include:
- Persistent feelings of inadequacy and insecurity
- Conflict avoidance
- Difficulty controlling emotions
- Increased likelihood of developing an alcohol or substance use disorder
- Hypervigilance, or being jumpy and worrying about everything (This is also a symptom of PTSD, which can occur after traumatic experiences)
American Addiction Centers enumerated the ten most common personality traits among ACoAs. This list is by no means complete, and experiences are likely to be as unique as the individuals going through them.
Impulsive behavior
ACoAs may be quick to make choices or react to a situation without considering the consequences or legitimately thinking through other options.
Inconsistency
You may have experienced repeated inconsistent behavior as a child of an alcoholic, which can often lead you to have trouble following through with your commitments at work and in personal relationships. ACoAs often over-commit because they may feel a need to care for everyone around them.
Overreaction to things outside their control
ACoAs generally don’t cope well with change. Rather than taking the time to identify and process the emotions elicited by a shift in circumstances, many display extreme overreactions that may serve no purpose.
Isolation
After growing up with an alcoholic, many adults feel different from others with a healthier upbringing. They tend to isolate themselves because they may have trouble functioning with others or feel upset when they don’t receive special treatment and allowances for dysfunctional behavior.
Challenges in romantic relationships
Difficulties establishing and maintaining positive interactions with others often pose many challenges in romantic relationships for ACoAs. They may stay in unhealthy or abusive* relationships or experience extreme emotional ups and downs with their partner.
Perceiving themselves as a victim
ACoAs may have trouble identifying and accepting the role their own choices play in their various situations and the current state of their lives and relationships. They may frequently blame others for the consequences they face and experience difficulty acknowledging their mistakes.
Lying when the truth creates no problems
Many adult children of alcoholics are unfamiliar with the socially acceptable reaction to situations because that behavior typically wasn’t modeled for them as children. Their instinctual response may be to lie, omit, or exaggerate, even when the truth isn’t problematic and would be an acceptable answer.
Judgmental behavior
ACoAs are often heavily judgmental of themselves and the people around them. This behavior can make it hard to feel content in their lives and relationships.
Trouble accepting criticism
The opinions of other people may carry significant weight with ACoAs. They often desire and actively seek the approval of others and have a tough time accepting criticism, to the point of villainizing the other person or ending the conversation altogether.
Substance use disorders
Adult children of parents with alcoholism: Common mental health conditions
Several mental health conditions may be among ACoAs. Mental health professionals often recommend evidence-based treatments such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to overcome lingering harmful mental and emotional habits and patterns.
- PTSD
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Emotional dysregulation
- Substance use disorder
- Alcohol use disorder
How to support a parent recovering from alcoholism
You may have felt powerless to help your parent with their addiction as a child and want to support them now, or perhaps they developed an alcohol use disorder later in life. Knowing how to approach a parent about addiction can be challenging, but mental health experts offer tips to outline some potential routes.
Talk about the problem
Before they can seek meaningful help, someone with an alcohol use disorder generally must admit that there’s a problem. The journey to recovery and establishing healthy habits typically starts with confronting the issue. However, this will likely be an unpleasant conversation, and you should be prepared for resistance, denial, or anger.
Arrange an intervention
For some people, loved ones gathering to express their concerns about alcohol use can be a wake-up call. Many people with an alcohol use disorder may not realize how their actions affect others. This may not be an easy option, and many people do not react well to confrontation. You might discuss the matter with your parent’s friends and family to determine the best method to approach recovery.
Present rehab facility options
If your parent is willing to attend rehab, you can make the process as easy as possible. Try contacting rehab facilities and gathering information. Financial assistance and emotional support may be vital factors in rehab treatment.
Offer emotional support
Alcohol withdrawal can be brutal on your parent’s emotional, physical, and mental state. It can be helpful to support your parent through this process. You might emphasize how proud you are that they are making healthy choices. Show them you love them despite everything that happened in the past and encourage their continued growth and recovery.
Support both parents
As difficult as it can be to have an alcoholic parent, it can be vital to remember that your other parent has also been through a challenging time. Try to be there for them through this process, offering emotional support through the changes and obstacles. Focus on being a positive presence in both their lives.
