Pressure To Have Kids: Managing Anxiety Around Having Children
Having children can be a great joy for some, but it’s not the desired life path for everyone. In fact, the birth rate is decreasing, likely due to economic pressures and the threat of climate change. Still, for many people, the societal pressure to have children can create stress and anxiety.
This pressure may come from friends, family, a partner, the media, or society in general and may impact personal relationships, mental health, and overall quality of life. The pressure to have kids may affect individuals who want to remain child-free, those who want children but are unable to or uninterested in having them biologically, and even those who want or already have children.
While there's a growing movement to support people in making the choices that are right for them and offer respect instead of judgment or unsolicited advice, the pressure to have kids remains for many people. Here, we’ll explore the societal and familial expectations related to having children and how both parents and those who are not parents may be able to reduce related anxiety in their lives.
Exploring the pressure to have kids
There can be many sources of pressure for those deciding whether to have one or two kids or more. It often stems from societal norms or expectations, though a person’s age or biological clock may also be a factor in some cases. An individual’s own parents or other family members may also add pressure, such as if they’re hoping to be grandparents. Or sometimes, a person may have multiple friends who are having children and feel pressure to do so themselves.
While only the individual (and their partner, if applicable) can decide whether or not to have children, coping with pressure, expectations, and judgments around having kids can be difficult. It can harm relationships and may even create or contribute to mental health concerns such as increased anxiety, stress, or depression. This may be especially true for individuals whose decision to not have children or more children is related to trauma, such as those facing reproductive challenges, those living in poverty, or those who have experienced birth trauma.
Why is there pressure to have children?
The source and reasons for the pressure to have kids may vary from person to person. That said, there are three common reasons why it often exists: social pressure, cultural roots, and personal factors.
Societal and cultural pressure to have a child
Societal pressure to have children is thought to be rooted largely in long-standing norms and traditional beliefs about family and individual purpose. Religion and culture may also impact this pressure. In some societies, starting a family is viewed as a milestone in adulthood and may be equated with success or stability. Media and pop culture often reinforce these societal expectations by showcasing family life as the ultimate source of happiness while leaving out narratives about child-free individuals or alternative paths to fulfillment.
Personal factors in the pressure to have children
Several personal factors may also cause or contribute to the pressure to have kids. Many people may grow up being taught that having children is a necessary part of life and that having children will lead to a sense of fulfillment. Pressure may also be caused by a fear of missing out or self-doubt. For example, a person may worry about regretting the decision to have or not have kids later in life, or they may fear being judged by peers or family members. As a person ages, the pressure to make a decision about having biological children may also increase.
Pressure from a person’s partner could contribute to stress and anxiety when deciding on having children, too. For instance, one partner may strongly desire children while the other may be hesitant, which can create internal conflict and anxiety as well as external conflict in the relationship.
The impact of pressure and anxiety on overall health
The pressure to have children may cause feelings of anxiety and stress, which can negatively impact a person’s health. Anxiety in general is thought to be a survival mechanism that prepares the body to endure challenging conditions. In the modern world, however, anxiety can occur outside of survival situations. Since it causes the fight-or-flight response to be engaged for long periods even when no threat to survival is present, anxiety may cause symptoms like sleeping trouble, gastrointestinal issues, and difficulty concentrating and could also increase the risk of serious long-term health problems.
Pressure to have or not have children may be linked to anxiety in a few key ways. One is that a person may be afraid of making the wrong choice for them. This can increase anxiety over a fear of missing out or potential regret later on. People may also worry about personal timelines and planning or feel pressured to stick with a plan set earlier, even if their situation or desires have changed. A person may feel anxiety over their financial or emotional readiness to have a baby too. Or, they may feel anxious about how their relationships or social life might be affected by choosing to have or not have children.
The impact of the pressure to have a child on a mother or birthing parent
The impact of the pressure to have children may be different depending on the individual’s gender and the role that they want or are feeling pressured to take on in the process of having a child. Societal differences in expectations may cause the variation in how pressure to have children impacts different individuals.
Impacts on a mother or other birthing parent
For individuals who could or would have to become pregnant in order to have a child, the pressure and impact may be more pronounced and multifaceted. Women and those of other genders with the reproductive capabilities required to carry a child often face heightened societal scrutiny around their reproductive choices.
Additionally, during pregnancy and childbirth, birthing parents experience significant physical changes and health risks as well as the emotional demands of carrying and delivering a child. These factors may heighten the stakes and the pressure around deciding whether to have children. They can also make defending one’s decision to not have children more frustrating.
