“My Family Hates Me”: Tips For Setting Boundaries And Rebuilding Relationships
It can be challenging to know how to move forward when you think your family hates you. If you’d like to take steps to try and repair the relationship and it’s safe to do so, there are a number of strategies you might consider that could help you. Whether or not you’re interested in salvaging your familial relationships, therapy can be a useful tool to help you delve into your experiences and emotions and begin to feel more comfortable and confident in yourself, your boundaries, and your relationships. See below for tips that could help you in healing family relationships.
Tips for healing family relationships
If you’ve had strained relationships with family members in the past, you may be thinking about how to repair them going forward. If it’s safe to engage with your family members and you’re looking for ways to heal together and regain some closeness, the following tips might help, provided that they are also interested in reconnecting.
Define your boundaries and stick to them
An important part of repairing your relationship with your family often includes learning how to set boundaries and stick to them. You and your family members can both do this, and it may help you find healthier ways to interact with each other. If you’re looking for support in figuring out what healthy boundaries look like for you and tips on enforcing them, meeting with a therapist can be helpful.
- How often your family can call you
- Having to ask before coming over
- How long they can stay
- Rules around not disturbing you at work
- Saying no to events you don’t want to go to
Spend a little time together and increase it gradually
Oftentimes, the road to repairing damaged or distant family relationships will involve spending small amounts of time together at first. One reason for this is that it can give you the chance to end a gathering before it gets to a point at which you may become frustrated. If you go this route, you might also choose to meet up with family members in public places where arguments and conflict may be less likely to occur.
After a while, if your relationship with your family starts to improve, you might be able to increase the amount of time you spend together. This is generally only recommended if your family members have been respectful of the boundaries you’ve put into place. If not, it can also be fine to keep the distance as it is. It can also be okay if you realize that you don’t desire to spend much time with your family. Paying attention to your own needs and comfort level is often key in determining what you’d like your relationships with family members to look like.
Aim to embrace vulnerability
Before you embark on the journey toward establishing a meaningful relationship with someone, it can be helpful to look at your own emotional boundaries and limitations. Both of these may impact our ability to be emotionally vulnerable with others, which is often the basis for healthy, communicative relationships.
After years of hurt or distance, we can sometimes create an invisible shield between ourselves and others that can block our ability to be vulnerable. In unsafe situations, this can help us guard ourselves. In safe situations, however, it may come to represent a rigid and limiting boundary. Sometimes, to let others in, we must engage in some level of flexibility and letting ourselves be seen. Setting boundaries and being honest about who we are and how we feel are two potentially helpful forms of vulnerability that could be appropriate in some situations on the road to repairing family relationships.
Remember that vulnerability is not the same as giving up your boundaries or putting up with inappropriate or harmful behavior. In many cases, reconnecting with family members can involve finding a healthy balance between guarding yourself and letting others in.
Reach out for professional help
Feeling like your family hates you may impact your life in a variety of ways. You may have trouble forming other relationships, show signs of self-doubt and low self-esteem, and/or experience symptoms of anxiety and depression, for example. If any of these are the case for you, working with a therapist is one way to unpack your experiences and begin to move forward. If you’re interested in improving your relationships with family members, a licensed mental health professional may help you create an effective plan for doing so. Even if not, they can offer you a supportive space in which to work through complicated feelings about family.
Sometimes, attending therapy sessions in person can be challenging or uncomfortable. You may not feel at ease speaking with a therapist face-to-face or worry about the cost or the logistics of finding transportation to and from the therapist’s office. Online therapy can be a helpful alternative in cases like these. An online therapy platform like BetterHelp can empower you to connect with a licensed therapist from anywhere you have a reliable internet connection. Research on the topic suggests that online therapy for individuals is usually as effective as traditional in-office therapy, so you can typically feel confident pursuing this format if it’s more convenient or comfortable for you.
Takeaway
How do I deal with a family that hates me?
If you’re living with family members who express hatred toward you, it can bring up difficult emotions. Family is often the first group of people you live with or connect with as a child. Childhood can be a crucial period for developing a healthy attachment style as an adult. However, those who experience maltreatment from their parents or family members at any stage of life may be more likely to experience mental illness and insecure attachment with others.
One way to cope with a family member who expresses hatred or dislike of you is to find support from a therapist. If you and your family are on speaking terms, you might also consider family therapy sessions, which allow you to tackle challenging topics in a controlled environment. Support groups can also be a helpful resource for connecting with others experiencing family challenges or healing from generational trauma and receiving emotional support from peers.
What should you do when everyone is against you?