Identify and remove alcohol triggers
Encourage your parent to identify the triggers that push them toward alcohol use. Removing those triggers from their daily environment can help promote their success with sobriety.
Engage in and promote healthy activities
Many people with an alcohol use disorder find that drinking progressively consumes more and more of their free time. It can be hard to make the shift to healthier activities and habits. Make time to engage in and promote positive pastimes with your parent as they work through their recovery.
Allow for setbacks, but hold them accountable
Addictions of any kind can be challenging to overcome. Try to understand when setbacks occur without exhibiting too much anger and disappointment, as it can be discouraging and lead them to continue drinking to escape the negative feelings. However, holding them accountable for their actions and not making excuses can be crucial. Finding a balance can be difficult for many people.
Contact a licensed therapist for additional support and guidance
A licensed therapist can help your parent identify and correct the behaviors and thought patterns that lead to drinking. Many people may not know where to start, so try researching the topic yourself and presenting a focused overview to your parent so they can find an appropriate therapist.
Resources for adult children of alcoholics include
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: 1-800-662-4537.
- Al-Anon Family Groups
- Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families World Service Organization Twelve Step Program for people who experienced childhood in a dysfunctional home
Therapy for overcoming harmful patterns with alcohol
Recent studies show that online CBT through virtual therapy providers can be just as effective as in-person treatments in the clinical setting. Online therapy often has a higher attendance rate and can promote stronger relationships between ACoAs and their therapists. Working with a therapist online is usually significantly less expensive and typically involves shorter wait times.
Takeaway
What is adult-child syndrome?
An adult child is someone whose thoughts and behavior are guided by childhood experiences rooted in self-doubt or fear. Adult-child syndrome is not an official diagnosis but rather a way of describing patterns of thinking and acting that are different from someone raised in a healthy environment. Someone with the syndrome might fear authority figures, struggle to accept criticism, have trouble identifying their feelings, and judge themselves harsher than most.
Adult-child syndrome often occurs when a person has an alcoholic parent, although all adults who grew up in dysfunctional homes may experience the condition. The behaviors common in adult-child syndrome, like becoming involved in problems of others or feeling comfortable around a crisis, are often formed by growing up in a dysfunctional environment.
What are the symptoms of a child of an alcoholic?
Evidence suggests that children of alcoholics (COAs) experience several problems across the lifespan that may be attributable to the parent living with a substance use disorder. Common problems include fetal alcohol spectrum disorders, emotional problems, conduct problems, and a much higher risk of becoming addicted to alcohol in adulthood.
COAs are likely to express both internalizing and externalizing psychopathologies. Internalizing symptoms commonly include anxiety and depression, while externalizing symptoms often include rule-breaking, defiance, inattention, and aggression. COAs are also more likely than others to show signs of ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, and conduct disorder in childhood and adolescence.
What are the behavior patterns of children of alcoholics?
Children of alcoholics (COAs) tend to have more trouble regulating their behavior than children whose parents did not use alcohol to excess. In childhood, COAs tend to show signs of “acting out,” and behaviors may become more severe during adolescence. It is not uncommon for a COA to receive a diagnosis of oppositional defiant disorder when they are young. That diagnosis often progresses to conduct disorder during their teenage years.
COAs may struggle to accept authority figures and may fear them. They tend to see adults as potential threats and may continue to struggle to interact with authority in an appropriate way in adulthood. In addition, COAs commonly show signs of hyperactivity and impulsivity, commonly meeting the criteria for a diagnosis of ADHD.
What kind of attachment style do children of alcoholics have?
According to attachment theory, a person's relationship with their parents influences the relationships they develop with others as an adult, most notably romantic relationships. Warm, loving, and consistent parents usually raise children with a secure attachment style. Securely attached people are confident in their relationships, can set healthy boundaries, communicate openly, and are comfortable growing with their partner.
In contrast, children of alcoholics are likely to develop an insecure attachment style. There are multiple types of insecure attachment, and disorganized attachment is most common for children of alcoholics. Disorganized attachment is most likely to occur when parents are inconsistent in their parenting approach. They may be docile or loving one moment and angry or aggressive the next. This prevents children from seeing their parents as a “secure base” free from judgment and anger. Without the security of stable parents, children likely struggle to grow up with the ability to self-soothe and reassure themselves that everything will be alright.
