How To Have A Relationship With Your Mother When It’s Challenging
Have you been experiencing challenges in your relationship with your mother and wondering how to improve your relationship? If so, you’re not alone. For one reason or another, many people sometimes find it difficult to keep the peace with their mothers. They may find themselves thinking things like, “Why do I have such a crazy mom?”
If this sounds familiar, you may find yourself well-established in your adult life and want a healthy relationship with your mom, but you still feel frustrated with this relationship.
If this is the case, continue reading to learn about common challenges people face with their mother, how these challenges can affect your relationship, and five steps that may help you build a better relationship with your mother.
Common challenges people face with their mothers
Many people struggle with feelings of frustration and confusion when dealing with what they might consider to be a "crazy” mom, often due to unpredictable behavior or unmet emotional needs. These challenges can deeply impact mental health, making it important to seek support and understanding to navigate these difficult relationships.
Controlling behavior
There are many ways a mother’s behavior may make their relationships with their children difficult. One of the most common ways is through controlling behavior. Many mothers want the best for their children, and they believe that they can definitively suggest and enforce what they perceive to be best. This type of guidance may have been appropriate and even necessary in childhood, but parental influence and interference may grow increasingly unnecessary—or even inappropriate—as children grow into adulthood. When left unchecked, it may put strain on your relationship. A mother who demonstrates controlling behavior and interferes in her adult child's life may make the relationship increasingly difficult.
Guilt trips
Guilt-tripping can be another common manifestation of a challenging relationship with one’s mother. A mother who exhibits guilt-tripping behavior may consistently use guilt to get their way or to elicit displays of affection. This mom might regularly bring up how difficult it was to give birth to you or raise you, or she may frequently describe how lonely she is now that you’ve moved out and started your life as an adult. A guilt-tripping mother may behave in such a way to meet an unfulfilled need (namely, the need for love, affection, or acceptance) from her children when she cannot find it elsewhere.
The best-friend mom
Another potential challenge can arise from the "best friend" mom. A mom who always tries to be her child's best friend can present challenges because she may lack appropriate boundaries between her children and herself. A best friend mom might blur the lines between communicating with and confiding in her children, and she might have experienced difficulty enforcing rules. A best friend mom may not understand an appropriate parent-child relationship and may rely more on her friendships to guide her role as a mother.
How these moms affect their children
Having a difficult relationship with your mom may have seemed like a rite of passage as a child, and many of your friends may have had similar experiences. However, as you matured, you may have realized your mother’s difficult behavior may have affected you negatively.
Parents who promote secure attachment in their children typically provide their children with support, comfort, and aid. Conversely, having an overly controlling mother who uses manipulation to get her way, or one who has unhealthy boundary-setting habits, can lead to resentment, anger, anxiety, and depression. Many of the descriptions of a difficult mother may overlap with the description of an abusive mother. Childhood abuse* is often the source of real, damaging trauma.
Parent-inflicted trauma
Parent-inflicted trauma can show up in a host of different ways, and some of them can be intense and painful, as is the case with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The trauma inflicted by mothers can go undetected for years, showing up in troubled or failed relationships. It can also be overt and show itself during childhood through anxiety, difficulty in school, or difficulty making friends.
How to have a relationship with your mother: Five strategies
Learning how to navigate your relationship with your mother may help you move forward with your relationship and forge a healthier, happier, and more connected bond. It may seem easiest to simply ignore how you feel about your mother or the way that she may have demonstrated inappropriate or unhealthy behavior. However, there are steps you can take to move toward a stronger bond while maintaining firm, healthy boundaries. The following are five strategies you might try to improve your relationship with your mother:
Step 1: Try to understand her behavior
If you find your mother’s behavior difficult, it may be helpful to understand what could be causing her to act that way toward you. It could be beneficial to gain a perspective from her point of view. You may want to learn what you can about her life and childhood if possible.
For example, it may be insightful to learn what kind of relationship she had with her mother. This may have impacted the way she behaves as a parent, and she may be repeating patterns she learned from her upbringing. This would not excuse any abusive behavior, but you may benefit from a new perspective as you try to learn what you can without judgment or criticism.
Step 2: Forgive her
Understanding your mother’s past and the potential reasons for her behavior may help you let go of any anger or resentment toward her. However, as mentioned above, there is no excuse for abuse. You may not be able to control your mother's behaviors, but you can choose how you react.
In some cases, it may help to find a time to tell your mother how you feel. It could be helpful to write her a letter to express your feelings in a way that is mutually respectful. You may end up forgiving her without getting an apology, but research shows that forgiveness may be especially beneficial for you and your mental health. Learning to forgive may help you heal and release negative feelings.
Step 3: Ask yourself what you want from the relationship
It may be important to understand what you are seeking from this relationship before trying to repair it. Do you aspire to have a close relationship with her or just want to keep the peace? It may take more work and effort to rebuild a relationship to the level of closeness you desire. In this case, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed professional. They may be able to offer evidence-based guidance and tools that have worked for other people who have sought to improve their relationships with their mothers.