If it seems that everyone in your life is against you, it may be helpful to look for emotional support avenues. Social connection can be essential to mental health and wellness, so when your social support network is harmful, it can lead to mental illness (like major depression), stress, and an emotional crisis. In some cases, loneliness and a lack of social support can lead to suicidal thoughts.
Making friends and finding alternative social systems may be helpful if you relate to this challenge. Support groups are one option for connecting with others, but you might also try joining a club or meetup in your area. Some people with family problems look to create a “chosen family” of friends and distant relatives to connect with. A chosen family can be any group of people you connect with profoundly.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or text 988 to talk to a crisis provider over SMS. They are available 24/7 to offer support. 988 also provides an online chat for those with an internet connection.
How do you heal when family hurts you?
Being hurt by family members can lead to mental health challenges. Some people with long-term traumatic experiences with family may develop mental health conditions like complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) or depression. In these cases, working with a therapist can be crucial, and many therapeutic modalities have been adapted to support individuals with trauma. Below are a few trauma-informed modalities you can try:
- Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy (EMDR)
- Internal family systems therapy (IFS)
- Trauma-informed cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)
- Cognitive processing therapy (CPT)
- Somatic therapy
- Trauma-informed family therapy sessions
You might also heal by reaching out to support groups for people who have experienced familial trauma. You can talk to peers, help someone with depression cope, and receive support with everyday tasks and challenging emotional experiences.
How do you know if someone hates you?
It can be challenging to know if someone hates you. Dislike, disgust, and other challenging emotions might sometimes be confused as hate. Below are a few signs someone might dislike you:
- They aren’t partaking in the usual talk with you like they used to
- They tell you they dislike you or hate you
- They insult you, put you down, or call you names
- They tell you they don’t want to spend time with you
- They talk poorly about you to their friends
The most straightforward way to know if someone hates you may be to ask them directly. Assumptions can lead to unfair stereotypes or misinformation. It may be possible that communication could lead to a healthier relationship with those you are struggling to understand.
For example, someone with depression might socially withdraw due to their condition. Instead of assuming your friend hates you, it may be helpful to approach your friend’s depression with kindness and empathy. When considering how to help a depressed friend, you might recommend support groups or local resources they can reach out to. You can also remind them you want to be in their life and love them. For someone with depression, this kindness can make all the difference and be a form of suicide prevention.
Should you always forgive family?
Other people may tell you to “always forgive family” when you talk about distressing experiences with them. Because family is often considered to last “for life,” some individuals may not understand why someone would want to let go of their family or choose to cut contact. However, forgiveness is a personal journey. If you aren’t ready to or do not want to forgive your family member, you do not have to. It may be helpful to talk to a therapist about these feelings to come up with a plan that best suits you in coping with unhealthy family members.
Why does it hurt so much when family hurts you?
Being disliked or hated by anyone can be challenging. When it’s your own family that expresses hatred toward you, it may lead to reduced self-esteem, depression, and other mental health concerns. Because family is often a significant resource for social connection, not having a healthy family can cause individuals to feel left out and lonely. It can also cause long-term traumatic stress, sometimes causing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If you believe you’re not your usual self and are struggling with mental health due to a family member’s treatment of you, it may be helpful to seek support from a therapist.
What is a unhealthy family relationship?
An unhealthy family relationship causes mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, or financial distress. Unhealthy relationships may sometimes be abusive but are not necessarily in every case. You may be in an unhealthy family relationship if you notice the following signs:
- You are constantly arguing with family members
- Your family members only reach out to you when they need resources, such as money
- People in your family call you names, maltreat you, or talk poorly about you to others
- You feel like you can’t tell the truth or be open with them
- You experienced abuse or maltreatment as a child by your family
- Your family misuses substances frequently
- You feel coerced or manipulated into giving favors
- Your family doesn’t show gratitude for the help you give
- Your family refuses to support you in your most difficult moments
- Your family invalidates your identity or culture
- Your family makes you do more than your fair share of household chores or errands
If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788. You can also use the online chat. This hotline is recommended by many popular mental health organizations, including the National Institute for Mental Health (NIMH).
How do you tell your family they hurt your feelings?
If your family has hurt your feelings, consider having a sit-down with them at home or in a therapist’s office during family therapy. Let them know what happened and how it impacted you. Try to use “I” statements and avoid placing blame on any one person. You might also come up with solutions for ways they can help you feel better. For example, you might say, “I felt sad when I was called ‘lazy’ last weekend when I was experiencing depressive symptoms. It would be helpful if we could try a family therapy session together to talk about what depression looks like for me.”
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