Impacts on a non-birthing parent
Fathers who do not carry the child and other non-birthing individuals may face their own pressures as well. Many partners of birthing parents feel the need to fulfill traditional roles as financial providers and protectors, which can lead to stress over job stability and economic security when considering the decision to have children. They may also face challenges in redefining modern parenthood and balancing emotional involvement in parenting with other responsibilities.
Strategies for managing anxiety
In addition to setting boundaries on the topic with friends and family as needed, there are some proactive strategies that may help a person more effectively cope with anxiety related to the pressure to have kids. Techniques such as mindfulness practices, self-reflection, and seeking support from a friend, a support group, or a professional may help reduce feelings of stress and anxiety and improve overall mental health and well-being.
Mindfulness and self-reflection
Mindfulness and self-reflection can be two powerful ways to manage feelings of anxiety. These techniques can involve practices such as deep breathing, meditation, and journaling, which may help a person put feelings or thoughts into perspective. It can also be helpful to engage in gratitude practices, which may shift a person’s mindset from negative thoughts or worries to positive aspects of life. These practices may also have a calming physiological impact on the body, slowing heart rate and breathing and relaxing the nervous system.
Seeking support for the pressure to have kids
It can be helpful for people feeling anxious about the pressure to have children to understand that they are not alone. Seeking support from friends, online communities, or in-person support groups made up of individuals in a similar situation may help a person feel more confident in their conscious decision, whatever it may be. It may also be beneficial to connect with a therapist. They can help a person talk through the decision of having children or not if they’re unsure or learn to cope with the pressure and judgment they may face if they’ve made a choice.
Reframing the narrative
Whether a person or couple decides to have children or not, reframing the narrative around the decision may be beneficial for all. This may include challenging societal norms and normalizing a variety of life paths, including choosing not to have children. Instead, it may be important to focus on celebrating the ability to make choices that align with one’s own values, goals, and preferences.
A part of reframing the narrative may include redefining what a fulfilling life can look like. This could include reflecting on what a successful life may involve for you rather than thinking about what other people expect of you. It may also include exploring alternative ways to connect with others, build community, or find purpose.
Connecting with a mental health professional
For individuals experiencing anxiety over the pressure to have or not have a child, connecting with a mental health professional like a therapist may be beneficial. A therapist can listen nonjudgmentally to a person’s hopes and fears and may implement different therapeutic or mindfulness techniques to help their client improve mental health and reduce anxiety.
While therapy can be helpful for people in a variety of different situations, it may be challenging to find a therapist who fits your needs in an area close to where you live or work. It’s one reason why online therapy has increased in popularity in recent years. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist according to your needs and preferences as outlined in a questionnaire. You can then meet with them remotely from anywhere you have an internet connection, which means online therapy can be a more convenient and flexible way to receive care—in addition to often being more cost-effective than traditional in-person sessions. Plus, research suggests that online therapy can often be as effective as face-to-face therapy for treating anxiety, depression, and other concerns.
Takeaway
Frequently asked questions
Below are some of the most frequently asked questions about pressure to have kids.
Why do people feel pressured to have children?
People experience a sense of pressure to have children for many reasons. For example, for many centuries, most people were expected to enter a marriage and start a family, regardless of their own opinion on the matter. Many marriages were a financial pursuit, focused more on money than love. Marriages were initially only between a husband and a wife. Once people were married, they were often expected to have kids quickly, especially if the children would take on the family business or property.
As more choices have been given to young couples and those worldwide not to marry or conform to old ideals, people have realized they also don’t need to have children. For some, a family might not be the answer to lifelong happiness, and the idea of kids can be daunting for a couple that is only starting in life. However, because some people still expect a woman to want motherhood or for a daughter to bring grandchildren to her mom and dad, families and media forces may encourage women or young people to want to become parents, even if they don’t want to. The idea that a couple must be a man and a woman who get married, have children, and grow old together is no longer the primary truth in US society. That change may be difficult for those in older generations to accept due to how they were raised.
How do you deal with the pressure to have kids?
If you feel pressured to have kids, set boundaries with those in your life. Be honest about your desires or even your confusion about what you want. Remind people you won’t participate in discussions about when you’ll have kids or whether you want kids. If they persist, leave the conversation. Be strict with your boundaries, and let people hear you’re not open to debating or justifying your reasoning. No one has to have children, and the conversation doesn’t have to be open, regardless of whether you’re putting off family life while focusing on your career and college or have decided to be child-free forever.