Step 4: Set boundaries
Boundaries tend to be important in any relationship, especially between a child and a parent. To build a stronger relationship with your mother, you may need to clarify what you will and won’t accept. These boundaries can be unique to each relationship. By creating boundaries, you may reduce any triggers you might have, minimizing potential arguments or disagreements before they begin.
Step 5: Accept that your mother might be difficult sometimes
Many relationships tend to have their ups and downs. At times, the behaviors that you find difficult may resurface. It may help to find a level of acceptance while maintaining the boundaries you’ve created. Changing behavior can take time, and effort may need to come from both parties in the relationship. It may be helpful to learn to create healthy distance or cut discussions short if you find yourself getting upset. You can even learn to redirect the conversation away from distressing topics.
Seeking professional support
If you’re finding it difficult to improve your relationship with your mother on your own, it may be beneficial to seek the help of a mental health counselor. A licensed counselor may be able to help you work through any trauma you’ve experienced, heal childhood wounds, set healthy boundaries, or learn how to improve your self-worth.
How online therapy can help
If you’re having difficulty navigating your relationship with your mother, it may be challenging to reach out for help in person. You might feel hesitant to talk to a stranger about your family relationships. However, an online therapist might be easier to open up to since an internet-based environment may feel more comfortable for some people.
Learn how to have a relationship with your mother in therapy
With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can connect with a therapist via phone, live chat, or videoconference, and you can be matched with a therapist who has experience helping people improve their relationship with their mother.
Numerous studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of online therapy. Some studies show it is just as effective as in-person therapy for a variety of mental health challenges.
If you would like to try therapy, whether together or on your own, online therapy may be a viable option. BetterHelp has a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists available to you from the comfort of your own home or wherever you have an internet connection.
Takeaway
If you want to improve your relationship with your mother, it may help to try some of the tips above, such as working to understand her behavior and her experience with her own mother. This process may lead to a certain level of acceptance and forgiveness without forcing you to compromise your boundaries.
During this process, it may help to speak with a licensed counselor who has training and experience helping people navigate their relationships with their mothers. With the right tools and support, you may find that you can move forward with a healthier relationship with your mother, which may in turn benefit your mental health and overall well-being. Take the first step toward a healthier relationship with your mother and reach out to BetterHelp today.
How do I fix my broken relationship with my mother?
You can try to fix a broken or strained relationship with your mother by reaching out to her and letting her know that you care and want to heal your relationship. Tell her you’d like to spend some quality time with her—perhaps by going on a walk to talk. If you come together to talk, practice mutual respect and active listening. In some cases, family therapy can be helpful. While these measures can make a difference, don’t expect magic to happen. A relationship is a two way street, and it takes commitment from both parties to make amends.
Can I have a relationship with my mother?
Whether or not you can have a relationship with your mother depends on both of your willingness to communicate in a healthy way, respect boundaries, and be vulnerable and share.
What to do when you have a difficult relationship with your mother?
It can be challenging to have a difficult relationship with your mother. If this is the case for you, think about limiting time with your mother or spending time with her doing activities that you both enjoy and won’t cause conflict. You may also want to attend therapy to get support in navigating the relationship.
In some cases, it can be helpful to talk to siblings and see if they recognize some of your experiences—this can be validating, and you can plan strategies together. But in other cases, a sibling might have a different story and see the relationship in their own light.
Why do I struggle to love my mom?
When you are a child, you are entirely dependent on your mom, but as you grow older, you might discover that you struggle to love your mom. This could be because she never made herself emotionally available to you or met your emotional needs. Or you might struggle to love her because she mistreated you. It doesn’t matter what’s wrong—if you experience difficulties with your feelings toward your mother, therapy can help.
How do I end a toxic relationship with my mom?
If you have a toxic relationship with your mother, in some cases you will need to put up boundaries, and in others you may need to simply end the relationship. A few things that you can do to protect yourself include:
What is cold mother syndrome?
Cold mother syndrome is when a mother consistently is emotionally distant from her child. It may involve rejection of intimacy, dismissal of the child’s feelings, lack of emotional availability, emotional distance and aloofness, and not attending to the child’s emotional needs.
How do you heal an unloving mother?
It is not possible for you to heal an unloving mother—she can only heal herself. However, you can work on healing yourself from the negative effects of having an unloving mother.
How do you know if your relationship with your mother is toxic?
You know that your relationship with your mother is toxic if interacting with her consistently undermines your well being. The relationship could involve manipulation, guilt, blame, gaslighting, boundary crossing, lack of respect, constant criticism, and/or abuse.
You deserve to feel valued and uplifted by those around you. If you experience the above behaviors from your mother, focus on your own life and own needs, especially if you have your own family.
Can a broken mother-daughter relationship be fixed?
It is entirely possible for a broken mother-daughter relationship to be fixed. Human beings crave intimacy and connection, so it’s likely that both the mother and daughter want to reconnect at a foundational level. That said, it depends on the issues that the mother and daughter have experienced and the willingness of both parties to come together. Family therapy sessions can be very helpful for navigating reconnections.
How do you heal from a bad mother?
You can heal from having a bad mother with the aid of therapy. A therapist may take you through a number of exercises that can help you focus on yourself and heal, such as learning to “re-parent” yourself and attend to your “inner child.”
- Previous Article
- Next Article