What are the developmental effects of alcohol on children?
Children exposed to alcohol while in the womb may develop a fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD). FASDs are characterized by physical traits like low body weight, short height, small head size and abnormal facial features. They also commonly include problems with brain development, such as lowered IQ, language delays, memory problems and difficulty controlling impulses.
FASDs can be mild, moderate, or severe. There is no way to tell exactly what effect alcohol exposure will have, but the severity of the effects are likely to increase as consumption increases. There is no known safe level of alcohol that can be consumed during pregnancy.
What are 2 of the most common personality traits of alcoholics?
The Big Five model of personality recognizes a trait called “neuroticism.” Those with highly neurotic personalities tend to have trouble managing negative emotions, inhibiting impulses, and making conscious decisions to better themselves. Evidence suggests that alcoholics who drink to alleviate negative feelings will likely score high in neuroticism on Big Five personality trait measures. In their case, they are motivated to drink to cope with unpleasant or challenging thoughts or feelings. The substance abuse often appears alongside other unhealthy coping mechanisms.
While some use alcohol to alleviate negativity, some people overuse alcohol to make positive experiences more fun. In contrast to those who use alcohol to cope, these people use alcohol to enhance certain situations, like social drinking. Enhancement-motivated drinkers are not as likely to score as high on neuroticism as coping-motivated drinkers but are likely to exhibit such personality traits as extraversion, impulsivity, and sensation-seeking.
What happens to the family of an alcoholic?
An alcoholic can have a substantial negative impact on their family. Even if drinking is hidden and kept from other family members, it consumes precious time that could be spent strengthening family bonds. In many cases, people who overuse alcohol are prone to shifts in their personality and demeanor. They may be distant and withdrawn while sober but engaged and enthusiastic while intoxicated, or they might be pleasant when sober but angry and hostile when drinking.
Families of alcoholics may learn to “walk on eggshells” and become adept at predicting the personality states of the person using alcohol. They may focus more on preventing hostile or aggressive interactions, and they may be fearful of the person drinking. The lack of consistency and persistent fear can severely damage romantic relationships and relationships between parents and children.
It is often difficult to feel safe around someone who uses alcohol excessively, and a safe environment is essential for healthy relationships and child-rearing. Consequently, children of alcoholics are more likely to use drugs, experience mental health concerns, and associate their childhood with feelings of shame and abandonment.
What behavior problems are caused by alcohol?
Alcohol use has a strong correlation with disinhibition and impulsive behaviors. Evidence suggests that alcohol can change how a person makes decisions or regulates their behavior. This often leads to two distinct behavioral “personalities,” one that is present when the person is sober and one when they are drinking.
A person under the effects of alcohol might be a much happier person than when they are sober, or they might be much more hostile. There is no simple way to predict the exact effects alcohol has from person to person. However, it is likely that the person’s behavior changes substantially depending on their state of sobriety.
What is codependency in children of alcoholics?
Those with parents who struggled with alcohol use lacked the stable, secure, and nurturing presence of a healthy parent. The instability they experienced during childhood can make it difficult to build healthy relationships as an adult, especially romantic ones. They often feel a deep need for external approval and may modify their behaviors to ensure they receive approval from others.
People who grew up with alcoholic parents may also fear anger or criticism. Their codependency manifests through an intense desire to avoid feeling unwanted or unneeded. While codependency may produce intense feelings of fear, anxiety, or avoidance, recovery is possible, and people can gain a sense of personal security and self-validation.
In romantic relationships, this is often referred to as earned-secure attachment, indicating that a person has abandoned the insecure attachments that lead to codependency and embraced habits that reinforce personal security and self-worth.
How does alcohol affect kids differently than adults?
The disinhibiting effects of alcohol may be significantly more pronounced in adolescents, who are already at a high risk of engaging in unwise behavior. Teens who drink alcohol may also be at a higher risk of alcohol poisoning or other health risks. Long-term use of alcohol while very young also has health complications. It is associated with inhibited brain development and a high risk of negative impacts on cognitive function.
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