How do you deal with family pressure to get pregnant?
If your family is pressuring you to get pregnant, you may try to set boundaries with them by reminding them you’re uncomfortable talking about this topic and asking them to please refrain from mentioning it. Although setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, doing so is often necessary to protect your well-being, especially with people who persistently pressure you despite knowing it makes you upset. Family members may not know if you’re struggling with fertility issues or other things regarding your pregnancy journey.
If you’ve decided never to get pregnant or are unable to, you might be unsure how to deal with them. Family therapy may be helpful if you struggle to set boundaries or want to talk about these topics in greater detail with a neutral mediator available who can help sway the course of the conversation if challenges arise. Therapist Ann Davidman talks more about the pressure to have children, especially from a Jewish-religious context, so individuals may also consider reading what she has to say about standing up to the family or religious pressures.
How can you cope with being childless?
If you don’t have a child and want one, the pain can be difficult to bear. Older women, people with infertility, transgender individuals who don’t have a uterus, and so many others experience barriers to having kids, which can be painful when seeing other people have the lives you want. You may wonder if having a child will ever be possible for you. Coping can take time, but talking to a therapist, joining a support group, and practicing self-care are a few ways to start making changes.
If you’re still attempting to have a child biologically, whether you or your partner, you might also talk to a fertility coach who can help you deal with stress and the unique challenges of the fertility journey. If you’re adopting, fostering, or trying another route, you might talk to an agency, an adoption counselor, or the social workers you work with about your concerns. They can also answer any questions you have about the process and guide you through trauma-informed parenting training, as adoption and foster care have been found to be inherently traumatic for children.
Why do we have the urge to have children?
Some people experience a biological urge to reproduce, which is proven by research. However, this urge may be more to have sex, not necessarily to have babies, according to scientists. Experts say that the urge to have a child is both driven by the body and the mind. Some people may not experience a biological urge to reproduce, even if others in their family have. Some people may swear they experience “baby fever,” a sense that they want to be pregnant or get someone else pregnant. This urge may be because reproducing is how the human race continues and how any animal race continues. By having children, more humans exist. Still, even if you experience these urges, if you don’t want to have children, you don’t have to.
What do you say when people pressure you to have kids?
Below are a few ways you can set boundaries when people try to pressure you to have children:
- “Having children is a personal decision we want to make on our own. Please don’t bring this up again. We’ll come to you if we decide to.”
- “I’m not ready to discuss this with you.”
- “I’ve told you I’m not interested in having children. That was the end of that conversation for me. I don’t want to distance myself from our connection, so can we talk about other topics?”
- “Don’t talk to me about children; I’ve asked you not to.”
- “I appreciate your interest in our personal lives, but we’ve decided to keep our plans for family life discreet for now. Thank you for respecting that.”
How do you accept you can't have kids?
If you have been told you’re infertile or are unable to have children in any way, you may be struggling with this news. Plans to have a family are often close to people’s hearts and can bring up many emotions. One way to work on acceptance is by attending therapy. A therapist can help you cope with any emotions that arise, address beliefs about yourself or others, and guide you toward a more positive future in which you are happy with the life you lead.
What happens to childless couples?
Nothing necessarily happens to childless couples. Many couples without children are happy without children and do not want them. Some couples cannot have children. Others may only be childless for a time, deciding to postpone their family planning until later. There is no one outcome for any couple regarding how their relationship or lives go, and having no children can often open up space for other commitments, such as travel, a career, or expensive purchases, which some people may value more.
How soon after marriage should we try for a baby?
There are no rules for when you have a baby. If you and your partner want a baby right after you get married, it’s okay to try. Many people also have children outside of wedlock, which is also okay. Regardless of your choice, set boundaries with others and remind them to respect what you do for yourself. You also don’t have to try for a baby at all if you don’t want to or can’t. Some couples find out they have fertility challenges or would prefer to adopt, foster, or try another form of starting a family. Look at all the options available to you.
Is it OK not to want to have kids?
Not wanting children is completely normal and healthy. Not everyone wants to have kids, and those who don’t can decide not to for any reason. Not wanting kids can be a reflection of your desire to focus on other areas of life or might be because you don’t want to go through the experience of birth or don’t have the resources to care for another human. Regardless of your reasoning, you don’t have to explain yourself, and you’re valid.
- Next Article