Dealing With Toxic Family Members: The Mental Health Toll

It may be more challenging to identify a toxic relationship you have with a family member than it could be with a friend, a romantic partner, or another toxic person you might have in your life. These family dynamics may have been present in your relationship with certain family members since childhood, or they may have slowly developed over months and years. 

Toxic relationship dynamics

Regardless of their cause, relationships with toxic people can leave a person doubting their own perceptions, and this tendency may be heightened when a toxic family dynamic is present. Understanding how these dynamics impact mental health can be a step toward taking care of yourself and setting healthy boundaries with those in your life.  

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Signs of toxic behavior in a family 

If you are experiencing the following in a family relationship, you may be experiencing a toxic family dynamic. 

Controlling behavior

One of the defining characteristics of a toxic relationship is attempts to control another person. While dynamics of power and control may occasionally surface in all human relationships, if any of the below actions frequently accompany your relationship with a particular family member, their behavior may be considered a sign of toxicity:

• Believing there is a specific way you “must” live your life, even as an adult
• Attempting to influence how you dress, what you study in school, what career you choose, your friendships, your relationships with other family members, where you live, or your dynamic with your partner
• Constantly sharing their opinions of your life choices and punishing you for pushing back on those opinions
• Limiting your freedom and choices through controlling your access to your finances, identifying documents, or independent living situation (which can be a form of financial abuse)

Failing to respect your boundaries

The term “boundaries” might seem like a buzzword. However, boundaries can be a crucial component of functional relationships.

Boundaries can be difficult for some family members to understand, particularly in the immediate family, who may believe the dynamics present in childhood shouldn’t change in adulthood. A lack of boundaries could manifest as siblings not knocking on your door before coming in or parents opening and reading your mail. Other examples of boundary violations include the following:

• Asking inappropriate or intrusive questions about your life after you’ve asked them not to
• Disrespecting your rules in your home, such as not taking off their shoes before they come in because “that wasn’t a rule growing up”
• Going through your phone
• Showing up at your home unannounced or at a time when you said it was not okay to come
• Demanding you spend all holidays and special occasions with them
• Reaching out to your friends or partner to talk about you
• Not respecting limits you have set in your relationship, such as only being able to call them at certain times 

Occasionally violating boundaries may occur in human interaction. However, a sign of toxicity is how a person responds to you when confronting them about the boundary violation. For example, perhaps you do not want your family members to text you at work, and you tell them you are frustrated that they continue texting and violating your boundaries. If they respond by telling you you’re overreacting as a dismissal of your emotions, saying it’s their right as your family member to text when they want and not respecting your boundary, or guilting you for not being responsive, which is a form of manipulation, the individual may be showing red flags for potential toxicity.

Creating a one-sided relationship

Adult relationships with family members can be meaningful and rewarding, provided that each participant treats each other like the adults they are and respects each other’s independence. However, this dynamic could be exploited in some situations, particularly in relationships between parents and their adult children.

Some parents may expect their adult children to serve as their primary emotional support system. They may talk to their child about inappropriate topics, such as marital problems with the child’s other parent. In some situations, the relationship may evolve to a point where the dynamic is almost exclusively focused on the parent’s problems and needs.

If you find yourself in a situation where a family member (parent or otherwise) is using you primarily as a person to vent to, conversations with them have become increasingly one-sided, or they are expressing jealousy about other meaningful relationships you have in your life, such as with your friends or partner, the relationship may be toxic. Healthy relationships are reciprocal. It can be healthy to provide emotional support to a family member. However, relationships should offer support on both sides.

Protecting your mental health when dealing with toxic family members

Having a toxic relationship with a family member can take a significant toll on one’s well-being and may lead to mental health concerns, sometimes referred to as “mental health issues,” a more outdated term. 

Family relationships may be more difficult to distance yourself from than other relationships in your life, and the entrenched nature of some family dynamics can make them more complicated to change. However, a person can take steps to take care of themselves in these situations, including the following. 

Prioritize your well-being

Taking time for yourself is not selfish, and self-care can benefit everyone, including those in unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships. Self-care might involve eating nourishing foods, listening to your body, and sleeping seven to eight hours every night. Self-care can also include being intentional about the ways you spend your time, focusing on activities that bring you joy, and relationships that improve your self-esteem instead of lowering it. 

Lean on your support system

One of the characteristics of a toxic relationship is the other person guilting you about choices you’ve made or criticizing you when you don’t behave the way they want you to. Healthy external relationships can be a means of combatting the negative self-talk that toxic family relationships could encourage inside your head. Friends, other family members, co-workers, and romantic partners may be supportive listeners and help you work through some of the tough dynamics of your relationship with the toxic family member.

Navigate toxic relationships and their impacts in therapy

Speak to a licensed counselor

Find a therapist for toxic family relationships

Setting and holding boundaries can be a step toward setting a distance between yourself and a toxic family member. However, doing so may be challenging. A trained mental health professional can help you identify areas where boundary-setting may be appropriate and give you tips on how to maintain boundaries even in the face of guilt or manipulation.

Benefits of online therapy

With the competing demands on time, attending an in-person therapy appointment may not be feasible for some people. Online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp may be an accessible alternative. With online therapy, clients can speak with a therapist from the safe space and convenience of their homes. In addition, they can choose between phone, video, and live chat sessions for support. 

Effectiveness of online therapy for anxiety, depression, and more

Research has found that online therapy may be as effective at addressing mental health concerns as traditional in-person therapy, including symptoms of depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which can be more common in people who have toxic or abusive family relationships. One study found that completing internet-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) reduced symptoms of all three conditions and was more cost-effective than in-person options.