How Coping With Family Estrangement Affects Mental Health And Personal Growth

Family estrangement occurs when family members become distant, causing bonds to weaken or break apart. The causes of family rifts may include but are not limited to ongoing conflicts, differences in values, or betrayal within the family. The impact of estrangements can consist of various psychological effects, potentially leading to a sense of loss, guilt, and confusion.

Coping with the lack of family connections can be difficult. Family members can be a core support system, and not having them around may increase stress levels and sometimes lead to mental health difficulties. Without family support, individuals may struggle to grapple with their identity and sense of belonging.

Becoming estranged from family members can be distressing

Seek support from a therapist

What causes family estrangement?

Often, the causes of estrangement within families involve parental behavior. Parents might impose strict rules without considering individual needs, or they might micromanage daily activities, showing little empathy toward family members' emotions. Conflicting values can also lead to disagreements on core beliefs or lifestyles. Disapproval of life choices, such as a family member's partner, profession, or education, may also lead to strained relationships and distance between family members.

Miscommunication or lack of communication may worsen these problems, and family members may find themselves further distanced when efforts to mend relationships are met with resistance or indifference. In addition, mental health concerns such as depression or substance use disorders may create challenges in family relationships. In some cases, a family member may be unaccepted or unsupported, leading them to sever ties for their well-being. 

The mental and emotional effects of family estrangement

Family estrangement often leads to a range of mental health challenges. Those separated from their relatives might experience loss, rejection, guilt, and grief. Losing relationships with family members may sometimes carry the same weight as mourning a death, as individuals may experience a void similar to grieving a loss. Below are a few of these impacts: 

• Loss: Individuals can experience a sense of loss, not only of the relationship but also of the future they had hoped for.
• Rejection: Being cut off can cause rejection sensitivity, which may affect self-esteem and the ability to build new relationships.
• Guilt: Regardless of who initiated the estrangement, guilt can surface, especially if the person questions their decision or thinks they’re responsible for the conflict.
• Grief: Grieving the loss of a family connection can be a common emotional response, potentially leading to sadness and longing.

Estrangement may disrupt other aspects of personal lives, affecting social interactions and overall life satisfaction. In some cases, estrangement may change how individuals interact with others. Those distanced from family might avoid social situations or find it difficult to trust and form new relationships due to past experiences.

Mental health may also be affected, with individuals sometimes reporting increased anxiety and depression. How someone copes with estrangement can vary, but recognizing the emotional burden and seeking support may allow individuals to manage its effects on mental well-being.

Ways to cope with family estrangement

Family estrangement can be a challenging experience that can affect anyone. If you’re experiencing estrangement, there are several strategies you may use to cope with the difficult situation and find a path toward healing and personal growth.

Allow yourself to grieve

When you're estranged from a family member, it may be helpful to recognize the loss and allow yourself to experience the emotions that arise, such as sadness, anger, or confusion. For instance, if adult children are estranged from a parent, they might experience a profound sense of grief like that of losing someone physically. Individuals may try remembering happy memories or writing down their emotions to deal with their grief positively.

Practice self-care

Taking care of yourself can be crucial when facing estrangement. Self-care can include activities for physical health, such as eating nutritious meals and staying active, and mental well-being, like meditation and getting rest. For example, starting the day with a relaxing walk or joining yoga classes may help individuals maintain a sense of peace.

Participate in new activities or hobbies

Finding new interests may offer joy and a sense of accomplishment, which can be beneficial in healing from family estrangement. Painting, joining a book club, or learning a musical instrument are examples of hobbies that can redirect focus and promote new friendships. These activities provide a distraction; over time, they may rebuild one’s identity beyond family ties.

Explore forgiveness and move forward

Forgiveness may be part of managing estrangement for some people, though it might not lead to reconciliation. Forgiveness can be focused on releasing resentment for personal peace. Forgiving an estranged family member may help some find inner peace while setting boundaries for future interactions or deciding on the path forward. Some people may not find forgiveness helpful, and forgiving someone is a personal decision that should not be judged. 

Consider expressing yourself through an unsent letter

Writing a letter that won't be sent may be a therapeutic way to express emotions. Writing can help people articulate their thoughts and emotions without the pressure of a confrontation. For instance, a mother estranged from her son may write to clarify her feelings or reflect on the relationship. Writing these thoughts may be cathartic, even if the letter is never read.

Build a support network of friends and other loved ones

Cultivating relationships with friends and loved ones who understand one’s situation may offer comfort and perspective. Whether an individual chooses to spend time with friends or connect with relatives who respect one’s choices, these connections can provide emotional support and a sense of belonging during tough times, such as during family gatherings where an estranged relative may be absent.

Set boundaries

Establishing and maintaining boundaries can be valuable for building emotional stability. Boundaries can involve deciding what level of contact is tolerable and communicating those limits to others, ensuring they are respected. For example, an adult child might choose to limit conversations with an estranged parent to email only or set a rule about not discussing the estrangement at family gatherings.

Join a support group

Joining a support group for individuals going through similar experiences may offer a way for individuals to connect and build new social systems. Telling stories and coping strategies with others who understand what it’s like to experience estrangement may provide validation and encouragement. For example, a person may find comfort in a group that meets regularly to discuss challenges and breakthroughs related to estranged relationships.

Other resources to learn about and manage family estrangement

Learning about and managing family estrangement can be challenging, but numerous resources are available to support individuals through this process. The following resources may offer coping strategies and provide community support for those experiencing estrangement.

• Together Estranged: This platform is dedicated to supporting individuals experiencing family estrangement and providing resources in the US.
• American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists: A professional association that offers a directory of therapists with expertise in family issues.
• Academy of Professional Family Mediators: This website offers resources for families encountering conflict, including estrangement, helping them locate professional mediators.
• Talking Alternatives: This website is a service that provides mediation and conflict resolution, specifically for family disputes.
• National Association for Community Mediation: This association connects individuals with local mediation centers focused on resolving family disputes and estrangement challenges.

The above resources may help individuals understand the underlying causes of family relationship conflicts and offer tools to manage the emotional aspects of estrangement. These organizations may assist in learning how to communicate effectively and, when possible, reconcile differences. While each person’s situation is unique, finding support may be a step in managing estrangement and its various impacts. 

Becoming estranged from family members can be distressing

Seek support from a therapist

Support options 

A therapist or counselor experienced in family estrangement may offer professional guidance and personalized strategies for living with the situation. Professionals can help clients explore the reasons behind the estrangement, teach coping skills, and offer a path toward healing. Therapy sessions may assist individuals in processing their emotions and developing productive ways to address their challenges, which may be more effective than going on the journey alone. 

Those who face barriers to in-person therapy may also consider an online platform, such as BetterHelp. Potential advantages of online therapy include the convenience of reaching support from any location with internet connection and the comfort of doing therapy sessions from a familiar, safe space. Online therapy also often provides a broader range of scheduling options, potentially making it easier for individuals to fit sessions into their busy lives.

Online platforms can also be helpful resources for people managing the difficulties caused by family estrangement. Studies have shown that online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy for treating various mental health challenges.